I (39f) shared bad medical news with my partner (38M) of 13 years this morning after getting test results back this morning. I’m not going to go into the medical news in detail, but it comes with a very high risk of sudden death from cardiovascular event or sudden stroke on top of my already complicated neurological issues.
I talked about how it’s really important for me to minimise stress right now and how scared I am. I have a lot of people relying on me and, as funny as it sounds, I cannot afford to die. Due to a very traumatic past, I have a hard time asking for help and I’ve been working on it in therapy for years.
I opened up and was honest that I was going to need more help. I wanted to take today off “off” to process the news and be kind to myself. He agreed and I left to take the kids to their friend’s house. Things went sideways and I didn’t get home until 3pm and was exhausted. I came into the house looking for him and he was fast asleep. I woke him up and explained things had gone sideways and asked if he could collect the kids later to give me a break. He agreed, but said he was tired and went back to sleep.
Time came to collect the kids (2hrs or so) and I went to ask him to go get them. He’s still fast asleep and grumbling when I try to wake him. I don’t have time, so I just go and get them myself. And I’d get his help with grocery shopping later instead.
I get back, sit down for a break (hadn’t eaten or drank with being busy) and realise it’s now 7pm. I go and wake him again, this time more frustrated and upset. He gets up bleary eyed and we get going.
On the way home from grocery shopping, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I lost it. I am not the kind of person to lose it in general, but I did. I did not argue constructively, but I feel so abandoned and hurt. This is on the back of him not doing anything for my birthday just last week and not even helping the kids to get me cards or even say happy birthday. Pretty much everyone forgot.
I genuinely don’t feel like anyone gives a crap about me.
His argument is that he did nice things for me during the week and the stuff I was busy doing was not for him.
It’s so much more complicated than I can write here, but tell me: Am I the A-hole?
Possible factors to consider:
We’re both neurodivergent
We both work 40hrs a week
We both work from home in office jobs
The kids dad dropped dead suddenly almost exactly a year ago
He’s not the kids’ bio dad, but has been in their lives since 2013
Comments
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I (39f) shared bad medical news with my partner (38M) of 13 years this morning after getting test results back this morning. I’m not going to go into the medical news in detail, but it comes with a very high risk of sudden death from cardiovascular event or sudden stroke on top of my already complicated neurological issues.
I talked about how it’s really important for me to minimise stress right now and how scared I am. I have a lot of people relying on me and, as funny as it sounds, I cannot afford to die. Due to a very traumatic past, I have a hard time asking for help and I’ve been working on it in therapy for years.
I opened up and was honest that I was going to need more help. I wanted to take today off “off” to process the news and be kind to myself. He agreed and I left to take the kids to their friend’s house. Things went sideways and I didn’t get home until 3pm and was exhausted. I came into the house looking for him and he was fast asleep. I woke him up and explained things had gone sideways and asked if he could collect the kids later to give me a break. He agreed, but said he was tired and went back to sleep.
Time came to collect the kids (2hrs or so) and I went to ask him to go get them. He’s still fast asleep and grumbling when I try to wake him. I don’t have time, so I just go and get them myself. And I’d get his help with grocery shopping later instead.
I get back, sit down for a break (hadn’t eaten or drank with being busy) and realise it’s now 7pm. I go and wake him again, this time more frustrated and upset. He gets up bleary eyed and we get going.
On the way home from grocery shopping, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I lost it. I am not the kind of person to lose it in general, but I did. I did not argue constructively, but I feel so abandoned and hurt. This is on the back of him not doing anything for my birthday just last week and not even helping the kids to get me cards or even say happy birthday. Pretty much everyone forgot.
I genuinely don’t feel like anyone gives a crap about me.
His argument is that he did nice things for me during the week and the stuff I was busy doing was not for him.
It’s so much more complicated than I can write here, but tell me: Am I the A-hole?
Possible factors to consider:
We’re both neurodivergent
We both work 40hrs a week
We both work from home in office jobs
The kids dad dropped dead suddenly almost exactly a year ago
He’s not the kids’ bio dad, but has been in their lives since 2013
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was losing my mind shouting and crying instead of arguing constructively. That action might make me an asshole because he is saying that the things I am blaming him for are not related to him so maybe I was just unloading my feelings on him unfairly.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Girl, you literally said, “I have a high risk of dropping dead, please reduce my stress,” and his response was: zzzzzz.
That’s not partnership, that’s you being a single mom with a snoring roommate.
And him saying “I did nice things earlier in the week” is giving strong “I fed the dog on Tuesday, why is it still hungry?” energy.
INFO: Does he work night shifts? Why was he still asleep at 7PM?
Uh, no. He IS an asshole. I am sorry about your helath news.
NTA but that’s all I can say and still be civil.
NTA. He said he was going to do something and he did not. He seems to lack empathy.
Soft NTA. You’re having a really shitty time right now. You’re allowed to be upset and you might be subconsciously looking for smaller, controllable, weight-bearing things to be upset about instead of the bigger, uncontrollable, vague future.
Your partner’s allowed to be tired and not know exactly how to help you, and I wouldn’t judge him badly if this was his only problem. I do not have a great impression of him, though, after he missed your birthday last week and was insensitive this week.
NTA It’s better to be by yourself! Meditate, look into Chinese medicine and be free!
“Im gonna vaguely elude a serious medical problem even provide random details but refrain from locking myself into actual diagnosis”, every time I read this, i just laugh. Why refrain from actual diagnosis and just summarize the deadly seriousness?
I mean OP you just medical results and you know the triggering events that could be fatal and you choose to then flip the fuck out? You are taking your medical situation as seriously as your SO….
The story told it’s faintly NIA, but more details paint in a worse light.
NTA.
You need to go to counseling together to know how to deal with your diagnosis. Make sure you know who will take your kids in if you do die.
It’s strange that he was so very sleepy when you both work the same hours. He might have reacted to your bad news by falling deeply asleep. Or he might be coming down with something. Find out.
Tell him and the kids that you want to celebrate your birthday this coming weekend “since everyone forgot and I feel sad.”
NTA but you need to ask yourself if he’s going to add more stress to your life or reduce it. Actions speak louder than words. Focus on your kids and make sure all your estate documents are in order. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.
NTA. But something is wrong with both of you. Your health, obviously. His lack of attention and follow-through and cluelessness. You giving up after half-hearted tries and doing it yourself, then blowing up. Him not showing he cares about your birthday, your health news or staying awake. You for triggering your own potential strike it heart attack by getting super upset and angry instead of leaning to let it out in small and more productive ways.
NTA. He will not rise to the occasion during harder times. Free yourself. Good luck.
NTA but why is he sleeping all day? That isn’t normal.
Maybe your husband was having a medical issue too op. I get your frustration, but was your husband ill? Is that why he slept all day?
NTA, but this is who you chose. You can re-choose. Also, get grocery delivery.
Did he drink all morning and that’s why he slept for hours???
Did he stay up until morning gaming or other hobby???
NTA for your reaction here. But what is going on with that?
Everyone Here Needs HELP
NTA
Possible factor to consider; he got super depressed and upset thinking you’re going to die tomorrow. Instead of talking about it with you he chose to bury his head in the pillow.
NTA
“the stuff I was busy doing was not for him.” So that’s his excuse? That’s BS. So what if they weren’t directly for him, you, as his partner, needed help to alleviate your stress to protect your health and he dropped the ball repeatedly. Picking up the kids, even if he isn’t bio dad, was something you specifically asked him to do for you and he didn’t. He needs to learn pretty damn quickly that not everything in a relationship has to specifically benefit him, it just needs to get done!
Where have all the Men gone?
NTA. But what is wrong with this guy that he’s sleeping all day? Drugs? Sick? What? It’s weird.
ESH.
It’s weird to leave out that your partner spent four hours on the road to take you to a doctor the day before (and if he was sat in a clinic for a while that maybe he’s picked up a bug and is why he is feeling so tired).
Also you drove your teenagers to a friend’s house and things “went sideways”… What does that mean? What happened? You somehow didn’t eat all day because why? You picked your kids up at 5pm and sat down to have a break and somehow it was 7pm? You had to wake your partner to get groceries at dinner time because you don’t live somewhere that you could have just ordered in and gone to the shops the next day?
If you want to minimise your stress, you need to learn to focus on what is important vs what you don’t need to sweat – instead of expect your partner to pick up the slack of all the things you’re doing that feel overwhelming.
NTA for being frustrated and feeling let down and probably more alone during a worrying time for you. That behaviour will have caused you more stress, exactly when you were supposed to avoid it even more than ever.
However, because you mentioned you are both neurodivergent people: some neurodivergent people can feel overwhelmed by situations if they don’t know how to (often emotionally) react and can feel tired and want to sleep, almost like a coping mechanism to avoid a situation they don’t want to or can’t face in that moment. This would be something that happened before though and they (and probably you) would likely be aware at least partially of it being a coping mechanism or something that happens during stressful or difficult situations.
As a supportive partner he should have dealt better with the situation though and been there for you. At the very least there needs to be better communication between both of you. It might be worth seeking outside help for that, as it’s not a healthy sustainable relationship.
All the best for your upcoming appointments.
For him, it must also be stressful. Maybe he slept bad while waiting for the test. Some people fall asleep during stress. Losing it during such stress is not strange. Your partner should understand that. You’re not an A-hole. But I also don’t think nobody gives a crap about you. Give each other some slack during this stressful time.
NTA, But I tend to sleep all day after I have worked a or two.
Traumatised coping mechanisms for me. According to my doctor.
You’ve been with him 13 years and the kids come from a prior marriage? How old are they and why aren’t they helping out or finding their own ways to friends houses? You make it sound like they are 5
I just wonder Are you sure he really wants to be with you or feels he is stuck because of your health issues?
Since you have health issue you should make plans for your kids and assume he is NOT going to have custody.
I would set down and talk to him to make sure this relationship is really what you both want. Then either get counseling for both of you or figure out how to untangle your lives.
I hope you get some rest and feel better.
NTA. But you seriously need to minimize stress IMMEDIATELY or this will end badly. My mom had a heart condition that she could’ve dropped dead from so I know how important it is to put yourself first here.
You need to stop being a doormat for your husband. I don’t care if you need to rip the blankets off him and yell the damn house down to get him out of bed. Hopefully that won’t happen again but you get the idea. He needs to step up.
If he belly aches about it, that’s none of your concern. He’s an adult and can handle what life throws at him just like you can.
Take a step back and let it go. Couples counseling too.
You know deep down… If you feel like he is no longer “showing” you he cares, if it feels like he’s indifferent, doing the bare minimum… Trust your intuition. Mostly if you confront them they’re going to say “I do care, what do you mean?”