My (late 20s) little sister (mid 20s) “Ellie” has an intellectual disability. She’s independent for the most part, but needs assistance for things like finances. She works, but has a maximum she can earn due to her benefits situation that I won’t be getting into here.
Because of that, she has extremely little leftover money each month. And by extremely little I mean none. If she does have an extra $10, she uses it to buy things for her cat. Ellie is incredibly thoughtful and kind as a human being.
My husband (also late 20s) and I have a little extra money each month, and we decided we would give some of that to Ellie so she can have a little fun. We give the money to her in the form of a gift card, usually to her grocery store, a coffee shop, or something else she likes to go to and do, like the movies. Unfortunately we don’t live close to each other so we can’t take her to do these things in person.
We chose to do this without telling our parents because we’re all adults and, we confirmed, it wouldn’t impact her benefits situation. This has been going on for about 8 months now.
My mom (my parents are divorced) found out about it somehow, however, and went ballistic. She called to say she was extremely insulted we would go behind her back to “parent” Ellie. She said we were implying she was a bad mom, and that we had no right to involve ourselves in Ellie’s financial life. We were shocked to say the least, and tried to explain it was just a little money ($50-$100 a month at most) because we love Ellie, not because we were trying to undermine her. For the record, my mom is not very heavily involved in Ellie’s life. She does help with some logistical needs around her benefits, but my dad does most of the work, and my mom doesn’t support her financially at all. She obviously loves Ellie, but since they also live far apart she’s a bit less involved than my dad.
So, AITA for this? Should I have spoken to my mom or dad first, before giving Ellie money?
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My (late 20s) little sister (mid 20s) “Ellie” has an intellectual disability. She’s independent for the most part, but needs assistance for things like finances. She works, but has a maximum she can earn due to her benefits situation that I won’t be getting into here.
Because of that, she has extremely little leftover money each month. And by extremely little I mean none. If she does have an extra $10, she uses it to buy things for her cat. Ellie is incredibly thoughtful and kind as a human being.
My husband (also late 20s) and I have a little extra money each month, and we decided we would give some of that to Ellie so she can have a little fun. We give the money to her in the form of a gift card, usually to her grocery store, a coffee shop, or something else she likes to go to and do, like the movies. Unfortunately we don’t live close to each other so we can’t take her to do these things in person.
We chose to do this without telling our parents because we’re all adults and, we confirmed, it wouldn’t impact her benefits situation. This has been going on for about 8 months now.
My mom (my parents are divorced) found out about it somehow, however, and went ballistic. She called to say she was extremely insulted we would go behind her back to “parent” Ellie. She said we were implying she was a bad mom, and that we had no right to involve ourselves in Ellie’s financial life. We were shocked to say the least, and tried to explain it was just a little money ($50-$100 a month at most) because we love Ellie, not because we were trying to undermine her. For the record, my mom is not very heavily involved in Ellie’s life. She does help with some logistical needs around her benefits, but my dad does most of the work, and my mom doesn’t support her financially at all. She obviously loves Ellie, but since they also live far apart she’s a bit less involved than my dad.
So, AITA for this? Should I have spoken to my mom or dad first, before giving Ellie money?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to give my adult sister an allowance to help her out financially. I may be the asshole because I didn’t check with my parents first to see if they would be okay with this, and I’m obviously not my sisters mom, so I may be overstepping.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA…Your mom is having a tantrum because she knows she has not been stepping up as much as she should. You don’t mention your dad freaking out so I am assuming that he is fine with you giving her little treats every month. You are not doing any thing wrong. I actually think it is very sweet that you are doing that for your sister.
NTA, your mom is more concerned about herself and how she is perceived than Ellie.
You both are doing a great thing by supporting her and spending your money to ensure that she gets to enjoy her life doing things she enjoys as well.
I would tell your mom that this has no bearing on her parenting or lack there of and that you are all adults choosing to spend your money how you deem fit
NTA, what you chose to do with YOUR money is no one’s business, not even your parents. Seems strange she would be so angry, you would think she would be happy she raised such a kind and giving daughter, who helps her sister out. Sorry, but mom is being the asshole.
NTA, “performative” parents are the worst. Help your sister. Your both adults. Ignore the showboat.
NTA, it’s honestly none of your mom’s business. And if she is so insecure about how she treats your sister that this will set her off maybe she should just do more
Definitely NTA. I managed a group home for developmentally disabled adults several years ago so I know how little they make from working. You are a wonderful big sister for what you are doing for Ellie. Sounds like your mom has realized you and your husband are doing a better job of supporting Ellie than she is. Don’t worry about her feelings and just keep doing what you’ve been doing. I’m certain Ellie absolutely loves your gifts (that’s what I see the gift cards as) and they bring her happiness. In the end, that’s all that matters.
NAH. Either mom isn’t being reasonable or maybe we are missing why this is a big deal. I can’t think of anything and if shes not reasonable don’t worry about this.
NTA.
Your mom is bang out of order for losing her shit over this. She should have been able to see that you were trying to do a good and loving thing.
And I wouldn’t stop doing what you’re doing.
Mom can kick rocks.
NTA you aren’t parenting Ellie. You are giving your sister gifts, your mom is out of line
I have a conserved child who is finding himself in the same position as Ellie.
NTA, but I would always let the conservator or primary caregiver know when it comes to these gifts. It helps the conservator make sure that basic needs are being met fully and that the gift cards are being spent on the child’s behalf, and not by someone taking advantage of her. I think you should give her dad a heads up.
I remember taking my MIL to church from the assisted living facility. She kept putting money in the collection plate – $20 this week, $5 next week, etc – and we wondered where she was getting all this cash. Is she selling her meds? Washing dishes? It turned out that her eyes and ears were still working pretty well, and she was making a killing at Bingo. Took us months to figure it out!
NTA — this is an incredibly kind thing to do, it allows your sister some financial independence, to choose how to spend and treat herself a little. If you lived closer to her, I’m sure you would be treating her to stuff (lunch, movies) — all you’re doing here is doing it from afar! I think Mom feels a little guilty she didn’t think of it.
NTA. My guess is your mom thinks that money should go to her to help support your sister
NTA. You’re being a good big sister. I think your mother is embarrassed that you’re doing things for Ellie that she isn’t willing/able to do.
NTA.. It’s none of her business
I’m going to say NAH if this is out of left field for your mom. There is likely a number of things going on that converged into bad behavior by your mom. The sad truth is, when people are secretly funding a family member, there can be some issues. 1) Why did you keep this a secret from your mother? Is it because you guys just aren’t that close so you don’t talk that much and it has never come up? 2) You said you kept it from your dad too. Why? The “we are all adults” scenario goes out the window when adults can’t financially support themselves.
I am not trying to speak for your mom, however there are some legitimate reasons why she could be concerned. 1) People who have disability due to intellectual disabilities are at a higher rate of being scammed. I’m not saying your sister is scamming you. As an example, you give your sister $$, then someone who lives near your sister convinces her that they will “go shopping” for her… and then buy her 1 thing and spend the rest of the money on themselves. If no one in your family knows you are giving her money, they can’t look out for her to have things (or go places). 2) Even people with intellectual disabilities are at a risk of substance abuse and/or poor money decisions. Someone should be looking out for her best interests (financially) and you live far away. You should have told your dad at least, as he is the “day to day” help. 3) Your mom likely feels guilty that she can’t (or won’t) give her financial assistance. Again, is there a reason for this? Does sister have a past of blowing money? 4) She is worried that you are cutting yourself too thin. For any of these reasons, you need to have a conversation with your mom (and dad if that is doable). Apologize for keeping it secret, and ask what her main concerns are. Try to listen and come up with solutions.
Now a little warning. You should not be giving away your families (you and your husband’s) money unless you have no high interest debt and you do have a fully funded emergency fund and a robust retirement in line with your age. Even if all these things are true for you, the danger to funding anyone monthly is that they become dependent on it. What happens when one of you loses your jobs? You have children? You have a medical emergency.
I am not saying you should not help your sister. I am saying to make sure that your 4 walls are sturdy and it should be a family conversation (unless someone has lost that privilege).
NTA – this is between you and your sister. If you two (three including your spouse) are happy with the gifting then it’s not your mom’s business
NTA, you are a kind soul. I don’t know how disabled your sister is, but it’s not your mother’s place to oversee gifts.