Trigger warning and some depressing background that I wanted to warn people about to start off with.
Okay, so, when I (17f) was 7 my mom gave birth to my little sister. My parents had IVF to have her because they struggled with secondary infertility and tried for four years to have my sister before getting help. My mom was so looking forward to my sister but after she was born she struggled, like a lot. Like think of crying all the time and changing and being so distant and down kind of changes. When my sister was 8 months old my mom had an attempt that failed and because of how she did it, it left her with brain damage and other problems that meant she was no longer the same person anymore. She’s in a home where nurses give her care 24/7.
My dad divorced mom after he found out she’d never get better. He was reluctant to let us go to see her but I fought for that. I stepped up to help raise my sister and I wanted her to always know mom loved us and she was just sick when everything happened. I never want my sister to feel like it’s her fault or to hate mom for doing it. Dad was always fine with me being more like a parent than a regular sister.
Three years ago my dad got married again. His wife has a daughter, my stepsister, the same age as my sister. My dad and his wife were like since I’m so good with my sister I’ll be so good with both and both can turn to me. But I don’t fill that role for my stepsister and I don’t even really try to be her sister. I don’t see her as the little sister like I do my actual sister. I try to be nice to her. But she’s annoying.
Honestly both of them are. Both my sister and stepsister annoy me at times but when my sister annoys me I deal with it on my own but when my stepsister does it I tell her mom. That’s started to annoy them because they say they can tell I don’t have the same patience with her that I do with my sister and that’s true. It’s also true though they never say it out loud that I only love my sister and not my stepsister too.
My sister and stepsister aren’t close. My stepsister wants my attention more than she wants my sister to be her friend or sister. And my sister has friends her own age for friend stuff and me for sisterly/motherly stuff. She got her period not too long ago and she came to me and I talked her through that stuff. It really annoyed my dad’s wife because she told me to have the same talk with her daughter and I refused.
The other day my stepsister was bugging me while I was studying and I went and told her mom. Her mom told me to deal with it and show some love for the second little sister in my life. She asked me why I had so much patience for one and not the other and I told her because my sister is my little sister and my love for her can help me through the annoying times. When I said nothing more my dad’s wife told me I was a nasty little b-word and she had me sit down with her and dad later that night where she told me that I admitted to favoritism and only loving one and she told me my lack of sisterhood with her daughter showed me as someone unworthy of being a sibling at all. And they lectured me about how wrong I am and stuff. I checked out and didn’t hear most of it. But they told me I should be ashamed for being willing to do more and be more for one over the other.
AITA?
Comments
NTA and I am sorry you have to deal with this. Your dad should be protecting you and your sister.
NTA
While I do think u could be nicer to ur stepsister it’s not up to u to take care of her that’s up to her parents. Them expecting u to parent her is messed up, they need to take responsibility for their child instead of blaming u. Also, ur step mom is kind of… rude and crazy(?) She’s calling a 17 yo girl a b for telling them that their daughter isn’t letting op study. Ur doing a great job and u seem very responsible, try to escape (with ur sister) ur step mom and dad they seem messed up. Don’t give up. Also when they’re talking about favoritism ye, u like ur sister more because she ur SISTER. We all support u gl!
NTA. You have been through the heavy stuff; I can hardly imagine a teen being through all this. You took over a position that no child ought to take and you did so with love, it does not mean that you are necessarily supposed to extend the love to yet another person simply because that is demanded of you as an adult
NTA.
Your stepsister is not your sister. She’s just the daughter of your father’s wife. Maybe he pushed his wife to marry hom promising that her daughter would have a big did, but he’s the one who lied.
He chose her, you didn’t. She’s basically a stranger living under your roof, you’re not related, blodd or anything, you owe her nothing, just respect IF she’s respectful.
Asking you to do the same thing for both of the girls is like asking you to give the same Xmas gift to your sibling and a random kid at school that’s not even your friend.
Your dad is delulu.
NTA, your stepmother needs to be raising her own daughter, you took over raising your sister out of nessecity and you really shouldn’t have had to do that but your dad needs to step up and start being a parent and get his wife to be a parent as well.
Your dad’s wife wanted you, a minor, to explain to her daughter, about periods. She is trying to get you to ”parent” her child. It is unfortunate, given the circumstances, that you have had to step up for your sister, but that should not mean you should be responsible for “parenting” your dad’s wife child as well. NTA
Your father and his wife expects too much from you in shot amount of time. Forcing a bond always backfires. You did nothing wrong. They are being unreasonable. Also I would be so done with your father’s wife after calling you n*sty little b. And your father should be ashamed for letting her. Ignore them. Let them be the parents. You are a child and it’s enough you stepped in as a parent for your little sister.
First of all I am very sorry about your mom. And I am very sorry that you had to deal with divorce in the most critical teen age. I had the same experience my parents divorced when I was 15-16 year old.
About all you wrote it’s natural to feel more connected to your real sister and I can only commend you about your intellect and understanding at your age. Also destiny as always is cruel from one side but generous on the other.
That your real mother had brain damage and changed. I pray she gets better and defeat the illness.
About your stepmom addressing you like that, little b.. it is on her conscience. That only shows her deficiency being responsible grown adult and failing to show you the same thing she asks of you – patience, and dealing with problems with conversation and understanding.
So you just keep studying and give your best to be examplary older sister for both of your little sisters. They will grow past their current annoyance very fast.
😇
You are neither of the asshole, or not the asshole. You just are, you’re still learning you’re still adjusting you’re still moving forward.
I’m 47 years old, I have two children and three step children. My stepchildren all have the same father, he is in complete loser.
As a stepdad, I always wanted to be be seen as just their dad. Not as a step dad, or a fake dad (the kids would refer to their stepmom as fake mom – because both their dad and stepmom forced the kids to call her mom referred to her as their mother and other shit like that from even before they got married) The kids all have no problem calling me dave, because that’s who I am but it was always a little sense of Pride when they would call me dad which they did quite often I spoke to the girls asked them if they wanted me to correct them when they did that or if they wanted me to just let it go and they told me to just let it go. I’m even that touched my heart and just made me feel a little better.
And the point of telling you that is even as a step whatever… step siblings step parents step cousin instead of forcing the relationship, you got to let it occur naturally, but at the same time you can’t force it to not have the relationship either.
As a parent and stepparent I can see how a sibling would be different, but sometimes you got to let your guard down a little bit. From my perspective and seems like you’re keeping your guard up a little bit too high and trying to prevent that from happening. And your dad and stepmom are wrong for trying to force that on you.
Again you are neither of the asshole or not the asshole you just got to let things occur naturally. Do not try to prevent them but don’t try to force them either.
And I’m very sorry to hear about your mother. Mental health can be a bitch and do bad things to good people. I’m glad you know that your mother loved and still loves both you and your sister and what she did had nothing to do with either you or your sister it was her own internal demons.
NO, tell your idiot step-mother that her daughter HAS A MOTHER, and YOU are not it. Your sister had to lose her mother for you to take over, and that’s the only way you’ll take over raising HER kid as well. That ought to shut her the F up.
NTA. Sounds like your stepsister needs to chill. You’ve been carrying a serious weight since you were young—loving your sister doesn’t make you a bad person. Family dynamics can be messy, and you’re not here to force a bond that isn’t there.
Your Dad & Stepmother are idiots, of course you’re not going to treat a child you’ve known for 3 years as one you’ve basically helped raise for the past 10 years. That bond you formed with your sister as a baby and developed through the years is going to be so much stronger than one with a child you met at age 7 and been forced to develop over 3 years. In fact, they are weakening it by creating a situation that could cause resentment.
I think it’s more like your Step Mom is annoyed you don’t take some of her motherly duties off her, she wanted a quieter life.
NTA. Your stepsister is just that–a step. Of course, you’re going to be closer to a little girl you have helped raise. Your dad’s wife is just bitter because she imagined and then tried to force a family dynamic that just isn’t happening. I’m sorry your dad’s not defending you, but he seems pretty checked out anyway.
NTA you’ve had years to bond with your sister. They can’t expect you to have that same bond with your stepsister
NTA. They are idiots. Of course you are closer to your sister. You have helped to raise her.
Updateme
INFO: Do you have grandparents or other relatives who could/would take you and your sister?
First off it’s not sisterhood she wants you to show and do. It’s parenthood. You’ve stepped up to parent your younger sister and she wants you to parent her kid too so she doesn’t have to. Next time she tries to make you do this call her on it. Tell her parenting her child is her job. You cover your moms cause she isn’t capable of it but she is capable so do her own job. NTA
So stepmom.
Do YOU love me or my sister the same as you love your bio kid?
The same-same ? not how you treat us or if you like us but the true depth of your love?
That’s the answer to why I don’t feel the same about them.
One is annoying but I was there for her since birth.
She and I went through some deep shit together.
She and I have a relationship we built over our entire life.
The other one is an annoying girl,
That you think deserves me to instantly fall in love with her, I didn’t.
We have no bond, I’m not nor should I be her parental figure to her, unless you are volunteering to be incapacitated like my mom to create the same base to compare.
We have a 10 year age gap and I have my own life to live and I really not Feeling like investing time on a girl I have nothing in common with .
And if I treated her like I treated my sister instead of coming to you to solve the problem You would also not like it and she would not respond like you think she would.
She barely accepts No or rejection well now.
Other sister knows when no is a hard line to retreat and regroup, she gets the hint or she deals with it.
NTA But your Dad’s wife is, and so is he for not having your back! The adults here should understand the difference in your relationship with both girls. Like Duh, your sister has been in your life from day one and stepsister for a few years. Add to the fact that stepmother is actually present and available for her child! Her calling you a “B” was uncalled for and cruel. She was hoping you’d take on parenting for her also, and then she and your Dad could go do their own thing.
I would have checked out too!
Regardless of blood (that means nothing to some families) or marriage, the difference between your sister and your step sister is that you were there from day one, you watched, helped and nurtured her to grow up into the girl she is now. Your step sister is a stranger thats been forced on you
If your parents hadn’t forced her onto you then you may have actually slowly grown a connection and relationship with her, the fact that they are expecting, pushing and demanding that it has to be this way is only going to cause resentment for you and the step sister and also ensure you no longer speak to your father once you’re out of the home.
NTA. You’ve got a lot on your plate already, and it’s not your job to mother someone else’s kid. It’s okay to have different feelings about your biological sister versus a stepsister you didn’t choose. Prioritize your mental health, not their expectations.