Hi, I need perspective because my family is making me feel like I’m unreasonable.
My partner and I are getting married soon and from the beginning we agreed that the wedding would be without children. The main reasons are that the place and the atmosphere are created for adults (cocktails, open bar, loud music, staying late…) and we want our guests to relax, without worrying about children running around or crying.
We clearly write “adults only” on the invitations. Most of the family members accepted, but some were upset.
A cousin of mine told me that I am “excluding the family” because she refuses to leave them with anyone. My aunt said “a wedding is a family event, not a nightclub” and threatened not to come if her grandchildren were not invited.
It’s not that I don’t like children, in fact I love them, but it’s our wedding and we’re paying for it. Many guests thanked us saying that they were happy with a night without parenting, yet some family members call me selfish and say that I am ruining the opportunity to get the whole family together so now I am beginning to doubt, am I bad for not being able to allow children at my wedding?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Hi, I need perspective because my family is making me feel like I’m unreasonable.
My partner and I are getting married soon and from the beginning we agreed that the wedding would be without children. The main reasons are that the place and the atmosphere are created for adults (cocktails, open bar, loud music, staying late…) and we want our guests to relax, without worrying about children running around or crying.
We clearly write “adults only” on the invitations. Most of the family members accepted, but some were upset.
A cousin of mine told me that I am “excluding the family” because she refuses to leave them with anyone. My aunt said “a wedding is a family event, not a nightclub” and threatened not to come if her grandchildren were not invited.
It’s not that I don’t like children, in fact I love them, but it’s our wedding and we’re paying for it. Many guests thanked us saying that they were happy with a night without parenting, yet some family members call me selfish and say that I am ruining the opportunity to get the whole family together so now I am beginning to doubt, am I bad for not being able to allow children at my wedding?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told all my guests that children are not allowed at my wedding. Some family members are upset and say I’m being unfair, so I wonder if I might be the asshole for excluding kids from the event
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA and there’s always someone who’s going to have something to say about how you hold your wedding. Do what is right for you and if people don’t come that’s on them. It’s your day, have fun and congratulations!
As long as you’re not giving anyone a hard time for declining the invitation, you’re NTA.
>My aunt said “a wedding is a family event, not a nightclub” and threatened not to come if her grandchildren were not invited
Old enough to be a grandparent and she hasn’t learned that stamping her foot and making demands is rude and childish.
>some family members call me selfish
Heaven forbid your wedding be on your and your future spouse’s terms.
NTA. Your wedding, your rules. You literally wrote “adults only” on the invite. Anyone who doesn’t like it can stay home, it’s not your job to provide free babysitting just so they can attend
“Excluding family” by not having kids there? Bullshit. Quite often kids at a wedding screws up ALOT. Weddings are for the bride & groom. If someone doesn’t want to come because of the no kids rule, CHEER! They’re making their own decision to come or not. They can hire a babysitter. They can have in-laws or a family friend babysit.
You’ve said child-free. It’s done, no arguing! It’s YOUR wedding. YOU make the rules. Their babysitting problem is not your problem to figure out. Their kids not coming is much less stress for you. I hope you don’t feel strongly you have to cave to their whining.
NTA
AITA and childfree weddings, name a more iconic duo
NTA. You can’t please everyone, so have the wedding you want and anyone who doesn’t like it can make their own decisions whether to come or not.
“…and threatened not to come if her grandchildren were not invited…”
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
Your wedding isn’t about her wants or her grandchildren. Your cousin and her mother sound like the type who would let kids run wild and simply would not give a fuck.
Your wedding is your wedding. It’s not a family reunion.
NTA. Take their childish demands their rsvp no.
NTA. It’s your choice to keep it adults only. If family members don’t like it they can stay home. Ignore the guilt trips.
NTA it’s not your aunt’s wedding. it’s not your cousin’s wedding. It’s your wedding and you are in the right to invite or ban anyone for any reason you choose.
NTA. Go look up the thousand or so other posts like this. The only time you are an AH for planning a child free wedding is if you act ungracious when people decline due to the child free status of the wedding. No one should be pressuring you to allow children or making threats. The simple way to deal with people who are acting as if you ‘owe’ them allowing kids at your wedding is to unvite them. No arguments. No fussing. Take the “power” out of their hands by removing their supposed leverage. Just a clean, simple, you are no longer invited.
“We understand your desire to prioritize your children and grandchildren over a child-free wedding. We will miss your attendance and regretfully accept your RSVP no.”
It’s an invitation, not a court ordered summons.
I was just at a beautiful wedding, marred only by 4 or 5 little kids running around the entire time careening into people, screaming and crying. Parents? At the bar.
Accept the no gracefully. Do not explain or argue.
NTA this is your wedding.
If people decide not to come because they want to manipulate you then so be it.
NTA: Do you have a family member who could back you up? If someone contacts you to argue about it being a childfree wedding let them know the other family member will be handling those requests and refer them to that family member. Then the family member can rip them a new one and you don’t have to deal with them.
NAH. You have the right to have the type of wedding you want, and your aunt has the right to have the type of wedding she wants. When she gets married, she can make it a family event. Since you’re the one getting married and paying for the venue, you are perfectly justified in making it a nightclub. Just don’t be surprised when half your family doesn’t want to come to your nightclub. Her accusation seems irrelevant because it sounds like you don’t really want to get the whole family together; you just want to throw a party for your friends. That’s neither good nor bad. It’s simply the choice you’re making.
Someone posted this EXACT story earlier this week– the mention of the “nightclub” is pretty memorable.
You’ve chosen the type of wedding you and your partner want, and you’ve accepted that some people can’t attend. You’re paying for the wedding, so I’m not sure why you’re listening to other people chiming in to berate you.
You are allowed to set the terms for your wedding. You are NTA as long as you understand and accept that some people will decline the invitation rather than attend without their children.
NTA. You are allowed to invite whomever you like to your wedding. People who don’t agree with who you’re inviting are free to RSVP no.
I’m ambivalent about kids at weddings but it really is so annoying when people just let their kids run amuck like a pack of wild animals.
If they want a big get together where everyone in the family can attend including the children, nothing is stopping them from organizing such an event. There’s no reason why it has to be loaded onto YOUR event. They’re just ticky because if they were to organize such an event themselves, they’d actually have to pay for it, instead of being able to take advantage of something you (presumably) organized and paid for yourself.
If they don’t want to come, they don’t have to come. It’s that simple. You’re not the one who is being selfish and ruining the opportunity.
If I could have avoided having my sisters in law’s children at our wedding, I would have. NTA
“Ruining the opportunity to get the whole family together”?
These family members seem to have mistaken your wedding for a family reunion. Which is an event that they are perfectly free to plan and pay for if they want to get the whole family together.
NTA
NTA. Your wedding. Your choice.
Weddings have two social roles – one involves the celebration of the change in status of the bride and groom, and one involves celebrating the expansion of each family with the new in-law. You and your partner can of course choose to focus solely on the personal celebration (which in your case excludes the children); those of your family who see this a a family celebration as well will of course disagree that children should be excluded since they are family members, and involving children in important celebrations is a way to develop their attachment to the families and family members.
So – do what you like and accept that you’re going to upset some people. NAH – just two views of what a wedding is.
NTA, it’s your wedding, there are ways to take of kids for a few hours.
It sounds like many of your guests like the idea of your wedding being child-free.
So, if it comes to a majority vote, most people support your stance! Go ahead and have the wedding you want. NTA
NTA
Your wedding, your rules.
My friend is vegetarian and she had a vegetarian menu wedding. No meat whatsoever.
If someone doesn’t like it, they can decline.
NTA, and I wouldn’t sweat it any further.
You are perfectly entitled to not include children and they are perfectly entitled to not attend.
NTA absolutely not. Your wedding, your rules and if people can’t respect that then they can simply decline the invitation!
NAH. For me and for many people, a wedding is a celebration of the combining of two families, so excluding children feels like saying they’re not part of the family, and I think that’s what upsets people. Weddings are often the only time that extended family really sees each other if they live far away from each other, and I think it’s doubly important for kids to know who those cousins and aunts and uncles and other countries are. To be honest, if a member of my family invited me to a child-free wedding I would be offended and wouldn’t go because it would feel like if I was invited to Thanksgiving but no kids were allowed to come because in my family and in my experience weddings are family events. If a friend invited me to a child-free wedding, I don’t think I’d have feelings about it because my child isn’t a family member being excluded from what feels to me like a family event.
I think that a family celebration is kind of less and less the focus of weddings though, and this is your wedding so it’s about whatever you want it to be about. Just because traditionally it’s been a family celebration doesn’t mean you are obliged to throw a family celebration. If you are throwing a party you can invite who you want. Hell, you could say the only people allowed to come to your wedding are people that you met between your sophomore and junior year of college and that would be your prerogative. I don’t understand it but I really don’t have to because it’s not my wedding and I’m not even invited. Especially now when people are mostly paying for their own weddings instead of having them paid for by their families, do what you want.
NTA, it’s your wedding. Besides, childfree weddings are incredibly common. You can’t make everyone happy. Enjoy your special day.
Who ever comes, comes. If they’re going to have lack of understanding, they can stay home. A wedding is not a place for children. No toys, no entertainment leads to boredom and them getting into trouble: screaming, grabbing the cake, running around annoying people, tripping on the veil, everything bad. Parents let them run around, no discipline. Terrible.
NTA. Childfree weddings are very common. Refusing to get a sitter for ONE day is ridiculous.
NTA. I think child free weddings are dumb and exclusionary. Why wouldn’t you want your entire family and community to be there? But it’s your wedding, your choice.
NTA. I love big family weddings with tons of kids running around. But that isn’t what you wanted. Entitled family can organize their own event for the kids to come together.
Tell aunt and cousin you’re so sorry that they won’t be able to attend and that you will miss them. If they are the type who might show up with the kids anyway, have someone designated to turn them away. You’re paying for it, you can have whatever kind of wedding you want. Don’t let entitled people make you feel bad.
NTA
Family reunions are for ” the opportunity to get the whole family together “. Not weddings. Weddings are for the couple. The kids aren’t going to be happy anyway. Stand your ground. NTA.
What they are really saying is “we want a family reunion and we want you to pay for it”. Tell them if they want a family function, they can plan a day after the wedding that they are willing to g to pay for. This is yours and your husband’s day, full stop. If people don’t come due to the no kids theme then so be it. It makes them the AH’s not you.
NTA. Your wedding is for you and not your family. You decide the atmosphere and if those people would rather hang out with their kids and grandkids they are welcome to make that decision.
“I’m so sorry to hear you won’t be joining us. We’ll miss you!”
End of conversation. NTA
NTA
It is your decision about any restrictions you put in place for your wedding and reception, be it children or pets. As long you are not rude to anyone who declines because of the restriction(s) your good.
Tell your cousin that you are excluding children (family or otherwise) who have no place at the type of reception you are having. If she doesn’t feel that she can’t attend due to this restriction, you understand and will put her down as declined. Tell your aunt the same thing.
Edit to add: your wedding is not intended to be a family reunion. It is a time to celebrate YOUR wedding with the adults in your life. In no way is it selfish.
You of course have the right to have the wedding of your dreams, but is there someone close to you who won’t be able to come, that simply has no choice? Read on if you want to hear a different perspective. My situation was an out of town family wedding. My nephew. I’m single, and there isn’t a dad in the picture, so I couldn’t leave my children with the in-laws or anything. And of course all of my family was at the wedding. I didn’t have any friends I felt comfortable asking since I would be 2 states away. I tried everything to go, even asking family that lived in the town where the wedding was being held to help me find a sitter so I could have at least attended for a short time and leave the kids at the hotel with a sitter. No one would help. I finally realized no one cared if I was there, so I didn’t go and I feel like my relationship with them has never recovered. Anyhow, thanks for reading.
NTA but there will be some people who cannot come. It is not that they don’t want to but because they don’t have childcare. Everything is okay. Your aunt is wrong.
NTA. This might be biased by the fact I had a child-free (well mostly) wedding. While I don’t buy into the notion of the “It’s my day and everyone must yield to my whims” cohort, I do buy into that the bride and groom can set the parameters for their wedding. If it comes down to it, the reality is that by inviting the 8yo you see on Christmas and Thanksgiving you are being denied the ability to invite a friend you see weekly or an old college friend you keep in touch with via [insert social media/phone/text] whose as excited about you getting married as your adult family members should be.
NOTE: By ‘mostly’ child free, we did include flower girl / ring bearer. Will also add that I was not invited to my older sister’s reception when I was a teenager. Somehow I became the babysitter for a handful of kids. I was annoyed at being voluntold to be free babysitter but never thought twice about being excluded.