For context I’m 29, and my brother is 18. We live with our mum, and at this point I pay the majority of the bills, with my mum paying some.
My brother is a very sweet kid at times but also very impulsive. He gets himself worked up a lot. We are close and he relies on me a lot emotionally. On top of that, I’ve bought him literally everything he’s ever asked for, including a car.
Two months ago, he drove drunk and crashed into a neighbours driveway. Long story short I knew the people and sorted it all out without getting the police involved. I had to pay for everything and I did because I didn’t want my little brother in legal trouble. But when it happened I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry and worried in my life. Worst of all, he didn’t even seem to care much. He panicked a bit when he thought he could go to prison but afterwards he kind of shrugged it off as no big deal.
So I told him, other than uni which he only goes to once or twice a week, he isn’t going anywhere. He can try to find a job to help contribute to the house or he can do more chores instead. I don’t want him out with his bad influence friends and i don’t want them here either. Why is he going out when all he does outside is f around and drink and get into trouble? I’ve taken the car from him. And I said he’s welcome to move out and fund himself if he doesn’t like it.
He is mortified by this. His argument is 19 in couple of weeks and I’m treating him like a kid. Thing is, I just don’t care, and in my opinion he is a child anyway.
My mum and other family members are kind of implying that I’m being overly harsh with him and that I’m an AH as I know he can’t move out given how expensive it will be and he doesn’t work and hasn’t finished studying. I’m aware of that, but then he should’ve really thought about that before acting like an idiot.
All he’s done in the last two months is sulk and complain, and tries to argues with me that after two months I should ease up.
I’m not trying to be mean to him, at all, but I’ve been told I am acting too overprotective and heavy with him. And judging by his reaction, and my families, I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. Or if i am actually treating him too much like a kid, and not realising it because I’m his older brother and all and maybe finding it difficult to see him as an adult? AITA?
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For context I’m 29, and my brother is 18. We live with our mum, and at this point I pay the majority of the bills, with my mum paying some.
My brother is a very sweet kid at times but also very impulsive. He gets himself worked up a lot. We are close and he relies on me a lot emotionally. On top of that, I’ve bought him literally everything he’s ever asked for, including a car.
Two months ago, he drove drunk and crashed into a neighbours driveway. Long story short I knew the people and sorted it all out without getting the police involved. I had to pay for everything and I did because I didn’t want my little brother in legal trouble. But when it happened I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry and worried in my life. Worst of all, he didn’t even seem to care much. He panicked a bit when he thought he could go to prison but afterwards he kind of shrugged it off as no big deal.
So I told him, other than uni which he only goes to once or twice a week, he isn’t going anywhere. He can try to find a job to help contribute to the house or he can do more chores instead. I don’t want him out with his bad influence friends and i don’t want them here either. Why is he going out when all he does outside is f around and drink and get into trouble? I said he’s welcome to move out and fund himself if he doesn’t like it.
He is mortified by this. His argument is 19 in couple of weeks and I’m treating him like a kid. Thing is, I just don’t care, and in my opinion he is a child anyway.
My mum and other family members are kind of implying that I’m being overly harsh with him and that I’m an AH as I know he can’t move out given how expensive it will be and he doesn’t work and hasn’t finished studying. I’m aware of that, but then he should’ve really thought about that before acting like an idiot.
All he’s done in the last two months is sulk and complain, and tries to argues with me that after two months I should ease up.
I’m not trying to be mean to him, at all, but judging by his reaction, and my families, I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable. Or if i am actually treating him too much like a kid, and not realising it because I’m his older brother and all and maybe finding it difficult to see him as an adult? AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
He’s so lucky he only crashed into a driveway and not a person. I hope he doesn’t have access to the car anymore and he really needs to start pulling his weight and making an effort to show he’s maturing after this.
Should’ve let the police handle it. ESH
NTA if he wants to stop being treated like a kid he can start behaving more responsibly.
Unfortunately some people only learn by making mistakes.
Nah NTA but if it’s been 2 months maybe start giving him some freedom back with boundaries. Like ok you can go out but you need to be home by this time. Or if your drunk I need u to call a Uber or cab or me.
NTA. I can understand your concern and trying to do what’s best for your brother, but you have to let him learn from his mistakes. If I were you, I’d let him start driving again with the FIRM UNDERSTANDING that any accidents or any trouble he gets into is all on him. That you will not be covering for him again. After all, he doesn’t want to be treated like a kid, so he can take responsibility for himself.
Why is your mother not raising her own son? It should be her responsibility to help him into adulthood.
Well,he’s 19 and certainly didn’t act as a responsible adult when he drove drunk and crashed into a neighbors yard and had big sibling handle it so he’d face minor consequences.
NTA. He’s a child.
If you let the law handle it he might have learned from the actual consequences of his despicable actions. Seems like he’s not going to learn anything, and you’re partially responsible for financing the cover up.
NTA – If he wants to be treated like an adult then he can deal with the adult consequences of his actions, which would have meant sharing a tiny room with less than savory individuals not being allowed out for way more than two months! What he did was very serious and its lucky that no one was hurt and you could solve it without getting police involved.
If there is a next time he gets himself into trouble (and lets face it there will be) let him know you won’t be bailing him out so he can deal with it like a proper adult would.
NTA for this, but buying him everything he wants and family saying you’re being too harsh? It sounds like he lives in a world where he’s shielded from the consequences of his actions, so why bother shaping up? You might want to read Cloud and Townsend’s book on boundaries. As a counter to him complaining/moping, have you considered telling him “this is how much your night of fun cost, if you want car and other privileges back, you’re going to start repaying every pence of it on a regular plan. Miss a payment, lose your privileges.”
ESH:
You because:
>Two months ago, he drove drunk and crashed into a neighbours driveway. Long story short I knew the people and sorted it all out without getting the police involved. I had to pay for everything and I did because I didn’t want my little brother in legal trouble.
Why are you enabling this? You’re showing him that you’ll sweep his issues under the rug and take care of them everytime he messes up. Driving drunk is a big deal, someone could have been killed. When my mother was 14, a drunk driver killed my grandmother while she was minding her business and going to work and my mom had to grow up without a mother. The way my mom used to cry for her mom on Mother’s Day, and on grandma’s birthday sent chills thru my spine and I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.
The brother needs to learn a hard lesson. Sure he’s grounded now, but he’s lucky you intervened because he could be sitting in jail right now. He can save his tears and be grateful for that.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Or in this case: drive drunk, lose adult privileges
NTA.
He could have killed someone. Judging by his attitude, if he gets that freedom he had previously, he probably will kill someone. I think he needs to prove to you that he’s learned his lesson and won’t drink and drive again before he gets that freedom back. I don’t know if the ‘grounding’ will teach him that lesson, but it will at least prevent him from killing someone in the mean time.
Are you treating him like a kid? I mean, sure. But the thing is, adults have their freedom because they find a way to earn it. Adults have the freedom to drive when and where they want because they earned their car via working for it and purchasing it. Adults earn the roof over their head by working for it and purchasing it. Obviously there are discussions to be had on if life SHOULD be that way, but that’s how it is currently.
Your brother didn’t work to earn these things. You gave them to him. He’s asking to be respected without putting in the work to earn that respect.
NTA, but without your (his) mother’s support on this, you’re going to be hard pressed to keep enforcing it, especially on a legal adult, and most especially given that you cleaned up the legal mess for him.
You’re going to have to start considering a timeline on how long you intend for this to go, what an off-ramp looks like, and how to get your mother’s buy-in between here and there. It’s not that you’re wrong, but your authority is limited.
NTA, 18 and still acting like this??
“shrugged it off” as no big deal is a massive red flag and indicates a severe lack of understanding of the gravity of his actions. You’ve not only provided for him financially (including a car he clearly misused) but also supported him emotionally. When he caused damage, you bore the financial brunt and the stress of dealing with the aftermath. ask him to slowly repay the amount of money that costed to deal with the aftermath
Your brother needs to understand that actions have consequences nd he needs to face the consciences of his action. If his mom is not gonna rise him someone else has to and the person is you.
he might be a adult but he is not capable of handling the responsibilities that come with that.
there is quote that I heard somewhere
>If the mom doesn’t teach the son, the world will
ESH. Why are you handling this instead of your mom? Why didn’t you have the police called and have your brother be held responsible for what he did? You are teaching your brother that you will be there to protect him, hand him things, and hover over him. Why would he feel like he needs to act more grown up when he isn’t treated like one? Get out of the way. Tell your mother he’s her responsibility. Stop protecting him.
He could have killed someone(s) and/or himself. What he did was extremely stupid and irresponsible. If he doesn’t understand that, there is something seriously wrong.
You are trying to look out for him and got him out of a huge mess (which he also doesn’t seem to appreciate). GL getting a good job with a felony on your record – I have a friend that is still paying for stupid decisions he made when he was around that age.
You will be a lot more upset if you let this slide and he does it again potentially killing someone than what your stupid friends and family think on the matter. Also, next time he does this (I how there isn’t one), don’t bail him out. If he doesn’t learn, he doesn’t deserve a chance to do this again.
YTA for protecting him from his actions.
Drunk drivers deserve legal trouble.
You just put off his eventual manslaughter charges.
NTA.
You’re being nicer than I would’ve been.
I’m sure there are places he can go to hear victim impact statements from victims of driving impaired. He should go in person so he can feel their emotion. I remember 19, I never thought anything bad could happen to me.
DUI is nothing to take lightly, he could’ve been killed or killed someone
I don’t think you’re TA for “grounding him,” but I think you’re definitely TA for spoiling him by giving him everything he’s ever wanted. By also making this problem go away, you’ve taught him that actions don’t have consequences, which is why he thinks it’s no big deal that he drove drunk and is sulking over being grounded.
As a parental figure or even as a bother, you’ve really failed him.
He wants to be treated like an adult but also drive a car he didn’t pay for, and have his big brother get him out of trouble? I think you’re spoiling him. NTA and stop giving him whatever he wants.
Drunk driving is atrocious behavior and you let him off too easy. He needs to be working to pay you back for the damage to the car and whatever you fixed for the neighbor. Even better if his payback is time served volunteering somewhere.
Last time I got called for jury duty it was a drink driving case. Judge asked if anyone in the jury pool had reason that they could not fairly sit on the jury. One by one, over half the people got up and told the judge about people they know who died or were injured by drunk drivers. It’s an enormous problem and your brother just shrugging it off is disgusting. He needs to learn to be better before he hurts someone.
NTA, but I also think he shrugged it off cuz he knew you would get him out of this mess. That’s probably why he has the attitude now that you have given him consequences for his actions. It may be too late, though; he may decide to move in with one of those bad influences, and it will start a downfall. I hope it doesn’t happen, but they’re so stubborn and think they’ve done nothing wrong. I hope he does learn and starts making more intelligent decisions—best of luck.
Instead of paying off the damages you should have paid for a good lawyer to make sure the trouble he got in wasn’t life-ruining. ESH. He’s not taking it seriously because why should he? He’s an “adult” and there were zero consequences thanks to you stepping in to save him.
Easy solution get the breathalyzer starter for his car where he has to blow into before it starts.( should have fun explaining that to friends and dates). If he complains explain that he would had had to do it anyway with an underage DUI if they they even let him drive at all.
NTA. He’s very lucky you were able to get him out of legal trouble and he didn’t just ruin his life. If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to start acting like one and showing you he can be responsible, that he understands why he was wrong, and that he’s sorry for wrecking the car you paid for. So far he has done none of those things.
Normally I would say this is your mother’s place to enforce and not yours, but she doesn’t seem to want to enforce consequences on him and this is too important to not have consequences. He could have killed someone.
YTA for enabling him for drunk driving. Of course he doesn’t care, you took away his consequences. Next time he does it and kills someone, he is in for a shock when you won’t necessarily be able to buy him out.
My best friend when I was a child was killed by a drunk driver. Who had done it before but gotten slaps on the wrist because “just mailboxes”. And since the driver was 17 when he killed my friend, he got just another slap on the wrist so his “life wouldn’t get ruined for a kid’s mistake”. Mommy and daddy had the $$$$ to bail him out.
NTA. If you can get away with giving him rules that he will follow, then do so. He needs some structure and a wake up call.
OP, it sounds like your mother is not much of a parent and the extended family is not particularly responsible either. For you to have been able to grow up and be responsible and also kind enough to support your mom and brother, despite no good role models, is a great credit to you.
It does sound as if you have believed that it was a good thing for you to give your brother so much and to help him out of the jam he got himself into. It would have been better for him to have had to work in order to get something as nice as a car even if you gave him some financial help. And sadly, your brother has already demonstrated to you that bailing him out of his drunk driving consequences means that he learned nothing. I won’t call you and AH for that because you are not his parent and you have not had good parental role models to learn from.
Grounding him is actually one of the only steps you have left to teach him consequences. If there are resources available such as drunk, driving victim, impact statements, or a program about the consequences of drunk driving, you could require your brother to access those resources and then write/ discuss to tell you what he has learned from them.
What you are requiring of him it’s not too much, contrary to your family members who think he should be able to forget about this and lively go on doing the same foolish behaviors that got him in trouble to begin with.
As for him turning 19. You can tell him that yes he Should be a responsible adult, but he is not. While he depends upon you, he is subject to your rules. There is no reason you need to fund an adult who chooses behaviors that are constantly and dangerous.
OP, I believe you have actually been the only person helping your brother grow up. But you need to be prepared that he may choose to not become responsible or make good choices. You need to protect yourself from bearing the burden of his choices as an adult. At some point, you may need to distance yourself from him. You do need to stop bailing him out and need to phase out subsidizing him. As long as he is working hard toward becoming independent and self-sufficient, your support is helpful. If he is not using your support to mature and build a good life, then your support is enabling him to continue to make bad choices. I hope you see the difference.
ESH
You brother committed a Felony Crime and could have killed someone. Instead of having him held responsible for his actions, you swept it under the rug. You’re just enabling him.
NTA.
Your actions are understandable. No rational person would want their family members to go to prison for such a stupid mistake. Not saying drunk driving is just a ‘mistake’, it could’ve gone far worse, but the fact that it didn’t is something to be thankful for. However, that’s not to say that it might not go a different way if he continues like this.
While it is unclear how things went down exactly, I’m leaning towards your reaction being understandable.
What is more important is for him to reflect. Maybe he does feel bad about what he did. I’d suggest that, instead of grounding him, make him attend drunk driving seminars. Perhaps that would opened his eyes to the dangers to him and others.
YTA he sounds like a mega spoilt child that is just being enabled. Take the car off him and leave him to make his own mistakes. He will never learn if you keep protecting him
As a parent of a 19-yr-old, I feel for you. You and your family are doing it wrong, for a long time now. You are teaching him to be irresponsible with his choices, and that you will be there to clean it up.
He’s not a full adult (in my opinion), but he will need to be soon and you’re supposed to build him up ready for that (not really your job but you admit to taking on the parenting figure).
My older brother grew up with my Mom being the enabler and he absolutely became a shitshow. What you are doing is technically ruining his growth and development.
Idk if you are planning to change or work on your mindset, but you and family (maybe the society too) will suffer from this in the future. In very rare chances, I’ve seen people slowly mature despite being spoiled, but the odds are not in your favor.
ESH.
ESH. Him for drink driving and you for sweeping it under the rug! He’s an adult and should have face proper consequences for his actions. Grounding an adult is not proper consequences. Your neighbours SHOULD have involved the police and you should not have gotten involved!
NTA for grounding him, but YTA for sweeping the drunk driving thing under a rug. What if he had killed someone?! He needs to learn actions have consequences, and all you taught him is you’ll just bail him out when he’s in trouble. Don’t EVER not involve the cops in stuff like that, this is serious shit.
NTA. Your brother is blessed to have a community around him that cares and loves him. It’s important that you teach how you can and enforce the rules you’ve set forth already. A DUI conviction leads to 3 years of probation, months of a suspended license, and over $12,000 in costs for a 1st time 21yr old+ offender with no extra charges (add penalties for an accident, speeding, having minors in the car/being a minor). I cannot understate how awesome it is your brother has your support and your ability to take care of him and rid his life of a DUI conviction. It’s your job now to actually care for him and help him steer himself to the right decisions and directions. You should not let him have the car back until he’s 21+. DUI’s as a minor restrict you from having a license until 21. You caught him, you decided he’s your responsibility, be responsible for him. He’ll learn to thank you (me and my sister are just like y’all, im 25 now and she’s 31 but she’s always been the one to help wrap up my messes when I was a kid we get along together awesome now. Good luck soldier 🫡