I’m 30 yo & recently made one of the worst decisions of my life. I’ve lived alone a large chunk of my life and when I was 29, feeling the best I’ve ever felt mentally & spiritually, I suggested to my mom that we (two 80+ y.o. grandparents, mom and myself) move in together, so I can help take care of them and hoping this would heal our family because we are beyond dysfunctional. I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to be living by anyone’s “rules” because I’m a grown ass woman and that this was simply to help them out and be a positive presence.
Almost immediately, things turned into a “their house their rules” situation and I’ve been treated like a teen with no decision making power since. In Dec 2024, I adopted a puppy because I was extremely depressed and was miserable in the living situation. Not even a month later, my family managed to guilt trip me into giving my puppy away and I was crushed. That sent me into a huge depressive tailspin and the dysfunction has been the worst it’s ever been.
The house is filled with gloom and despair, like they’re just waiting to pass. They never wanna go outside or do anything fun. My mom tells me constantly that when they’re gone, she’s moving out with her boyfriend.
I volunteer with a pet rescue/adoption agency and went to an event yesterday and cuddled with some adorable 2mo old puppies. I obviously fell in love and messaged my mom that I would be fostering two of them, since the rescue needs help and I’m currently between jobs. It turned into a huge fight and I told them if they want to kick me out, they’re more than welcome to (even though this whole house was my idea). I haven’t even got the puppies yet but now I’m just going to adopt instead of foster.
Am I the asshole for wanting to bring puppies into my home, FOR ME, and not considering how my family feels bout it?
Note: there are two houses on the property. I do not live in the same house as them.
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I’m 30 yo & recently made one of the worst decisions of my life. I’ve lived alone a large chunk of my life and when I was 29, feeling the best I’ve ever felt mentally & spiritually, I suggested to my mom that we (two 80+ y.o. grandparents, mom and myself) move in together, so I can help take care of them and hoping this would heal our family because we are beyond dysfunctional. I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to be living by anyone’s “rules” because I’m a grown ass woman and that this was simply to help them out and be a positive presence.
Almost immediately, things turned into a “their house their rules” situation and I’ve been treated like a teen with no decision making power since. In Dec 2024, I adopted a puppy because I was extremely depressed and was miserable in the living situation. Not even a month later, my family managed to guilt trip me into giving my puppy away and I was crushed. That sent me into a huge depressive tailspin and the dysfunction has been the worst it’s ever been.
The house is filled with gloom and despair, like they’re just waiting to pass. They never wanna go outside or do anything fun. My mom tells me constantly that when they’re gone, she’s moving out with her boyfriend.
I volunteer with a pet rescue/adoption agency and went to an event yesterday and cuddled with some adorable 2mo old puppies. I obviously fell in love and messaged my mom that I would be fostering two of them, since the rescue needs help and I’m currently between jobs. It turned into a huge fight and I told them if they want to kick me out, they’re more than welcome to (even though this whole house was my idea). I haven’t even got the puppies yet but now I’m just going to adopt instead of foster.
Am I the asshole for wanting to bring puppies into my home, FOR ME, and not considering how my family feels bout it?
Note: there are two houses on the property. I do not live in the same house as them.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I do things without consulting my family first. I’m being told that I don’t consider my families feelings and that I don’t care about their wellbeing when I make unilateral decisions like getting a dog.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your house your rules. You made that clear when they moved in. Not your fault if they get upset by that.
NTA, but the puppies aren’t the issue here.
The issue is that you’re living the reality of living with them. It won’t change. Your options are “move out” or “accept it”.
INFO: are you all renting a place together or did you move into the grandparents property? Im inclined to say ESH because you said it was your suggestion to all live together. For the last year you’ve been trying to make this work to “fix the dysfunction” but it sounds like everyone is miserable. The puppy is completely beside the point. If youre unhappy living like this then move out. You dont have to live with your grandparents to help take care of them. If mom is staying until they pass then just go over to help and give her relief from them every couple of days.
Why did you obey? You are a grown up. Do what is good for you and if there are two houses just ignore them please. NTA
NTA. You’re a grown adult. Puppies make you happy, not your family. Their guilt-tripping and attempts to control your life aren’t your problem. Enjoy the pups.
NTA. You’re 30, you live in your own space, and you’re allowed to make decisions for yourself. If your family doesn’t want to be around dogs, they don’t have to… they’re not even in the same house. It sounds like they’re controlling you because they can, not because of the puppies
INFO: who owns the property? You mention possibly being kicked out so that seems to me it isn’t your place. Am I right?
If you live with your parents, you will be the kid they always saw you as. It’s going to hold you back, and you probably should prioritize leaving instead of getting dogs. It will be harder to find another place if you have dogs. And since you’ve already had to give away a dog in your current position and nothing has changed, I would argue it’s unethical for you to bring in another dog until you change the thing that made you give away the last one.
NTA but don’t get a dog when you’re inbetween jobs and not living in a stable situation.
NTA. You do not live in the same house. You are an adult. You are giving these people way too much power over your choices, and should consider moving away. But for now, get the dogs!
Move out. But keep in mind puppies are a lot of work. Are you mentally & emotionally ready for that? If not, I would suggest 2 kittens instead.
Honestly nah, you’re not wildin for wanting some joy in your life. You’re 30, in your own spot on the property, and if puppies help your mental, that’s your call. They don’t get to run your whole life like you’re 15 again. If they don’t like it, that’s on them, not you.
ESH this is not a good living situation for you and while you should make your own decisions, getting puppies without having a job to care for them is not fair to them even if you’re just fostering them. You’re in a bad spot mentally and I’ve been where you are so you’re going to want to keep those puppies which is fine but you can’t afford them.
MOVE OUT
NTA for taking a puppy
Also from a dysfunctional family—you have to prioritize yourself and your mental health.
This is so much bigger than the puppies. If there is a way to leave, you should. Otherwise this is going to continue to go downhill.
NTA You tried, and it didn’t work. Find a new place to live away from them and adopt the puppies.
NTA you are an adult, however you should not be getting a pet.
You dont even have a job. How can you be financially responsible for their care.
Being adult is learning that you need to fix yourself, other beings, human or otherwise, are not responsible for making you feel happy or less alone.
I’m gonna say YTA for two reasons. Firstly, you already had a dog and gave it up after being pressured by your family. Is that something that will happen again? Foster dogs need stability, and it doesn’t sound like you can offer that (giving them up, possibility or being kicked out, etc.)
Second, are you sure your family won’t do something to these dogs? Would your mom try to sell them behind your back or bring them back to the shelter while you’re out? Even if not that extreme, how will your family treat them? Will there be yelling/hitting/other forms of abuse or neglect, especially if you’re out of the house?
Whilst I understand you want a pet and likely could care for one properly if you were living alone, it does not sound like your current situation is conducive to a safe and healthy environment for a pet. I think you need to move out first and then start this journey
Your primary focus needs to be getting away from these awful people, not bringing more responsibility into the house for them to get on you for.
YTA you seem self absorbed and not really taking care of your parents just giving them headaches
“My family is beyond dysfunctional, so we decided to live together to heal.”
That’s not how that works.
Focus on getting your own place.
Info: what does between jobs mean? Do you have a job lined up that hasn’t started yet? How are your savings? Are you paying rent?
Getting puppies if you aren’t in a financial situation to pay for any medical expenses that might come up is not good.
Regardless, the living situation isn’t working. You don’t get extra points for being a martyr. Move out and figure out how to heal with the help of a therapist
YTA to yourself for staying and trying to bring puppies into an already stressful situation. You moved into this situation to help your grandparents and hopefully fixing a dysfunctional family. You cannot fix anyone except yourself. It was naive to think this would work you tried but do not beat yourself up for it. You have no obligation to stay there. Everyone is an adult who can and will make their own decisions.
Move out and move on. Good luck to you.
NTA. You shouldn’t have given up your first dog ESPECIALLY as you don’t live directly with them. A puppy is a ton of work. But 2 puppies? Can be a lot and really expensive (you mentioned you are between jobs). Is it possible to just take 1? I just got a new puppy 3 months ago and joined puppy 101 on Reddit where I learned about challenges with having 2 puppies at the same time. Check it out, it’s quite informative. Regardless, NTA. But reconsider moving away. You were happy and healthy when you had space and only started declining when you moved back.
ESH. First of all, you have no business fostering animals without a job. Even though they’re fosters, they still cost money to house them. The rescue doesn’t provide everything you need. I know your heart is in the right place, but just no. Second, you knew it was going to be a dysfunctional environment, but you chose to do so anyway. Again, heart is in the right place. Seriously, though…? As for everyone else being an AH, that’s pretty obvious, and it doesn’t need to be explained why.
YTA. Correct me if I am wrong, but what I read here is “I have no job and no money, so I moved in with my mom and grandparents. One time they made me give away a puppy. I then decided, without consulting them, that I would get two puppies.”
YTA…first to yourself for moving into this situation. But you’re also the AH for getting the puppy. You don’t bring a new pet into a shared living arrangement unless everyone is on board.