I (30f) had my first baby earlier this year. It’s been the most emotional and difficult time of my life. I ended up hospitalised in a mother-baby mental health unit due to severe postnatal depression. I wasn’t expecting anyone to show up for me but I did hope my younger brother (19m) would at least care about my son, his nephew. He didn’t.
Even before the birth, he was adding stress. At 39 weeks pregnant, he called me at 3am asking to be taken to the hospital. I went into labour shortly after that. A few days after giving birth, I told him I needed space. I didn’t ask him to check in. I didn’t expect him to visit. I just hoped he would care not for me, but for the fact that his nephew had come into the world.
Two weeks later, we had to evacuate due to a cyclone. No power, no reception, flooded roads and I had a two-week-old baby and my cat. We had to stay at my dad’s house. My brother was staying in my dad’s apartment at the time, but my dad asked him to move out so we could have the space.
My husband offered to help him move. My brother didn’t pack anything. He let my husband do all the work. He didn’t ask how the baby was, didn’t ask how I was. All he said to my husband was, “How’s fatherhood?” My husband replied, “Hardest job of my life,” and my brother just said, “ok.” That was it. Then my husband had to drive him and his girlfriend to their new place while I stayed behind alone with a newborn.
Since then? Nothing. No check-ins. No message. No asking to see a photo of the baby. Not a single acknowledgment. It’s like my son doesn’t even exist to him.
Eventually, I told him how hurt I was how heartbreaking it was that he hadn’t been there at all. His response?
“Honestly, I don’t care.”
That was when I knew I was done.
I didn’t want him to be some perfect uncle. I didn’t even need emotional support for myself. What I was hoping for even just deep down was for him to have that “oh shit” moment. To realise: “I missed the first four months of my nephew’s life. I don’t even know what he looks like.” That kind of awareness. That kind of caring. But it never came. And I’ve finally accepted that it never will.
For context: my mum’s side of the family, and even our other brother, have already cut him off for being emotionally unavailable and selfish. I was the last one still holding on and giving chances. But now that I’m a mum, I have to protect my peace and my baby. I’m not holding space for someone who doesn’t even care that my son exists.
Some people have told me I’m being too harsh that he’s only 19, still growing. But I wasn’t asking for effort. Just basic human emotion.
AITA for cutting him off?
EDIT: my brother loves kids he also wants to be a dad, the reason he wanted me to take him to hospital is because my other brother (22m) and him got into a fight and the police were called my mums was on FaceTime the whole time and was angry at my brother (19m) the police said he was the perpetrator and that my other brother was the victim – the police told him to leave the property and that’s when my brother called me asking to take him to hospital which caused me stress because I was worried about him and went into labour and in his words said that he said that only because he wanted someone in his side. I said that I couldn’t take him because I’m due any day now he went to stay at my dads apartment in the meantime and then the day my husband was helping him move he already had a place organised he was just delaying it because he didn’t have a car because he didn’t have a license because he was caught driving my mums car which she gave to him unregistered which he broke. This isn’t the first time he is constantly starting fights with family and bringing up trauma he is always asking for money my parents and I have atleast given him three cars and over 50k. I love my brother very much and that’s why this upsets me because we have always been really close and I’ve been the only one there for him when things got tough ie when he was suicidal I was the only one to answer I would pick him up at weird hours and let him stay with me I would buy all his food and help him do a resume and would sit for hours talking about his relationship problems on the phone even when I’m out with friends
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (30f) had my first baby earlier this year. It’s been the most emotional and difficult time of my life. I ended up hospitalised in a mother-baby mental health unit due to severe postnatal depression. I wasn’t expecting anyone to show up for me but I did hope my younger brother (19m) would at least care about my son, his nephew. He didn’t.
Even before the birth, he was adding stress. At 39 weeks pregnant, he called me at 3am asking to be taken to the hospital. I went into labour shortly after that. A few days after giving birth, I told him I needed space. I didn’t ask him to check in. I didn’t expect him to visit. I just hoped he would care not for me, but for the fact that his nephew had come into the world.
Two weeks later, we had to evacuate due to a cyclone. No power, no reception, flooded roads and I had a two-week-old baby and my cat. We had to stay at my dad’s house. My brother was staying in my dad’s apartment at the time, but my dad asked him to move out so we could have the space.
My husband offered to help him move. My brother didn’t pack anything. He let my husband do all the work. He didn’t ask how the baby was, didn’t ask how I was. All he said to my husband was, “How’s fatherhood?” My husband replied, “Hardest job of my life,” and my brother just said, “ok.” That was it. Then my husband had to drive him and his girlfriend to their new place while I stayed behind alone with a newborn.
Since then? Nothing. No check-ins. No message. No asking to see a photo of the baby. Not a single acknowledgment. It’s like my son doesn’t even exist to him.
Eventually, I told him how hurt I was how heartbreaking it was that he hadn’t been there at all. His response?
“Honestly, I don’t care.”
That was when I knew I was done.
I didn’t want him to be some perfect uncle. I didn’t even need emotional support for myself. What I was hoping for even just deep down was for him to have that “oh shit” moment. To realise: “I missed the first four months of my nephew’s life. I don’t even know what he looks like.” That kind of awareness. That kind of caring. But it never came. And I’ve finally accepted that it never will.
For context: my mum’s side of the family, and even our other brother, have already cut him off for being emotionally unavailable and selfish. I was the last one still holding on and giving chances. But now that I’m a mum, I have to protect my peace and my baby. I’m not holding space for someone who doesn’t even care that my son exists.
Some people have told me I’m being too harsh that he’s only 19, still growing. But I wasn’t asking for effort. Just basic human emotion.
AITA for cutting him off?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My action was cutting off my younger brother and going no contact with him after he said he didn’t care that he missed the first four months of my son’s life and never asked about him. I also didn’t invite him back into my life, even when others suggested I was being too harsh.
Some people think I might be the asshole because he’s only 19 and still growing up, and that I should give him more time and understanding. They think family should be forgiven, especially younger siblings, even if they don’t show up. But I feel like I have to protect my peace and my child from people who don’t care.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I have a cousin who, despite almost a decade my junior, is leagues smarter than I. His only problem is that he might be too smart… for all the information he has, he tends to miss social queues often.
There are family members (and friends) who need to be warmed up to; and even then, they’re just overall better in moderation. And your brother seems like the kind of person you just take your space from until he’s ready to commit to his role.
NTA.
Why do you need everyone to act a certain way? It’s your child so surly your own satisfaction is enough? Some people don’t like or care about children, it’s not a big deal? This seems like an obvious reality of having children, it’s not all rainbows and Disney fairytale scenarios.
If your response is to “protect” yourself from their passive not caring, then it seems more like you’re trying to lash out for not getting attention or treatment you imagined you’d get. Like if someone is passive and uncaring, then you don’t need to “protect” yourself from anything?
It sounds like you wanted attention, didn’t get it, and so you want to cast them in a negative light and create conflict.
Honestly, you sound a bit entitled and annoying and this situation seems narcissistic.
You told him to give him space and when he did you complained.
He was kicked out bc you needed the space.
I dont blame him for being distant.
NAH. He sounds like a fairly typical self centred 19 year old. I understand you’ve struggled and want that connection but at his age it was highly unlikely. Focus on your husband and baby (and yourself!) and build a healthy village around yourselves.
Sounds as though he might be depressed. Exercise kindness for yourself and for him. Keep expectations low.
I mean quite frankly I also don’t care about other people’s children. Heck, I wasn’t even excited about my own siblings. I feel like as a parent your appreciation for your child should be enough. Your brother knows he’s an uncle. But you told him you needed space and then got upset when he did just that instead of going out of his way to acknowledge your kid. So what if he doesn’t ask for pictures? So what if he doesn’t ask to see the baby? On top of that, he got put out for you and your family, so I wouldn’t be to keen on speaking to you either.
YTA. You asked for space, he gave you space. He gave up his housing for your benefit. If he was asking to be taken to hospital at one point and lost his housing it sounds like he’s going through struggles himself that are taking up his mental and physical energy, and you’re mad that asking for pictures of your baby isn’t his priority? After you specifically asked him to give you space? You don’t get to control how other people manage their lives or respond to you.
If the whole family is cutting contact because of this or is probably hard coded in his brain. Cut your losses.
You got him kicked out of his home so YOU and you’re family could move in. And you feel some kind of way because you don’t care about his feelings either.
You’ll be doing him a favour cutting him off
Am I reading it correctly that he basically was kicked out of the appartement he was living in just so you and your much more adult husband can move in?
If so, I can understand him being mad. He’s only 19 after all.
Since he is only 19, it also makes sense that he doesn’t really have any interest in your baby. Having a first born is a massive event for any parent, and you want everyone to love them as much as you do. You think you have the world’s best baby, and you kind of assume that everyone feels the same way. Being post partum hormonal makes everything more emotional. Where I live they say it takes about 9 months to get rid of the pregnancy hormones (“9 months pregnant, 9 months to undo the pregnancy”) give yourself and your brother time to get used to the new reality.
But yes, soft yta..
YTA. severe case of mom syndrome. some day you will be sane enough to realise that the birth of your son might be the biggest moment of your life, but not for everyone else, especially not for a 19 year old with its own problems (hospital at 3 am-> sickness, injury?, being kicked out of the place he was living in, etc…). your baby is currently boring af and wont remember anything anyways. Additionally, you were the one that wanted space and now you have the audacity to complain that you got space. He is not interested in babys and currently your son looks like every other baby, can’t speak or do anything fun and wont remember anything anyways.
you wanted attention, didn’t get it and now you’re creating drama and looking for a villain for your story
I’m curious about details here….
Why did your brother need to go to the hospital in the middle of the night?
Why have so many other family members cut him out of their lives?
My sense is there are other issues and this has been a very hard time for you & a hard lesson in resetting expectations you have of others. Sometimes those expectations are too much.
That’s good and everything but does he even cares
Man you really hate your brother dont you.
He reaches out asking to be brought to the hospital and you ask him to not talk to you anymore.
You get him kicking out his home and you complain that your husband has to help pack.
YTA do your brother a favour and never talk to him again.
YTA.
You are asking for effort. Not everyone naturally likes children even if they’re related to them. An eleven year age gap suggests that you and him have never been close as you’re miles apart developmentally. Your position in his life and his position in yours are probably extremely different.
The way you talk about your kid has this entitled subtext that I’m assuming is new parent projection. You love your baby, and are probably obsessed with him, so you’re projecting that onto your brother and then reacting badly when he obviously doesn’t live up to that.
The way you describe your brother and the whole living situation makes it seem like your brother probably has a lot going on and instead of tuning into that, you’re hurting your own feelings. It’s self-centred behaviour.
You have every right to take a step back and “protect your peace” but I would probably speak to a therapist and really take a look at who is the one who is actually disturbing your peace. Cause it’s not your brother. You asked for space, he gave it. You’re wondering why he didn’t ask about your baby when he was being kicked out of his home for you? Come on. That’s just narcissism.
He’s 19, let him life his life, struggle a bit more, and be more selfish until he realizes he has no one around him due to it. He’ll come around then, family bonds are important. Your feelings are totally valid though, but in his mind he’s still a kid he’s only thinking about himself. Like you said, just focus on yourself and the baby, no negative energy. You’re also feeling emotions on a whole other lvl atm, give yourself some grace. You’re a great mama, you got this.
Edit: after reading some other comments I realized I missed the part where he called you at 3AM to go to the hospital. Hope he’s alright. Kids just going thru a tough phase (nobody cares for me type shi) He’ll emotionally mature eventually. I hope your family members realize that instead of cutting him off indefinitely.
Sorry but YTAH. You asked for space, and at this stage in your child’s life space from you is also space from your infant. You said you had severe PPD, did you ever stop to think your brother could be suffering from depression?! Cut him off or don’t, it’s up to you, just know that either way I don’t think your brother will care.
YTA. You don’t get to decide how someone feels about your baby. He doesn’t have to like them or spend time with them – he’s not the parent.
YTA, you’re totally self centered and want to cut out of your life your own brother because he’s not excited of something basic that happens everyday and won’t change his life?
Will you also cut your friends and collegues who won’t be extatics after 200 photos of the wonder on the same day?
You should be the one happy. But you don’t seem to be.
You should focus on your newborn, but you chose to stay on the negative part of the life and make someone else responsible of your lack of happiness.
You asked for space and…are upset you got space? YTA
NTA but many 19 year olds have very little interest in babies. My half brother showed (and still shows!) zero interest in my two despite him now being a father.
I’d be cutting him off for not being a decent brother rather than for not being a decent uncle.
YTA. He is only 19. I don’t know of a 19 year old male that would think to check in especially after you told him you needed space, then had him removed from his home so you could stay there. He obviously has issues with you probably over how he was treated and understandably so. You can’t tell people you need space and then get mad when they provide it. He’s only 19, it’s not his baby and a baby is probably furthest thing from his mind right now. You are hormonal, on edge, sleep deprived, stressed among many other things I’m sure. None of this should be on a 19 year old.
This post makes it seem like he isn’t the only one who is selfish. Look in the mirror. YTA. Seems like your family failed him also.
He might be a psychopath, incapable of feeling any empathy.
Some people just aren’t baby people. I couldn’t care less about babies. Yes, I’ll give you the obligatory “Congratulations, I’m happy for you”, but one baby picture is just like another, I hope to die never having changed a baby diaper and I can’t pretend interest in baby shit, pee and spit-up. Eww.
Your life is consumed with your baby. He’s 19, you displaced him from his home, what exactly do you expect him to be enthused about?
You are not mentioning any sort of positive relationship between you. It doesn’t sound like you like each other. Why should he care if you decide to procreate?
He’s a kid. I know you think everything is about you. You both need to grow up.
I wouldn’t say cut him completely off, just set boundaries. He’s 19 still has childlike personality and you’re brand new mom who hormones are everywhere. Focus on you, your baby, and husband, don’t worry about your brother or anything else that may cause you stress
> My brother was staying in my dad’s apartment at the time, but my dad asked him to move out so we could have the space.
Sister or not, not many 19 year olds would be happy to be kicked out for their 30 year old adult sister to move in
> Then my husband had to drive him and his girlfriend to their new place while I stayed behind alone with a newborn
This one kind of gets me. Your husband is somehow forced to drive them because he in part kicked them out, out to their new place wherever that might be, and during this trip you naturally stay at home with your own baby. Are you in capable of being alone with your baby? That’s a normal thing to do all day every day. Maybe you’re still having some serious issues and that’s where all this stems from