Going to keep this short, however for context I (F19) am the eldest sibling to 3 siblings, (M17), (F9), (F7). I am very involved in my siblings lives even after moving out to live with my grandparents about a year ago (for space reasons).
I make consistent efforts to take out my sisters, of course mainly because I enjoy it but to try and provide my parents with a bit of space at home sometimes, especially my mum. I took them out today, they played at my house and we watched some films, for around 4 hours. Our mum is away on a work trip and I knew there could be some extra help done.
I was mindful they had school and didn’t have anything to cook them for dinner so said it was probably best dad cooks them dinner as there’s something to offer, so I’d take them home. I was wary of the time too so I took them back. My F9 sister began to cry as she wanted dinner, but I assured her nicely that her dad was making her dinner and she can come again whenever she wants (as I see them multiple times a week)
When bringing them home, my dad is angry because my sister is crying (which I have no control over her reactions) and says there was no point even taking my sisters out for the afternoon. He accused me of having plans and ditching them to go out (which I do not have any plans tonight) and called me self-centred and selfish. I obviously defended myself here; saying how I am the only sibling that makes a real effort into helping my parents out with childcare (sometimes staying overnight so they can do weekends away, or spending my full day with them) with no complaints. My brother does absolutely nothing in comparison to me, which is fine but I told him there’s a clear double standard. I told him if he didn’t like who I was as an individual he doesn’t need to uphold a relationship with me, and that he had complained about my personality for years now (how I was too much of a certain thing).
I just feel very upset with his repeated behaviour of my childcare habits never being good enough, even though they have free childcare whenever. But I understand it may be frustrating for my sister to come back upset and crying. Regardless, AITA?
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Going to keep this short, however for context I am the eldest sibling to 3 siblings, (M17), (F9), (F7). I am very involved in my siblings lives even after moving out to live with my grandparents about a year ago (for space reasons).
I make consistent efforts to take out my sisters, of course mainly because I enjoy it but to try and provide my parents with a bit of space at home sometimes, especially my mum. I took them out today, they played at my house and we watched some films, for around 4 hours. Our mum is away on a work trip and I knew there could be some extra help done.
I was mindful they had school and didn’t have anything to cook them for dinner so said it was probably best dad cooks them dinner as there’s something to offer, so I’d take them home. I was wary of the time too so I took them back. My F9 sister began to cry as she wanted dinner, but I assured her nicely that her dad was making her dinner and she can come again whenever she wants (as I see them multiple times a week)
When bringing them home, my dad is angry because my sister is crying (which I have no control over her reactions) and says there was no point even taking my sisters out for the afternoon. He accused me of having plans and ditching them to go out (which I do not have any plans tonight) and called me self-centred and selfish. I obviously defended myself here; saying how I am the only sibling that makes a real effort into helping my parents out with childcare (sometimes staying overnight so they can do weekends away, or spending my full day with them) with no complaints. My brother does absolutely nothing in comparison to me, which is fine but I told him there’s a clear double standard. I told him if he didn’t like who I was as an individual he doesn’t need to uphold a relationship with me, and that he had complained about my personality for years now (how I was too much of a certain thing).
I just feel very upset with his repeated behaviour of my childcare habits never being good enough, even though they have free childcare whenever. But I understand it may be frustrating for my sister to come back upset and crying. Regardless, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Well I responded to my dad and argued back, telling him how I didn’t want to maintain a relationship with him if he was going to complain about my childcare help.
2. Makes me the asshole as a am just as bad for responding in an extreme manner too instead of ignoring. I also could have planned better ahead for the childcare
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your siblings aren’t your responsibility. Tell your father to man up and take care of his own kids himself instead of being a asshole.
NTA. You’re helping him and parentifying yourself and he can’t get it together to thank you.
That’s messed up. It’s not your responsibility to be a parent to his kids.
NTA. “Dad, you can say ‘Thanks for helping with your sisters’, or say nothing at all. But if you criticize me one more time for the heinous crime of helping you and being a good brother, my free assistance will come to an immediate end. How we proceed from there will be entirely on YOU.”
Nta
NTA
Tell your dad that he needs to start giving you money to take your sisters out if he wants to make sure they get fed dinner or he can make it himself. Don’t punish your sisters for your dad’s selfishness and refusal to do the bare minimum of what the law requires he do for the children he has.
NTA.
“Is my sister crying because she doesn’t want me to go? Or is she crying because she doesn’t want to be home with you? Think about your answer, Dad , and let me know which one is harder for you to deal with.”
You gave up 4 hours of your day to help and your dad still blew up? That’s not on you. Kids cry, that doesn’t erase the effort you put in
NTA because why is he treating you like you’re a third parent with equal responsibility?? but curious whether you gave your dad a heads up that you were bringing them home and they were expecting dinner
NTA
Time to tell your dad that he can pay a babysitter if he wants childcare going forward
NTA
It sounds like your dad doesn’t really want to be a parent, and expects you to do everything if your mom isn’t there, then criticizes and berates you when he actually has to do a small amount of parenting.
You don’t give many details, but it also seems he’s been verbally abusive towards you for a very long time. He sounds self-absorbed and possibly misogynistic, since he clearly expects nothing of your brother (who also should not be parentified, but the contrast is illuminating.)
If you’re never gone to therapy, perhaps you might want to look into that, to have another perspective. When you’re raised in an abusive environment, you often don’t realize it. You don’t say much about your mom, but your dad sounds pretty awful.
You don’t owe them ANY childcare AT ALL. That’s their responsibility as parents to parent the children they chose to have, and it seems they haven’t parented YOU in a kind and loving way, they have instead used you as a babysitter for your siblings. This is not okay.
NTA
That’s wonderful that you help out with childcare for your siblings on behalf of your parents but even better to keep such a close relationship with your siblings. Your father needs to know that the younger ones are going to cry sometimes and that’s just the way it goes. I think he’s taking you for granted And needs a a very firm reminder probably frequently of all that you do for him and your mother to help out with the little ones. I don’t know how firm you’ll need to be short of knocking him over the head because he sounds pretty misogynistic but keep telling him.
NTA. You’re dad is a bum and is trying to put his responsibilities as a parent on to you.
NTA. Your father isn’t being a good parent. You’re amazing and he doesn’t appreciate it. That’s on him.