I (29F) have a sibling that is 10 years older than me. We will call him Bob (39m). Bob and I have always had a strained relationship as he was always babied and favored by our mother. And there was alot of trauma he caused in my childhood for no reason at all. Few months back my mom tells me Bob is having a baby with his new gf of maybe 6 months to a year.
My response was not what she apparently expected.
I said “okay is he aware he cant just walk away from the kid when he decides he doesnt wanna be responsible anymore?”
She told me “its still a baby and we needed to get along for its sake”
I responded “I don’t know that child, that child’s life wont be any different without me in it. Just like my children’s lives haven’t been any different without him in theirs”
She didnt like that. My dad has told me its not the babys fault my brother is an idiot. I agree but still im not changing my boundary.
For further explanation, ive had to carry the responsibilities in our family my entire life. Ive had to care for our mother on my own for years, ive always been the one our dad relies on. He(Bob) bullied me relentlessly growing up and is still a raging alcoholic. I have no desire to have that in my life or my kids life.
Bob knows why we dont have discussions. He was notified as to why we dont talk.
Its caused my relationship with my mom to become once again strained because she thinks i need to “let things go”.
Edit: im against him having a child because he walked out on two other children he helped raise from ages 6months & 3 years old. He told them repeatedly no matter what he would always be there because their bio dad wasnt around from birth. After 10 years he up and decided no more and went no contact for a girl he was cheating with. Kicked them out if his house to move his gf in.
So i refuse to give him the time of a day and acknowledge him as a “parent” after that.
So AITA here?
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I (29F) have a sibling that is 10 years older than me. We will call him Bob (49m). Bob and I have always had a strained relationship as he was always babied and favored by our mother. And there was alot of trauma he caused in my childhood for no reason at all. Few months back my mom tells me Bob is having a baby with his new gf of maybe 6 months to a year.
My response was not what she apparently expected.
I said “okay is he aware he cant just walk away from the kid when he decides he doesnt wanna be responsible anymore?”
She told me “its still a baby and we needed to get along for its sake”
I responded “I don’t know that child, that child’s life wont be any different without me in it. Just like my children’s lives haven’t been any different without him in theirs”
She didnt like that. My dad has told me its not the babys fault my brother is an idiot. I agree but still im not changing my boundary.
For further explanation, ive had to carry the responsibilities in our family my entire life. Ive had to care for our mother on my own for years, ive always been the one our dad relies on. He bullied me relentlessly growing up and is still a raging alcoholic. I have no desire to have that in my life or my kids life.
Bob knows why we dont have discussions. He was notified as to why we dont talk.
Its caused my relationship with my mom to become once again strained because she thinks i need to “let things go”.
So AITA here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not agreeing to get along with my brother because he is having a baby.
I upset my mother by not agreeing with her and making it well known i have a hard boundary in place.
It might make me the asshole because at the end of the day i will be an aunt to a child i will have nothing to do with, on purpose.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I feel like I am missing some information. So let’s see if I understand this correctly.
Your brother is an asshole.
He is having a child.
You have children. He doesn’t know them.
You intend to not get to know his children.
Your parents somehow feel you should get involved with his kids, even though the other way around, they didn’t feel that way.
You already have your own kids and you take care of your parents, so you feel you are doing enough.
NTA.
Did you mean Bob is 39?
This sounds like an awful situation, but it’s not actually Bob who’s causing your relationship with your mom to become strained — even though he’s the one bringing a baby into the picture. It’s up to you and your mom to handle this situation between the two of you. You may disagree with each other, but Bob didn’t cause the disagreement. He didn’t even force your parents to rely on you inappropriately. I’m not defending his actions, but it’s a complex family situation, and your parents have played a role in it.
I’m confused you’ve said 10 years older, which would mean 39 but you’ve said 49 so that makes 20 years older…. But no continue standing firm
NTA. Your brother has already proven himself to be a cheater who doesn’t care for anyone but himself…he should not be celebrated nor forgiven for continuing that behavior.
NTA. I feel bad for his kids. Could you have been more polite for politeness’ sake? Sure. But you want to make sure your parents don’t get any ideas about your view on him. His kids really deserve better.
NTA
Bob sounds like a run of the mill alcoholic tbh.
I don’t mean that as degrading to anyone in recovery; but until you CHOOSE sobriety, people around you are allowed to set boundaries with you
And even after you have choosen sobriety, you still have to understand, the choices you made under the influence may have permanently altertered your relationships with those around you
Bob hasn’t chosen sobriety. Bob is, from the information i gathered in the post, still an active alcoholic.
You have every right to set boundaries and maintain no contact to keep your peace.
This is also ignoring the fact that Bob is a known cheater, and has a history of abandoning kids in the past, which just strengthens your case to keep your distance
Anyone pushing you to do otherwise is wrong, and the asshole here.
NTA. Your parents and Bob know that Bob will want a babysitter (or even more than that) and they’ve chosen you. Absolutely not.
INFO. the children that “he walked out on”, were they his? because if they weren’t his, it matter’s little.
Ok. Let me figure this out.
Your brother took care of 2 kids for 10 years that were not his kids.
He broke up with their mother and kicked her and her kids out.
Moved his new gf in.
She is now expecting.
And you want him to not have kids because he broke up with the mom who had 2 kids and did not continue taking care of kids who were not his and did not legally adopt.
And somehow your relationship with your mom which seems to be completely irrelevant information.
And someone’s a drunk who bullied you. Can’t tell if that’s your dad or brother.
And somehow you have kids.
So… what exactly is it you want here? You seem to be saying your brother shouldn’t have kids of his own because he stopped taking care of his ex’ kids. In which case yta.
Its caused my relationship with my mom to become once again strained because she thinks i need to “let things go”.
So AITA here?
My question here is, why is your mother asking you to “let things go”. It shows that you have been the more understanding and forgiving child in the years but it’s unfortunate for your mother to ask you this as BOB has shown no care or need for change towards yourself or your children so why would you have to do the same? Seems to me that your feelings have not been validated. Having boundaries is to clarify how you behave towards other people and what kind of treatment you expect and accept in return. If BOB is still a raging alcoholic will his behavior change for this child and everyone else around. Its defiantly not the baby’s fault that BOB choses this lifestyle but as well it’s not yours or your children to have to put up with it, that would not be fair.
You cannot “let things go” with a raging alcoholic. Such a person will always create new “things.” Alcoholism is a terrible illness that requires serious treatment and determined recovery. A person in the throes of the illness will endlessly disappoint.