I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (19M) for a couple weeks. I spend some time at his place usually in the living room or kitchen.
The other day, he stepped out for a minute, and I went to his bedroom. I’ve never really seen inside before. I wasn’t snooping through his stuff or anything, I just kind of stepped in and looked around. I didn’t touch anything. It was really messy. Clothes, papers, random stuff and trash everywhere but it felt very him. He’s kind of chaotic and I like that about him. I don’t expect anything neat in someone’s personal space.
He came back, saw me in there, and got really upset immediately. He asked what the hell I was doing, and I just said “I was curious” because I didn’t know what else to say. That made him even angrier. He raised his voice, grabbed my arm, and pulled me out of the room.
He didn’t hurt me, but it was rougher than it needed to be. Then he said something like, “You don’t just go into people’s rooms. You’re not normal.” I didn’t know how to respond. I kind of froze up and said I’ll go and left.
Later he texted and explained again that I crossed a line and need to respect his space. And I get that. I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries, I just genuinely didn’t think it was a big deal in the moment.
For context, I didn’t grow up going to people’s houses and I’m an only child so I never really learned the unspoken “house rules” people seem to just know. If someone’s in my house, I don’t care if they walk around, so I assumed that was normal and that it was okay for me to wander a bit since we’d been dating for a while now. I’m also hurt by his comment saying I’m not normal. Because I know I’m not. When someone raises their voice, I tend to shut down, so I think he feels I was being overdramatic too by just leaving afterwards.
So yeah, I didn’t mean to overstep. That said, his reaction kind of scared me. I’ve never seen that side of him before and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
AITA?
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I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (19M) for a couple weeks. I spend some time at his place usually in the living room or kitchen.
The other day, he stepped out for a minute, and I went to his bedroom. I’ve never really seen inside before. I wasn’t snooping through his stuff or anything, I just kind of stepped in and looked around. I didn’t touch anything. It was really messy. Clothes, papers, random stuff and trash everywhere but it felt very him. He’s kind of chaotic and I like that about him. I don’t expect anything neat in someone’s personal space.
He came back, saw me in there, and got really upset immediately. He asked what the hell I was doing, and I just said “I was curious” because I didn’t know what else to say. That made him even angrier. He raised his voice, grabbed my arm, and pulled me out of the room.
He didn’t hurt me, but it was rougher than it needed to be. Then he said something like, “You don’t just go into people’s rooms. You’re not normal.” I didn’t know how to respond. I kind of froze up and said I’ll go and left.
Later he texted and explained again that I crossed a line and need to respect his space. And I get that. I didn’t mean to cross any boundaries, I just genuinely didn’t think it was a big deal in the moment.
For context, I didn’t grow up going to people’s houses and I’m an only child so I never really learned the unspoken “house rules” people seem to just know. If someone’s in my house, I don’t care if they walk around, so I assumed that was normal and that it was okay for me to wander a bit since we’d been dating for a while now. I’m also hurt by his comment saying I’m not normal. Because I know I’m not. When someone raises their voice, I tend to shut down, so I think he feels I was being overdramatic too by just leaving afterwards.
So yeah, I didn’t mean to overstep. That said, his reaction kind of scared me. I’ve never seen that side of him before and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Sorry it’s a long post maybe I over explained a ton but yeah I may have been the asshole for just walking in his personal space without saying anything and leaving afterwards
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Run. Fast. Believe him when he showed you who he is.
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You were 100% snooping.
INFO: was the door to his room closed or open (and if it was open, was it wide open or just ajar)?
If it was closed, I’d say E S H. That is invasive but his reaction was way over the top. If the door was open, N T A.
This might be an unpopular opinion but like, you’re both super young, you’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks, and these are some pretty glaring red flags. Just cut your losses and use what you’ve learned here to be better equipped for your next relationship. The guy literally put his hands on you, that’s not ok.
YTA for going in his room uninvited. BUT, his reaction isn’t ok. I would block him on everything and bounce immediately.
NTA it is absolutely normal to have a bit of a look around if you are at someone’s house whom you are dating! Not touching stuff, not opening locked doors or looking in drawers or cabinets but walking around and peeking in? Yes! Totally normal! First time I was over at my partners place, I got the grand tour! He told me his bedroom was a mess because he didn’t expect company (second date, it was very sweet). I told him I didn’t mind because I wanted to see the mess. The mess was indeed messy. He was adequately embarrassed, adorable!
Reacting like you almost found the skeletons in his closet? Not normal.
Now of he purposely told you “please don’t go in there, I have a rabid racoon high on meth making bad choices in there” I would get him being a BIT upset but pulling by the arm? No.
(This is based on me assuming that you did in fact not go rummage through his stuff, just peek into his bedroom and look around with your eyeballs. No touching, no moving of any sort and that you have had more than two dates so that you are not complete strangers anymore).
OMG people can’t want thier private spaces to stay private without ulterior motives. No he isn’t keeping secrets, there is no secret being kept. He’s a messy teen boy who might not have wanted his bedroom explored. Maybe he embarrassed of the mess, regardless you do t explore people’s houses when they arent around. It’s a huge invasion of privacy.
You were the fude one. You knock at a closed door. No answer, it is still no.
YTA – maybe others won’t agree but if I used the restroom and literally anyone over at my house decided to go into my closed door bedroom, I’d be very upset. There isn’t anything to hide, it’s just a respect thing. I didn’t grow up going to others people houses either but that’s not an excuse to do it. You’ve never seen inside many places, doesn’t give you the right to snoop and look.
NTA. Yes, you may have crossed into his personal space, but his reaction was extreme. He had no reason to lay hands on you, period. He should have simply asked you to leave his room, not grabbed you. If he’s putting his hands on you for something that minor, imagine what will happen when it’s something more serious. Rethink this relationship before you invest any more time in it. . .I’ve lived this situation and it only gets worse, I promise you!!
YTA When I was a teenager, my room was trashed. Like clothes everywhere, old food, unwashed dishes. I was dating a guy, and I specifically asked him to not go into my room when he came over. An hour later, I noticed he left the living room area, and he went into my dirty bedroom. I found him lying in my bed. I felt so embarrassed that he saw how trashed it was, and I broke up with him. He is probably just very embarrassed that u saw how he lives behind closed doors.
NTA – This is the 2nd post I see about male partners being upset or guarded their female partner could or has seen their room. What kind of childish crap is that? It’s no big deal if you’re dating. It shouldn’t be the end of the world.
His reaction towards you is weird. BTW, HE’S the one that is not normal.
Break up immediately. A man who grabs your arm to move you will eventually throw you up against the wall.
Run.
And yeah, don’t go into people’s bedroom.
You’ve only been dating a couple of weeks… you are snooping around awfully early in the relationship, because that’s exactly what you were doing. You invaded his area. You’re noticing together, so you don’t have any reason to be in there without his permission.
Info;; He shouldn’t have been rough with you but has he mentioned before that he doesn’t like people in his room? I don’t even let my own family in my room since I’m a private person and don’t want anyone touching or moving my things.
NTA. Time for space in this relationship. Back away long enough for him to do some growing up. He’s not old enough for a girlfriend.
His reaction is so weird but again he is still a young adult. You guys are dating, I understand respecting boundaries but bedrooms nah I don’t understand getting upset when you find your partner in your bedroom, that’s so weird.
drop him.
YTA. His bedroom is his private space. Your curiosity was no excuse to enter the room uninvited. Wanting private space to be private is not nefarious or suspicious. You overstepped. That being said, he absolutely should not have laid hands on you. That is a red flag. Pay attention to it and get out now. Thankfully since you have only been with him a couple weeks you don’t have much invested and you won’t be losing much when you walk away from this relationship.
NTA. There’s absolutely something in there he doesn’t want you to see.
NTA NTA NTA. If he didn’t want you in his room he could have calmly explained that to you and dropped it. He did NOT have to raise his voice and grab you. He then continued with emotional abuse by berating you. You said you left, if I were you I’d stay gone. If he reacts like that to a genuinely honest and trivial mistake, imagine what he’ll do in more serious situations.
everyone is going to try to blame you for this but you didn’t do anything wrong and i hope you break up with him cause he seems very weird and aggressive
ESH. You simply do not just walk into a bedroom you’ve never been in before without being invited. But him getting physical with you is not an appropriate reaction.
ESH. You need to learn to respect boundaries and he needs to learn to control his anger. Neither of you are very old, and it is not someone else’s job to teach you these things (aside from parents growing up). You do need to know that his reaction to your boundary stop, especially as it was a first offense and relatively harmless, was not proportional to the offense.
Him being rough and yelling right off the bat are not healthy things and if it were me, I would decide not to date someone with that big of a hair trigger.
ESH you for going into his room, snooping and then blaming being an only child and not knowing “unspoken house rules” him for getting physically aggressive with you
YTA, but sounds like he’s also immature and overreacted.
However, it would be interesting to know how you would react if he over to your house, you “stepped out for a few minutes” and came back to find him in your bedroom or some other place that he hadn’t been “invited” to be in.
Imma go with ESH. You shouldn’t have snooped (because you did), but he also overreacted. My guess is he was probably embarrassed about his room being a mess, and his embarrassment came out as anger. I’m kinda like that too when I’m embarrassed, so I get it, but it doesn’t make it right.
I honestly think this should be easy for both of you to let go of and forget about.
NTA- for going into the room of someone that you are dating. That is a normal action.
YTA- for dating a literal teenager. I don’t care if he’s 19. His brain is not fully developed. He’s still living with his parents. No. It’s not good, move on. He literally assaulted you.
YTA
Only been dating 2 weeks and snooping…I would have disowned you
If you had asked then that’s different
NTA – your boyfriend however is a bad apple. Grabbing your arm and dragging you out the room is the actions of a complete freak. You may well “shut down” when stressed but apparently he gets violent. Good luck with that, it won’t improve. Obviously he should be your ex but I’m sure you’ll make a bunch of excuses for his nasty ass.
YTA. If he came back and saw you in there, I assume you were in there for a while. Unless of course you just “stepped in” right before he came back. Huge invasion of privacy and lack of respect of others boundaries. Honestly idk if you can come back from that. Dating for two weeks and you do that?
I’m undecided .. I understand that some people are very protective of their private spaces and don’t like anyone to disturb that… but I also think that the reaction and grabbing your arm and getting angry like that isn’t a normal reaction.
I also do not think it is abnormal to go into someone’s room. It’s not like you’re a stranger off the street, you’re dating and I would say it’s not normal to not let your significant other into your bedroom.
ESH if you weren’t invited, you shouldn’t be going into closed places. He shouldn’t have reacted the way he did.
ESH you for going in someone’s room without asking. To him it probably seemed like you waited for him to leave to snoop after only dating a few weeks. And him for his actions while reacting. Being upset and feeling violated is understandable, yelling and grabbing someone are not.
You’re both red flags. Being an only child is not an excuse to be rude. You may have had limited socialization, but everything you did has been portrayed in media as unacceptable ad nauseam.
NTA. You’re in an intimate relationship with him – frankly its weird and unusual that he hadn’t given yoi a bit of a tour the first te you were there.
His over- reaction is a huge red flag. He is either a slobbish, immature hoarder, or a DV suspect in training. He displays zero impulse control or self- discipline. He is a man- child. Kill.the relationship and do.better.
Maybe question yourself, and what is going on that you would embrace setting like this? Why would this behavior be acceptable. And what are your boundaries? Maybe this is an opportunity for self- reflection and self- improvement, as a silver lining to dating future Jeffrey Dahmer.
I wanna add on that we’ve been dating for a few weeks but I’ve known him longer, We’d met around July last year. And he did apologize for grabbing me when he texted afterwards I’d forgot to mention that and yes maybe I didn’t use the right word, I did snoop by looking but I wasn’t rummaging through his stuff or touching, I’d only been inside for like 2 minutes max
NTA wtf is in his room that he reacted like that? Putting his hands on you is unacceptable no matter what and you are right to be scared, such a big reaction for a small thing is a red flag . A couple weeks and this is the first time you’re seeing his bedroom, nothing sexual wise I guess I’m just surprised because when I show my friends or partners my home I show them every thing, messy or not, so it’s maybe that’s just me.
Break up and move on lesson learn. There is no need to grab arms and raise his voice. I hope you friend zone him or simply break up.
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ESH – he stepped away and you took an opportunity to snoop in a place he hadn’t shared with you yet.
That being said, he physically assaulted you. You’re only a few weeks in. Please reconsider the relationship.
Light asshole, barely an asshole at all. Going into someone’s room can be seen as rude, but when you’re invited to someone’s house, it isn’t that big of a deal. He showed you who he was when he grabbed your arm like that, though.
I’m an only child. I still understand the basic concept that a bedroom is someone’s private and personal space. I don’t go in without invitation.
ESH
Edit. Changed the vote. Tough to say how hard he grabbed you but getting physical isn’t good
ESH. You have no right to go into someone’s space uninvited. Especially if you have only been together for a couple weeks. However, he had no right to lay hands on you or being so rough.
NTA his reaction was over the top and concerning. The whole situation indicates that he might not have enough control over his emotions and actions. It may be safest to end things.
I don’t like people going into certain spaces without asking first either, but that doesn’t justify getting physical, or name calling, or repeatedly harping on it.
You’re also not abnormal for being curious or going in his room. However, I would in the future be more mindful of entering into others spaces uninvited.
While 19 may be young, it does not excuse his behavior.
Yeah you went snooping uninvited but his reaction was uncalled for. He’s not entitled to grab you like that. I’d seriously rethink being with him
ESH…He absolutely overreacted by grabbing you and forcing you out of the room. That was over the top. You for snooping when he left because that is what you were doing. It doesn’t matter what you do in your house you were not in your house. You should end the relationship based on just him grabbing you.
Girl he grabbed you by the arm and pulled you??? Break up!
ESH. You shouldn’t really go into any room, open door or not, without permission (except obviously the washroom). However, his reaction was over the top and unnecessary. There were far better ways to handle that than to man handle you and call you not normal. If that’s how he responds when he’s embarrassed and lashing out or just when he’s angry, he’s not someone you want to be around.
ESH- He should not have put his hands on you or raised his voice. But you need to learn to respect other’s privacy. It’s not unspoken house rules, it’s common sense to not go into other people’s bedrooms without their permission.
You should not have gone into his room but that does not make you an AH. The way he reacted definitely makes him one.
NTA doesn’t sound like you did anything bad. It’s natural to be curious about your partner’s room. Unless he clearly stated never to go in there?
Exploring is perfectly normal, as long as you aren’t going through drawers or anything. You did nothing weird or, at least from my perspective, wrong. His reaction makes me wonder what he is hiding in there because that was not normal. But the biggest issue was him grabbing your arm and yelling at you and insulting you. Those are signs of an abuser. NTA but please don’t go back to him. You deserve someone who loves and respects you
His response is terrifying. You’ve been dating two weeks, and he’s getting physically aggressive with you while yelling and insulting you. Even if he’s mad at your actions, his response to that anger says he’s got anger issues. You should leave him.
This is the start of the relationship. This is him trying to present the best side of himself. If this is him at his best, his worst is going to be absolutely foul.
Stop seeing him
ESH. It was not cool to go into a room to which you had not previously been invited, especially a bedroom. You don’t have to rifling around for it to be snooping. Was the door closed and you just walked in? In future, if you are a guest at someone’s home, even a bf, wait to be invited. Maybe they didn’t clean in there or expect someone to go there. A bedroom is a very private space.
That said, he is also very wrong for grabbing at you. That is physical abuse and it will escalate. I dated a guy who did the same, not hitting me but definitely manhandling me and using his physical presence to intimidate. It’s unacceptable to lose control and hurt someone no matter how angry he was.
YTA. If you are not invited into someone’s personal space, you don’t go into that space. Simple common sense. I’m an only child too and knew that basic decency rule.
ESH- you for going into his room specifically only when he left and wasn’t there. and him for the way he reacted. his anger is understandable but the way he handled it was not appropriate. you’ve only been dating for a couple weeks and it’s not your space so you had no right to do that.
NTA
If he isn’t ready for you to be in his room he isn’t ready for you to be his girlfriend.
YTA. You went nosing, know you went nosing, then wrote a post on reddit for us to read about how you are definitely not nosing but know deep down, you are, indeed, nosing.
That’s the most clear cut ESH I’ve seen.
No, you don’t go in people’s rooms without asking. And it is pretty sus that you used the moment he stepped out instead of asking while with him.
No, you don’t manhandle your girlfriend, period. And it’s potentially sus is there somthing in the room he didn’t want you to see.
ESH – you invaded his space without permission. He should not have grabbed you. My guess is he was really embarrassed because of the mess. Otherwise, I can’t understand why a 19yo boy wouldn’t want to get his girlfriend alone in his room.
No one should ever touch you like that unless they are saving your life. At this point it’s not who was right or wrong. You need to hang out with this person as a friend only and much less often. Hangout at someone else’s house
ESH, OP for going into someone’s private space without an invitation. The BF is a huge A for his reaction to OP snooping.
OP should take this reaction seriously and reconsider this relationship. His anger over this is a huge red flag.
YTA, a closed door means do not enter. He was probably embarassed by the mess. That does not give him a reason to be rough with you though. Nobody should put their hands on you like that.