My sister (34) and I (30) have always been pretty close, or as close as you can be in a family that hardly ever talks about their feelings. She’s getting married this year, and obviously our whole extended families want to make it a grand affair, but to spare the inconvenience (and the cost) they’re having a small elopement wedding in Europe and a small city hall wedding back home—a decision that I have always supported and defended her on.
The elopement wedding will only be attended by two of her friends (a couple) as official witnesses, and the city hall wedding would be attended by the same couple, myself and my brother (all three of us live in the same city, the groom’s family lives across the country). A Happy Hour reception after.
She recently found out that you’re only allowed four people to attend a city hall wedding. So she decided the only attendees will be that same exact couple as witnesses again, plus the wedding photographer. No fourth guest. So my brother and I have now been shafted to just guests at the reception instead.
I bit my tongue in the moment but got more upset as the day went on, so I texted her later asking if she really was not going to have any family at either of her ceremonies, and that I felt really hurt by her decision.
Our parents passed away when we were very young and the three of us are all we have. She’s even borrowing our mom’s wedding band from me (which I hold ordinarily) so that she feels she has family with her during both ceremonies. Is it wrong to ask “what about us?”
I know it’s her wedding and she can do whatever she wants. I know I’m not entitled to anything or owed anything by anyone. Do I even have a right to be mad? Should I have just shut up and not said anything? Even if she says it’s “nothing personal,” that makes me feel even worse. Is that really all our presence is worth? Something to just be dropped as an afterthought?
Now I even regret saying anything because if she does change her mind, I’ll forever be the asshole who threw a tantrum just to get a ticket to my own sister’s wedding. And now I feel like shit for trying to guilt my sister just so I could be there. How much am I allowed to feel bad about this? Am I an asshole for saying anything at all?
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My sister (34) and I (30) have always been pretty close, or as close as you can be in a family that hardly ever talks about their feelings. She’s getting married this year, and obviously our whole extended families want to make it a grand affair, but to spare the inconvenience (and the cost) they’re having a small elopement wedding in Europe and a small city hall wedding back home—a decision that I have always supported and defended her on.
The elopement wedding will only be attended by two of her friends (a couple) as official witnesses, and the city hall wedding would be attended by the same couple, myself and my brother (all three of us live in the same city, the groom’s family lives across the country). A Happy Hour reception after.
She recently found out that you’re only allowed four people to attend a city hall wedding. So she decided the only attendees will be that same exact couple as witnesses again, plus the wedding photographer. No fourth guest. So my brother and I have now been shafted to just guests at the reception instead.
I bit my tongue in the moment but got more upset as the day went on, so I texted her later asking if she really was not going to have any family at either of her ceremonies, and that I felt really hurt by her decision.
Our parents passed away when we were very young and the three of us are all we have. She’s even borrowing our mom’s wedding band from me (which I hold ordinarily) so that she feels she has family with her during both ceremonies. Is it wrong to ask “what about us?”
I know it’s her wedding and she can do whatever she wants. I know I’m not entitled to anything or owed anything by anyone. Do I even have a right to be mad? Should I have just shut up and not said anything? Even if she says it’s “nothing personal,” that makes me feel even worse. Is that really all our presence is worth? Something to just be dropped as an afterthought?
Now I even regret saying anything because if she does change her mind, I’ll forever be the asshole who threw a tantrum just to get a ticket to my own sister’s wedding. And now I feel like shit for trying to guilt my sister just so I could be there. How much am I allowed to feel bad about this? Am I an asshole for saying anything at all?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Guilting my sister into attending her wedding.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA
> I know it’s her wedding and she can do whatever she wants.
Do you?
> they’re having a small elopement wedding in Europe and a small city hall wedding back home
Not for nothing, but: If you tell everyone in advance, it’s not eloping. It’s having a small destination wedding.
NTA.
Given your sister’s relationship with you and your brother are solid – I don’t see why you and your brother can’t be the witness for the city hall wedding instead of the two friends again??
I think you’re being reasonable in asking. If she says no, she says no — but doesn’t hurt to ask.
Soft YTA. I understand wanting to feel important to your sister and wanting to be there for such a special occasion.
But it’s still not your wedding and you have no right to try and make your sister feel bad for not inviting you.
You can celebrate with your sister at the reception just like your brother and everyone else.
If you push for an invitation to the ceremony, you might find yourself pushed out of her life.
Actions have consequences. I think you were fine to gently share how you feel. Unless you have a history of bossing her around, undermining her choices, or trying the get your way, then you didn’t do anything wrong. Just don’t say anything else about it unless she brings it up. NTA
i think it’s reasonable to want to be there! and i think it is fair for you to express that to her. the decision is ultimately hers, but you shared your feelings and that should factor in. don’t beat yourself up either way, weddings are intense and some people value certain aspects more than others, maybe it is more meaningful for her to have you at the reception dinner? NTA for sharing your feelings/opinion/reaction to the change in invite
A very soft YTA she may not want to only invite you or only invite your brother as the 4th guest. She may not want to choose between the two of you and have you think she favors one over the other, so instead it was neither. She may be in a tough spot. You could gently ask her or see if that is the reason.
NTA – I would be just as hurt. I think what and how you asked was reasonable. TBH I feel your sister owes an explanation to you and your brother, especially if you’re as close as you mentioned. It would make sense if she rotated the parties. Is something going on you don’t know about? I think I would also wonder if I’d done something wrong if I were in your shoes. I think it’s ok to express how hurt you are. Don’t approach it in anger or ready to fight – that will get you nowhere fast. You’re definitely allowed to feel upset about it – as someone with siblings, I would be too! But again, approach it with listening to understand and let her know you’re hurt… stay away from finger pointing and any potential rabbit holes of “you always…”
YTA, it’s not about you. What she is doing is bizarre…city hall & an element with only two friends at both, what’s the point of it.
NTA, she’s allowed to make the choices she did and you’re allowed to have the feelings you have about it and tell her those feelings. All actions have consequences and not all consequences are positive.
“shafted”
NTA
I do wonder what justice would say only 2 guests? Call the Justice and find out for sure shalom you’re loved 💔
I do wonder what justice would say only 2 guests? Call the Justice and find out for sure shalom you’re loved 💔
It is not about you. Have the male in the couple stream it you and meet them at the reception afterwards. You are still apart of her wedding day, and still included if you are traveling for it.
It is your duty to be there for her in whatever way she deems fit for HER DAY.
I’ve already warned my sister of the same stipulation. We are also close, not having parents in the picture, and I will not waste money on a big to-do, only an elopement/signing the docs, etc. I’m not even having the equivalent to the HH Reception like your sister, so be grateful for that. She’s a very reasonable sister IMHO.
This is her decision and you’re making it harder on her by whining about it let her do her thing and just be excited for her and enjoy the after party
Info-is the city hall wedding because the destination wedding isn’t recognized as legal in the your home country? Usually when I hear a couple elopes and then does a ceremony later, it is for the people who hadn’t gotten to see it yet. This is the first I’ve heard about two ceremonies that are both so small with the same two witnesses. I don’t really understand, and with that said, I don’t think you’re an AH for expressing your feelings about it. You would be an AH if you threw a fit about it, but not for just asking. And I bet you aren’t the only one wondering why they made those choices.
YTA it’s not about you ffs
It’s not your day or days. It’s more about what she wants. None of the grooms family will be there either. Why do you think you and your brother are better than his family. You are hurt by what she’s doing but YTA for not letting her have the wedding days that she wants.
You have every right to be hurt, but yes, you shouldn’t have told her.
Extra info – what family does the groom have? Having mutual friends instead of family means there is no favouritism to her family over his. His parents and siblings, if he had any, are also not invited. I think the couple getting married are making a very smart choice, people seem to forget there are 2 people involved in a wedding and the one in the ‘white dress’ is not more important than the one in the ‘suit’
Let’s reframe a few things:
Voicing your feelings in an adult manner is not throwing a tantrum.
If your sister changes her mind, that is her choice. Point blank. You voiced your feelings and perhaps gave her a perspective she had lost sight of.
You aren’t guilting her. You’re are reaching out because your connection matters.
Maybe it’s time to flip the script and ask her why she had chosen to include the other couple for both ceremonies instead of putting her on the defensive about not including you and your brother. Might give everyone some insight.
You’re allowed to feel sad and disappointed.
Your sister is massively contradicting herself:
OP, stop saying that you “threw a tantrum just to get a ticket to my own sister’s wedding” or that you “feel like shit for trying to guilt my sister just so I could be there” or that you are not “allowed to feel bad about this”. You’re under valuing yourself. Don’t. Plus it sounds like your actually gaslighting yourself! What your sister did was to show you just how little you and your brother matter to her. That’s the bottom line. She can sugar coat it all she wants but she straight up said I’d prefer to have two weddings with the same friends at both rather than have you anywhere near the event. But you know what, you can still attend the reception, give me the ring, purchase a gift for me, and celebrate how wonderful I am. She didn’t even think twice about it! How’s that for showing love and respect?
OP, if you have no value to her that’s one thing. But you do have value. It’s not wrong to ask “what about us?” You and your brother should just not show up to the reception and tell her it’s nothing personal. Oh, and take that freaking ring back.
YTA, like you said this is not your wedding and you do not get to dictate who goes, the bride and groom do. Did it occur to you that your sister and her future husband only want friends as their witnesses so one’s family is not favored over the other.
It seems this was a compromise made by both of them so one’s family doesn’t feel left out, yet here you are throwing a fit because you think your attendance is more important
YTA
You’re making her wedding about you.. It might suck, but ultimately it’s the bride and grooms decision. You should just support her instead of stressing her when she’s likely already stressed
YTA. You took emotional hostages over this and now there is damage to your relationship with your sister. You’re putting your own emotional needs over your sister’s preferences for her own wedding.
I’m not saying there are no consequences for her decision either. You have every right to ice her out of YOUR wedding and she could hardly complain. But consider that just because she is your biological sister doesn’t mean she is obligated to be one of the closest people in your life.
It depends on how you approached it. If you said “I feel really bad that I won’t be at either of your wedding ceremonies” and let her choose from there, I don’t think you did anything wrong. If you are pushing on her and telling her she’s ruining something for you, then that’s another thing altogether. The day isn’t about you, but you have every right to feel how you feel and it’s absolutely a good thing to tell your sister how her actions make you feel. Maybe it won’t change her mind, but it will at least let her know that she hurt you even if she didn’t mean to. It’s the exact wording of
> I texted her later asking if she really was not going to have any family at either of her ceremonies
that would tell me if you’re TA or not
Yeah, sorry but YTA
It’s understandable that you’re upset but it would have been better for you not say anything, and maybe to throw a small celebration for your sister and her new husband sometime after the wedding rather than force her to change her plans.
You will probably do some permanent damage to your relationship with your sister if you don’t course correct and tell her you were a bit disappointed and you overreacted. Let her know that she should keep her original plans, apologize for even telling her anything, and be genuine not guilt trippy. Then maybe offer to host a celebration for the new couple to celebrate after the wedding.
There’s some missing info here
INFO You said you texted and told her you felt hurt by her decision. But you don’t share exactly what you said, or how it was “guilt” or a “tantrum,” so it’s hard to judge. You are absolutely welcome to feel what you feel imo, angry, hurt, disappointed, sad or whatever. But having strong feelings doesn’t necessarily entitle you to lash out, make demands, or make someone else miserable.
If you were guilting her, it would be something like “I can’t believe you left me out, after everything I did to defend you from the rest of the family when you wanted to elope” or “if mom and dad were still alive, they’d be ashamed of you.” That would be AH behavior.
If it was more like “I really wanted to be there with you on your wedding day, because I love you and I’m so sad to miss it” then NTA.
But it feels like there’s more to the story, somewhere. You say that “the three of us are all we have” but also mention “our whole extended families” – so which is it? Three orphans alone in the world or a large extended family that wants a “grand affair”? It’s confusing.
You mention being “as close as you can be in a family that hardly ever talks about their feelings.” Is it possible your sister feels closer to these friends of hers than to you and your brother, and that’s what’s really hurting you? Is it possible that she wants to avoid a lot of family drama from those people who wanted to hijack her big day for their “grand affair,” so she’s not having any family at all? Or maybe since her husband’s family can’t be there, she’s not having her family either?
YTA Elopement/honeymoon is not a wedding party. If they only allow four people at the courthouse, it’s unfair for her to have all of her siblings while the groom has no one. (like his parents or siblings) And I’m assuming the couple is both of their friends not just hers.
Just go to the happy hour and celebrate there. You don’t need to be at every step of the way.
YTA. If your intention is specifically to guilt her. If all you want is info, then rephrase the question. The way you’ve framed the situation, you’re putting her on the defensive. People on the defensive will only dig their heels in and push back harder. So, instead, calmly, ask her why this friends couple is important to her. Just be like “hey, us brothers were looking forward to seeing our little sis get married. We love you and support you, but we just want to know why your friends couple is important to you? We just want some more insight. We’re both sad we can’t be there for both of your weddings. Ultimately it’s still your wedding and your decisions, and we still support you. “