I 27f has been married to my husband 30m for 4 years. We met when I was 20 and he was 23. At the time we met I had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship. We met through some mutual friends and we started off as friends but as time went on we began to date. We got married when I was 23 and he was 26. During the time we dated me and my husband were very open with each other about our past and our exes. My husband happened to be a virgin before we met and i had slept with my ex boyfriend before I met him. Keep in mind he was the second relationship I had in my whole life and my ex was my first everything. At first when I told my husband about my ex he was a bit taken aback that we wouldn’t be each others first, but I reassured him and told him the past was the last and he is the one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. So fast forwarding to our life now, our intimate life has been slacking lately. Every time I would try to initiate anything, he would turn me down and say he was tired. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but it became a constant excuse no matter the time and 3 months passed with no intimacy. So I sat my husband down and asked him what was wrong and why he didn’t want to get intimate and he said every time he looks at me he can’t help but think that someone else had had me in such an intimate way. Again I reassured him and told him the past was the past and I’m sorry he felt that way but there’s nothing I can do and it’s him I want. So from that day on he would make snide and little comments whenever we would have conversation. For example if we ever talked about anything sexual he would say imagine not being a virgin and getting married or I’m sure no one else would have put up with the fact that you weren’t a virgin, so only I can love you and not look at you like a dirty slut. I was taken aback when he said that and I just went into our room and locked the door. After that whole thing I sat my husband down and told him that if he wasn’t happy in our marriage he could leave. But he blew up on me saying that it was my fault it came to this and we should’ve grown together physically and intimately but because I went and gave my body to someone else he just can’t look past that. I took my ruff and went to stay with my sister. Now idk what to do.
Edit: Hey guys! I see all your comments and I appreciate every single one of you. I cannot reply to everybody but just know I will take your advice and make plans to leave him. And again he said that he’s has these “thoughts” all throughout our marriage but it just really started to become a problem recently.
Comments
Stop apologizing for your past and stop “assuring” him. He needs to grow TF up and if he can’t do that, then tell him you don’t want to be with a pouting adult toddler. You can’t change the past, and nothing you have done makes you a “dirty sl-ut,” and I’m sorry, but that one thing would be what made me DONE with him.
Tell himself to go out and try to find himself a virgin at age 30, see how that works out for him.
So his plan is, at 30, to divorce you and marry a young virgin? Is his thought process that these “high value” women are going to flock to him because he’s wealthy, handsome, and hits the gym 2 hours every day? Because I think if this marriage ended he would be shocked at his prospects. Personally, I couldn’t stay with someone who disrespected me like that, but the ball is in his court. He told you he CAN’T look past that. If that is the truth, do yourself a favor and find someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who hates you for not being their imagined version of you.
NTA, but your husband certainly is. He is insecure and has a huge chip on his shoulder. Most people have a past. Honestly, I would consider leaving if I were you. However, maybe suggest couples therapy. Most men don’t care if you have a past. It just means they don’t have to teach you anything!
Something is missing.
If he knew you weren’t “pure” (sarcasm), before you were married, why did he still marry you.
And why all of a sudden?
Irregardless, Y T A to yourself for stating with someone who calls you a dirty sl#%.
Have some self respect and leave his ass ffs.
Your husband is insanely insecure about this and needs therapy. I would not tolerate my husband insulting me like that. If he wanted to marry a virgin, he should have done so.
Do not apologize. He’s the one with the problem here. He can either deal with it or find… well I guess he can’t find someone to grow “together physically and intimately” with now that he’s not a virgin, so I guess he can just be miserable and alone. NTA
If this was that important to him, he should have worked it out before you got married. Did you have sex before you married him? Then tell him he’s a dirty little sl*t for having premarital sex.
You got to tell him either he agrees to drop it, or you’re leaving. He sounds like a little boy, not a man.
Girl you did nothing wrong! The problem is totally him. Stop apologizing for what you did before him, he needs to grow up. The fact that he is trying to guilt trip you about this is insane, a total red flag, do you really what to be with someone that makes you feel that way?
Your husband is immature & you’re apologizing ti him for.. what? He’s being an asshole to you over something that only affects him. He’s taking your past & using it against you, why get married in the first place then? You’re NTA but if he can’t sit down & have a proper conversation without acting like a child & feeling the need to push his insecurities onto you, then this will only get worse & worse. Would he agree to therapy? Or will he say he doesn’t need it? Because this isn’t normal, I think you know this. He doesn’t sound like a caring, understanding partner, just sounds like he wants to continue punishing you for your past… if a friend confided this to you about their partner what would your response be?
“ I sat my husband down and told him that if he wasn’t happy in our marriage he could leave. “
Sit down in front of the mirror and have that same talk with yourself.
You know you are NTA, but every minute you stay married to this “man” is costing you more of your soul.
… after years into the relationship and marriage?
I think he’s just manipulating you. The next thing would be he telling you he cheated, but it was your fault for not being pure. You have emasculated him yadda yadda.
Don’t fall for that.
NTA. Imagine waiting until 4 years into a marriage to voice a complaint about your partner not being a virgin going into marriage.
I dont know a MAN who would expect his 23 year old girlfriend to still be a virgin. I mean, yeah, they exist, but very few and far between and most MEN, I’ve been with, and are friends with, don’t have a preference as long as you dont have any std’s. Also I dont know a woman who would stay after being called a d*ty slt
So what he divorces you and then he is no longer a virgin for his next relationship. He would be a hypocrite. I feel like he is using this as an excuse for something else. If this was such an issue, why has it just now come up? Why marry you?
NTA send that insecure boy back to his Mama and his Red Pill podcasts. He sounds like one of those incels.
It would be very strange for him to suddenly have a problem seven years later. Maybe probe a little deeper.
He wants out of the marriage and is using this as an excuse to blame you and feel justified in ending it, instead of being the asshole who insisted the breakup.
With this thought train,no self respecting virgin would want him now!He is the dirty sl#@ .
NTA. But if my husband has ever, even indirectly, referred to me in a derogatory manner as you describe he would be a EX.
NTA. I would tell him that there’s no changing the past. If he really can’t look past it as he said, then there’s nothing to do but file the divorce papers, and he should make his dating profile “virgins only!” and see how that goes.
He can f–k off with his sl*t shaming comments. It’s not “your fault” that you had a boyfriend before him and you actually chose to have sex with him. That’s called being a person with agency. What are you supposed to say, sorry baby, nobody wanted to f–k you until you started dating him?
He’s a total AH. Go talk to a lawyer ASAP. He’s probably already trolling around looking for some virgins, and part of why he’s attacking you is that he’s got someone in his sights. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did a forensic deep dive on his devices that he’s chatting with 18 year old.
NTA
If you leave him, he will get his karma quick as he won’t be his next partner’s first.
He’s either projecting or an asshole. Is he having an affair? If he isn’t, he needs a medical checkup to make sure nothing’s physically wrong.
He knew about your past BEFORE y’all got married. So if he “can’t get past that” then he should’ve never married you in the first place. NTA because you were honest with him from the beginning and that’s on him. He rushed the marriage because he didn’t want to be a virgin anymore. Now that he’s not he is ready to dump you like a piece of trash. He is the AH in this! But I’d run far away if I was you and find you someone that genuinely accepts every single part of you and doesn’t try to shame you for something you did in the past before y’all were even together.
This is not something that magically crops up 4 years into a marriage. There’s something else going on, and he’s using the lack of a V card as his cover. He either needs to come clean, or you need to do some investigating. NTA
It’s time for you to go to marriage counseling. No husband who loves his wife calls her names like that. There’s something going on and it’s not with you. It’s with him. I learned that a long time ago.
He should have considered that before getting married. He can’t cry foul when he knew what he was getting into. He needs counseling and then if that doesn’t help you have a decision to make.
NTA. You divorce him because he’s – quite seriously – the biggest loser I have ever had the displeasure of knowing existed. If I could shove him in a locker rn, I would. What an absolute dork.
Girl leave him.
I think hubby has his ball in another woman’s court! And gaslighting you into thinking that you’re the problem because if he truly feels that way then why did he marry you in the first place? I smell BS !
With so much open sex out there, he might have search long and hard to find one over the age of 16 or so.
Was this guy teleported from the 18th century? Seriously finding a partner with no experience is tough, not impossible, but tough. With birth control being easily available and we are a little more open about sex he needs to re-evaluate what century he is living in
Quit trying he hasn’t grown up sorry you married a manchild
Please grow a back bone and leave him. He is almost definitely cheating and using this as a cover. I’m not sure where you’re from but no one I know would consider someone with a body count of two a sl-t. Why would you want to be with someone who calls you that? Where is your respect for yourself?
I hate, hate, HATE men that say something about a woman’s past, in hetero relationships at least. I am fan of a reddit-reading podcast and once the presenter said something like “the only men that want their partners to be virgins is men that don’t want their woman to know what bad/good sex is”.
Sorry to say but you need to take his word now, him saying “you went and gave your body to someone else he just can’t look past that”, then he can’t, his prerogative but it’s not up to you to make up for that. I’ve seen so many times this shit of “low value woman” because she decided to do with her own body what she wanted, and then this petty men go out and say she has to work, and clean, and do everything to “compensate” for that. BS in my opinion.
NTA, and if I were you, I’d be putting my ducks in a row.
Have you had sex ever? Because why is it a problem NOW and not when you got married?
I feel like your hubby needs some talk therapy. Something or someone is putting ideas in his head. How he speaks to you, the name calling, is absolutely fucking rude and uncalled for. Plus, he knew. You told him years ago, so since you’ve been married all of a sudden it’s a big enough issue that he is saying horrible things to the person he vowed to be partners for life with? Inexcusable.
You are NTA. You are right. If he isn’t happy, he should leave. If he can’t get over it, he needs to leave. You deserve someone who loves you without judgement and shows you respect.
You know what to do.
Nta
NTA and fille for divorce.
The marriage is already dead. He doesn’t want to be with you. He’s probably trying to vilify you so when it comes out there is another woman he won’t be the bad guy.
This didn’t come out of nowhere. If he knew the whole truth and married you anyway, something has seriously changed for him to be acting like this. It’s probably another woman.
This seems to be a rehashed story from about a year or so, give or take.
If real, and not a repeat, then dump your weakwilled, weaksauce, limp dick husband
He should have never married you if he required a virgin. Now he is just punishing you. He is incapable of moving on so you have to. I’m glad you left.
If this is such a big issue, I’d like to know why he married you in the first place. I hate to say it, but u likely will need to get a divorce. Aside from the fact that he’s NOW choosing to be mad at your past, he’s also being disrespectful and starting to become emotionally abusive, and that will only get worse as time goes on. Save yourself the drama and time and give him a hard boundary that he cannot cross – being mad about your past, calling you disrespectful names, putting you down, all of the above. Let him know if he crosses the boundar(ies) even one more time you’re done with him. He’s honestly not good enough for you and probably is realizing it, and his insecurities are making him try to bring you down to his level. Get out…he’s a walking red flag.
NTA-you did the only thing you could. I would want to know the root of the issue though, Why is it now that he can’t get past it? Why could get get past it and marry you but now 4 years later it’s a problem?
This really comes down to a self Esteem issue on his part. Either that or someone is in his ear and is talking down about you and convincing him that a problem exists that didn’t before. Why else would he drag you down and try and make you feel bad about yourself? He’s gaslighting you and acting like you are a “sl*t” for having one prior relationship, 7 years ago.
Hes also gaslighting you by acting like his new and sudden issues and completely mistreatment of you is your fault. It’s the whole “it’s your fault that I’m behaving badly and don’t have any impulse control”. Well no it’s not your fault. He’s a grown ass man and it’s his fault that he suddenly has an issue, years after getting married. It’s his fault he speaks in such a disrespectful and unacceptable way to you. It’s his fault that he is having intimacy issues. It’s his fault he has self esteem issues. None of those are your fault and if it were me I would insist on professional counseling and marriage counseling (not just with a pastor but with a legitimate certified counselor). At the end of the day he is acting like a spoiled child and you have every right not to tolerate his behavior. At this point he’s going to ruin your marriage and it will be entirely on him, his sexist belief system and his lack of emotional regulation.
Was this Charlie Kirk?
A virgin woman is the best gift any man could have. It is so rare to find a virtuous woman. I agree with him. I also marry virgin like most men and she has a past like most woman. She said she have sex with her boyfriend but probably is a lie and her bodycount is higher. This cause serious problems in marriage in the long range. Non virgin women are of volatile behaviour, always fighting, everything is a negotiation, she doesnt respect her husband, have liberal points of view, etc. A total disaster. After 24 years of marriage I am still suffering from a wife that only see the bad in me and never is happy with the good I have and what I gave her. One day she said that the love of her life was the bad guy that take her virginity and not me, the who sacrifice everything for her. Ungrateful. Another day she dance with a bad guy in front of of me in bikini. Instead of rejecting the man. I feel so disrespected. The problem is not men is the woman who have sex before marriage. This cause serious traumas that affect the relationship. I am resignated to die married. Life was unfair and negated me the happiness with a virgin woman. Also, a non virgin woman would never love you the same way they love the bad guy. He has a special
Place in her heart because she gave totally to him
In body and soul. You are the second. The one who is obligated to accept her past because if not you are an “inmature” and “insecure” guy.
Updateme!
Maybe get him into therapy before you divorce him?
Send him to sex therapist
Somehow I have the feeling that it was something in particular, which is why he suddenly has such a kink away… He is probably just smaller than the ex-boyfriend’s xD lol
He has shown you and told you who he is – BELIEVE HIM!
He’s cheating on you. He’s met someone else. NTA! He’s using that as an excuse because all his sexual energy of on the new person. If you can track his phone or access it you’ll see he’s cheating on you. What he’s saying is a total BS lie as cover.
Let him know that every saint was a sinner and every sinner has a past – including him ! Tell him God knows!
NTA You deserve better than someone who thinks of you this way.
He thinks of you as property. Do with that what you will.
But he did look past that. He looked past it and kept dating you and then looked past it more and married you. Why the hell is he upset about it now?
Whatever the reason is, just leave that man. The minute my husband talks about me in such a disgusting way I would slam the divorce papers in front of him so fast.
Well…I fucking hate him 🤬🤬🤬
UpdateMe
He sounds like an immature child. Life is full of challenges and difficulties, but I don’t think I would enjoy encountering them with someone life him.
NTA.
Well now he is a dirty little guy. He had been with a women. So now if you both get divorced he will be unclean.
Hate to tell him but most women he will meet now will have been with 5 to 10 guys before him. So he is dirty and and they will be too. OH MY.
What a dumb ass.
Why’d he marry you in the first place if you not being a virgin bothered him?
Happy to see you realize what you deserve.
NTA – This is… just stupid.
He married you knowing what he did and NOW it bothers him more than it did back then?
Sounds like you two have grown, but not together. And maybe it’s time to go off and do your own thing.
lol dumb fool. His immaturity (even if he quit now) cost him to miss out on all kinds of sex and BJs. Before he shamed you and showed he’s a little boy you’d probably have done anything with him.
Glad he showed his true colors he doesn’t deserve someone’s body plus he’d just cause you mental trauma
“you weren’t a virgin, so only I can love you and not look at you like a dirty sl*t.”
This is when he definitively crossed the line that there is no turning back from. Divorce him and move on. He’s exhibiting classic abuser behavior, it will only get worse, this is how he always thought of you, it just took time to fester and for him to get comfortable enough to voice his thoughts.
“he would say imagine not being a virgin and getting married or I’m sure no one else would have put up with the fact that you weren’t a virgin“
You do realize that a sizeable majority of people who get married now a days aren’t virgins. Most people “put up with” the fact that their partner isn’t a virgin, it doesn’t make us think any less of the person we love.
NTA. Go to therapy and you both try to fix things up first. It’s probably worth giving it a try. Of course the problem is his insecurity, but you need to help him get over it.