My daughter (24F) is on antidepressants and lives at home rent-free while saving for her own place. She keeps her pills in her bathroom with the lid loose because it’s hard to open, and since she’s the only one using it, it’s never been a problem.
My son (23M) and his girlfriend (22F) are temporarily staying with us until their condo is ready. Their bathroom sink downstairs is small with no counterspace, so when the girlfriend wanted to dye her hair, I told her to use my daughter’s bathroom (as she has a double sink with countertops) without checking with my daughter, who was home in her room.
About an hour later, I overheard my son telling his girlfriend he didn’t know how to break something to his sister. He finally told me his girlfriend had accidentally knocked over my daughter’s pills and some fell into the sink where she was dying her hair. I said I’d talk to my daughter, but my son insisted. I heard him enter her room with an attitude, saying, “Don’t start acting like an ass, but [girlfriend] knocked your pills into the sink.”
My daughter was furious, grabbed the remaining pills, and stormed off. My son blamed her for leaving the lid loose. When she asked why they were even in her bathroom, I explained, and she got angrier, saying they could have used theirs or mine. I told her I hadn’t expected this and she needed to calm down. She called my son an asshole and shut herself in her room.
I urged my son and his girlfriend to apologize, her because she should have asked to move the pills, and him because he escalated the situation. He eventually cooled down and apologized, but his girlfriend refused. My son then demanded my daughter apologize to his girlfriend. My daughter refused, saying she had nothing to be sorry for. The girlfriend chose to stay elsewhere until their condo is ready. My daughter spoke with her psychiatrist and replaced her medication.
My son still insists I should make my daughter apologize. I did tell my daughter she could have reacted more calmly, but she maintains that they should have asked her to move the pills or at least approached her without assuming she’d “go crazy.” She also points out she never said anything to the girlfriend, only her brother, and that I never should have let them use her bathroom in the first place.
So…have I completely mishandled this?
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My daughter (24F) is on antidepressants and lives at home rent-free while saving for her own place. She keeps her pills in her bathroom with the lid loose because it’s hard to open, and since she’s the only one using it, it’s never been a problem.
My son (23M) and his girlfriend (22F) are temporarily staying with us until their condo is ready. Their bathroom sink downstairs is small with no counterspace, so when the girlfriend wanted to dye her hair, I told her to use my daughter’s bathroom (as she has a double sink with countertops) without checking with my daughter, who was home in her room.
About an hour later, I overheard my son telling his girlfriend he didn’t know how to break something to his sister. He finally told me his girlfriend had accidentally knocked over my daughter’s pills and some fell into the sink where she was dying her hair. I said I’d talk to my daughter, but my son insisted. I heard him enter her room with an attitude, saying, “Don’t start acting like an ass, but [girlfriend] knocked your pills into the sink.”
My daughter was furious, grabbed the remaining pills, and stormed off. My son blamed her for leaving the lid loose. When she asked why they were even in her bathroom, I explained, and she got angrier, saying they could have used theirs or mine. I told her I hadn’t expected this and she needed to calm down. She called my son an asshole and shut herself in her room.
I urged my son and his girlfriend to apologize, her because she should have asked to move the pills, and him because he escalated the situation. He eventually cooled down and apologized, but his girlfriend refused. My son then demanded my daughter apologize to his girlfriend. My daughter refused, saying she had nothing to be sorry for. The girlfriend chose to stay elsewhere until their condo is ready. My daughter spoke with her psychiatrist and replaced her medication.
My son still insists I should make my daughter apologize. I did tell my daughter she could have reacted more calmly, but she maintains that they should have asked her to move the pills or at least approached her without assuming she’d “go crazy.” She also points out she never said anything to the girlfriend, only her brother, and that I never should have let them use her bathroom in the first place.
So…have I completely mishandled this?
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> 1) How I handled the whole situation. 2) It lead to a lot of drama and now all the kids are arguing.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think you should have told your daughter or they should have talked to her first. Especially since the gf was doing something so messy. Soft AH
Soft YTA. You should have asked your daughter if she’d be okay with them using her bathroom in the first place instead of just telling them they could, especially since she’s a 24 Y/O adult. Your son is the biggest AH here for the way he approached her to let her know about the medicine and her reaction was entirely justified. She should not have to apologize to her brother (or his GF) at all when it’s their own fault (and yours) that this situation happened to begin with. You owe your daughter an apology as does your son’s girlfriend.
Yup, you did.
You told your son’s girlfriend to use your daughter’s bathroom without asking your daughter because she might spill something in your bathroom. She spilled her shit anyway! Not only spilled but ruined vital meducatuon without any apologies to your daughter. And your son thinks his SISTER needs to apologize? I think your daughter reacted perfectly. and you screwed up massively for even considering making her apologize or being upset at her tone.
YTA
YTA
Your daughter is living there rent free but that doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed basic respect. You should have consulted with her before allowing the girlfriend to use what is normally her own bathroom. Even if you were going to pull the “my house my rules” you should have at least given her the opportunity to remove anything she didn’t want to get damaged (hair dye is messy AF).
You should also be standing up for your daughter. She literally did nothing wrong. Her brother came in and immediately accused her before delivering the news, WITH NO APOLOGY. Where is the accountability? You told you daughter she should have acted more calmly? Are you serious? She was the victim of two rounds of negligence and verbally attacked for it. I am starting to see why she is on antidepressants…..
>“Don’t start acting like an ass, but [girlfriend] knocked your pills into the sink.”
The Bolded part is the most a-hole-ish behavior in the whole story. That is NOT how you apologize. Its not REMOTELY CLOSE to an apology. That is how you actively and intentionally rub salt in a wound. It’s totally indefensible.
For the record the second most a-hole-ish thing in the story is your son DEMANDING his sister apologize to him when she was wronged and reacted reasonably to his verbal jabs afterwards. He sounds entitled to the extreme… and very good at deflecting blame.
The pills spilling is an accident with a lot of point where it could’ve been avoided, but none of the mistakes that led there were a-hole behavior. Some apologies are owed to your daughter, but still NTA.
And your daughter’s reaction to being harassed by her brother after losing meds which she CLEARLY depends on isn’t a-hole behavior. It’s an appropriate (or at least justifiable) reaction to being PROVOKED.
I think they are all adults and you should stay out of it. NAH. Antidepressants aren’t controlled substances, your daughter should be able to get more called in if she is worried about missing doses. It was an accident. They happen.
I think ESH. You could have asked your daughter first, your son or his girlfriend could have asked your daughter for permission to use the space, your son could have phrased his apology better, and your daughter didn’t need to fly off the handle like she did. I suppose your daughter could apologize for how she handled it, but I don’t think thats as big an issue as everything else that happened.
How about guests in your home start behaving themselves.
So…you clearly have a favorite. Let’s review. You let your son’s girlfriend use the bathroom without one word to your daughter. And when he approached her, you admit he did it badly and was rude to her. Then he’s butthurt that his girlfriend invaded her space and couldn’t be bothered to be careful of other people’s belongings and this upset your daughter. She is literally the only one in this mess that is entirely innocent. You talk about her staying rent free to save up, but if it comes at the expense of her privacy, and her dignity, you’re not really helping her at all. YTA
My son (23) lives at home and pays part of the utilities, still I would never let anyone in his room or bathroom without asking and I even try not to go in without his okay. Your sons reaction made the situation much worse “don’t be an ass but…” it doesn’t matter what medication it is but him acting like she was going to lose it made her want to that much more I’m sure. I don’t think she needs to apologize but you might want to sit everyone down because I don’t see your daughter and your son’s girlfriend moving past it until they do.
ESH, except your daughter.
GF didn’t need to dye her hair. There was no emergency. So there really was no good reason for you to offer up your daughter’s bathroom without asking her first (or at least telling her, and giving her the opportunity to move/secure any of her things first, if you wanted to play the “my house, my bathroom, my decision” card).
Now, your son? As I alluded to, completely out of line for how he brought this to his sister. He wasn’t just rude, he was rude in a way that cut to the core of her mental illness. That’s really gross.
And his girlfriend? Refusing to apologize, when she’s the one who caused the accident? I mean? I get that she didn’t mean to knock the pills down the drain, but when grown adults do something that causes someone harm/inconvenience, they apologize– whether they meant to do it or not. This adult woman was a guest in your home and couldn’t even find it in herself to do the bare minimum of the right thing to keep peace. Wild.
Was your daughter’s reaction perfect? Maybe not, but she’s the only legitimately wronged party here (by the intrusion into her space and her brother’s words more than the accident), so I’m inclined to cut her some slack.
NTA. And you’re a friggin’ saint letting these two ADULTS live with you rent free and then putting up with them acting like they are still teenagers. Remind them they are adults and you will NOT be the middle-mom.
Edited to say – these comments are WILD and reek of such entitlement. I’ll be damned if I’m going to tiptoe around in my own house trying not to step on the “rights” of the squatters living their for free. if they don’t like it, they are completely welcome to make other arrangements and let me enjoy the home I PAY FOR in peace. If this was a room-mate situation, I’m certain these comments would be WAY different.
Your first mistake was not giving your daughter a heads-up about the hair dying. Even if we go with “my house, my rules”, and it’s a murky area as your daughter doesn’t pay rent, you should have at least told her so she could remove anything from the bathroom. She likely would’ve chosen to grab the unsecured pills.
Once that happened, your son approached the situation terribly. This is when you should have apologized for not giving her a head’s up, but you didn’t. Telling your daughter to calm down in the moment and not telling your son to stop acting the way he was, was wrong. I know you later told him to apologize, but in the moment, you should’ve had your daughter’s back and said “Hey, she has a right to be upset right now, don’t antagonize”. But, you didn’t.
And now it seems you kind of want her to apologize to the girlfriend…and for what? From this story, it doesn’t seem like your daughter berated her or anything. She told off her brother who was antagonizing her from the start. I’m assuming your son is embarassed his girlfriend had to see all this? And maybe she’s upset? But in her shoes, I’d be embarrassed that my boyfriend handled this the wrong way, and I’d be super apologetic to his sister.
Overall, I think everyone sucks except your daughter. Her response doesn’t even seem that bad. She could’ve been calmer…but maybe she would have been if it was approached differently.
OP made a point of telling us her daughter is living rent free, I‘m not sure how that is relevant to this post. But OP also doesn‘t tell us if son and gf are also living there rent free. All this to say, looks like OP has a favourite child right off the bat, and is seeking validation.
NTA. Mistakes were made. It might have gone much different if your son had not been so insulting to her. He’s at fault, not you.
YTA. Not nearly as bad as your son (Super AH) or his girlfriend (Super-Duper Mega AH). Not that I’m advocating physical violence here, but after you heard your son say what he said a quick smack to the back of the head would have been my first response.
It sounds like the house has enough bathrooms that the daughter has reasonable expectation that the one she keeps her pills is “hers.” She did nothing wrong here. Her space was used without her permission to do something that makes a huge mess (I’ve done home hair dyes before I know), and her medication was damaged. I don’t know what she is on but I know from personal experience that some of those pills are VERY expensive and insurance wont pay to replace pills if you spill them and they get wet/covered in hair dye. Without insurance a month supply of some of the newer ones are $1200+ (so $40+ per pill). Plus replacing them is a huge pain, need to get new prescription, need to fight with pharmacy to fill prescription despite insurance not paying until next month, pills might be a special order and need to wait a day or two, and there is the looming threat of withdrawals that can be both very painful and dangerous if you stop immediately rather than stepping down your dose over a month. Its good not all pills were destroyed but they could have been and that is a very scary thought for someone whose mental stability depends on them. I’ve been there, and ran out waiting for my replacement. Withdrawals suck.
The son needs to get on his knees and give a serious apology to his sister for the way he acted. “Don’t start acting like and ass” is not how you begin an apology. He also needs to reimburse daughter for the cost of the meds replacement.
OP needs to let their son know that GF isn’t allowed in the house until she is also ready to apologize to daughter. Like never.
Yes you messed up, why on earth would you allow someone who’s not even family to use SOMEONE ELSE’s bathroom, and then the cherry on top is let your son and his gf disrespect your daughter who did nothing. I’m not surprised your daughter’s reaction was intense, mine would’ve been too, it’s hard enough dealing with depression, doctors, and prescription refills and then to come home to your “safe place” and have to deal with 3 immature people… yes I said three, stand up for your daughter and put that bitc— I mean gf in her place and your son.
YTA
Slight yta for not asking your daughter. She could have had time to move the pills if she’d known. The biggest ah is your son. There was absolutely no reason for him to start the convo that way.
Also, do you have minors in the house? If not, or if the kids are old enough to be responsible, your daughter can request caps that are easier to open from the pharmacy. My gf does this since she has a pain condition. Then your daughter could close the meds and wouldn’t have to worry about accidently bumping them herself. This is just an idea for the future to make her life a bit easier.
I think ESH. Your house, your rules. If you say someone can use the bathroom, they’re allowed to use the bathroom. However, common sense would tell the girlfriend that, “hey there’s something sitting on here. I should move this. Or I should ask somebody whose it is and ask them to move it.” Therefore, the gf sucks. Doubly so since SHE made the mess and refused to apologize. She’s a good fit for your son since they’re both AHs.
Your son is a grade A asshole. You don’t come into someone’s room like that. You don’t blame them immediately for doing nothing but existing and having their stuff in a space that was deemed theirs.
You suck because yes, you should have shut it down immediately when you heard your son be an AH. You should have apologized to your daughter for not thinking about how it would affect her.
Your daughter may have flown off the handle, but how would you feel if someone came and took out your life saving medicine? Or just invaded your space without prior consent from you? She’s the only one in this whole fiasco that is not an AH. And she needn’t apologize to anyone.
ESH, probably obviously by now.
I’m just stepping in to mention that pill bottles are hard to open because they are childproof. Childproof pill bottles save little lives! They are wonderful! But if there are no children in the household, they are unnecessary.
All you have to do to get easy to open prescriptions is ask for them. Childproof lids are the default, but any pharmacy will dispense in easy to open bottles if you ask. You will have to sign a form.
Leaving the lids loose is just asking for trouble. Even if no one else comes into your bathroom to dye their hair.
Now your son should apologize to his sister, your daughter should relax (she was justifiably panicked when her medication was lost) and apologize for panicking, and you should apologize to your daughter and the girlfriend, for not giving daughter a heads up.
This got blown way out of proportion. Knocking over a bottle could have happened to anyone.
If this is in the US, your daughter can flip the lid upside down and the reverse side screws in tightly without a child safety mechanism. I think ESH only because you guys should have asked to use her bathroom first since it’s accepted as “her space”.
Psychiatric medication is live saving you clearly have a problem with her taking them the way you talk about them. You are 100 percent TA that was her private space that you knew had loose pill bottles in and you sent someone one in there that didnt know without asking her. You should be apologizing to your daughter
Your son handled this poorly, without knowing the dynamics here but if you are using someone else’s space to do something it is the proper thing to be courteous of that and adjust and move things so you disrupt the space as little as possible. You’re NTA here but your son and his girlfriend should apologize and correct how they approach others and use their space.
You’re the asshole. Giving someone else permission to be in her space when you could’ve just asked her was a poor choice. You should’ve volunteered your sink.
The girlfriend should’ve also checked with the daughter AFTER asking you and she should’ve said something herself when she knocked over the pills. Her staying somewhere else was a good move since she doesn’t know how to be in someone else’s space.
ESH except for your daughter, who had her space violated without warning, had her personal property and lifesaving medication knocked over by someone who didn’t even apologize after her own brother confronted her about it in an unnecessarily rude way
There were OTHER BATHROOMS that could’ve been used. Your son attacked your daughter for a mistake HIS girlfriend made without the gf apologizing.
I wouldn’t be shocked if this favoritism is a pattern and your daughter reacted so passionately because she’s sick of being treated like a second class citizen in her own home by her own family
Why mention she doesn’t pay rent? Is it to justify your son’s behavior somehow? Even unconsciously? I have to say if hes been speaking to her like that his whole life, 1) he learned it somewhere, and never learned it wasnt ok 2) it has affected her. In your last paragraph, yput daughter is absolutely right. Speaking from the experience of being the only medicated person in a family of people who should have been, i feel for her.
YTA If you allow her to live there and that is her bathroom, then why would you allow anyone else to use it without at least asking your daughter first? Yeah you could say “This is MY house” but then that still makes you an AH, just in a different way. You KNEW she kept meds in there which is another reason no one else has any business being allowed in there by you.
We know who the golden child is.
Yeah, this situation could have been handled in a better way. Girlfriend and Son are in the wrong. Daughter is right.
ESH
YTA. Why would you send anyone into your daughter’s room without her permission. Your son and his girlfriend are epic assholes for not recognizing their wrong doing. Soon she’ll be posting about my evil inlaws without accountability.