I (21F) was at my boyfriend’s (24M) apartment earlier today and making us lunch while he was gaming with his friends online. He has this alarm that reminds him to move his car (to avoid parking tickets, I don’t know if this is just a European thing)
The alarm kept going off every few minutes, really loud, and he kept ignoring it. After the 6th time, I went and stood in front of the TV and told him to either turn off the phone or actually go move the car (I can’t drive btw).
As I walked back to the kitchen, I heard him say “I’ll be back. This b**ch is getting on my nerves.”
I’ve never had anyone call me like that. I walked right back over, slapped him, then yelled that we were supposed to have time together, not him gaming and calling me a slur.
He didn’t say anything, just went into the bathroom and started blasting music on his phone. I turned off the stove and went back to my place. That was about four hours ago. We haven’t messaged or spoken since.
He is my first boyfriend so I really don’t know what to do. Was I the asshole? My dad always raised me to never take crap from people, but that was more about school bullies.
Comments
YTA. Sticks and stones and all that.
ESH, yes he began it with insulting and you ended it with violence. Toxic relationship
Shouldn’t have slapped him. You put yourself in a position where now you’re in the wrong regardless of what he did. Break up with him
You are NTA for reacting, but you ATA for slapping him. He called you a slur, you physically assaulted him. You both showed each other incredible disrespect.
Calling you that was wild and straight-up disrespectful. First bf or not, you don’t deserve that. Slapping wasn’t ideal, but his behavior kinda lit the match. Big red flag energy.
ESH
Toxic immaturity by both of you.
Hitting is never ok. Don’t do that.
YTA hard stop. He’s also the AH. But physically assaulting someone is never acceptable, EVER. Repeat that a few thousand times, and then leave your boyfriend who thought it was okay to call you a bitch.
ESH. Dump him, you deserve better. Edited cause yes, she was wrong too
He was wrong to refer you by a slur but you were worse by physically abusing him.
He called you a bitch while you were cooking for him. You slapped the wrong end
ESH. What he said was incredibly disrespectful and degrading, but slapping someone is crossing a line too. Violence and assault isn’t the answer, even when you’re hurt
ESH.
Him for calling you a b under his breath.
You for physically assaulting him. You could have just told him off and left.
YTA
You’re justified in feeling angry but there is a right and wrong way to express anger and you choose to be violent and justify yourself like a domestic abuser.
Physical abuse is never ok. Just break up like a normal adult
[deleted]
Thats domestic abuse. Yes, you are the asshole.
I bet they will live together forever
Relax and get a different boyfriend.
ESH… toxic relationship
DUMP HIM and get a life. YOU need to learn to drive. Someone this day and age especially should know how to drive. Why are you allowing yourself TO BE DEPENDANT ON OTHERS LIKE THIS????? You should not have laid hands on this guy. You are like a petulant child and need to grow up. Learn from this relationship and become independent on YOUR OWN.
You are totally the asshole! Your first response to being called a bitch is to slap him?? That is border lining on being abusive! What if the roles were reversed, would you be ok with him hitting you over a bad word?
Don‘t accept disrespect but don’t end up being the abusive one. ESH
ESH,
Your boyfriend sucks because he shouldn’t call you names and ignore you.
Also you also suck just because your father taught you like that doesn’t mean it is the right choice. When someone disrespects you violence it is not the solution.
Slapping as an answer makes you an abusive asshole in return.
You should learn to answer without violence and demand respect from your partner with using your words and standing up for yourself by communicating and sharing your feelings towards your partner.
It wasn’t okay to slap him. I’d be fully on your side if you’d have yelled at him instead, but hitting is a big no no.
YTA. If the genders were reversed everyone would be calling for the removal of his bloodline. He was also awful, but you should have just left and dumped him.
ESH. He’s an emotional abuser. You just committed physical abuse. He was definitely a dick for saying what he did, but that’s not grounds for hitting someone.
YTA That’s a thing they do in the movies, but assault in real life. Disrespect does not justify violence in return. That said, he’s a jerk, you deserve better. Break up and move on.
YTA
You need to learn what self control looks like. You don’t like being called names? Then dump him like a functioning adult.
The only thing you proved is that you’re just as gross as he is.
YTA- if roles were reversed you would have called the cops.
hes a better man than me for his reaction. you’re an asshole
He verbally attacked you and did so in front of people. He’s an AH
However, you then escalated with physical assault. So you’re both in the wrong. That doesn’t mean you stay in the relationship. Apologize for hitting, but end it with the guy okay talking about you that way. Don’t hit someone again unless it’s self defense.
Anyone excusing the slap should be prepared to excuse him when he slaps her. OP needs to learn to curb her anger and also needs to decide if this is the kind of person she wants as a boyfriend. Personally anyone who slaps me would be out the door.
YTA, you should have broken up with him
ESH, you don’t get to hit people when you’re upset, that’s toddler shit. He obviously sucks for what he said
ESH your boyfriend is wrong for expressing anger through slurs, but physical assault is NEVER okay. I think you should be the first to apologize here.
Be thankful he walked away. And a gamer is not for you. End that relationship and move on.
You were one of two assholes.
So, in your world, there ARE good reasons to hit a spouse/partner?
Good luck with that. YTA
The equivalent would have been you calling him an asshole. Instead you walked up to him and physically assaulted him. If rolls were reversed you called him an asshole then he slapped you. How do you think you would react? You are both to immature to be in relationship at this point.
You have every right to be angry at being called that. You don’t have the right to hit someone. To be honest it sounds like this one has reached its course though.
NTA you need a new BF. You really want to put up with that long term?
NTA. He could’ve muted himself. He could’ve acknowledged the alarm. He could’ve appreciated you making lunch. Instead, he chose to call you a slur to his friends like a middle schooler trying to act tough. That slap was a reaction, not aggression. Get out while you’re still early in the dating game.
ESH. He shouldn’t have called you that, but you shouldn’t have assaulted him. Ultimately if this went to court, he wouldn’t really get in a lot of trouble for calling you a derogatory name but you’d get in trouble for physically assaulting him.
You don’t lay hands on other people. The only exception would be to defend yourself from a physical attack. Otherwise don’t touch.
He has no business talking about you in that way. That’s something you talk about. Not hit about.
You committed domestic violence, you should go to jail. He wasn’t wrong, you were being a bitch.
Never taking crap from people means walking away and stop utilizing them or having a relationship with them if they don’t respect you. I don’t think that’s what you did. He was being an inconsiderate ass and called you an undeserved name that you should definitely not put up with. You put your hands on him. YTA.
Jail
ESH, we get taught in KINDERGARTEN not to hit people. Yes he should not have said that but do you really think slapping him would make him think you’re any less of one? If this is how you responded you need to take a big long look at yourself, is this the type is person you want to be? Is this the type of person you want to be with?
YTA.
Physical abuse is not ok just because he called you a bitch. It’s never ok to hit your partner. Just because you’re a woman does not excuse abusive behavior.
Imagine if he pissed you off and you called him an asshole. Would it be alright for him to hit you then? Just because he was taught not to tolerate any disrespect? Absolutely not.
YTA. It’s never okay to just slap someone.
Leave this relationship!
YTA for behaving like a fucking toddler and going full on assault over it.
[ Removed by Reddit ]
You are def the AH! Why would you hit him?!?! 😵💫 yeh it’s annoying but not annoying enough to excuse violence. Get help and do better!
Everybody’s the a-hole this time. However, the context of the post shows that the dynamic in the relationship is quite toxic. I’m suspicious that you are both mutually abusive; with bf’s pattern being emotional/verbal and yours being verbal/physical. At the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself. My advice would be to end the relationship and get some serious professional help for why this happened on your end of it.
NTA. He is. If all he can do is game, he is worth nothing to you. My son is 19 and he is this exact same way. He’s rude and mistreats his GF when he’s gaming which is CONSTANTLY. And if he’s calling you slurs to his friends then you need to dump him now. He clearly has no respect for you or for what you’re trying to build with him. I’d say you two are not compatible.
Ooh, maybe he can marry his gaming console?! I hear you can do that these days.
NTA. Don’t hit him anymore. He is BF material.
Bullying isn’t confined to school. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be your boyfriend.
ESH. You already know you shouldn’t have hit him. You can apologize for that and let him know that you lost your temper and you were wrong to react that way.
Then there’s a separate conversation about what he said.
When guys are playing with their friends online it’s not unusual for them to use words/phrases they wouldnt typically use in real life to sound more “manly.” It makes you wonder how often that happens for it to roll of the tongue so naturally.
If you hadn’t hit him the conversation would have been easier because you would have been in the right.
Probably would have been better If you had just left the apartment and let the alarm continue to go off and he can get a ticket. Can’t control anyone else but yourself.
YTA for hitting him, but you’re NTA for reacting. That man doesn’t like you, and it just comes out in front of his friends. If he loved you, he wouldn’t talk about you like that.
I’d just not talk to him anymore. I’m glad you don’t live together. Walk away and don’t slap someone again.
Maybe you two should not date
YTA
Bf’s language wasn’t ok but you assaulted him. This is a crime.
If you’d called him an AH and he hit you who do you think the AH would be?
You need to appologise, grow up and sort out your anger management.
If he ignores the alarm he’ll get a ticket.
If the alarm annoys you, leave.
What you did was seriously. A partner hitting should always be a deal breaker – he would be in the right if he never got in contact with you again.
I like how calmly everyone is reacting to domestic violence and saying she was justified because he referred to her as a b*tch. If she called him a dick and he stuck her in the face, you all would be telling her to go to the police and get him sent to prison.
YTA
Guaranteed if you called him an AH, and he slapped you, you’d call it domestic violence. Well, guess what? He is a victim of domestic violence, and you are the perpetrator.
Without reading the details….you are the AH for striking anyone unless in self defense.
Sorry YTA. Just because you don’t like what someone says to you, doesn’t give you the right to smack them. Imagine it were reversed and you called him an asshole and he slapped you. That would turn into a whole different situation even though it’s the same thing.
YTA, you don’t physically assault people.
YTA. Are we excusing domestic violence here on Reddit now? Very unreddit of all you ESH folks here.
Let this one go…he is NOT a keeper.
YTA. For hitting him,
But you are not ….for reacting.
Move on from him and finds some one who’s not immature enough to try and impress his mates this way and treats you with respect.
Control that temper its never ok to use physical force.
your father would be proud you didnt accept it. If he doesnt grovel to get you back then just move on to the next one. People make mistakes but they also show you who they are. Unlike others here I dont really view a single slap from a woman as violence… it’s more a show of not allowing disrespect (in the context of a disrespectful partner) and was once an accepted mechanism in society for policing overaggressive sexual behaviour or abuse.
YTA. Assaulting someone just because they called you a bitch isn’t ok.
[removed]
So your response to getting called a name was committing assault? Apparently you have deeper issues to work on that you think that’s okay, it’s disproportionate to his action. If he had slapped you everyone would be calling for his head. He needs to leave you and you need to grow up. Not taking crap from people does not equate to physical violence. You’re 21 not 12 be an adult and leave the relationship.
Is he by any chance autistic? Not trying to be rude, I live in a care center for autistic people so I sure as hell cant be insulting over that haha
He sounds either autistic, or like someone toxic. If hes just autistic, talk to him and lay it out flat and clear. Tell him he cant say those things about you. What he jokingly says with his friends is one thing, but this wasnt said jokingly and it was also not while with friends without you since you were right there.
If he isnt autistic, find a new boyfriend, you deserve better
YTA big time
Cause if a man wrote this you’d be getting destroyed, absolutely destroyed
recognize and realize that being a woman doesn’t give you a pass to hit people. Next man you hit might stomp you out big time, it’s time to really stop that shit
People don’t know the difference between “and” and “but”. 2 things can be true.
ESH because you were both abusive in the situation. He’s not better positioned because he didn’t put hands on you. Abuse is abuse is abuse.
You definitely should’ve just walked out.
Just send homie a text “I’m sorry for being abusive in response to abuse. I shouldn’t have done that. I apologize. And also we’re over because I should’ve done that instead.”
NTA…he’s a jerk and calling you a bitch opens the door to all sorts of things but hopefully one of those things is you realizing you are not aligned and you leave him. Slapping him was too much, imo. It’s a loss of temper and he doesn’t deserve your passion.
YTA. This is known as domestic violence. Time for anger management classes.
NTA for being upset but YTA for sure for hitting him. I understand being called something like that is horrible but it definitely doesn’t justify hitting your boyfriend.
ESH
He sucks for the sexist slur.
You suck because physical violence is never ok except in self defense
If a man ever talked to me or about me that way I wouldn’t think twice about leaving for good.
OP, he was ignoring you and you were making him food? Please see your worth and expect more from a relationship.
You need to be single. And an anger management course.
Both immediately.
YTA
YTA and he is, too. You should have just left. Don’t put your hands on a man unless in self-defense and don’t ever let a man disrespect you (calling you out of your name). You don’t spend time with a man that calls you that or who you put hands on! I was your age the 1st-time a b.f. punched me (i threw his CD out the window) and I have a floater in my eye from him socking me, still.
Your BF sounds like a real loser. Yeah, you shouldn’t have slapped him but, if you were there to spend time together and he looked at you like an inconvenience taking away from his time gaming rather than being with you, then this man-child needs to grow up and be a little less self absorbed. Also, referring to you as a bitch gives you a pretty good indication that he is garbage and you can do better.
Find someone else who values you more than a freaking game. In the future if something like this ever happens again, just walk out and leave the next SOB that treats you that way. No man that loves their partner does what he did.
NTA…..mostly…….Violence is never the answer. He’s definitely an immature asshole though, Don’t go back to him.
YTA. Bitch is not a slur, and he shouldn’t have called you that, but you don’t escalate the situation by putting your hands on someone!!! If the roles were reversed, we’d all be telling you to gtf away from him. You hit him & you can’t unring that bell! Learn from this & do better. Don’t assault any more of your partners!!
You assaulted him and could and possibly should go to jail if he wanted to put you there. So take that as you will
Is it possible he meant the alarm was the bitch getting on his nerves??
Wtf are you putting hands on someone like that for.
Stupid bitchhhhhh 😂
YTA. You physically assaulted him. He’s in the wrong for calling you what he did but you physically reacted. You both just made your relationship a huge toxic mess if it wasn’t already.
ESH, break up
YTA. He called you a bad name. (Which isn’t good and shouldn’t stand)
You committed domestic violence.
Imagine if the roles were reversed here
ESH. You guys shook all just leave this relationship before it gets worse
ETAH, he insulted you after a reasonable request, you threw hands. You’re heading for an abusive relationship, get out now.
It is NEVER ok to hit someone. As an exercise, reverse your sexes and reread your post. Learn from this, but don’t tolerate a boy treating you like this. That is not ok.
YTA
He is an AH. But … So are you. You hit your partner. Break up and seek help. Figure out why you reacted that way and don’t let it happen again.
Domestic violence is never okay. Be better.
ESH. Time to end this relationship. He has no respect for you and physical violence is never appropriate by either party. What he said was BS, but the better response would have been along the lines of “we’re done”, leave, and block his number. The 100% complete refusal to communicate with him would have been a better lesson to him and you would have kept the high ground.
Easy. Break up with him. A man should never speak to you like this. Especially over something as petty as moving the car or turning off an alarm.
A Russian woman would tell you good job he deserved it. But. Nah you can’t be hitting people lol. If you called him an ass and he smacked you we would be telling you to break up with him. Hitting is not acceptable. He’s awful for acting that way that was so uncalled for. I would have left and thrown his lunch in the trash.
You’re both in the wrong. Him for calling you that. You for slapping him.
You should have just turned off the stove, and left without saying a word. Text him that this relationship is over, then blocked him on your phone.
You are the AH. Please picture the situation but switch places with him. Would it be reasonable for him to hit you after you calling him a name?
He’s no saint either, though pulling himself from the situation so he didn’t respond with violence is a smart move. You should be measuring the toxicity of your relationship with this person to decide if he is worth the time and effort.
Please work on yourself to dial that back a bit.
NTA but definitely break up with him.
He should probably report you for the domestic abuse
NTA
your behavior & reaction was appropriate. Good for you!! Don’t put up with treatment like that ever in your life.
End it with this guy he does not appreciate you.
You can’t hit people unless it’s self-defense.
Take this as a data point that the relationship is over.
If you are triggered enough to use violence, you need to walk away from the relationship.
He was being a dingleberry, though. Regardless, it’s not OK to hit dingleberries.
Both are AH. Insults and the such are toxic and immature. Violence is worse.
You are way outa order for lifting your hands to him
ESH Why are you together? And you resorting to physical violence is worse than him calling you a b.
You should just let him get the ticket. Put on noise canceling headphones if there is a next time. You should both move on.
YTA You shouldn’t have slapped him. What you should have done is walked right off after he called you a name. Dump him. A real man wouldn’t speak to you that way.
Maturity varies with males in their 20’s. Looks like you need to throw this one back in the oven. He’s not quite there yet.
Better to dump him than hit him, OP. Hitting him only getsypu in trouble, dumping him gets him out of your life.
YTA. I completely understand why you’re upset, but I don’t think violence is okay “as long as you’re mad enough” though. There are ways to “not take crap from people” without violence. End the relationship, it will be best for both of you.
You need to learn this now, and never forget it- you DO NOT have the right to put your hands on another human being, unless you are defending yourself from a physical attack. How entitled and emotionally immature to think that you can slap someone because you didn’t like what he said. You’re lucky he didn’t hit you back, as you deserved. If a guy calls you a name, you dump his pathetic ass. You don’t commit domestic violence.
Dump him
Use words.
Also not with him.
Both of you did wrong, but keeping in mind this is your first relationship, I think it’s a bit harsh of people saying you should break up or that it’s a toxic relationship.
Me as a person coming from an abusive household, I didn’t know how to properly regulate my emotions and anger. There had been times where me and my bf would get into fights and I’d slap him across the face or throw a plushy at him. There had been times where he had hit the wall next to my head or push me into a corner.
My point is, we both don’t know how to deal with each other at the beginning. For some people it easy, for some it’s not so easy…
We’ve been together for five years and now our “fights” are just simply talking and trying to understand one another. I still sometimes need to cool down before talking, because we have a no yelling rule and he knows to step out when I’m silent or I’ll start yelling😅 You can fix this! Talk about it. Apologise. Stuff like this happens. The most important thing is to communicate and find a way around this, so that it doesn’t happen again!
Standing up for yourself isn’t hitting. The appropriate response would have been to also call him a name. Physical violence is never okay in a relationship.
ESH
ESH not taking crap from someone doesn’t mean you assault them. You both need to grow up.
NTA leave him on read if he does message you. He is being a jerk. Hitting him was not the best choice but you definitely are right to set a strong boundary with a partner calling you names. You are better off without a guy who will ignore you when you were supposed to spend time together.
i think YTA—but that doesnt mean you’re a bad person, just because you reacted in a way that wasn’t helpful or okay. it’s understandable to feel hurt or shocked being called that word. but physical violence crosses a line, especially in relationships.
the whole situation sounds like it escalated really fast. instead of confronting it with a slap, it might’ve helped to calmly check in with him first, like ‘hey, your alarm’s gone off a few times—are you planning to move your car?’ if he still ignored it, that’s his problem and his ticket. the insult came from his frustration, which you unfortunately helped fuel by demanding rather than asking.
you deserve respect, no question. but you also need to give it, even in tense moments. hopefully you two can talk things through when you’ve both cooled down.
thats a better way to reword my previous comment— i apologize if it came across confusing before.