My gf got frustrated with me on the phone and said, “What fucking time?” trying to figure out when my brother’s party is shortly before hanging up without saying she loves me too. I then texted saying idk why she snapped on me when I couldn’t give an exact time, but it wouldn’t be till late afternoon/early evening. She then said she’s pissed because it’s her grandpa’s funeral and was hoping we could be with her grandma. I said I’m still going to the funeral and clarified that I’ll be sticking around for a bit afterwards cause the party isn’t till several hours later. I also told her she doesn’t have to come to the party and I understand if she doesn’t. This lead to her asking, “Why don’t you want me to come to the party?” I told her I never said I don’t want her to go, and that I understand and won’t be upset if she wants to be with her family. She replied with “Well I want to spend time with my gf so I don’t have a choice.” I said she has a choice and she’s not being forced to go to the party. I also told her I understand her wanting to be with me but that family is more important, and that as much I love her family I also love my family and that I’d like to be with my little brother for his bday. She replied with just, “Okay,” and I told her to take some time to think about it and to not be upset. Her reply was, “Well I am upset. We can talk tomorrow. Goodnight” We haven’t spoken at all since that last text.
Am I the asshole or am I being understanding? I’m starting to think maybe I’m being selfish, but I went back and forth with my supervisor just to get the day off for the funeral because it’s not for immediate family.
(Update for additional context, me 26, gf 21. I’ve also been very distant when it comes to death ever since I had a relative pass away that I was very close with when I was in middle school. Her grandmother that passed almost 2 years ago was the first funeral I have ever been to. My grandfather had a celebration of life that I went to cause he was cremated. My grandfather and dad are also sympathetic and realistic as well. I feel for one’s loss or even my own loss, but I don’t ponder on it too long to keep myself from getting into a rut mentally.)
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
My gf got frustrated with me on the phone and said, “What fucking time?” trying to figure out when my brother’s party is shortly before hanging up without saying she loves me too. I then texted saying idk why she snapped on me when I couldn’t give an exact time, but it wouldn’t be till late afternoon/early evening. She then said she’s pissed because it’s her grandpa’s funeral and was hoping we could be with her grandma. I said I’m still going to the funeral and clarified that I’ll be sticking around for a bit afterwards cause the party isn’t till several hours later. I also told her she doesn’t have to come to the party and I understand if she doesn’t. This lead to her asking, “Why don’t you want me to come to the party?” I told her I never said I don’t want her to go, and that I understand and won’t be upset if she wants to be with her family. She replied with “Well I want to spend time with my gf so I don’t have a choice.” I said she has a choice and she’s not being forced to go to the party. I also told her I understand her wanting to be with me but that family is more important, and that as much I love her family I also love my family and that I’d like to be with my little brother for his bday. She replied with just, “Okay,” and I told her to take some time to think about it and to not be upset. Her reply was, “Well I am upset. We can talk tomorrow. Goodnight” We haven’t spoken at all since that last text.
Am I the asshole or am I being understanding? I’m starting to think maybe I’m being selfish, but I went back and forth with my supervisor just to get the day off for the funeral because it’s not for immediate family.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m going to my brother’s bday party the same day as my gf’s grandpa’s funeral.
It may be possible that some people see that as selfish or heartless.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: How close was she from her grandpa? Can’t you celebrate the bday a day later?
Personally I would prioritize my partner’s grandparents funeral over going to a party if I really loved my partner. After my own grandparent passed I was a wreck and all I wanted was support from people I was close to.
I think YTA. Her grandpa died and she wants you there to comfort her.
YTA her grandfather died and she wanted support. Your brother has a birthday every year. This is a relationship ender for sure, she will never be your priority you might as well just end it now.
I mean brothers gonna have more birthday parties GF Grandpa is only gonna have one funeral don’t think it would’ve killed you to prioritize GFs Grandpas funeral for one year
Cut gf some slack, grief comes out weird sometimes. That doesn’t mean you need to do what she wants, but let the tone stuff go.
YTA. My ex did this same shit, left my grandma’s funeral early for a fantasy football draft. Guess who’s an ex? Grief doesn’t care about your schedule. Step up or step out.
Nta
probably more tone deaf than an asshole. You really need to read the room, she is going to a funeral that is not the time to bring up parties.
So, to be clear, you’re going to the funeral, you’re going to the gathering afterwards, but later on that day, you want to leave and go to your brother’s party while your GF spends the evening with her grandmother?
If this is the situation, I don’t think you’re the AH. It seems like this is all a bit new to you. And, at that point in the evening, the grandmother may not want extra people around anyhow. It will be a long, sad day and having her granddaughter to herself might be just want she needs.
But – also give your GF some space in her feelings too. She’s not the AH either. She’s grieving. Her reactions may not be “normal” because she’s reacting out of grief. Acknowledge HER loss too. Acknowledge that she’s sad. TALK to her. Find out what her needs are, why exactly she would like you there too.
And honestly…. be willing to compromise, to change your plans. Your brother will get another birthday. She only has this one day to formally say goodbye to her granddad.
INFO: how close was she with grandpa? Like did she like him or is it a grandpa that she sees a couple times a decade and is more going out of obligation?
If you have been dating for a few months, you going to your brothers birthday and just making an appearance at the funeral is reasonable, IMO. If you were married, you __might__ want to skip a birthday over an in-laws funeral if need be. So if you have been dating a long time.. I’d say it’s somewhere in between
I’m also wondering if your girlfriend gets upset whenever you have some place you need to be and it doesn’t align with her plans, and sulks, because that behavior may not go away instantly if you married her. I suppose a woman could grow out of that sort of thing. But this is her grandfather passing away, and especially if they are close, she can be like that over the death of a relative and it be reasonable.
You could also have given her a rough estimate of the time. She needs to know if she can go. You could tell her she could see how things go and decide if she wants to join the party. And you show up and pay your respects, then leave. Then if the family asks, she could say, “He needed to deliver a gift to his brother. It’s his birthday.” without saying ‘party.’
I’d cut her some slack on being a little hard to talk with right now. It’s a tough time.
I don’t get this part,
“Well I want to spend time with my gf so I don’t have a choice.” Was she pretending she was you saying that, or did you mean to type bf, or does gf refer to her departed grandfather?
YTA based on details available.
Her grandpa died and obviously this is very important to her; she doesn’t want to go to a party afterwards, and she’d prefer your company and comfort during this time.
What kind of party was it? Meal with family and friends or a bar or club? How old is you brother?
If your grandparent died and you wanted your partner there for support, would you really just be okay with them choosing to go to a bday party instead? Even if its a sibling?
I personally think my sibling would understand that a funeral for a partners close family member is more important to the sibling then their bday party.
YTA, or more appropriately, inconsiderate to your partners needs.
NTA. I thought you were reasonable and understanding until you said don’t be upset. She feel however she wants. Also, she is not going to be reasonable because she’s grieving.
She wasn’t rude to you. You should have left the conversation when she said ok or maybe added ily or something. Never tell another person how to feel.
NTA!
I think your partner expected more support on what may be a hard day for her and her family especially when you took the day off
NTA. It’s not like you are blowing off the funeral altogether, you still plan to go and support her. It’s literally no ones fault the funeral and your brother’s birthday happen to fall on the same day. I wouldn’t personally have a problem with you going to support your family if you had already spent the day attending a funeral with me but I have a feeling I’m significantly older than the two of you. Been through a lot of death and funerals and sometimes life is still happening while you’re grieving.
NTA. You’ve made efforts to go to both events. You understandly didn’t think your girlfriend wouldn’t want to go to a party after her grandfather’s funeral. I’d give her some grace because it’s an emotional time for her. I don’t think you did anything wrong.
It’s rather nuanced, but going strictly by the info provided here, YTA. She lost her grandfather who, I assume, she loved. She wants you there with her to comfort her and simply be there for her.
INFO : how old is everyone involved? You and your GF? Your brother?
Sorry, YTA
She lost a family member and is sharing her grief with her grandmother and wanted your support.
You seem more interested in partying with the little brother, which is why she’s mad
NTA
YTA. your brother will have more birthdays. Your girlfriend’s grandfather has one funeral. Considering brother hasn’t come up at all, he will understand if you can’t make it. You just kind of want to go to a party. Be there for your partner on days like this.
Two things:
I’m old school, so I don’t think gf deserves the same level of care as a wife. Wife comes before family, Gf does not. I think you being there for some of the time should be fine.
While I don’t think you’re wrong I think you could’ve handled it better. When people are distraught they want something concrete. I think you first screwed up by not giving a time. You could’ve said “I’m going to go to the funeral and be with you and your family up until 5pm.
I’m then going to my brothers party 5-7 and will be back at x time. I’d really love for you to come with me, but if you can’t, then I understand”.
youre not in the wrong. If this behavior is out of character gor her just give her a pass as shes mourning. if its not there’s obviously some trust or security issues there. Hope it works out
I feel like the funeral is less important than the hours afterwards. At the funeral, you’re focused on the funeral. Later in the day, you aren’t at an organized activity and just trying to deal wirh your feelings….it helps to have someone there to support you. And it’s not something she can put on family members who are already grieving.
NTA. OP is trying to prioritize both people, her little brother and her girlfriend. While it can be frustrating to want it to be only about yourself, just as OP’s girlfriend is burying a grandparent, OP is not promised another day on this planet with her brother which would cause a huge regret if something did happen to him, something that she would live with for life. I completely understand.
NTA
I feel like there’s no right answer to make your gf happy and she will be upset no matter what you do.
I personally think what you’re doing is just fine.
NTA, you are being supportive. Your girlfriend is in the throws of grief. Right now, that’s all she can see and think of. Go to the funeral, spend a few hours with her and her family and then go to your brothers party.
NTA. You both have family commitments on the same day that are important to each of you. Unfortunately, hers is a sad occasion, but that doesn’t mean you should be expected to miss your brothers birthday to be with her grandmother. You are attending the funeral and part of the wake. If she wants to stay with her family, she should. You were right in saying this is a time for each of you to prioritise your own family rather than your time with each other.
Quite honestly, I would have said the same as you, BUT i probably would make sure i was in the room with her when I had that conversation.
Unless you’re a child or dating less than a year, YTA
Her grandpa died. She wants her girlfriend to be there for her. A celebration can be postponed, a mourning cannot. YTA. Go spend time with your girlfriend.
Two things matter here, how close she is to grandpa or grandma and how old your brother is. If she’s very close to her grandparents, she needs your love and support and quiet time afterwards. Not a party. But if your brother is on the younger side, it’s also important to make him feel valued. Example, we had to attend a funeral on the day of one of my kid’s tenth birthdays years ago. Said kid is now a young adult and still brings this up sometimes. That no one cared when they turned double digits. It wasn’t that we didn’t care, it was that we thought they were old enough to understand, as they’ll have plenty more birthdays. We made it up to them, or so we thought, the next day. So, if your brother is say under 25, he may need to feel loved by you as well. If he’s older than that, hopefully he can understand that just this once, esp if gf was close to her grandpa, you need to skip his birthday and celebrate another day.
I will say NTA. It sounds like you are spending all morning and day with her and later at night visiting your brother. You are not forcing her to do anything.
Soft YTA. She’s dealing with grief and death and probably wanting to be there with her family while you are talking about celebrating a birthday when her deceased family member cant. You totally misread the situation and need to tune down the birthday party talk.
YTA. You absolutely should keep the day free in case she needs you. If the day comes and she doesn’t need you and says you can leave then it would be different. This isn’t some random relative, it’s her grandpa
INFO: There are several contributing factors that would sway my opinion one way or the other.
How old is OP, GF, and Little Bro?
Any extenuating factors like Bros in town for a single night before jetting back home across the country?
To a lesser degree, how long have you been dating and does Grandma have others who will also be with her?
NTA
You’re going to the funeral and comforting her and being their for your brother.
You’re trying to prioritize 2 people that you love.
I think your gf is grieving and that comes out in weird ways at times so give her some grace.
I think if you went back to her after the party that may help smooth things over.
NTA you both have family commitments on the Sam be day which sucks. You are doing your best to honor both commitments. GF didn’t even seem upset until you told her she didn’t have to go to the party. Then she acted more jealous than anything.
Too many hormones and grief and selfishness here to get a true representation of what’s actually going on here.
NTA but give extreme grace to your gf. This is a very hard time.
The better way to do it would have been to ask her what you could do to be there for her, that you would stay with her the whole day, if she thought that was okay. It may be family only so you would’ve been off the hook. It’s not appropriate for her to go from the funeral to a party same day. You’ve now shown what kind of boyfriend material you are made of. If she’s distraught and wants you to stay then a caring person would stay. But you’ve managed to make her feel bad for wanting your support, that you’d rather be at the party. Who wouldn’t, but this tough stuff is what couples do for each other. I’m assuming this is a serious relationship, of course.
Question, how long have you and your gf been together?
NTA.
Take this from someone who buried a baby brother too young and spent too little time with him (relatively) in order to meet the demands of elders and other adults’ expectations. Your only job is to be a good ancestor. And while your younger brother isn’t your descendant, per se, your presence will impact the rest of his life, and you don’t know how long that will be.
Funerals are for the living, the survivors, and your GF is grieving, so I’d give her some grace. A lot of this may be her grief speaking for her and not her speaking for her grief. Be supportive, be patient, but there’s room to honor the death of an elder who is no longer, as well as honor those still navigating life, and I think your compromise is appropriate.
To expect the living to stop living because of the dead doesn’t honor anyone. The best thing we can hope those who come after us that they live their lives and carry us in their memories.
NTA you are going to the funeral and even staying after. I think she wants her cake and to eat it too. I feel like she is being a little manipulative because you were trying to be understanding if she doesn’t want to go and she changed it into “you don’t want me there” which is not what you said. She should be understanding that you have family too and although unfortunately the timing was the same but you have a right to be with your family too. You did everything you could do to make it right and she was just not taking it. I would seriously look into your relationship with her she seems toxic
NTA. you’re showing up and showing support. if you want to make time for your brother, she should respect that. it sucks, but you’re doing what you can and that’s what matters. it goes both ways
Yea, YTA and nonchalant about death. Wait til it’s your turn and everyone just moves right along.
NTA. I and (almost) everyone else in my family are of the mindset that if you love people you want to see them be happy. I wouldn’t want someone to skip a time of joy with family for the sake of continuing to sit in sorrow after a funeral for me—and almost everyone in my family would feel the same. We’d be more likely to tell you to take any extra food from the funeral with you to the birthday party! (Obviously it would be different if it was the death of a child, or a spouse).
YTA if you’ve been together for a while.
NTA if it’s been 2 months or less
You really should choose your spouse first every time if it’s a matter of conflict. Your brothers been your brother his whole life, and will continue to be.
NTA
All families are different, so I can only speak to my experience with the loss of my grandpa. We were very close, and 3 years later I still cry when I remember him (tearing up as I type this). His health was declining and we all knew his time was coming to an end. I had a trip coming up with friends that we had book d several months earlier. I was going to cancel so that I could be with my family. He is the one that told me not to, that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, and you need to live life while you have it.
So I’m telling you what my grandpa would have told me: celebrate with your brother. Even if it’s a drunken rager that you only remember half of. Live life while you can.
OP you are NTA at all. While I understand that your gf is likely acting out of grief and you should give her some leeway, everyone calling you the asshole are emotionally stunted assholes with main character syndrome.
NTA – Everyone is different but for me i cannot handle funerals (empath) it is very heavy on me (although i attend) The fact that you are going to the funeral and even staying for a bit after is supportive. NO ONE knows if your brother will have another birthday, God forbid anything happens within a year. She has her family and they should be comforting each other.
Your Gf is grieving so i wouldnt be too upset with her reaction. I fully understand both sides of this.
There is definitely a lack of communication problem in this relationship… am i right OP?
REGARDLESS OF EVERYONES OPINIONS,
SHE CLEARLY NEEDS MORE SUPPORT, SO IF YOU LOVE HER TALK TO YOUR BROTHER AND SEE HOW HE WOULD FEEL. THERE ARE 3 PEOPLE’S FEELINGS IN THIS SITUATION NOT JUST GF’S.
ESH. However she has a lot more leeway on her aholiness because there’s been a death and she’s trying to figure crap out. Like timing and if she can rely on you.
You know, were I discussing scheduling with my SO, I’d want to be precise to ensure a minimum of distress to them during the course of their day, regardless of what else I had on. Your girlfriend lost her grandfather, and you’ve stepped up and taken the day off, then added a party later to your schedule… a party? really? I could understand going to a party if an acquaintance’s grandfather passed – some friend you used to be close to, but your GF’s grandfather?
It’s not a good look. Add in the meandering narrative and I’m leaning YTA. Not ESH; I’d argue that your GF gets a brief “grief pass” on communications and emotional maturity for a little bit. She needs a bit of certainty in the face of loss, and I know I’d probably be more strident than normal were I in her shoes.
You’re going to experience more loss unless you become a recluse, and the folk you love will experience loss that you’ll need to help them through as well. Time, perhaps, to start developing that skill set despite your difficulty, including professional help for some tools to assist you from dropping into that mental rut.
All these people who think you’re wrong have clearly never been to the funeral of a close family member. By the end of the day, you’re sick of managing strangers’ emotions. So while your gf may want you there, the rest of the family would probably prefer if you left. NTA, but be understanding of your gf. She’s upset. But she may realize, in the end, that you were right to leave and that she should have joined you.
When my mom died, we couldn’t arrange the funeral for a week. My husband immediately ditched my daughter and me to go back to our home (5 hours away – we had just driven up to see her and she died the night we got there) to get funeral clothes and stayed there for the week until he had to come back for the wake and funeral. I did not mind at all – he would have been bored and annoyed and I had other things to worry about. Your gf may be needier than me, though.
You obviously aren’t very invested in this relationship. Let her go for her sake.
NTA You are spending the entire day with her and her family. Spending the evening with your brother for his birthday is not at all unreasonable. She should spend that time with the family that was closest to her grandparent. Death is, sadly, part of life and you can’t stop living for it. It is also unfair to ask you to completely ignore your own family for hers when the ceremony is much earlier in the day.
Would she not want you to go the next day because she’s still sad? Yes, I know it sounds silly but really I only know of one time that a group stayed together over four hours from beginning to end and it was because we were staying at the same home. So saying that evening is too soon you might as well say the next day or week are as well.
NTA. You’re going to the funeral to support her and then fulfilling an obligation you have to your family afterwards. She has other family she can be with when you’re gone to comfort her. She’s being manipulative and too codependent for just being a girlfriend.
Yta priorities dude.
Birthdays happen yearly and it’s a party you can easily skip to go support your grieving partner
NTA. It really sounds like you tried to balance both sides as best you could. Grief hits differently for everyone, and maybe your girlfriend needed more emotional support than she could express. But that doesn’t mean you’re wrong for wanting to show up for your little brother too. You were present at the funeral, gave her the space to choose, and tried to communicate clearly. That’s fair and thoughtful.
She sounds exhausting. Go to your brother’s birthday party.
NTA
YTA
You might benefit from therapy though. If a death in your family a decade or so ago is holding you back from being supportive on the day that a close family member of your partner is being buried? This is not going to be the last time it causes problems.
you would think yall would move the party the day after or sum lowkey
NTA!!! Grief is real but it doesn’t sound like you’re being unsupportive by any means. You are even going out of your way to make sure you can be there and taking the day off work.
Yes, her emotional wellbeing is important. But showing support to family comes on both sides of the spectrum. Mourning a passing is necessary but so if celebrating another year of life.
She needs to realize the world can’t stop because she’s struggling. Show your support as much as you can but she needs to do the same.
NTA leading to NAH due to yours still showing up and being an emotional support for your gf but I understand her being very sad due to it and coming off as manipulative
NTA imo. You’ll be there with her for the entirety of the funeral, and you’re giving her the option to come to the party if she would like, but it makes sense that she wants to be with her grandma instead.
Like others have said, give her grace while she’s grieving.
NTA. This is giving “prioritize me over your family” vibes. You’re going to the funeral and staying for a while as support. I’d go to the bday party after for an hour or two and then back to her side for the remainder of the day as support.
NTA for trying to do the funeral and the birthday party. Maybe slightly the AH for not giving your GF some grace and understanding that she’s probably going through a lot right now, especially if she was close to her grandpa.
Have patience with her and don’t take what she says personally.
I think the plan to go to the funeral and hang out for a few after and then go to the party is perfectly reasonable. You’re not being selfish.
YTA and I’m shocked by the comments. GF wants your support on the day of her grandpas funeral. She wants you to be there for her in her time of need.
You can skip a birthday party this one time due to an actual death in the family.
YTA, not for wanting or planning to go to the party, but the way you handled and talked about it. I would have probably presented it like “would you be okay if I went, or do you need me to support you?” and known more details, but maybe its just your story telling – you come off very harsh towards her.
INFO – how long have you been together?
At some point, the girlfriend becomes more of your ‘family’ so if she truly needs support and her wishes are for you to be there for her, you might want to do so.
She’s 21 so maybe a little more ‘immature’ in that there is an expectation that ‘that’s what partners do, give up all your plans to be with me’ on what is probably her first close family member dying.
How about stay for the funeral, the after-reception thing, and go back home with your girlfriend, hang out, then go to your brother’s party late?
Only you can make the right call, but you tend to go with what your partner needs.
If it wasn’t your brother’s birthday, would you have stayed all day/evening? If you would have only stayed for a bit after the ceremony anyway, then it’s ok. If you would have stayed the whole time, then you should probably still do that
If your brother’s party starts at 4 and is going late, wait for the funeral stuff to wind down and make an appearance later on. You don’t have to be there on time. Your girlfriend will be with her family and you won’t have stayed for 30 mins and bounced
YTA, a birthday is an important day but this is a funeral for someone very important to your girlfriend. It’s a loss of life, you still have your brother and can make it up to him but her grandpa is gone forever. The fact you don’t understand the importantance of the loss in her and her grandma’s hearts right now shows a lack of emotional maturity.
YTA
Your girlfriend needs you by her side when her grandfather passed away and you’re thinking about going to a bday party instead? Very inconsiderate to your partners needs in a very awful time in her life. You can always celebrate your brother’s bday another day and be there for your girlfriend after the funeral. I can’t imagine my partner not being there for me in a time of grieving while he’s at a party
NTA. I understand her wanting your support on the day of her grandfathers funeral, especially if they were super close. I also don’t know how long y’all have been together or how serious the relationship is. BUT that is out the window cuz of the way she speaks to you.
She seems very manipulative, and I would keep an eye out for red flags. For example, you tell her you understand if she doesn’t want to go somewhere, and she throws it back at you with “why don’t you want me there?” She has you for many hours that day but acts like she’s being forced to go to the party if she wants time with you, as if y’all can’t spend a few hours apart. In every interaction she’s twisting your words and intentions and trying to make you seem like the bad guy and wonder if you are, and for the wrong reasons. Maybe slightly TH if she was very close to the grandpa and will need support that night, but she’s the bigger AH cuz I bet anything the way she communicates and flips things on you is not new or limited to this occasion. Little red flags become big problems if you let them slide