The last few months my husband (39 M) and I (36 F) took in a friend who needed a place to stay. That turned into us having him and his 2 year old. That was fine and dandy but I’m almost at the end of my pregnancy with a planning c-section here in November. The doctors are scolding me for even lifting the 2 year old and told me that I 100% cannot be lifting on anything other than the newborn after the surgery. Plus I have been trying to be patient and understanding as our friend gets his life together. But this has turned into me babysitting 6 out of the 7 days a week due to his work. So I have had next to no down time. I’m in constant pain (that of course is being written off by the doctor per normal. I have a high pain tolerance, so I’d hate to know the scale of pain I’m in for a normal person 🙃) . I wouldn’t mind watching the 2 year old, but any advice I give seems to be thrown out the window. He feeds this kid sugary breakfast stuff all the time and I’m left with a fussy baby who wants more sugar and refuses to nap (talking chocolate milk, the little chocolate chip muffins, cookies, sugary cereals..). So I get to be the bad guy during the day and deal with scream fests because I refuse to give this kid more sweets.
Regardless, I have told our housemate and my husband I refuse to look after a newborn and a 2 year old (if it was my child, by all means. But I already did that song and dance with my first two. I didn’t sign up for this 2 for one deal this time). I’m not trying to be mean or have th guy lose out on work time.. but this is the last baby I plan to have and after everything that has happened this year and losing my mother back in June. I just want a break and to enjoy our new little one while they are little… I’ve been so tired and stressed that I feel like I snap at every little thing. I can’t tell if its the pregnancy or just the fact that I feel trapped with having to take care of someone else’s kid while being hardly able to move. My husband works graveyard shift so he can’t help with the 2 year old at all and I feel its unfair to ask my two kids to help all the time.
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The last few months my husband and I took in a friend who needed a place to stay. That turned into us having him and his 2 year old. That was fine and dandy but I’m almost at the end of my pregnancy with a planning c-section here in November. The doctors are scolding me for even lifting the 2 year old and told me that I 100% cannot be lifting on anything other than the newborn after the surgery. Plus I have been trying to be patient and understanding as our friend gets his life together. But this has turned into me babysitting 6 out of the 7 days a week due to his work. So I have had next to no down time. I’m in constant pain (that of course is being written off by the doctor per normal. I have a high pain tolerance so I’d hate to know the scale of pain I’m in for a normal person 🙃) . I wouldn’t mind watching the 2 year old but any advice I give seems to be thrown out the window. He feeds this kid sugary breakfast stuff all the time and I’m left with a fussy baby who wants more sugar and refuses to nap (talking chocolate milk, the little chocolate chip muffins, cookies, sugary cereals..). So I get to be the bad guy during the day and deal with scream fests because I refuse to give this kid more sweets.
Regardless I have told our housemate and my husband I refuse to look after a newborn and a 2 year old (if it was my child, by all means. But I already did that song and dance with my first two. I didn’t sign up for this 2 for one deal this time). I’m not trying to be mean or have th guy lose out on work time.. but this is the last baby I plan to have and after everything that has happened this year and losing my mother back in June. I just want a break and to enjoy our new little one while they are little… I’ve been so tired and stressed that I feel like I snap at every little thing. I can’t tell if its the pregnancy or just the fact that I feel trapped with having to take care of someone else’s kid while being hardly able to move. My husband works graveyard shift so he can’t help with the 2 year old at all and I feel its unfair to ask my two kids to help all the time.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> No action yet, but I will be refusing to watch my housemates 2 year old if he does not find a baby sitter before I have my newborn. I’m not in my early 20s and have the energy or recovery power to handle watching two young children like that.
I feel bad putting my foot down as my husband and I invited this friend to stay with us. At the time the 2 year old was not in the equation and was brought in a month into the stay. I want to help our friend but I also will need rest after the surgery.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. However, why were boundaries not set from the beginning? Why, and how, did this go from giving this guy a place to stay to you providing childcare six days a week? Someone was watching this kid before they moved in.
FFS put your foot down. You will never get this time back – it’s their problem and they need to solve it yesterday.
YTA…. To yourself For letting this continue more than beyond a few short weeks. You know that you’re the babysitter don’t you,
You let it happen and now he is going to say you are letting him down and he has to work and blah blah blah.
They need to go..
NTA for giving him a deadline but he won’t adhere to it.
Was there a plan in place for the 2 year old and who watches them during the day before the friend moved in?
Look after yourself!!! How can your husband and housemate expect a pregnant woman / expectant mother to look after someone else’s child absolutely blows my mind
NTA – This is ridiculous and I feel frustrated for you because I don’t feel anything is going to change.
NTA obviously.
There’s a chance he could qualify for public assistance with child care costs depending where you live and how much he makes. Yes, it’s his responsibility to figure this out- but if you printed off the application or had it ready on a screen for him to fill out online today, it might send the message home that he needs to get on board and make efforts to figure it out.
NTA for setting a firm deadline. Don’t let him pretend there was no warning.
Of course NTA. You were kind to help them out, but they should be arranging childcare. It’s not fair.
Is this guy even paying rent or paying you? He needs to find a daycare ASAP or a new home. You and your husband, as a team, need to put your foot down. Even if your husband can’t babysit he needs to back you up. Whatever his excuse is his kid is not your problem.
If you don’t put your foot down then YTA to yourself.
NTA
You have already set the expectations for yourself as a babysitter. Stop immediately- for your health reasons.
If he can’t find childcare, that’s his problem. Stop making his problems yours.
It’s past time to be clear to DH and his friend that said friend and child must arrange alternate living arrangements by Halloween (Oct 31.) You need an opportunity to have some peace and relaxation before undergoing surgery. Dear friend needs a bit of impetus to get his life and own child back on track.
Congratulations on your newest family member!
NTA Pregnancy is difficult and it is not your responsibility.
NTA at all and this is not because you don’t want to, it’s because doctor’s advice: you just shouldn’t do it.
So the housemate has to find child care ASAP
ESH
The phrase “turned into” is doing a lot of obscuring in this post. Things don’t just happen; you *allowed* them to get to this point.
Figure out what you need to do to legally get this man out of your home, then do it immediately.
You aren’t “trapped” except by your own bad decisions.
NTA and honestly it is about time for the friend to move on. He is either unwilling to deal with the issue, or just expects free childcare. Give them a deadline to find a new place to live.
Does your husband have no spine?
You’re being used
Boot him out
If he works he makes $$
To rent an apartment
Quit being a doormat
your friend is the AH, he needs to move out
Tell husband and friend that either friend moves out or you will. Either way he will be left without a babysitter.
NTA – for a week or two while he figures out his life with this kiddo is one thing – like I might help while he looks for daycares, etc, but indefinitely? Hell, no. You are already providing room and board. You are already sharing your personal living space. That is a huge generous thing. Has he been saving the money he would have spent on child care on his move-out budget? That would be the only thing that would give me an ounce of sympathy for him, and even then it is an over reach to just assume a woman is going to be his child care provider, and not bring her into the discussion.
Where is this child’s mother, and why is she not watching her own child while the child’s father works? He does need to come up with child care, he has already put a ton on you just occupying your space. The first person he should be asking for help is the child’s mother, and second extended family from both his side, and mom’s side, then paying for daycare. You are already contrituting to supporting this difficult time in his life.
These posts always confuse me though. You have said you are in significant pain, and heavily pregnant. You have said that the father of this child passes this kiddo off to you hyped up on sugar. You have said these babysitting duties are 6-7 days a week, which is very excessive. Why would you need strangers to validate that this is unreasonable? Why do we have all these posts asking “AITA for deciding to no longer martyr myself and make a person take responability for their own lives?” And why do so many of these posts involve looking after children the OP did not sire or give birth to? I feel like this question has been asked and answered over and over again. edited for clarity
What the heck is you husband doing about this? It’s his friend.
Relax – take your own kid and go to your parents if you have to. This is 100% on your husband to take care of, and zero percent your responsibility.
NTA. This is more than reasonable. He’s had a few months to get his bearings. The friend can’t live with you forever. He needs to figure out a new living situation and childcare before your baby is born.Â
Nta. Frankly you should be giving him his notice to vacate, not a deadline to find a babysitter.
Where is this kids mother? She needs to get her baby and keep him a few times out the week.
Bye bye bye
NTA
NTA
You have parent responsibility without parent authority (like making rules about food). And with a 2y/o too, that’s not an easy age! And this while you are weeks, maybe even days, away from having your own baby. Does this dude have no plan for alternate childcare? You having a baby shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone, where tf is this dudes head at? Is he just expecting being able to pressure you into continuing parenting his child? And while I’m at it, where is your husbands head at! Is this your husbands first baby and is he being naive, or is he being an AH? Why isn’t he standing up for you?
Kick him out . That problem solves everything. It’s been months , he’s a grown man he can figure it out
NTA. You wrote a lot of justification but the reality is, you can just not want to care for someone else’s child. It’s ok. You could be 100% capable and able and if you’re not willing, that’s ok, you didn’t sign up to care for his child.
I think you give him a deadline to find a new place
You know you’re NTA.
It’s one thing to take in a friend, it’s another to babysit 6 days a week.
The best way to have this conversation is to give him a heads up. “Hey, I visited my doctor this week who put me on bedrest and told me no lifting whatsoever except the baby. So starting [A day or two in the future] I won’t be unable to babysit [child].
If it becomes an issue, leave the house the same time or slightly before the roommate leaves for work in the morning. That way he can’t use you.
If he asks again, be a broken record. “No I’m sorry I cant contribute to your childcare needs. If this is an issue we might have to revisit the living arrangements.
If your husband’s friend lives rent-free in your house, and works 6 out of 7 days a week, why doesn’t he have money for a babysitter? Where’s his money going?
I would count on one hand the number of days I would allow this in my own home, for a very good friend.
NTA, you’re basically a saint for taking 2 people into your home while you’re pregnant, and they decided to exploit you. Deal with this now while you still can; either he takes his kid with him to work, or they both won’t have a home anymore. Reason? It’s mentally and physically draining you so much to the point you’re going to break down if nothing changes. It’s endangering the future of your baby. He can choose to either move out or take his kid with him wherever he goes.
NTA, agree with your husband if here’s space for this guy to stay and if do, tell him he’s figuring out daycare and he’s helping around the house. You are helping him with free rent, he needs to sort out daycare and being helpful to you both as a thank you because you need rest. This man must have family and friends who can help or even take him in.
OMG, you are WAAAAAY under reacting.
This “friend” is a user. Kick him out of the house. Stop babysitting immediately. Tell him that if he leaves the child in the house, you are calling CPS. That kid is his responsibility, and he is an enormous AH yo both you and his kid.
He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you, except as you serve his needs. He should be very concerned about your health. He isn’t. He doesn’t care.
And your husband should be coming down on him like a ton of bricks. Does your husband care about you? Doesn’t sound like it.
Both men see you as a commodity, not a person.
NTA.
NTA. It’s not your child. Why are you watching them? It’s not your responsibility. At all. The parent needs to parent. Or leave.
YNTA tell him to arrange childcare with a family member away from your house while he’s at work. Tell him he has to take the child with him and drop him off on the way to work and can collect him on the way home. If he leaves the child once you have set this boundary you could warn him you will call cps and follow through. Expecting you to do what you already have is ridiculous as it is.Â