Me(32M) and my husband(33M) got married 5 months ago. And I have been very careful not to tell my parents.
Growing up, my mom and dad weren’t really accepting about the whole LGBTQ+ community. And they were very open about that. Making jokes about being gay and just mocking it completely. When I was 16, my mom told me “It was okay for me to be Gay.” (Which was weird, because I never did anything for her to think I am.) I thought she finally changed, and thought it was fine, but literally a few days later at a family dinner, the jokes started coming again. That gave me so many mixed signals. She says she would support me, but then mocks it a few days later. I decided not to come out.
When I moved out around the age of 22, I kept small contact with my parents. I shot a message every 2-3 days and once a week we would call and chat a bit on how new life was going. Through the years this kind of died down to 2 phone calls a month and sometimes texting. (Ofcourse I did invite them to my birthday and I talked to them at family events.) It was untill I turned 24 I fell in love with my now husband, and I decided not to tell my parents. Which starts going into territory where I might be the a-hole. I kept the relationship a secret. When I invited them over my ‘boyfriend’ would come another day. They only saw him once on accident when I went to the store with him and they were in my city one day. I told them he was a friend of mine and we were planning a surprise party. Which they believed.
Now, I married 5 months ago. I didn’t invite anyone from my family besides my sister(37). I told her I was gay when I started having a relationship, because I had a great connection with her through childhood. The wedding went well, I had just told my parents I was on holliday for a few weeks. It wasn’t untill a month ago that my sister had told me when I was planning to tell my parents. I hadn’t thought of that. She told me I couldn’t hide it forever, and should maybe slowly start telling them. I just said no. Very blunt. Which might have been a bit rude on my part. Now my now MIL also chipped in, saying it was an a-hole move for me to not tell my parents I was married.
So, AITA for hiding my Gay marriage from my homophobic parents? Should I tell them?
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Me(32M) and my husband(33M) got married 5 months ago. And I have been very careful not to tell my parents.
Growing up, my mom and dad weren’t really accepting about the whole LGBTQ+ community. And they were very open about that. Making jokes about being gay and just mocking it completely. When I was 16, my mom told me “It was okay for me to be Gay.” (Which was weird, because I never did anything for her to think I am.) I thought she finally changed, and thought it was fine, but literally a few days later at a family dinner, the jokes started coming again. That gave me so many mixed signals. She says she would support me, but then mocks it a few days later. I decided not to come out.
When I moved out around the age of 22, I kept small contact with my parents. I shot a message every 2-3 days and once a week we would call and chat a bit on how new life was going. Through the years this kind of died down to 2 phone calls a month and sometimes texting. (Ofcourse I did invite them to my birthday and I talked to them at family events.) It was untill I turned 24 I fell in love with my now husband, and I decided not to tell my parents. Which starts going into territory where I might be the a-hole. I kept the relationship a secret. When I invited them over my ‘boyfriend’ would come another day. They only saw him once on accident when I went to the store with him and they were in my city one day. I told them he was a friend of mine and we were planning a surprise party. Which they believed.
Now, I married 5 months ago. I didn’t invite anyone from my family besides my sister(37). I told her I was gay when I started having a relationship, because I had a great connection with her through childhood. The wedding went well, I had just told my parents I was on holliday for a few weeks. It wasn’t untill a month ago that my sister had told me when I was planning to tell my parents. I hadn’t thought of that. She told me I couldn’t hide it forever, and should maybe slowly start telling them. I just said no. Very blunt. Which might have been a bit rude on my part. Now my now MIL also chipped in, saying it was an a-hole move for me to not tell my parents I was married.
So, AITA for hiding my Gay marriage from my homophobic parents? Should I tell them?
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> (1) Not telling my parents about my marriage (2) Multiple people urged me to tell them, and I refused.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I mean, you’re doing this to protect your peace, I’d say nta.
NTA. You protected yourself from a homophobic environment that your own parents created.
NTA it’s your choice and your choice alone
NTA, but you have to realize that you will inevitably have to make a choice between hiding a HUGE part of your life in order to have what is already a minimal relationship with your parents or coming out and probably having to cut them out entirely. This shell game can only go on for so long, and they WILL find out one way or the other eventually. Better it be on your terms than not.
NTA
But this is not going to go well in the long run. Someone will tell at some point, potentially without even knowing that it is a secret.
NTA. I am not out to most of my family so I get what you might be going through. But by telling your sister you’ve involved her in your lie and the more people involved the more likely it is for the truth to get out. If you can hide it forever, go for it. But how realistic is it that your marriage is going to stay hidden forever?
I mean NTA, it’s your life, but you’d be happier if you just told them, and if shit goes down, well maybe you’re better off without them?
NTA.
What does your husband say about this? He might be the one your hurt the most by hiding your relationship. But if he understands and it’s happy to be your “friend” if they meet again, then you do you.
Soft YTA- you’ve excluded your parents from a huge part of your life because (guessing here) you’re scared of their reaction- but that has just hurt them and you over the years because you’re not sharing a huge part of your life with them.
When you’re out to the world, please include your parents. Who knows how supporting they might have been, had you given them the chance? Open the box, the cat is either dead or alive.
Congrats on getting married
NTA. Their actions have consequences. Entirely of their own doing for not creating a space where you feel safe to come out. You do what’s right for you when it’s right for you.
And congratulations on your wedding!
No, you’re not an AH at all, but here’s the problem – if you are absolutely certain that this can be kept from your parents for their lifetime, then do what makes you most comfortable. But if there is a chance they will find out, I think it’s better that it comes from you. After that, they can accept the marriage or not. Who knows? It might be the thing that changes their view about LGBTQ.
NTA
Oh, I’m so sorry.
I suspect what’s going on is that your parents believe they’re queer accepting and think that it’s “just jokes” and stupidly don’t realize how hurtful they’re being. But it’s possible that they’re actually homophobic but want the social kudos of claiming to be accepting.
Hopefully – if you told your mother why you never came out to her, she would be deeply apologetic.
Unfortunately – it’s possible that they’re homophobic and would give you lip service about “being accepting” while making you the butt of the jokes and treating your husband poorly.
Honestly, I think you should come out just to rip the bandaid off.
I think that’s the real reason you haven’t come out. You haven’t been prepared to face the fact your parents can’t support you, and you’ve clung to the shreds of keeping them around because maybe, maybe they’d be really good when you finally came out – whereas if they react the way you fear, you’ll have to accept who they are and cut ties for good.
And I think it’s time to face that.
Either they can love and support you for who you are – or you shouldn’t have them in your life.
You’re making a new family with your husband. Stop dragging around dead weight.
NTA
INFO:
Does your sister have a close relationship with your parents? Does she know if they have changed their minds about LGBTQ+ relationships/community?
18 years is a long time and people might have new thoughts/opinions about it. They might not. If their feelings haven’t changed, yeah do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your life.
You aren’t the AH in anyway, hateful people don’t deserve a place in your life. But just be sure they haven’t changed by asking your sister.
Your parents showed you repeatedly that they weren’t safe people for you to trust with this information. Has anything changed on their side? On yours?
NTA. You don’t owe anybody information about you when they’ve mocked other people like you.
Your life, your choices. Only you and your partner are the ones that count. People do have there opinions but that’s not your problem is it? Not on your side? Move on, people wil come and go in your live but you come alone to this place and you wil leave it alone. Don’t ruin your live with people that are not worth it.
NTA. You don’t have to tell them if you don’t want to.
I’m 36 and had a similar story. I finally told my parents about my now fiancé 2 years within us dating. It actually went better than I thought considering our past.
I guess my question is how does your husband feel about your parents not knowing about him or you having to lie?
NTA. Some people might think you are, but those people don’t matter. Only you matter. LGBTQ+ people don’t always know how those conversations are going to go down. And you have valid evidence to assume it will go negatively. I’m sure they will be angry or hurt if you eventually tell them, but that doesn’t make you an asshole. It should appall them that you were ever scared to invite them to your wedding.
I didn’t tell anyone in my family when I married my wife for the exact same reason. My brother was the only attendee. Some of my family members were miffed that they didn’t get an invite, but I did not want my parents showing up to make a raucous and so I kept it secret. That’s my prerogative. If you wanted to elope, people would be mad but that’s your prerogative. Tell your parents in your own time, or don’t, but you are not an a-hole.
NTA, but this will blow up far more than if you had told them right away or soon after dating. You tried to keep a foot in two worlds, and it’s gone so far now that you’re bound to take a big fall on your ass at some point. To be clear, your parents’ behavior sucks. They suck for that. They shouldn’t have made you feel unsafe to be yourself, and they should have tried harder to know you and embrace your life and loved ones. But now you’re going to be delivering them the double blow of 1) you’re gay and haven’t told them for years, and 2) you’re married already because you truly didn’t trust they’d be able to be happy for you. The first one would have been hard enough, even for a family that is trying to unlearn harmful beliefs (which it doesn’t seem like they are), but the second thing makes it unlikely this won’t turn into a huge, terrible, dramatic fight when you eventually are found out. I wish you luck, but I think you should tell them and be prepared to go no contact. It’s horrible they put you in this position, but you owe yourself and your husband a life without the stress of this looming over you.
Do you want a relationship with them? I told my mum thinking that she would disown me and I was ok with that.
She didn’t disown me and is actually relatively supportive and loves my boyfriend
NTA. Your well being is the most important thing here as well as your husband’s feelings about being hidden. That said, your mom saying it’s ok for you to be gay seemingly out of nowhere makes me wonder if she’s more perceptive than you think. You might be taking great pains to hide something they already know.
INFO: Did you ever attempt to communicate with your parents about how hurtful their language and jokes were? Do you think they would reject your relationship or be hurtful towards you about it? How does your partner feel about being hidden? Aside from them making jokes during your adolescence, is there any indication that they are currently bigoted against the LGBT+ community?
You have every right to protect your peace, obviously, and NTA for that, but I’m wondering whether your long-term plan is to just cut them out entirely of this huge part of your life.
This answer depends on two things. Is your husband ok with being a secret until your parents die or are you ready to possibly have no relationship with your parents? What if something happened to you and you needed help? You’re married and your husband would be the one that was contacted. Not them. Imagine your parent’s reaction to finding out that they were not on your contact list first. Imagine finding out that they have no legal rights to make health decisions for you. These are two very serious things to consider. Life can change in an instant. Are you prepared for those things is the real question.
NTA. It’s frankly all too common that wishy washy seeming parents are full-blown bigots. You don’t need that strife in your relationship.
A mom randomly telling their teenage son it’s ok if he’s gay? And then you’ve never shown up with a gf? Yeah they definitely know.
As an adult you should not be afraid of your parents. Be your true self love.
Very slight YTA. Only because you haven’t given them the chance to show you who they are. The homophobic jokes are messed up and I see why you were not comfortable when you were younger but you’re a grown man now and your parents cant harm you in the same way as when you were young. If you love them and want to improve the relationship I think you should tell them. Who knows maybe they became more accepting and your relationship can build and/or improve. Congrats on your marriage though!
NTA, but you really need to deal with this, IMO. You’re disrespecting yourself and your husband by keeping up this pretense, and I’m not sure you’ve asked yourself what you get out of having people in your life you have to be fundamentally dishonest with.
You’re married. One assumes you believe it to have a long lifespan. It’s never going to be easier than it is today to tell them, and it will be harder. And if you do it 5 years from now, the natural question’s going to be “You’ve been married for five years, you’ve been with him for 13, why did you lie to us?”
Is it possible or probable that this will cause a temporary or permanent break in relations? Yes. Prepare yourself for that possibility.
I don’t think it’s sustainable. Do you hope to keep it a secret until they die? It could be another 20-30 years. What will you do if your parents come visit unexpectedly? Are you going to ask your husband to go to a hotel? Isn’t this offensive for him? You hide him like he is a dirty secret. You are in your 30s for crying out loud, are you still afraid of their reaction? The more you keep this secret, the harder it will be to tell them. There are only 5 months now, but what about 5 years? Or 10? “Mom, Dad, I got married 10 years ago, just fyi.” Ridiculous. I understand not inviting them to the wedding, in case they made a spectacle of it, but now? Just toss the coins and let them fall as they may. They might surprise you in a good(ish) way. Or not. But you will then be free to live your life completely in the open, as it should be. YTA in my opinion, for lack of courage and respect for your husband.
ESH (except your sister)
your parents are obviously shitty. Won’t go into that
your sister is cool. She kept your trust and secret and supports you as much as she can. True hero.
now here’s you. I would be extremely hurt to be with someone who refuses to stand by me. Pretending someone is just a friend because you are afraid of your parents? You are 32, not 16. They can’t kick you out or anything else. You live your own life and still decide to make it a prison to your shitty parents.
Take him from someone who lost the relation ship with his parents about this exact topic: if you lose your parents because youre gay, you never had parents to begin with. It’s rough but you’ll never be able to live freely when you’re living a lie.
Edit: no judgement about the husband. Dont know anything about that
Tell your parents but warn then that the minute you hear one homophobic comment you will go no contact. If they can’t support you 100% they don’t get to be in your life. They don’t have to like it or understand but they have to respect your decision and keep their opinion to themselves when they are in you or your husband’s company.
You’re NTA but why not just tell them and let the chips fall where they may? If they can’t accept it, so be it. You’re better off without them.
Keeping this kind of secret is a huge burden on you and your sister.
The most important thing is how you both (you and your husband) feel about living in secrecy. If you’re both ok with it than NTA. That being said, I don’t think many straight kids hear “it’s ok to be gay” from their parents. And I think mom either knows or at least suspicious about your sexual orientation.
Also you can’t hide your relationship forever. It’s not like you gonna live with your “friend” for 20 years. You’d have to address it sooner or later.
YTA – this is untenable because you want nothing to change. You are putting your loved ones in the position of covering for you…forever? Does your husband get booted from the home whenever family that isn’t your sister turns up or always ‘this is my friend’ if ever you’re bumped into?
I get it, you’re not in a great position and being uncomfortable sucks but life is full of this uncomfortable shit and while you play the Good Son for mom & dad that is in my opinion the equivalent of taking a dump on your partner. If you keep in with them for an inheritance reason you’d suck for that too.
Just cut them out already, you know how it’s going to go down and I feel bad for your husband
NTA and imo anyone saying otherwise probably aren’t gay. You can’t know what it’s like to dear coming out to family unless you’ve been in the position and it is brutal! I used to cry at night at the thought my grandpa would find out as he’s the family member that raised me but he was so homophonic I feared he’d abandon me which I just couldn’t cope with. It’s a real thing that really does happen and LGBTQ+ people know that.
NTA. If your family isn’t safe to tell, then they’re not safe to tell.
But your sister is in a bad spot. She, presumably, still talks to your parents. Other people in your life know. What if someone slips? Not malicious, not knowing, just someone referencing your husband in front of your parents. Maybe you run into them while you’re catching up with a friend. Maybe your sister is distracted and says something that implies you’re in a serious relationship. Or you get hurt and your husband turns up to make decisions for you.
The countdown is on, time is absolutely running out for you. It’s time to make a decision. You tell them and deal with the fallout (of your decisions and their bigotry), you tell them and cut them out, you cut them out without telling them, or whatever else you want. But you can’t hide this forever.
NTA.
No, don’t tell them.
Why do you need extra drama in your life?
I don’t want to say y t a because it’s normal to want to get along with your parents and homophobia is awful, but this isn’t fair.
It’s not fair to you to feel like you need to hide your husband from them.
It’s not fair to your husband to have to hide from them.
It’s not fair to your sister to feel caught in the middle.
You know your situation best and I’m assuming you’re honest with your husband about it all, so nta, but you’re going to hurt people.
I doubt your husband wants to hide from your parents forever, and I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want to be shoved into the closet
I don’t see this working out at all.
Is anyone involved on social media? Because the algorithms will try to connect people, I mean FB keeps suggesting I friend my 16 year old’s boyfriend’s parents (her reaction was hilarious), and both my kids’s friends and their parents show up on my social media platforms.
Your parents could be hurt when they realize you’ve been hiding a whole husband from them. I’m not defending the jokes, but they’re unfortunately common in a lot of circles and aren’t even thought of as homophobia by many (again, not defending the prejudices embedded in a lot of society, but it’s there).
Obviously you’ve been hurt by them and are afraid of being hurt worse, I’m not on their side, but being in contact with them as much as you are and not telling them about something this big isn’t going to end well at all.
You’ve also involved your sister. Assuming she has a decent relationship with them, she could easily slip at some point.
If you don’t feel comfortable telling them, then don’t. It sounds like they wouldn’t understand.
It is an AH move but mostly to your partner idc about your parents. I wouldn’t feel safe or secure in a relationship where someone was hiding it or ashamed of me. I wouldn’t have married you before you put your big boy pants on and told them. Your husband should be worth that to you. You need to either go no contact with them entirely and live an honest life that way or tell them the truth. At your age you should be standing up to your parents and setting boundaries and I seriously feel a person who can’t yet do this has no business marrying anyone because you are still emotionally a fetus. Your poor husband.
I would say slight YTA. You’re not really giving your parents a chance. Who knows how they would react. If they love you, they would accept it and hopefully be supportive. Also, how does your husband feel about it? I would feel a little sting if you are hiding our marriage from them but maybe he’s ok with it.
YTA. This isn’t a hs bf when you’re a teenager. You are an adult, married, and independent. From what you said, you’ve never actually given your family a chance. You never came out to them, and from the sound of it, you don’t exactly have a very close relationship with anyone but your sister. The biggest issue now is that you aren’t saying, “hey, I’m gay, your jokes aren’t cool, please knock it off.” Instead, this is, “btw, I’ve been hiding an important part of my life for over a decade. I’m married. I didn’t trust you.”
If you’re in a country where it’s illegal to be gay, I can understand keeping your marriage a secret still.
If you’re in a country where it’s legal to be gay, why haven’t you told your parents? You’re an adult and presumably no longer dependent on your parents financially.
If they react negatively, well they are barely in your life now as it is.
But maybe they have changed and will be happy to know your husband and to know more about your life.
Are you afraid of being written out of an inheritance? Like, what’s the reason to not tell them now?