AITA
First post. Just need some clarity because I feel crazy over this situation.
My bff since high school has unfortunately lost a child in a very traumatic way. Due to state laws she had to carry a terminally ill child. I won’t elaborate more as it is not anyones business but important for context. I understand how severely she is grieving and while I’ll never understand fully I wanna be there for her.
It’s been some time (3mos) since this has happened to the “incident.”
I found out I was pregnant and we were speaking about it. We both came to the understanding that she wouldn’t always be able to discuss my pregnancy. We were on the phone and she brought up genetic testing and I told her that unless ultrasounds or my doctor had concerns I wouldn’t be going for genetic testing. At this point I hadn’t even spoken to a doctor yet and I didn’t even know what testing there was out there. And my friend also went that route. She hung up very abruptly.
A day later I received a nasty text from her. Her basically already telling me I’m going to be a bad mom, that she doesn’t support my ignorant approach, that she can’t stand by while I mishandle and mismanage my pregnancy because she unfortunately found something wrong in scans and she would have done anything to have known sooner.
I took some time to think about my reply but basically I told her that while I understand her grief and how much she is going through that she cannot speak to me that way and that I’ll be making my decisions based on medical advice by my doctor. I also said that I hope she can find someone professional to talk to.
No reply from her since. But that hasn’t stopped the flood of pointed social media posts about how I can’t respect her boundaries and that I’m a jerk because how could I be so awful while she’s grieving.
This whole thing is making me feel crazy. Like she seriously hurt my feelings and all I did was reiterate that she can’t speak to me like that and I held my boundaries. She always puts in a boundary with everyone that’s upset/wronged her but I do it and now I’m awful. I just love her and want her to be okay and I want us to be okay too.
Some outside thoughts would be nice. Thanks.
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AITA
First post. Just need some clarity because I feel crazy over this situation.
My bff since high school has unfortunately lost a child in a very traumatic way. Due to state laws she had to carry a terminally ill child. I won’t elaborate more as it is not anyones business but important for context. I understand how severely she is grieving and while I’ll never understand fully I wanna be there for her.
It’s been some time (3mos) since this has happened to the “incident.”
I found out I was pregnant and we were speaking about it. We both came to the understanding that she wouldn’t always be able to discuss my pregnancy. We were on the phone and she brought up genetic testing and I told her that unless ultrasounds or my doctor had concerns I wouldn’t be going for genetic testing. At this point I hadn’t even spoken to a doctor yet and I didn’t even know what testing there was out there. And my friend also went that route. She hung up very abruptly.
A day later I received a nasty text from her. Her basically already telling me I’m going to be a bad mom, that she doesn’t support my ignorant approach, that she can’t stand by while I mishandle and mismanage my pregnancy because she unfortunately found something wrong in scans and she would have done anything to have known sooner.
I took some time to think about my reply but basically I told her that while I understand her grief and how much she is going through that she cannot speak to me that way and that I’ll be making my decisions based on medical advice by my doctor. I also said that I hope she can find someone professional to talk to.
No reply from her since. But that hasn’t stopped the flood of pointed social media posts about how I can’t respect her boundaries and that I’m a jerk because how could I be so awful while she’s grieving.
This whole thing is making me feel crazy. Like she seriously hurt my feelings and all I did was reiterate that she can’t speak to me like that and I held my boundaries. She always puts in a boundary with everyone that’s upset/wronged her but I do it and now I’m awful. I just love her and want her to be okay and I want us to be okay too.
Some outside thoughts would be nice. Thanks.
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NTA. Her grief does not give her the right to lash out at you for expressing that you will only get genetic testing if your doctor sees a need to. I understand where your friend is coming from, however and genetic testing early on is honestly never a bad idea just in case so you can plan for any surprises like genetic conditions and so on.
NTA. It’s not her place to micromanage your pregnancy. I’d definitely understand her words are coming from a good place but sometimes grief makes people act uncharacteristically, and you did nothing wrong by setting a boundary. I think it could be solved by having a heart to heart with her and making it clear where you stand on this, that you weren’t trying to cross a line but this is your personal life not hers.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Setting a boundary in the face of her grief. Makes me an asshole cause she’s grieving.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.You handled this with remarkable compassion and firmness. Grief does not give someone the right to lash out, insult you, or dictate your medical decisions. You were respectful in acknowledging her pain while also setting a clear boundary: “You cannot speak to me that way.” That’s not only fair but necessary in any healthy relationship.
“I just love her and want her to be okay and I want us to be okay too.”
Your friend may never be ok. The indignity she was forced to suffer is truly disgusting and would not occur in a moral society. I think she came to you, initially, from a position of caring but her approach has been warped by what she has undergone.
That your friend was forced to suffer under cruel, misogynist, and illogical laws – laws which apply to you – should give you cause to consider both why she is so insistent and how you choose to manage your pregnancy.
Anyway, NTA, you are certainly entitled to keep your boundaries as you see fit. I am sorry about your friend and your situation with her. I hope you have a safe and healthy pregnancy.
NTA. Sounds like you did everything you could in this situation. She needs to work through some things but that’s her journey. And now you have your own that requires you to prioritize yourself. If she becomes receptive to rational conversations and you’re ready for that, then I hope y’all can find a way back to being close friends.
NTA, boundaries are limits you put on yourself. Other people can not make boundaries for you. Sorry to say, but I think this friendship has run it’s course.
NTA.
Your friend has suffered a hardship, and lost a lot. You seem to understand where she came from with the suggestion, so you handled it as best you could.
Genetic testing can be horrendously expensive, so unless the doctor actually notices something, it makes sense to not get it done arbitarily. You are already needing to figure out the costs outside of the medical sense.
You may need to give her space. Send her holiday and birthday messages and remain kind, but if she refuses to see how she’s treating you unkindly, you may need to block her temporarily.
Also, on some social media sites, you may be able to “snooze” her so that you don’t see her posts but remain connected on the site.
My first thought: what difference would it have made if she’d known sooner? Would she have chosen abortion? Is that what she’s advocating for you? Obviously I don’t know all the facts, but from where I stand that’s a massive overstepping on her part. I do have sympathy for her, but that has nothing to do with you. Friends should reflect on their responses before jumping in on this subject. I wish you all the best for your new baby!
NTA. Her grief is understandable but misdirected. You handled it well and are being loving. It’s not your fault. Congratulations on your pregnancy
NTA. Her “boundary” is making medical decisions for you about your pregnancy. She seems like she needs professional help and a lot of support and you being pregnant means you unfortunately just aren’t the person who can give that support. If you know someone she trusts/relies on that you can reach out to to express concern, I think that would be okay. But you’re not obligated to. If you want to protect her, yourself, and this friendship, the best thing for you to do is probably to just step back and give her space to heal.
Your pregnancy is seeming to give her a lot of anxiety. She’s trying to control your medical decisions. That’s not healthy for either of you. If anyone asks that’s exactly what you can tell them.
NTA. She’s projecting her grief onto you.
NAH.
Sadly, your friend is dealing with incomprehensible grief and is misplacing her hurt and anger on you. She is probably incapable of regulating her feelings , hence, the social media rage posts and personal attacks.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing really you can do. You’re experience the miracle and possibility of life as she is experiencing the darkness of death. It is unlikely that you two would be compatible in your friendship during these intense, polar opposite phases of your lives. Your friend is going to be angry and frustrated with you regardless of what you say or do.
My advise: Let your friend go off. Let her say what she wants to say and post what she wants to post. Don’t engage You’re not going to be able to maintain a friendship during this time. Maybe in a 9-12 months reach out to her and see how she’s doing, and maybe this fiasco can be something of the past.
NTA. Congratulations on your pregnancy. As you know, your friend is grieving & everyone grieves differently. There isn’t a specific time for your friend’s grief to subside. You gave great advice—speak with someone who specializes in grief counseling. You may have temporarily block your friend on social media & go no contact so you can enjoy your pregnancy.
NTA. Your friend had an unspeakable tragedy and all bets are off as far as her ability to keep her balance. You are pregnant and deserve support, calm, and joy. It makes me realize the down side of social media, which enabled her to broadcast her anger. You have every right to insist on courtesy at least and it is not your fault she could not comply.
NAH try to practice some loving kindness meditations toward her. You aren’t wrong for being upset. And it’s really frustrating how she might be taking her feelings out on you. Keep focusing on having a healthy and safe pregnancy and don’t let her actions distract you. It’s really so terrible what she went through. Hopefully she will come around in time and can be a better friend to you.
I don’t think you’re the asshole. We have a genetic disease in my family that is fatal, and the chances we might pass it on is higher than normal but still only 1/400. We could get testing done but it costs money and it’s invasive. There isn’t really a point in having the testing done. Normal ultrasound that is done around 21 weeks will be able to tell you lots about the pregnancy, and taking prenatal vitamins will also help with a lot of preventable complications. It’s your body, your pregnancy, your baby. I had a friend who chose not to get any kind of scan or test done, she had her daughter born with complications – she needed surgery on her abdomen (the baby). It would’ve been found earlier on, if she had had an ultrasound, it may have even been preventable. 🤷🏼♀️
Her grief isn’t yours to handle. She might have wished to do things differently in hind sight; but your pregnancy isn’t hers to manage. Give her time to cool down, then firmly state that you’re in control of your own choices and she can make suggestions but it’s not for her to make any decisions.
Absolutely NTA.
She’s projecting and she’s not your doctor. Scans don’t find everything, and you could potentially have every test in the world and sometimes things go wrong. Shoot, I had friends who lost their baby … very late. Like, very very late. Nothing was wrong. They did all the right things.
It sucks, but her “what’s good for me isn’t ok if you do it” means she’s also not really a friend. Your boundaries are normal and fine.
NAH. I’m not saying her behaviour is 100% right, but she is grieving, probably one of the worst things a person could go through, and that’s going to warp her view from anxiety, etc. She shouldn’t try to push her fears onto you but I’m not going to call her an asshole for being worried. You’re obviously not an asshole either because you should listen to your drs advice.
You want your friend to be OK, I understand that, but it’s only been 3 months and she will likely carry some of this pain forever. One of my besties had a few miscarriages and then a pregnancy stuck. She then went into labour at 16 weeks. She had to go through the labour knowing her baby wasn’t going to make it. It’s been a few years, she has a baby now but I know she still feels that pain. Another friend went to a scan and found out her baby at 24 weeks had died. She had to go through labour to birth a dead baby. It’s been years, she has 2 kids now and she still feels that pain.
NTA. I understand that she’s grieving but she’s being immature and disrespectful in the way that she is communicating with you, which grieving does not excuse. You have every right to proceed with your pregnancy how you see fit and you don’t have to make every decision based around someone else’s experience and sensitivities. She’s taken it too far and I would block her on social media until and unless she’s ready to have a mature conversation and apologize for the way she has treated you
If you find out about a genetic defect after it’s too late, don’t come crying to her about it.
I hope she has better friends than you.
I don’t think you should’ve had a a conversation about genetic testing with her at all. YTA unfortunately for that. I think this friendship is over