J and I have been best friends since kindergarten. We grew up together, shared everything—family, relationships, life’s ups and downs. My mom treated her like one of her own. She cooked for her, helped her with school, and gave her the love she didn’t always get at home.
Then, out of nowhere, my mom passed away from cardiac arrest at just 56. It was sudden, completely unexpected, and happened right after I found out I was pregnant. Just 12 days before she died, she was celebrating the pregnancy with us, so excited to meet our baby. It still feels unfair that she never got the chance.
J was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy—even before my mom. She was ecstatic, calling my baby her daughter’s“cousin.” That’s how close we were.
But when my mom passed, J was on vacation. My husband told her, and she never even sent a text, let alone called. Meanwhile, she kept posting selfies and thirst traps like nothing had happened.
She got back home on a Wednesday but didn’t come see me until Saturday. When she finally did, all she had were excuses—she “didn’t know what to say” and “didn’t know how to comfort me.”
Since then, I’ve pulled back from her. She’s noticed and has been asking our mutual friends why I’m ignoring her. Some say I should let it go because maybe this was just her way of grieving. Others agree that her reaction was hurtful and disrespectful.
I can’t shake the feeling that when I needed her most, she wasn’t there—not for me, not for my mom’s memory.
AITA for ignoring her?
Comments
No. Your friend is a selfish person. Don’t let her back in at all. You don’t need any closure, her actions are the closure. She could’ve been a sounding board for you if that was the only thing she did. Instead she posted selfies. Tell those mutuals that say you should let it go: I lost my mom and someone who knew her when we were kids wasn’t there for me and you want me to let it go? You sound just as selfish as she is and cut them off.
NTA. Her behavior is inexcusable. That’s her way of grieving? Give me a goddamn break. And it’s not like it was your 95 y/o great grandmother that you lost. This was your mother, and losing her like that was a brutal blow.
I’m so sorry you lost your mother. And I’m keeping such a good thought for you and the baby!
Maybe she was overwhelmed with her own grief and maybe she didn’t know what to say but that doesn’t change how hurtful her actions were! She could have simple text saying that she had heard about your mum and was so sorry and would come and see you when she was back and could support you properly (and then held off on posting her bloody holiday pics!)
This was a time were she needed to put you first, no matter how uncomfortable or difficult it was for her, and she failed.
NTA – but some people just can’t cope with grief. With time you may still want her in your life. If you can accept that she’s someone who can’t be there with you in grief you may find that you still want to have her around for things that are fun/celebratory. That’s totally up to you and either way is fair. Just think about if you’ll miss her during the good times enough to put up with her absence in the bad before you totally write her off.
Wow, that’s rough. I don’t blame you one bit. You’ve had a life changing event, one which will affect you for ever more. If that were me, I would be devastated for you. I would find it very hard to forgive her.
I’d demote her. She was so disrespectful to your mom’s memory and kindness. She’s an old acquaintance, not your person. Be polite when you see her.
I think the key about people is it’s easy to be a good friend in good times…but in bad times, it’s still easy for a good friend. Fake good friends….not so much
I think some people take the “if you don’t know what to say, say nothing” mantra to the extreme.
When I went through diagnosis and treatment for an aggressive breast cancer, there were some close, personal friends who were absent.
It was about them, not me. I think one of them was terrified of cancer, but never said that. She just disappeared.
I could have forgiven her if she told me it was a painful reminder of her Mother’s death, but she didn’t.
We are no longer friends.
NTA. You are entitled to your feelings. She was not there for you, not even a simple text conversation. You are simply giving back the same energy that she gave you during your time of need. Focus on you and don’t worry about how she feels as she certainly did not care about your feelings. Also don’t buy into letting this go, she showed you who she truly was and you noted.
NTA. If she was that close with you and your Mom, she would have at the least contacted you, and at the most left vacation to be with you. She only saw you when it was convenient for her. She is not a true friend nor was she grieving. She is someone who is happy to celebrate with you but has no interest in being with you when you need her. Maybe you should send her a letter/email explaining why you are pulling back. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a mother is hard.