Hello, I am 18F and my sister 12F has been complaining of body aches for a week now–she says all of her legs hurt in different places at different times + back hurts + head hurts, with ears getting blocked + hands as well. It really seems like her whole body is nothing but a ball of pain. How I help her walk is that I let her put her arm around my shoulders, while her available arm grips onto my arm. It seems to genuinely hurt her to stand, and she starts flopping even while trying to stand straight without support.
The issue seems to be that sometimes she says that it hurts to simply lift her leg on the bed, whereas other times she does that without issue, and also twists in her sleep. (My father saw this through the camera– she was moving around throughout her sleep.)
We went to the doctor finally today, and he also seemed to agree that there was nothing too wrong. No arthritis in the blood report, nothing obviously wrong. He is my father’s friend, I think?
All this, and her general upbeat nature when she is sitting and playing with our cousin, has solidified our family’s belief in the fact that she is faking. They think that the idea that she will get hurt and fall down is making her not put effort into trying to walk, and me being beside her ready to help is not helping.
My father in particular has said all sorts of hurtful things, such as how she is faking to get attention from ME, that it’s 2001% my fault, etc. He also did this very frustrating thing where he mocked the way that my sister screams when she tries to walk. (She scrunches up her face and screams “ahhh” or “ooh” when it hurts, and sometimes my father just laughs? Once he held a cane and imitated the noises, saying “omg i am hurting so bad” while laughing.)
I really don’t want to leave her alone in the room with my parents only, I think they have been very frustrating in this situation, as described above, but not leaving when they tell me to seems to just get added to my laundry list of flaws in this situation. I did leave once, when she first complained, and I returned to her crying and asking me why I abandoned her. It breaks my hurt to see her like this. She cries very often due to how much it hurts, due to not feeling stable when I try to make her hold me in a way my parents and relatives think is better. It seems like if I follow their instructions, I am betraying my sister. But I don’t want to stunt her or hurt her, especially when the doctor also said her to just put in more effort to walk. Am I the asshole?
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Hello, I am 18F and my sister 12F has been complaining of body aches for a week now–she says all of her legs hurt in different places at different times + back hurts + head hurts, with ears getting blocked + hands as well. It really seems like her whole body is nothing but a ball of pain. How I help her walk is that I let her put her arm around my shoulders, while her available arm grips onto my arm. It seems to genuinely hurt her to stand, and she starts flopping even while trying to stand straight without hurt.
The issue seems to be that sometimes she says that it hurts to simply lift her leg on the bed, whereas other times she does that without issue, and also twists in her sleep. (My father saw this through the camera– she was moving around throughout her sleep.)
We went to the doctor finally today, and he also seemed to agree that there was nothing too wrong. No arthritis in the blood report, nothing obviously wrong. He is my father’s friend, I think?
All this, and her general upbeat nature when she is sitting and playing with our cousin, has solidified our family’s belief in the fact that she is faking. They think that the idea that she will get hurt and fall down is making her not put effort into trying to walk, and me being beside her ready to help is not helping.
My father in particular has said all sorts of hurtful things, such as how she is faking to get attention from ME, that it’s 2001% my fault, etc. He also did this very frustrating thing where he mocked the way that my sister screams when she tries to walk. (She scrunches up her face and screams “ahhh” or “ooh” when it hurts, and sometimes my father just laughs? Once he held a cane and imitated the noises, saying “omg i am hurting so bad” while laughing.)
I really don’t want to leave her alone in the room with my parents only, I think they have been very frustrating in this situation, as described above, but not leaving when they tell me to seems to just get added to my laundry list of flaws in this situation. I did leave once, when she first complained, and I returned to her crying and asking me why I abandoned her. It breaks my hurt to see her like this. She cries very often due to how much it hurts, due to not feeling stable when I try to make her hold me in a way my parents and relatives think is better. It seems like if I follow their instructions, I am betraying my sister. But I don’t want to stunt her or hurt her, especially when the doctor also said her to just put in more effort to walk. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hi. 1) I want to know whether I am an asshole for helping my sister walk when everyone in my family thinks that might be making it harder for her to recover. 2) Because it might be stunting her ability to recover, and is also causing a rift and foul mood in our family.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Do you think your sister might have hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (hEDS)? Sometimes people with this condition are fine and can walk perfectly, but other days they might struggle to get out of bed because their ligaments hurt so badly.
I recommend bringing this up with your doctor.
NTA, and from the spouse of a chronically ill person, thank you for being the person to listen to her and believe her. you have no idea how many people are ignored and mocked by their medical team, not taken seriously, written off as being “anxious” etc.
could she be faking it? sure, that’s always a possibility. and if so, that’ll sort itself out down the road.
you’re a good sister.
NTA
She could also be having growing pains or starting puberty at this age. My son is around this age and he as days it hurts for him to walk and he will be completely fine the next day. Get her to a doctor that isn’t related/attached to your family and get a second opinion. At this age she should be able to start having conversations with doctors about her body without a parent present if she wishes.
Edited to add NTA verdict.
My grandson used to miss a lot of school because he claimed his legs hurt. My daughter took him to the doctor, who examined him and insisted there was nothing wrong with him. Still, his complaints persisted. One day, he said he couldn’t get out of bed because it hurt too much to walk. Daughter looked at him and saw nothing out of the usual. But, she decided to take him back to the doctor. This time, they ran blood tests, which suggested juvenile arthritis. Further testing came back negative, though.
About a month later, he, again, insisted he couldn’t get out of bed. This time, though, his feet were swelled up. She took him to a different doctor, who diagnosed him with CRMO. He is now in remission, although they say he will likely get it again. Methotrexate did the trick for him. He was 11 when diagnosed. Don’t give up on your sister. Sometimes, kids will pretend to have ailments as a cry for attention. But sometimes, it’s CRMO. My grandson is now more prone to broken bones.
NTA. Either your sister needs medical help for a physical condition, or she needs medical help for whatever she’s going through that us causing her to “fake” a physical condition.
NTA. Doctors aren’t gods. They don’t always find a diagnosis. Keep searching for a solution. You are doing right by your sister.
I wouldn’t deal with her. She’s twelve years old. She needs someone to take care of her throughout the day.
Do you have a job? I think this should be a priority. Are you going to college? I also think this should be a priority.
I’m unsure of what’s happening but I would talk to a behavioral specialist or someone that’s dealt with this sort of issue before. I have no idea if a child is capable of lying about their pain for this long without people noticing it’s a farce.
You omitted what’s wrong with her. There’s no way someone can feel that much pain throughout their life without something being seriously wrong.
It sounds like a condition.
Perhaps it’s personal to her. Please remember to focus on yourself. Yes help your sister but make sure your things are getting done too.
That’s what I’m concerned about.
Does she have a history of faking / lying?
The only way you would be an AH is if you’re knowingly helping her fake an illness. NTA
But did I read correctly that your dad filmed her sleeping? Is that normal parental behavior now?
NTA – Any decent parents would be seeking a second opinion, a third opinion, as many as it takes to get to the root of the issue here. If she doesn’t have a history of lying pathologically for attention, then I don’t see why she would be here. Is getting attention from her brother really worth being unable to fully enjoy outings or fun events? To most kids, it wouldn’t be.
Also, I’m assuming there was a camera in your sister’s bedroom just the once to observe how she slept, right? That’s not a regular thing?
Ultimately, you’re the only one in your family who is willing to hear your sister and give her the support she needs. She’s experiencing chronic pain at such a young age, and this is something that really needs to be figured out now before the new school year starts. Going untreated with something like this could seriously negatively affect her education.
You’re NTA. Your parents are huge assholes. She needs to see a better doctor.
Not a doctor but My first thought was fibromyalgia which is a chronic disorder but tough to diagnose and probably wouldn’t even be considered in a 12 year old. Google it – Mayo Clinic has a good overview. Good luck and continue to advocate for her.
How about suggesting that if she’s “faking it” so badly that she get therapy? Because if she is faking it, there’s a reason behind it. A cry for attention would be doing it once or twice. Saying she is in pain for this long suggests either she’s telling the truth, or that something is badly wrong in your sister’s life.
Either way, a child therapist might be able to get to root of the problem, and get real help for her, whether it is medical or emotional help she needs.
You are NTA for supporting your sister.
Good luck to you both, OP.
NTA
Just for the hell of it, have her tested for Lyme’s.
NTA. She need to see a Dr who is not a family friend. She needs to see that person with neither of your parents in the room, because she may not be able to be honest with them there and they may be ‘poisoning’ the Dr by minimizing her symptoms. She may need referral to a specialist. Juvenile onset Arthritis is not the first or only possible cause of these issues. Just to name a few did they consider Lyme disease> Lupus? Fibromyalgia? Chronic fatigue syndrome? Leukemia? ankylosing spondylitis? For that matter did they test for multiple kinds of Arthritis (Rheumatoid, osteoarthritis, psoriatic arthristis). What about vitamin deficiencies like B12, C D?
I’m not a doctor, but has she seen a rheumatologist. She could have fibromyalgia. If you can look up the symptoms.
Why is there a camera in your 12 year old sister’s bedroom?
Hey, ehm, has she been checked for MS?
NTA and ty for believing her.
NTA.
There can be two possibilities.
One. There is something wrong medical. She needs your help too find out what. One visite to one doctor, who is told by the parents they dont think anything is not the best medical care.
Two. She is faking it. But doing it for so long. There is mentally something wrong. Why she needs this attention.
NTA. Chronic illnesses and chronic pain fluctuate and can be different everyday. I have nerve damage and some days I can hold a pencil and feed myself. Other days I can’t grip anything. My family still doesn’t get how it affects me and I have a diagnosis. I would let your sister know that it’s normal with illnesses and pain to be able to do one thing some day and not be able to do it another.
I was gaslight for years and I’m an adult. I thought I was over reacting and lying or maybe crazy. I can’t imagine being a kid and being shamed that’s hard as hell. Drs are not perfect. I don’t have a single healthy friend who was diagnosed immediately. They were all told it was mental health or anxiety by drs. Most of them took years to get a diagnosis and multiple drs and specialist. I follow disabled content creators and they all have pretty much the same sorry as me and my friends of being told they were lying and healthy.
Please let your sister know.
I really think you need to find a way to get her seen by a real doctor. Men tend to just wave off women’s complaints. There are so many stories of women spending years trying to figure out what’s wrong with them.
She needs a pediatrician who is familiar with rheumatologic disorders. Your family does not seem to be able to step back and ask themselves what might be causing the symptoms. Btw, a camera inside a young woman’s room is not appropriate. If there is a school nurse I would try to talk to her. Dismissing her concerns so cavalierly doesn’t help the situation. It just makes her feel like she has no value or voice. It may be nothing but it still should be investigated. NTA
NTA. Girls and women are frequently dismissed in health care as exaggerating medical problems. Illnesses can cause good days and bad days, so just because sometimes she seems better does not mean she is not truly ill. And some illnesses can be difficult to diagnose so just because one doctor doesn’t have the answer doesn’t mean something isn’t wrong. The way everyone is treating her when she is clearly in pain is disgraceful and you should continue to advocate for your sister.
NTA thank you for believing her. She needs to a different doctor for a second opinion. She needs to see a specialist.
I have a rare pain disorder. You’re a good sister. Your parents are abusing and neglecting her medically.
NTA. I was a kid that had no older siblings and immense body pain all the time. no one ever believed me. no one got me tested for anything. everyone including my parents always said i was being dramatic… now im 25 years old and working towards an hEDS diagnosis. Thank you for believing her. She has at least One person believing her, which imo would have helped me as a kid with the mental part of it all.
Also, even if your parents are right and shes faking (which i personally dont think is the case) then obviously something is wrong if shes faking having constant pain. Something that probably needs to be checked out. but again i dont think shes faking. Shes a 12 year old. if it was just for attention she wouldnt have kept it up this long, especially since shes getting Bad attention from her whole family about it.
One doctor appointment and One round of testing is Not enough to say shes faking. If you want to try helping, Keep doing research into her symptoms and asking her questions. Maybe suggest another doctor appointment and ask for specific testing.
Is you sister growing quickly? When I was that age I had severe growing pains. Not every day, not always in the same place. I grew 16 cm (~ 6.3 inches) in one year.