TW: talks of past Abuse.
I (19 M) I recently got to know that my mother is in contact with her brothers who have been verbally and physically abusive to me since I was a child. It stoped because I adopted a dog in my teenage years, who used to protect me. And after my dog passed away, me and my mother left to live alone.
Yes, she always knew about my uncles being abusive, but she used to tell me to keep quiet and not destroy the family by starting fights. It is common in my country for parents to physically beat their kids to discipline.
But I am still mentally dealing with the type of pain my uncles gave me.
My mother has secretly been in contact with me and them, I got to know when she forced me to arrange a family event with them. I couldn’t physically stand there, walked off and couldn’t control my tears. Then they literally came to our apartment, I didn’t even open the door because I was still crying atm.
It got worst when she probably faked to get sick to guilt trip me. When I say fake, I took care of her through out her “sick days” because that’s what a good son is supposed to do. And all her medical reports were normal.
And she was crying in the hospital in front of my other family members, still telling me to forgive her and her brothers.
I don’t know if I am heartless for not forgiving them, but I don’t really do anything accepting distance myself from family.
Since that day, she has been talking and going to family dinners with them, while not even having a normal conversation with me.
I really want live like this, and I’ll be soon moving to a place 10hr away from here. But I can’t help but feel like I am not being good to mother. I still always care for her physical and mental health a lot, but she never does the same unless it’s an emergency.
It’s not common in my culture to leave family, so that’s probably my biggest guilt. I need others unbiased opinions on this.
(Sorry if my wording is confusing, English is not my first language and I don’t live in a English speaking country)
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: TW: talks of past Abuse.
I (19 M) I recently got to know that my mother is in contact with her brothers who have been verbally and physically abusive to me since I was a child. It stoped because I adopted a dog in my teenage years, who used to protect me. And after my dog passed away, me and my mother left to live alone.
Yes, she always knew about my uncles being abusive, but she used to tell me to keep quiet and not destroy the family by starting fights. It is common in my country for parents to physically beat their kids to discipline.
But I am still mentally dealing with the type of pain my uncles gave me.
My mother has secretly been in contact with me and them, I got to know when she forced me to arrange a family event with them. I couldn’t physically stand there, walked off and couldn’t control my tears. Then they literally came to our apartment, I didn’t even open the door because I was still crying atm.
It got worst when she probably faked to get sick to guilt trip me. When I say fake, I took care of her through out her “sick days” because that’s what a good son is supposed to do. And all her medical reports were normal.
And she was crying in the hospital in front of my other family members, still telling me to forgive her and her brothers.
I don’t know if I am heartless for not forgiving them, but I don’t really do anything accepting distance myself from family.
Since that day, she has been talking and going to family dinners with them, while not even having a normal conversation with me.
I really want live like this, and I’ll be soon moving to a place 10hr away from here. But I can’t help but feel like I am not being good to mother. I still always care for her physical and mental health a lot, but she never does the same unless it’s an emergency.
It’s not common in my culture to leave family, so that’s probably my biggest guilt. I need others unbiased opinions on this.
(Sorry if my wording is confusing, English is not my first language and I don’t live in a English speaking country)
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distance is 100% the right move. you don’t owe her (or them) forgiveness just because “family.” focus on your healing, not her drama. culture isn’t an excuse for abuse. nta at all.
Your mother is emotionally abusive. She knew her brothers abused you but she forced you to spend time with them and used emotional blackmail to pressure you to forgive them and her. She is not a good mother. She will not change. But you do get to change how you live your life, and that means living a life where you aren’t controlled by her. NTA
Do I recognise a desi brother?
Hon if she can’t take care of you then you have to take care of yourself. Screw the guilt. You deserve to be happy
You don’t have to forgive people.
Especially when the people don’t deserve it and have done NOTHING to ask for real forgiveness.
NTA
Nta she’s lucky that you even speak to her. If it were me I’d out her and her brothers to the entire family
Your beloved mother allowed you to be abused, brush the abuse under the rug, and still keeps the Line open for abuse by staying in contact with them. She has shown her cards and what her priorities are