My GF (Jen) and I have been together for 4 years. Back in April, two great things happened: we found out Jen is pregnant and I closed on a house for us to move into. Our family and friends know about the pregnancy, including Jen’s best childhood friend (Amanda). I will admit, I never liked the dynamic between Ananda and Jen, but it did not really affect our relationship since Amanda lived across the country.
After finding out about the pregnancy, Amanda decided to move back home (we live in Jen and Amanda’s hometown). Amanda has been back since late May and all hell has broke loose. Jen has always felt a little self-conscious in our relationship. I work construction and do personal training. She feels intimidated by small girls, but I have no idea way. She is a sexy AF woman with amazing curves.
Amanda has done nothing but played into Jen’s insecurities and anxieties since being back. Jen and I have never been the tracking location couple or looking through phone’s couple. We always considered that a red flag in a relationship. Amanda has convinced Jen that she needs to start doing that. So, she has been looking through my phone on a regular and finding nothing. I have communicated my hurt and frustration and that I think she needs to distance herself from Amanda. She kept rebuffing my concerns.
About two weeks ago, Jen again asked to look through my phone. I told her in no uncertain terms that this will be the last time she looks through my phone. If she again sees nothing suspicious, then she needs to agree to go to counseling and distance herself from Amanda. She agreed, looked through my phone, and found nothing suspicious. But, she soon reneged on her promise to do counseling and distancing herself from Amanda.
I decided to move out. We are currently on a month-to-month lease in an apartment until renovations get done on the house I bought. I am staying with a friend until the house is ready and then I will move in alone. Jen has asked me to reconsider, I refuse. She will likely need to move in with her mother, which is not ideal given the limited space, which I feel terrible about for my child.
AITA?
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All I can picture in my head is an evil laugh and hand rubbing together from Amanda She played your baby momma like a fiddle. Ntah
what is your gf’s.name: Jen or Maggie?
NTA she didn’t follow through
YTA but for a reason, which is because she’s pregnant.
I can understand that you might only give so much leeway to a pregnant woman, but it really is a stressful thing to deal with considering her hormones are all over the place, he cravings dont make sense and she’s probably more self-conscious now versus before getting pregnant. Logic wont reach her in this state I’m afraid. I understand the situation is hard on you but honestly its harder on your partner.
Saying all of that, I would’ve waited to address the whole Amanda situation until after the pregnancy. Right now, you’re just creating more stress for her. If you care about the pregnancy then I would just tolerate your wife’s behavior until after the pregnancy. Its really not that she doesn’t trust you, its just she really doesnt have control over her emotions so you kind of have to swallow your pride for a while.
Either you have a lease, or you have a mortgage, nobody has both. I don’t know how old your girlfriend is but she sounds really immature if 1 person can get her to distrust her boyfriend of 4 years. I also don’t see how Jen’s pregnancy would have an impact on another grown adult moving across the country; there has to be another reason. NTA.
So I will say YTA but it’s justified. I would also recommend a lawyer because it sounds like custody is going to be a fight.
NTA…wow. Amanda really sucks and played your GF like a fiddle. I would strongly suggest couples counseling. You can fix this. She can fix this, if she’ll just see where things started to go wrong – and I believe an unbiased outside person can assist with that.
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You are in a tough spot. You can write your gf’s behavior off to pregnancy, or the influence of the friend, and give the gf time to adjust to motherhood. This would get your child into your new house. And it would give the gf time/space to reconsider. Of course the “danger” here is the gf does not change her attitude and takes your house from you…..
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It suck’s for your child.
I would suggest couples counselling as maybe you can get Jen to see how toxic Amanda is, I’m sure the hormones aren’t helping her emotions.
If not the counselling will at least help with coparenting.
I hope you work it out
Nta and go after full custody if you can. Though thats gonna be hard as yall waant married.
I would also get a paternity test done without her knowing. As often as she thinks you’re cheating she might be the one doing so.
Updateme
NTA Children are raised in close quarters all the time. What you don’t want is a child raised in an environment of distrust and suspicion. It sounds like she has more respect for her best friend than she does for you. Why doesn’t she move in with her?
Walk away, just tell her to have a nice life with Amanda!!
NTA. She needs to throw Amanda in the garbage.
You’d rather have your child have a single mother before it’s even born because you can’t tolerate a little annoyance?
Of course continue to let her know but she’s pregnant with your baby. And you’re okay with your child being born in it’s grandmother’s basement to a single mom without a nickel while you go live in the house you just bought alone.
I do think you should reconsider. Break off separating from Amanda and focus on motivating her towards therapy.
If she showed proof of going to counseling and distancing herself from the friend, would you consider trying again? I agree with others that pregnancy is probably increasing her symptoms of anxiety. For those who said she lied, I think they are looking at things too black and white. Her anxieties, which clearly already existed, were boosted incredibly by the combination of her pregnancy and a toxic friend. I would say, stay resolved but maybe now that you have shown her you can be resolved you can also show her she has options, for the sake of your future child and the person you obviously still love.
Please file for custody as soon as you can. That Jen woman is a walking time bomb and god knows what she might do if Amanda can’t give her the attention she wants because of the baby. I know that’s an extreme to go to, but as a mother myself, caution is better than nonchalance. NTA
INFO: Is your house exclusively in your name?
NTA regardless, she’s untrustworthy and unstable, and you don’t deserve that. You cannot ever fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. I’m just trying to figure out whether there’s going to be a property battle on top of the custody battle.
NTA. This is ruining your relationship, and if she is unwilling to see the damage, then she needs that ultimatum. Hopefully, she soon sees what Amanda has done to your relationship
Wife n friend need to get a massive dose of reality.
I’m going to assume Amanda is single. Sounds to me like she is jealous and/or having a hard time knowing that she is about to lose her best friend. There always comes a time in a friendship like this when one is single and the other is not where they will drift apart. And Amanda is either intentionally or unintentionally trying (and clearly succeeding) to make Jen feel uncomfortable in your relationship.
I think if you keep separate from Jen, then Amanda will win this battle. Don’t leave her. You have a baby and a future with her, yes? Amanda will fade out. Won’t be right away, but she will definitely fade out eventually.
The two of you need to talk. Alone. Let her vent. You vent as well.
No, YNTA (but Amanda is).
Updateme
You are on a very slippery slope. YOU* bought a house, not you and your fiance bought a house. YOUR house is being renovated. Your absolute panic that Jen is displaying some independence from you, her insistence on examining your phone, I’m sure you have exhibited behavior that justifies her suspicions and insecurity is justified. Just that YOU* bought a house is an alarm signal!
PS: If it is still early in the pregnancy do not be surprised if Jen chooses to terminate, or after deliver to put the baby up for adoption!
It will be a momentous power play when Jen accepts that you are not taking her back, and that baby will be in the middle of the uproar. *YOU makes you an AH!
NT. She made her choice, just be a great dad!
NTA. Send these comments to your GF so she can see what a c#nt Amanda is
NTA but what is Amanda’s rnd goal? Is she in love with Jen? Is she enter some type of delusion where they raise the baby together?
Regardless, Amanda is super fucking toxic. I wouldn’t let Jen back into your life as long as Amanda is a part of her’s.
Nta. Amanda sounds like the type of women who hate seeing others happy. So she sows negative thoughts in their head and when things fall apart for her friends she can act like a hero by “saving” the friend.
If Jen can’t trust you now then why the hell is she having your baby?
NTA.
See if she’ll agree to couples counselling now that you have moved out, so it can potentially become a happy coparenting situation or a way to reconcile.
NTA but stay in touch. You’re already on the hook for at least another 18-23 years. If you can get her to see when all this started happening maybe she’ll come around. Definitely keep her at a distance until she figures out that bitch is toxic!
Updateme!
Updateme
NTA. It’s never okay to look through someone’s phone. Amanda played her to become suspicious of you. But, regardless of all of this, make sure you’re still there for your child.
I’m guessing “Amanda” is single.
I would be explaining to your family and hers what this Amanda woman has done and how she’s ruining your relationship. Maybe they could get her to agree to counseling. Or blocking this woman from their homes.
NTA
NTA. Unfortunately, Amanda has shown you how shallow Jen’s love for you is. She let this friend errode her trust and faith in you to the point that she’s going against her own supposed beliefs and is tracking you and searching your phone.
She’s also shown you that Amanda is more important than you, her boyfriend and father of her child. Not only does she take Amanda’s word over yours, but she’s going against her own word and keeping Amanda in her life despite the harm it is causing you and the relationship.
I’m sorry, man. It’ll likely take an act of God to get the Jen you knew back, and even then, the damage is done, and you’ve been exposed to an entirely different side of her.
NTA. Talk to the OBGYN about your concerns. They can check her for depression symptoms. It isn’t uncommon for prenatal anxiety and depression to strike, and if her ‘friend’ is fueling things, then maybe the doctor can talk some sense into her.
Does Jen’s parents know the full situation? Have you goven them all the details of Amanda’s manipulation and Jen’s refusal of therapy to sort iut her insecurities…
The Ahole in this situation is less important than the child thats on the way. Go to couples counseling and try to find a way to either
If she wont agree to do that with you, its on her, but for the sake of your child please try to go the route of solving what can be solved.
NTA.
IF, she were to agree to counseling and end up realizing her insecurities, her toxic friend etc, would be willing to deal with those things, and IF she then wanted to heal your relationship — would you want to do the same? If so, I’d say continue with your decision, and keep reinforcing that you have a desire to fix the relationship that is contingent on her getting counseling and the both of you getting counseling together.
Let Jen know that you two can talk about her moving back in once couples therapy has started. Put the ball in her court. Don’t bring up distancing her from Amanda; that can be dealt with in counseling. In fact, apologize for telling her to do that since it probably seemed controlling to her. Just get her in the office so she can have a neutral voice of reason. If she won’t even consider going to see a counselor for any reason, then that’s her choice but it will likely cost her the relationship. (For the record, I agree with you about distancing herself from Amanda. But the most important thing is to get her talking to someone else.) Good luck, OP.
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NTA this can be fixed if the toxic element has been removed, but won’t work as long as she’s still there. Sadly, abuse victims tend to choose their abusers. They discount the ones that already love them to try and win the love of the abuser. They believe the abuser over others. This is a toxic relationship that goes back years beyond your relationship. She needs to cut this person out and get into therapy. She needs to pick you over her.
My goodness, you gave your child the worse possible type of mom to have. She can’t think for herself, that’s awful, poor baby
This is what happens when you put a baby in a crazy person
You’re not the Asshole. In fact you need to put your foot down. It’s her loss. Her fault. Actions have consequences and now it’s time for her to FAFO
Amanda will be a nightmare after your baby is born. She’s already taken over your GF’s life. Now she’ll take over both their lives. I don’t think this is just a hormone/pregnancy thing. Amanda needs to be gone now, but if your GF won’t follow through, those two will probably try to take everything from you. I hope the house is in your name only. Get a custody agreement in place for the baby. I wish you the best! This woman sounds evil.
Amanda in not her friend. She’s jealous and manipulative.
NTA
I wouldn’t bother even trying anymore.
Have zero contact except through a coparenting app after the baby comes.
NTA. Your girlfriend is becoming the AH, and Amanda is the biggest AH!!! My boyfriend and I have each other’s location, simply because he’s a truck driver, and I worry about him when he’s working. I often travel back to my home town, which is two and a half hours away, and I often travel alone. We are more, are you dead in a ditch somewhere location trackers, not stalker where are you location trackers. He never goes through my phone, I never go through his. We’ve both been through it, and I’m not going to be with someone who does that to me again. Those are red flags in a relationship. She needs to hold up to her end of the bargain or realize you aren’t going to be together.
NTA, she refused to go to therapy to work on the issue, she has changed drastically since this “friend” moved back and refuses to limit time with her “friend”.
She’s choosing the friendship over your relationship and that’s her choice to make. It’s your choice to decide whether you want to continue the relationship in these circumstances.
Never trust a woman named Amanda.
Updateme!
NTA, if she doesn’t trust you why should you continue the relationship and house her etc for free? She then reneged on your promise and basically lied to you. Hard no from me baby momma or not.
I’m waiting for Amanda to hit on the poster. “Jen doesn’t deserve a personal trainer/construction guy, but I sure do!”
A lot of people are telling you to work this out those people haven’t been with insecure women who trust their friends more than anyone else. I’m currently in a 25 year relationship because I learned from my mistakes. You want to be there for your child so you are trying to set boundaries while maintaining this relationship. This was over the minute she asked to look through your phone. The phone is only the start this will only get worse kiss your new home goodbye it’s her home and you will pay for it but I’m sure the gf will get to live there while supporting your gf
It doesn’t make sense that Amanda decided to move home after hearing about Jen’s pregnancy. Grown adults, even best friends, don’t upend their life because their best friend is pregnant. My guess is that something happened with Amanda and now she is back in their hometown and wants Jen to put her first over the bf.
I would bet there is someone else that your GF’s best friend wants her to hook up with. I have seen “best friends ” sabotage relationships before.
NTA but her relationship with Amanda sounds really concerning. Playing with a pregnant woman’s image of herself and her insecurities is insane. I think you both need couples counseling so someone unbiased can play mediator while you guys talk and I think she needs personal counseling so she can hear actual helpful advice from someone other than Amanda
Cheaters are usually the ones who are always suspicious.
Maybe she’s cheating WITH Amanda.
NTA
NTA. I recently had to dump my Amanda and it took many, many years and thousands of dollars. I hope it ends better for your girlfriend and yourself.
This isn’t the only thing going on. You aren’t telling the whole story.
Your wife is also pregnant and hormonal and it’s not uncommon to feel insecure during this time. You need to help her through this difficult time without throwing down ultimatums
NTA OP! Do not give in on this one. You can be an amazing co-parent, but you can’t have an amazing relationship with a partner who suddenly does not trust you, through no fault of your own.
NTA But… Your wife is pregnant. She has hormones all over the place and was vulnerable to Amanda’s abuse and manipulation.
I wouldn’t give that bitch the satisfaction of ruining your marriage. Get your asses to counselling and help your wife do the work.
Instead of sending her off to counseling did you consider going together? You said yourself she has some insecurities and this friend seems to be exploiting them. Jen will be in your life forever because you share a child so you cannot entirely walk away and if you love her and would prefer not to be apart then it’s worth trying a bit harder to get your relationship back. These conversations can be tough and if you have her an ultimatum instead of trying to understand what she’s going through you may have bailed out too easily.
Having said that. Going through your phone is not cool.
NTA but also maybe a bit TA
NTA. On advice: I would try retrying the ask again, but this time make it about asking her to go to counseling, rather than having her distance herself from Amanda.
The distancing ask is really subjective and difficult to judge. What counts as distanced enough? Plus, it’s probably scary for Jen to be on the receiving end of. Amanda may be toxic, and yes this is an extremely shitty thing for Amanda to be nudging Jen into doing, but to Jen she’s one of Jen’s only sources of support. It’s a little invasive to want to remove an old friend from Jen’s life. What if you figured out a way to rephrase the distancing-from-Amanda ask in a way that focuses on the impact to you? Jen might find that an easier pill to swallow.
That said, this whole looking-through-your-phone behavior has GOT to stop. That’s not healthy for any relationship, it destroys trust over time, and Jen needs to learn that, own up to that, and make a commitment to not asking anymore. It’s extremely valid for you to be setting firm boundaries about it and I’m happy you’re doing so.
As a girl who’s had a toxic friend before, a lot of the dynamic came from not feeling able to stand up to that friend. Eventually I realized the effect she had on me and cut the cord, but that strength had to come from within me. Counseling might help her learn how to resist the part of her friendship dynamic where she doesn’t feel able to stand up to Amanda’s weird influences.
That’s what I’d advise if Jen is asking you to reconsider, at least – stay SUPER FIRM on both the phone boundary + the request for counseling, but also to do a little bit more digging to figure out what your needs are with respect to Amanda specifically, and to operationalize those needs as something you and Jen can both approach as collaborators if possible. Hope it helps!