This is a burner account, and all names are fake.
I (F39) am very much NOT a kid person. I can tolerate them in small doses, but I also find them uninteresting/annoying and don’t want any of my own. I’m well aware that some find my child-unfriendliness off putting and can strategically fake it until I make it most of them time. I just prefer to avoid situations/relationships where I’m expected to interact with kids but when I can’t, I radiate “don’t talk to me” energy to deter them and will try to pawn them off/redirect them and escape.
I had the good fortune to be the baby of the family during my generation, but as my siblings and cousins started having kids, they resented me for being a “deadbeat aunt” (as one cousin put it). They kept pushing me to be involved with their kids, and I eventually snapped and told them how I felt about kids in general; afterwards, I was slowly iced out socially. I stopped trying when I was hospitalized and only 1 person even bothered to visit, or even call.
The one exception was my brother Michael (M43). He never questioned or undermined my decision. He was that one solve visitor when I was hospitalized. He never tried to force his son Adam (M18) upon me, nor did he resent that I didn’t take a serious interest in Adam until he was 14. Even when he was in the trenches in regard to parenting, he still made time to call or text, if sporadically.
In the present, Adam is the only niece/nephew that I care about. Yes, his cousins did not receive a fair opportunity to bond with me. Yes, I’m playing favorites; I’ve set up a 10K college fund, I take him out for experiences monthly, and I’ve given him some pricey gifts, while his cousins get zilch. Yes, this has caused friction in the past, but I’ve always been happy to be the bad guy. I try to be discreet (Adam has been instructed to attribute the gifts to his father and not me, and I did not tell him about the college fund until a month ago). My latest gift however, has led to a major fall out.
I live in a desirable location in a major city with a while Michael/Adam lives nearby. Adam was recently accepted to his dream school in said city, but it’s out of his budget. I offered to let him live rent-free with me, which would allow him to commute (my house is much close to campus) and thus, afford it.
The issue is my other nephew Alex was also accepted into that school, and it’s also his dream school. Alex comes from a disadvantaged background while Adam is middle class. Alex won a partial scholarship to said school, but it’s still not enough. When he heard about my offer to Adam, he asked (using Adam as an intermediary) to be included.
I refused. I’ve nothing against Alex, but I also haven’t talked to him for 15 years (not that we were ever close) and we simply don’t have an emotional connection. It would also come at a massive opportunity cost; I rent out my spare bedrooms, and I’d lose 38K in rental income (yes, this is well below market rate) over 4 years.
Most of my relatives are now in arms. They’ve given the ultimatum that either 1) I extend my offer to Alex as well 2) I rescind my offer 3) Adam rejects my offer, or they will go NC with Adam and Michael. They’re calling Adam the “golden child” (he’s an only child), say that Alex deserves my help far more, and are “tired” of my favoritism.
They’re not wrong about my favoritism, but honestly…..IDGAF (about my ex-family). Though I never blocked them or had a big fallout, we’ve been effectively NC. I value chosen family over people who happen to share my DNA and we’ve both made choices that demoted them to the latter category. I’m also of the opinions that aunts and uncles are entitled to have preferences. Furthermore, I don’t see what makes Alex more deserving; he certainly needs the help more, but that’s not my tab to pay.
Adam is in a more complicated situation. Michael is willing to support whatever Adam chooses and refuses to pressure him. Adam and Alex aren’t close, but accepting my offer would mean giving up many other familial bonds that Adam does value; rejecting it means Adam giving up on his dream school. I do feel bad that my offer is forcing Adam to choose.
EDIT: I can’t believe that I have to say this explicitly, but I DON’T HATE KIDS. They’re just not my cup of tea. You can not like something and not want to throw it into a trash compactor.
Comments
NTA
Family who iced you out for years doesn’t get to make demands about your money now.
NTA
You know and have a connection with Adam, not Alex. It’s perfectly fine to offer to Adam. While Alex’s situation sucks, you weren’t put on this Earth to make everything right for him. I say this coming from a place where I have 1 niece and 1 nephew. Nephew is a high school drop-out that bounces back and forth between his parent’s houses and spends all day playing video games and treats everyone with disrespect. Niece is a straight A student with a good head on her shoulders. Always polite and helpful. If she ever got into a college locally, I’d offer the same as you did to Adam. In contrast, I’d never allow my nephew to even spend a weekend at my home.
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Everyone is entitled to live their lives the way they want. You decided not to engage w your siblings’ kids bc it doesn’t suit you. Michael accepted that about you and kept in touch anyway. Your other siblings didn’t accept your boundaries and as a result shifted themselves and their families out of your life. That was their decision — how they saw fit to live their lives because of your boundaries.
Now that you’ve made a generous offer to the sibling who respected your boundaries, the others are up in arms. You’re NTA. That just how boundaries work, even if family members want to pretend that families shouldn’t have boundaries bc: family.
I feel for Adam though. I hope he makes the decision that is best for him and his future, but I do think he has a lot of anger and animosity coming his way. Good luck to you all.
Being in hospital really highlights how valued you are to the people in your life. Only one of your siblings was there for you and didn’t push their children onto you so it’s understandable how close you are.
The rest of your family are really showing their true colours, threatening to isolate Adam is unforgivable because he has done nothing wrong. I notice the rest of the family aren’t chipping in to help Alex – so why is it all on you?
NTA other than your brother and Alex, the rest of the family are AHs.
NTA
While I can understand your other nephew is upset…. you arn’t close to him and it’s your house. Not talking to someone for 15 years and then expecting to be allowed to live with them is just super entitled on his end.
Your relatives can offer to pay for Alex’s accommodation while he is attending college since they believe he is entitled to free housing. Problem solved.
Alex wanted a massive favour from you – free housing, but neither he nor his parents took the trouble to approach you directly and politely. Their entitlement is unreal, using Adam as an intermediary.
NTA, Adam should accept your offer and attend the college of his choice. He will make new friends in college and going low/no contact with your relatives, in the long run is not a loss. Your relatives are more interested in asserting control over you, Adam and Michael. If Adam and Michael give in to their ultimatum now, you can be assured there will be more ultimatums issued on other matters in future.
NTA. I mean, I feel bad for Alex and was fully brainstorming ways you could maybe make it work (split the rent between Alex and Adam instead of offering rent free? It at least shows willing). At the end of the day though I feel bad for a lot of people who aren’t getting what they want, I still don’t invite someone who is basically an unknown quantity to live with me for four years. What if they are a nightmare!? Plus whoever you currently rent to probably doesn’t deserve to be kicked out.
As it is, Adam wouldn’t have to make the choice if you hadn’t made the offer…he just wouldn’t have been able to go. Now he gets to work out what is best for him… Your family do seem remarkably shitty so a
free rent ride through college seems like coming out ahead to me, but maybe they have very hidden qualities when not demanding money and favors like a
toothless mafia Don?
You’re technically right but YTA IMO. How are you surpsied your family stopped being interested in seeing you when you told them you hated their kids. Apparently they were supposed to basically have an entirely separate kid-free relationship with you?
It is time for Adam to learn to take education opportunity over family complaints if he knows what’s good for him.
NTA
WTF? There’s no such thing as a “deadbeat aunt” because YOU DON’T OWE ANYONE ANYTHING. You don’t have kids, therefore you’re not a deadbeat ANYTHING!!! Tell whoever says that to fuck right off.
You can spend your money however you see fit. If they feel so strongly about Alex being more deserving of your help, then they should help him. JFC that’s not your problem. Shame on them for trying to ruin an opportunity for Adam!
NTA. Please sit down with Adam and Michael so the two of you can explain everything to him. It is not fair that they are going to ostracize him for saying yes go your offer. Because of that, he needs to know the truth in the event it does happen and, hopefully, understand that they are taking the issues they have with you out on him. At least this way if he says yes, he knows the ‘why’ behind their possible behavior. And, I’d probably take Alex out of have a phone call and explain it to him too because he too is of age to understand what relationships can get you, or how the lack of relationships can close doors/opportunities.
NTA. You seem to have accepted the relationship you have with your family, and they need to accept your feelings, too. Bottom line, you’re close to Adam, and you’re not to Alex. It’s not really all that different than a friend asking you for a huge favor vs. an acquaintance. The ultimatum that your (ex) family has given Adam is gross and unfair, but ultimately, it’s up to him. Personally, I’d pick my dream school over a bunch of entitled AHs any day.
I also don’t like kids in large doses. Many people feel the same.
And only one family member accepted your feelings and kept in touch. They can all kick rocks. You are doing something nice for the only family members who didn’t judge you and ice you out. Your house, your life, your decisions. Play favourites to the ones who’ve supported you and don’t worry about the ones who didn’t. It’s sad Alex isn’t as lucky as Adam, but that’s on his parents not you.
I agree with you. I absolutely play favorites. If the child is polite, gets good grades or tries to, tries to be self sufficient, I absolutely will favor that child. I have some entitled, spoiled, rude nieces I no longer allow in my home. I always say I do not reinforce poor behavior. I say that to them directly to. Everyone knows where they stand with me.
NTA i would explain everything to Adam and tell him if he wants to have those people as family or not
and text your family ” When I was in hospital, you didn’t visit me. You only wanted me as a free baby sitter. That’s not how family works. You are dead to me, stop trying to insert yourself into my life. Do not contact me at all or I will file a complaint at the police station.”
Make it clear the door is closed af
NTA I would call out the threatening relatives and explain to them exactly how their actions, rejections, and attitudes have led to this. They need to be held accountable for the consequences of their actions. Especially Alex’s parents.
Fuck all these people and help your ONE nephew. Their threats of No Contact are just empty threats. Call their bluff. Help your nephew. You’re doing a good thing. And you are allowed to do a good thing for one person inside your own boundaries without being consumed by this Hoover vacuum of a family. Truly, fuck them all. You are doing such a nice thing for your nephew. Adjacent temper tantrums don’t change that. All these fuckin people can pool their resources to get the other kid adequate housing if it is so important to them.
If the rest of the family is willing to cut Adam out of their lives because of the OP’s actions, I think that says a lot about the family. Would they have been upset if Adam received a housing stipend? Would he have to turn it down?
OP, I think you made the right choice to NC/LC with most of your family. They are truly assholes for threatening Adam for your actions.
They opened their big mouths about what you should do with your money so tell them what they should do with theirs. They can help Alex fund college why should you be the one to help him their quick to demand it from you, even though none of them were there for you when you needed them they. Turn it around on them and demand why they aren’t stepping up and helping Alex more. NTA
NTA.
Your family is toxic AF.
Updateme!
It’s very complicated, but NTA.
These other family members do not have a relationship with you but now want you to house their child for free? That’s beyond the pale.
I feel terrible for nephew #1. He’s very young but being asked to make a very difficult choice. He has to put himself first and seize an opportunity… or be cut off by extended family. That’s a tough choice for a teenager.
I would hope he realizes that by living with you, someone he has a real relationship with, HE IS NOT cutting the extended family off, THEY are cutting him out of their lives. The onus is one them. But as a teenager, it’s really hard to see the manipulation.
I hope you update later I’d be interested to see how this one ends.
Wait….. Your family is going to punish your brother & his son for a decision YOU made? Did I get that right? I understand why they would do that. You are beyond their reach in terms of their ability to punish you. So they are going to punish the innocent. How fucking cruel. Unfortunately, OP, you have no tools to use against your asshole family.
Q: Do you really think the broader family will cut off your brother & his son? Are they really willing to go that far? Or do you think some of them will break from the family & maintain that relationship? Can this fracture the family, and can your brother & son use that threat of fracture against them?
In your shoes, I would be very tempted to go out with both of my middle fingers in the air. If you get my drift.
NTA. Quite the opposite. You are a woman of vision & humanity. Don’t let this change you.
NTA. This to me is like the everybody gets a trophy or no one will. You have a clear bond and connection with one nephew. What the other one? they say. If he can’t come then no can come stay with you. Now the really doesn’t make any sense. Kinda like the family that thinks an inheritance should be shared when only the person(s) named were named for a reason. Yes you are the youngest and they don’t respect you at all. Be clear in your will when the time comes as well. There will be more of the same. The nephew you invited might as well come and accept the gift you’re offering him. This is his life now. Haters are gonna hate. No matter where he is. Might as well develop that tough skin and hope he makes a family of friends at the University near you.
NTA. Everyone is allowed to live their life how they want. And others have to accept that — which means accepting the boundaries that are connected with that life.
I get the child-free aspect. I never wanted children either, because I come from a big family (I’m the oldest) and I was the automatic choice for babysitting and all. My mother roped me into childcare and household duties.
My sister had her kids young too, and loaded them on me. I’m child-free, not because I hate kids tho, but because I already know how life with kids is and how exhausting and time-consuming that is.
I do love my niece and nephew. I would not say I favor them directly. But indirectly I do. I have a closer bond to my nephew, because he spent a lot more time with me and comes to visit every second weekend. Even now (he is 13 years old), he does this without fail. And he spends some holidays here too. He is a smart kid and talks a lot with me.
Whereas my niece was not as often here as my nephew and doesn’t spend much time in general with me. I see her every few weeks at best. And only when my sister is visiting us, and she is by chance with her. She is all the time on her tablet/mobile phone (even if asked please can put it aside and talk, she will not do it), and is catty if things don’t go her way or if she is in a bad mood in general. I love her too, but it’s clear to me that she doesn’t have an interest in a relationship.
So, I do more things with my nephew. I was involved in his upbringing more (my sister brought me both children when little all the time — but when my niece got older, my sister kept her with her, while my nephew was always here with me even when older — he even asked all the time if he could come instead of going with my sister to wherever she wanted to go). Because of that, he is actually polite (never said a bad word to me ever), he learned the rule that when he was with us at the table eating/drinking tea, no phone allowed, and talks.
It’s a big difference. My niece is not at fault, because she got that behavior from my sister. You see the difference who had impact on them.
Anyway, long story short: I can relate to why you are child-free, and your reasoning is valid. Your family did not respect your boundaries, except for your brother and your nephew. And only you get to decide what you do with your money and time. If you want to offer to Adam, it’s your choice. I’m sorry for Alex, and while he isn’t at fault, it’s not your problem either.
It’s terrible, that Adam has to shoulder this, and they force him to choose. But still, I hope he chooses you, because they have to learn that they can’t control everything.
Updateme.
You can do what you want, but honestly, you sound like a truly awful person.
Edit to add ESH.
Not the AH. You are close to Adam and gave him a great offer. It is up to him to choice what he wants to do.
I like that you are honest about playing favorites and rewarding Michael and Adam for their understanding behavior toward you for so many years.
Other family members punished you when it cost them nothing to do so. I’m sure it was a complete shock to discover there was something to be gained by respecting your wishes and now it’s far too late to repair their relationship with you.
I’d be careful with Adam. He may be tempted to become an entitled asshole by being given a huge bonus through no effort of his own. You should openly discuss your expectations and requirements. Let him know what behavior might cause you to rescind your offer in the future. Reddit is full of stories of relatives who move in and become roommates from hell!
I’ve unfortunately been in a similar situation. Youngest. Childfree. Met the nieces and nephews but lived in a different city. I visited occasionally, more once they got to preteen/ teen age because I was more comfortable interacting with them then. (I don’t know what to say to babies, I’m awkward.)
Child 1 kept in contact occasionally.
Child 2 spoke to me rarely
Child 3 spoke to me only when required.
Child 1 came to my town for college and made a strong effort to know me and my husband. They asked if they could stay with us between sophomore and junior year. I said absolutely. It was great and brought us closer.
Child 2 came to my town a couple years later and only spoke to me when Child 1 basically drug them to my place. The invite was always open and they were well aware. They had twice weekly counseling 2 blocks from my house but wouldn’t stop by.
They then asked to stay with us. I told them I loved them and would like a better relationship with them but I wasn’t comfortable having them stay because they were basically an acquaintance. (And I didn’t think they’d leave without a fight but I didn’t mention this.)
And that was pretty much the end of that. Blocked on all social media now. I’m hoping that changes but I can’t force anyone to be in my life.
NTA tell them you help the brother that was there for you. They can pool their funds and help the other stay in the dorms or rent a room
NTA. Go do your thing and focus on the people who have shown they actually care about you.
A bit of advice is that you should learn to bend the truth when it suits you. For example, this whole housing thing and renting out rooms and whether or not you can accommodate Alex is a situation where a bit of deception would have gone a long way. For example, when asked if you can house Alex, you could have said, “Sorry, I don’t have any space in the house and all the current tenants have over 2 years left on their leases. I had no idea Alex was considering university in my city since we have not spoken in many years.”
Lol they know they can’t force you so they start attacking the poor boy and his father.
What a trash family.
NTA
ESH except Adam.
I think you may have a mental illness. Most likely a personality disorder. You should talk to someone about that.
Nta. Kinda weird they want Alex to live with a complete stranger they wouldn’t even visit in the hospital. They just want to take from you, they always have. Sucks that your nephew got caught in the crossfire.
NTA
I think that your family of origin sucks, and you’re better off without them.