AITA? 83 yr old mother is completely broke and we send her $900/ mo to help her live in independent living. She used to live in a house we built besides ours for her. Here’s the backstory- in 2005 we took over her existing home and build her a house besides it. We paid for everything and pulled her out of credit card debt 3 times to the tune of $30K. We paid all utilities, got groceries for her, took her to medical appointments, etc. She was cared for and continued to just take and take. She could have been on medicaid the whole time and offer to help financially. So after 20 years we just sold the house, moved abroad (offered to have her come with us multiple times and prepared for that), and she decided to move into independent living. We offered $900/ mo for two years to support her until Medicaid took over.
She does not call me, text me, or inquire at all about my new life in this new country. I tried to set a weekly call and asked her today if she’d like me call and she said “for what?” I think I’m done. But really, AITA? Was I supposed to keep doing it forever?
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AITA? 83 yr old mother is completely broke and we send her $900/ mo to help her live in independent living. She used to live in a house we built besides ours for her. Here’s the backstory- in 2005 we took over her existing home and build her a house besides it. We paid for everything and pulled her out of credit card debt 3 times to the tune of $30K. We paid all utilities, got groceries for her, took her to medical appointments, etc. She was cared for and continued to just take and take. She could have been on medicaid the whole time and offer to help financially. So after 20 years we just sold the house, moved abroad (offered to have her come with us multiple times and prepared for that), and she decided to move into independent living. We offered $900/ mo for two years to support her until Medicaid took over.
She does not call me, text me, or inquire at all about my new life in this new country. I tried to set a weekly call and asked her today if she’d like me call and she said “for what?” I think I’m done. But really, AITA? Was I supposed to keep doing it forever?
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> Aita because I am being taken advantage of? Aita for moving abroad?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA it sounds like she cut you off already so you might as well cut her off.
You can’t buy concern, even from your mother. NAH.
NTA. You’ve done more than most people ever would. You gave her a home, paid her debts, covered her bills, and still send her money. At some point it’s okay to stop when the relationship is one-sided.
NTA. You’ve done way more than your share for your ungrateful mom. Nobody reasonable could fault you for finally washing your hands of any further responsibility for her.
… and to answer your specific question, no, you’re not supposed to do it forever.
>She used to live in a house we built besides ours for her. Here’s the backstory- in 2005 we took over her existing home and build her a house besides it
I feel like this section is the most important in this whole mess.
What was the backstory here?
You “took over” her home?
Please explain.
MORE INFO:
Was your relationship always strained or do you think she doesn’t want to talk to you now because you’re not sending her $900.00 a month anymore?
You’re obviously not the AH either because you were trying to be helpful and maybe you didn’t realize you were making her more dependent on you in doing so.
NTA but your mother obviously has issues that are causing her to spend over her means. It’s a symptom of a deeper problem, and although it’s not your obligation to keep financially bailing her out do you think you’ll be ok with the lack of contact? She’s getting up there in the years so is it worth digging deeper into the root cause before it’s too late?
Based on your reply to another comment: NTA and I would stop paying for her if I was you. You’re being used OP. She’s not calling because she doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.
NTA! WOW you’ve pretty much spent enough on her to retire. I think you’ve done more than enough. Time to cut the purse strings. And now that you are not on hand for her to use more she doesn’t care to talk to you. Cut this off it will only bring you more pain the more you try. Your mother is a narcissistic user
I’d make it VERY clear to her that your money is going to stop coming on whatever date. Sounds like she’ll try to ride the gravy train as long as possible.
You’ve done way more than enough for her over the years, and expecting some basic communication in return isn’t too much. $900/mo for two years is already super generous
Wow. NTA. I would just let her go. I’m not sure what is wrong with her, but she is unkind and she can live on medicaid.
NTA
What do you mean took over the house?
Was it her house, and you just started living there, or did you buy it from her?
If you bought it from her, then it’s yours to sell. If you did not buy it from her, then you owe her some of the money you got from the sale.
I wonder what else is a part of this story that has been left out. Moms don’t raise good kids and then suddenly become like the person described in this story.
I want to know the missing parts to this so that we can better understand why leaving your 83 yr old mother behind is acceptable.