Last year, me and two of my close friends (let’s call them Jake and Ryan) went on a vacation together. It was great, but it was also a 10+ hour bus ride and pretty budget-focused. This year, Ryan and I (plus another close friend, Matt) planned another trip. Jake isn’t coming this time because he said he couldn’t afford it.
I asked Jake multiple times if he thought he might be able to come this year, or if he wanted us to wait until a specific date to give him time to figure things out. He said not to wait for him because he wasn’t working and didn’t think he’d have the money in time. So in May, the three of us (me, Ryan, and Matt) booked a vacation that’s about twice the price of last year’s.
Not long after we booked, Jake got a job. I told him we could look into changing the hotel and finding one that had space for four, just in case. He said thanks but no, he still wouldn’t have enough money in time. I said I understood and didn’t push it.
But now he’s been acting kind of off. He keeps bringing up how he wishes he could go somewhere and might travel solo because he “doesn’t have anyone to go with.” It’s making me feel kind of bad. He probably could afford a cheaper trip, but not the one we planned. I’m starting to feel guilty that we didn’t just plan something more affordable so he could join us.
But here’s the thing: I gave him multiple chances to say “Hey, can you wait until I know for sure?” or “Can we do something more budget friendly so I can come too?” But he didn’t. I feel like I did everything I could reasonably do without putting our plans on hold indefinitely or trying to guess what he really wanted but didn’t say.
Now I feel bad for going, bad that he’s upset, and kind of annoyed that it’s being put on me emotionally when I tried to include him.
So, AITA for going on this trip without him and not pushing for a cheaper one so he could come too?
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Last year, me and two of my close friends (let’s call them Jake and Ryan) went on a vacation together. It was great, but it was also a 10+ hour bus ride and pretty budget-focused. This year, Ryan and I (plus another close friend, Matt) planned another trip. Jake isn’t coming this time because he said he couldn’t afford it.
I asked Jake multiple times if he thought he might be able to come this year, or if he wanted us to wait until a specific date to give him time to figure things out. He said not to wait for him because he wasn’t working and didn’t think he’d have the money in time. So in May, the three of us (me, Ryan, and Matt) booked a vacation that’s about twice the price of last year’s.
Not long after we booked, Jake got a job. I told him we could look into changing the hotel and finding one that had space for four, just in case. He said thanks but no, he still wouldn’t have enough money in time. I said I understood and didn’t push it.
But now he’s been acting kind of off. He keeps bringing up how he wishes he could go somewhere and might travel solo because he “doesn’t have anyone to go with.” It’s making me feel kind of bad. He probably could afford a cheaper trip, but not the one we planned. I’m starting to feel guilty that we didn’t just plan something more affordable so he could join us.
But here’s the thing: I gave him multiple chances to say “Hey, can you wait until I know for sure?” or “Can we do something more budget friendly so I can come too?” But he didn’t. I feel like I did everything I could reasonably do without putting our plans on hold indefinitely or trying to guess what he really wanted but didn’t say.
Now I feel bad for going, bad that he’s upset, and kind of annoyed that it’s being put on me emotionally when I tried to include him.
So, AITA for going on this trip without him and not pushing for a cheaper one so he could come too?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t choose cheeper version of the trip so mu friend can also aford it. I booked expensive one knowing he can’t come with us. It makes me an asshole because I was selfish and choose the option that suited me best not considering that that friend also wants to go with us but doesn’t have the sam income as me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH
Enjoy your trip.
NAH
Why did you choose specifically the vacation he could not afford ? Are you even friend with him ?
NTA. His inability to go on a trip should not dictate your ability to go on one. Life sucks sometimes.
It’s best not to have your friend group all think that they will always travel together on every trip. That way, you all are free to say no, for example, when the trip does not interest you or is too expensive.
You did offer Jake a lot of chances to change his mind but his budget is NOT your problem. He is wise not to spend more than he can anyway.
Of course, he may be feeling a bit “left behind” but that’s life. And he will have other trips to take, so missing this one is not dramatic.
NTA
NTA you went above and beyond and were very gracious. Any chance any of the friends group could afford to do a trip with him? Maybe a short trip for a weekend?
NTA you shouldn’t deprive yourself of vacations that are within budget for you, just because they’re not within budget for others. It doesn’t seem like a healthy friendship to me, that you would feel obligated to take every vacation together. every so often taking a vacation together as a group seems more than fine but you don’t have to take *every* vacation together, either.
He wanted you guys to pay
Your the one making yourself feel bad and second guessing yourself. He said no multiple times. He’s not guilt tripping you. Your his friend. He is just talking about how nice a vacation would be but he knows his financial situation. All people vent to their friends about how nice a vacation would be. He’s not saying fund me or change your plans. Maybe plan a weekend road trip. Get snacks, tunes, and just drive. Don’t even have to do anything.
YNTA, but you’re not going to be able to go on trips with the same group for the rest of your life! People’s situations change, and Jake clearly told you he is not able to go. Go and enjoy your trip.
NTAH: You really should have asked him only once and not multiple times. You could have said, ‘Okay, but if things change you are always welcome.” And then don’t bring it up again.
If he complains again, remind him he is welcome to come. And he can plan next year’s trip.
Don’t engage with his whining.
Guilt is a useless emotion.
NTA. But consider getting a smaller/shorter more budget friendly trip in the diary for say 6 months down the line or similar?
NTA. Both your feelings and those of Jake are valid. But why don’t you just tell him this instead of Reddit. I think thats why he keeps bringing it up because he feels bad about it too. No need to feel both bad so just talk to each other and clear the air.
NTA / he’s just jealous and lashing out. He might be pissy you didn’t automatically go budget holiday for him to afford it.
So, he’s allowed to be disappointed it didn’t work out for him to join y’all this year. His disappointment isn’t your responsibility though. You gave him lots of opportunities and he didn’t feel like they worked, that’s all fine. I don’t know if he’s trying to make you feel guilty or if you’re being too empathetic and taking that emotional load on when you shouldn’t.
Remember that you are not responsible for his decisions or his feelings. Next time he says maybe he should just take a trip by himself, encourage him “Yeah man, that could be awesome. Where are you thinking about?” At some point, you could start a discussion about ideas on your group trip y’all could take next year.
NAH.
You gave him multiple chances to extend a deadline or allow him some opportunity to figure it out. He declined it every single time.
Go have a great time. Quit worrying about it.
NTA. He’ll get over it. And he will have a year to plan the next trip with you.
NAH. I don’t know how old you are, but this really starts to happen as you get closer to your 30s and beyond. Some people have careers with high earnings and some don’t. And then some people are saving up for something big and can’t afford to do that fancy vacation or restaurant. It’s just the way life works sometimes.
NTA. You deserve the vacation with your hard earned money. You even asked him kindly (multiple times) to include him. True friends won’t even be upset about it. They would want you to have fun and get a souvenir for them from wherever you are. And perhaps one day y’all can have that chance together when they can afford it too and not cause a burden to anyone.
It’s okay to be selfish when it comes to yourself. You are nice enough to work around just to include him. Heck, if you were my friend, i would happily send you off and pick you up just so i could hear your stories.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Have fun. You only live once. Live it while you still can!
NAH. You offered, he declined due to finances, both logical. You both are a bit saddened that he couldn’t join, also very normal. Sometimes things just don’t work out. That said, is there anything that makes this the only trip? Could you all do a cheap weekend getaway? Of course, it’s not required, but if you really enjoy spending time with him, maybe it’s a possibility.
Do not worry about it. He can’t afford it, it isn’t like you tried to hide it from him. Maybe next year he will be financially prepared. The bus ride thing would be a dealbreaker for me. Traveling with friends is not always easy. Honestly it isn’t practical to travel when you have been unemployed for a while.
NAH. Do you think that maybe you’re feeling guilty unnecessarily? It doesn’t sound like he’s annoyed at you or expects you all to modify your holiday so that he can afford it.
You considered him before booking and he reassured you that he couldn’t come and you should go without him. Him discussing what to do for a holiday this year probably isn’t intended to make you feel bad so stop it.
He said, no, no, no, no, no, no and still no, nothing but no. He should not be upset, he should not be making hints and you should not feel guilty at all because you want that expensive vacation and shouldn’t have to go on another 10 hr bus ride just because he got a job. Tell him to stop with his pity party because he had every opportunity to say yes or even maybe and/or wait. He should start saving for the next expensive trip if he wants to go next time.
NTA, and he’s actually being one with all the passive aggressive guilt tripping and hinting. Don’t fall for it, however he feels is not your fault.
NTA. Jake is just being whiny and feeling his big feelings. Ignore his nonsense. Do the vacations you want to do.
Tell him to take that solo trip. Solo travel is a rare treat in our life once we’re hitched.
NTA. You offered multiple times he said no every time. Let him wallow. He’s just jealous that you guys are going on a trip together and it is more money then he could afford and now he’s just trying to make you feel like crap cuz you are going without him. You don’t need that kind of pessimism around you. Go have fun. He can always go on the next trip with you.
As I’ve told my 8yo, if you want something, you need to use your words and ask clearly.
It’s not fair to expect other people to read your mind, and then be upset when they didn’t do what you wanted.
Maybe Jake should have used his big boy words, and explained what he wanted, or was thinking!
NTA This sucks but it is what it is. No one did anything wrong here. Ask him if he wants to be in for next year’s trip.
NAH.
He never told you he was upset, he’s probably just thinking “damn wish I could go on a trip, maybe I’ll go on one solo that’s cheaper”. He’s allowed to be jealous without being upset with you.
Maybe you could do a small trip together, maybe that’s what they want?
NTA
You tried to include him multiple times and multiple times he said no for various reasons. No reason to feel guilty.
Also it’s a part of life that sometimes people can’t afford to do things or go on trips due to finances. I have friends who invite me to xyz and I can’t always afford it. They’re super nice about it but it doesn’t change my finances.
Real friends say what they mean and mean what they say. If he wasn’t ok with it, he should have said. But it’s also selfish to hold others back just because you can’t afford to go.
NTA
You gave him plenty of opportunities to get involved and even offered other options. He can have his own little pity party.