I (F30s) have a younger teenage daughter, “M.” My closest friend, who also happens to be our neighbor, has younger kids who are very close with my younger kids.
Recently, we were all at the water park packing up to leave when M started talking back to me. Out of nowhere, my friend threw her drink in M’s face from the sideline. It wasn’t playful—it embarrassed and humiliated her in front of everyone. Later, my friend admitted she acted impulsively, and while she would do that to her own kids (her parenting style is more corporal than mine), shouldn’t have done it to mine and said she intends to apologize, but weeks have passed and she still hasn’t.
Instead, she’s been sending me long texts about how frustrated she was with M’s behavior toward her kids that day (splashing, teasing, being bossy). Behavior she did not bring up prior to the incident. I don’t deny M can be difficult sometimes, and I told my friend I’m open to hearing her concerns. But I feel like she’s making her apology conditional, as if she can’t say sorry without also laying out everything M has done wrong. To me, those are separate issues: she, as the adult, crossed a line and should apologize directly to M. After that, I’m open to discussing M’s behavior privately, mom-to-mom.
In the meantime, my friend has asked if our younger kids can keep playing together. I said I’d like that too, but not until she follows through with the apology. She told me I’m “holding the kids’ friendship hostage” and that it isn’t fair to them.
From my perspective, this isn’t about punishing the younger ones (who do stand to lose the most)-it’s about showing M that her feelings matter and that adults are accountable for their actions too. If I let life go back to normal without an apology, the message my daughter receives is that what happened doesn’t matter. I’m also increasingly hurt that someone I consider my friend seems so reluctant to apologize to one of my children.
So, AITA for insisting on an apology before letting the kids hang out again?
Comments
NTA. Your friend threw a drink in your teen’s face, admitted she was wrong, and still hasn’t apologized. You are not holding kids hostage, you are showing your daughter that her feelings matter and that adults must take responsibility. The apology comes first, any concerns about your daughter’s behavior can be a separate conversation.
Not at all – you’re not the asshole here.
Your friend crossed a massive line throwing a drink in your kid’s face. That’s humiliating, aggressive, and way out of bounds for anyone who isn’t the parent (and honestly even for a parent, that’s not ok). The fact that she admitted she shouldn’t have done it means she knows she crossed the line. But instead of just owning it and apologizing to your daughter, she’s stalling and trying to justify her behavior by bringing up M’s flaws. That’s not an apology – that’s deflection.
NTA you’re not punishing the kids you’re showing your teen that respect and accountability matter. Letting this slide without an apology would teach her that humiliation is acceptable, friends or not some lines can’t be crossed.
NTA but why are you still even talking to this so called friend after she embarrassed and openly disrespected your child and still hasn’t apologized? She needs to apologize and tell her to stop behaving like a child. Also, how is your daughter feeling about M after this? Does she even want an apology (she should still get one because why tf would a grown adult think it’s ok to do that to a child) but after the apology is made, would she be comfortable being around M and her family? Are you going to be comfortable being around her and her family? Last point, I hate that she said she would’ve thrown the drink in her own kids face. That would make the child correct their behavior, it would only lead to more outbursts and conflict.
NTA. She assaulted your teenage daughter and is now refusing to apologize, I’d hesitate to call this person a “friend” anymore. I don’t have kids but I don’t think I could’ve sat idly by while someone threw a drink in my kid’s face. What do you think that tells your daughter? Ditch this person, there’s no reason for them to be in your lives anymore. This is very serious.
An apology should be the least of your concerns. Your friend reacted impulsively to abuse your young daughter. I would question whether or not your daughter should ever be in her presence at all. Edit: NTA.
ESH
Yeah, as the adult, your friend made an impulsive and innapropriate move, BUT, what about an apology from your daughter for how she was treating your friend’s kids?
Sounds like this isn’t the first time your kid has behaved poorly towards her kids and you seemingly didn’t do anything or enough about it. This does not excuse the friend’s actions at all however.
I think ESH
NTA, but your “friend” sure is. First of all, talking back is not an excuse to punish, let alone get physical. Second of all, M is YOUR child, not hers, if it was anyone’s decision how to react to that, it was you, not her. She assaulted and humilliated your daughter for “starting to talk back” and has refused to apologize, and now keeps critizing your daughter’s behaviour. She is YOUR kid, not hers, and she has a lot of nerve to gang up on a teenager when she, a fricking grown adult, behaved worse than a middle-school bully. Even if M had done anything to warrant that reaction, which she didn’t, SHE is the adult and a mother herself (which, honestly, if this is her normal behaviour with her children, I find it abusive), she is the one who should know better, not M, who is litterally a teenager. But of course she just wants to pretend nothing was wrong and refuses to apologize.
Honestly, if your friend refuses to do this, cut her off.
Not the AH but you need to get a handle on your teen. She sounds like a pita.
NTA and file a police report for ASSAULT
Your friend overstepped, she knows it, but won’t apologise. Everyone gets to parent their own children and now she’s holding up the process and trying to guilt you.
NTA
NTA. Your friend was out of line. But your daughter needs to be put in check if the alleged behavior is true.
If someone assaults my kid then they would be lucky there is any communication between us again
NTA. Your friend crossed a major line. Depending on where you are, it’s could be considered assault. You’re not holding your other kid’s friendships hostage, just the opposite. You’re protecting all your children.
Also, splashing in a waterpark is normal, so your friend using that is reaching.
So instead of apologizing your friend is now trying to make excuses/justify her actions by saying M was being bossy to her kids. That still doesn’t give her the right to throw a drink in M’s face because she’s still a child and your friend is a freaking adult. Like, that doesn’t even rise up to the same level at all.
She needs to apologize first to your child but your child should apologize to her kids too, if she was in fact being bossy and teasing them. You said yourself you know how your child can be, so rectify that situation after your friend atones for her actions.
Your friend abused your child and you still talk to them why? YTA for allowing an abuser around your child.
Next time she might think your younger kid needs a smack for being rude.
ESH. If you’re not going to address your own daughter’s behaviour, it’s a bit rich of you to expect an apology.
NTA for requesting an apology BUT YTA for still being friends with someone who did that. The kid deserves an apology from the friend AND you.
NTA
I think your being a very responsible parent and showing M some great lessons, might be worth talking to M about what’s happening. Another important lesson is that you can’t make people change but showing her that you’re on her side is important and I think you’ve done a great job so far.
It’s unfortunate the younger kids aren’t able to hang out but that’s on your friend if she isn’t able to apologies to M then it shows more about her than you.
first of all why did you not beat her ass immediately after she assaulted your child
I’d hate if my parents continued to be friends with someone who acted like that towards me. If you think she acts out now just wait.
Your friend/neighbor should never have disrespected you and your child in this manner. Why you wouldn’t directly berate her for her behavior is beyond me. Your child should know you have her back especially at this time in her development.
I’m trying to figure out why you’re still friends with this person after she assaulted your daughter let alone why you would feel comfortable letting your younger children interact with her/her children.
NTA….Oh my. My momma blood is boiling over here. Quite frankly, what your so called neighbor/friend did to your child is assault and she has not apologized to your child yet, let alone you?
And now, she wants to make excuses for her behavior. Nope. You need to call her out on this baloney.
What she did was so wrong in so many ways. And quite frankly, her actions would not make me want to hang out with her anytime soon, let alone my children be in her presence.
This is a friendship deal breaker.
(Thru reading comments, your neighbor was so far out of line. If she had any concerns about M’s behavior towards her children, that should have been addressed thru out the day or at least at sometime with you, the two adults. And this is not only about M’s feelings and that they matter, this is so much more than that. This is about an adult assaulting a minor. This is about that neighbor going way above what another parent should do to someone else’s child. And if she has to throw a drink in her own child’s face, if she lets herself get to that point, then I would seriously consider letting any of my children be in her presence. You should be hurt that this person who you thought was your friend, is actually a bully who is trying to excuse her actions and blame not only your child, but your parenting. You are not punishing the children. You are protecting them.)
NTA. It doesn’t matter how close you are to someone they don’t get to impose discipline on your children. That was a huge boundary stomp, and without an apology then you really shouldn’t allow them around any of your children. Since they don’t understand what they did wrong, they will definitely repeat that behavior, which I think is reprehensible anyway and shows a distinct loss of control. Saying she acted impulsively is not a valid excuse or anything resembling acknowledgement that she overstepped boundaries or that she is actually sorry for anything.
Do you really believe she treats your younger kids better than she treated your daughter. Ask them how often she screams or throws thing when your not around. Tempers are not only lost one time. She has anger and Impulse issues. She just good at hiding it when adults are looking. Congratulations you have now seen who she really is. Talk to your kids.
Neighbor punishes her child in a way OP doesn’t approve of (it didn’t even involve neighbor), refuses to sincerely apologize, and OP is considering putting her younger children in neighbor’s care… Just have neighbors kids at OP’s house
NTA. Honestly, from a certain perspective she assaulted a child. Let that sink in. She did this to your child while just overhearing a conversation. Do you really want someone with such poor self-control around your children? I wouldn’t. I was pretty chill and luckily I didn’t encounter anything like this with my kids as they grew up but you better believe mama bear would have come roaring out if anyone did that to my child.
I hope you’ve talked extensively to M to let her know what happened was awful and it is not how anyone should treat anyone else let alone an adult treat a child.
NTA at all.
Your friend had to take a walk to coll off, because even M was being a brat, it’s not her that has to parent her.
If her parenting style is corporal, that’s her business. But she doesn’t have to touch M
Your friend overstepped and now she has to face the consequences, so I don’t think you’re “holding the kids’ friendship hostage”. If she apologizes everything goes back to normal, but she hasn’t do it. As you wisely said, adults do make mistakes and have to face the consequences
NTA. I don’t want anyone who can “act impulsively” (violently) toward my kids. Apology or not.
It is weird to me that you are worried about what it says if your children continue to be friends with her children, but don’t seem concerned that you’re maintaining a friendship with the actual drink thrower. I don’t think your daughter would hold it against your “friend’s” kids, and neither should you. However, you still continuing to have contact and a relationship with her is a betrayl to your daughter imo. Hold the parent responsible, not the children. I think showing your daughter that adults are accountable would be you not being involved with this neighbor anymore. The kids can have a relationship pretty separate from you in some aspects, although I would be hesitant to allow my younger kids anywhere near her. Kids act up, that doesn’t give a right for other people to throw things at them. How do you know she’ll behave appropriately with your younger kids when they’re over her house playing or something?
NTA She acted like a child herself throwing the drink. Apology or not, I would be distancing myself from her as a friend because that is just not the kind of person I like. Her younger kids could come play, at my house, no way in heck would I allow her to be around my kids alone.
She threw a drink in your child’s face and you’re still speaking to her? Are you serious? YTA for that
Im wondering why you’re still friends and why you didn’t beat the crap out of your friend for assaulting your child. You’re not the asshole to your neighbor, but you are some type of something not great. Why would you want to be friends with anybody that assaulted your child? That’s just weird. Like, I would be facing charges.
You’re failing your daughter
NTA – Assaulting your child should definitely take priority over her kids’ play dates. I honestly wouldn’t be able to have her around my kids again.
YTA why tf are you still talking to someone that threw water in your child’s face to discipline them????
NTA I hope you cut contact bc this will happen again even if she eventually apologizes. I don’t think it’s worth fighting over anyways I’d keep her away from your kid. If you do cut her out sit down with the kid and tell her what the friend did was mean and bc she didn’t apologize she’ll no longer be part of your lives.
NTA she assaulted your child.
No apology, I’d report her to the police
Mama bear up
To NC with this toxic person
NTA
I think you should try a more direct approach :
“Is it so difficult to admit you cross the line ? Is it so difficult to apology ? It could have been resolved in two minutes, days ago. what block you ?”
YTA for being “open to her concerns” after she assaulted your daughter. If somebody did that I’d file a police report. At least if I was able to not punch her in the face multiple times. Just the visual image of that is getting me heated.
Holy shit what is wrong with you?? Would she have to actually injure one of your children for you to see her behavior as a reason to cut her off?
YTA for allowing that shit & for staying friends with her. What she did to your child was ASSAULT OP, WHY are you letting that shit slide???? The fact that she abuses her own kids doesn’t make it ok for her to abuse yours too, WTFFF?! Why don’t you stand up for your kids?? You could go to the police & have her charged, which honestly I would do along with calling CPS to report the way she “disciplines” her children & other peoples’ children!!!
You are your children’s only advocate, so do better!!
ESH
Her for obvious reasons. You for even still considering allowing this person in your children’s lives. CUT HER OUT.
OP you’re NTA for wanting an apology for your daughter but you would be TA if you continue to entertain this nonsense. My children would be nowhere around her and the “friend” would have been dealt with immediately if she’d done that to my kid. Talking back or not, I as the parent will handle it
Please ask yourself why you want this woman to be around any of your kids. This is not someone I would have around my children, at all, at any age
NTA. She assaulted your daughter. Depending on where you live, you could press charges.
She’s the one who’s holding the kids’ friendship hostage by not just apologizing like she said she would. She should also apologize to you for abusing your kid in front of you. All she’s been doing is justifying her a-hole behavior.
M is thirteen. Your friend will eventually learn that 13-year-olds are all pretty frustrating. She needs to learn how to use her words, or her kids will all go no-contact with her as soon as they turn 18.
Your children, especially M are no longer safe with this friend. She might even attempt a false flag incident. You have to keep your kids away from her.
This woman assaulted your child. An apology would not be enough for me. The relationship between the families would be totally over.
Your friend assaulted your child and you’re still friends with her?? YTA to your kids, especially your daughter, why would you still allow this woman around them? Why are you friends with her still??
She isn’t a very good friend…and she has anger issues. Also, she assaulted your child, and there is never an excuse for that! The fact that she can’t even apologize for her actions tells you all you need to know about her.
That’s assault. NTA for wanting an apology. YWBTA if you ever let her around your kids again. This is what you witnessed; imagine what she’d do when you or nobody else is around. Remind her you’ve already done her a favor of not pressing charges and block her accordingly.
Yta your kid was being a jerk and you don’t care, your princess got drink in her face and you must have respect!
Hypocrisy at its best
She threw water in your kids face and is refusing to apologise. Why are you even considering a friendship with her? The fact that she openly admits that she would do this to her own kids is gross. She’s abusive, a bully, and if she’s willing to do that in front of you, then what is she doing behind closed doors?
I wouldn’t let that person near a child of mine ever again, personally.
NTA
NTA, let your “friend” know you don’t want to set a poor example for your kids by letting them think it’s okay to continue being friendly with those who abuse their family members. Let me be absolutely clear: attacking your child by throwing a drink in their face while they were in conversation with you is abuse. It is not an acceptable form of corporal punishment either. It is just abuse.
Edit: my mother used corporal punishment raising us too (I’m the youngest of 10) & I can promise you she would have never tolerated anyone throwing a drink in our faces, slapping us, yelling at us, interfering in a discussion between us and her even if we were being difficult. What you’ve described in this post is not corporal punishment it is flat out abuse.
To be very clear, YTA for what you are doing to M right now. You should have cut all contact with your “friend” the moment she attacked M. By maintaining contact like this you are showing M that you won’t protect your children from your friends if your friends abuse them.
Tossing a drink in someone’s face is assault. Regardless why your daughter was saying or doing, as the adult she should have handled it better. I honestly wouldn’t consider her a friend anymore after that.
I’m sorry your friend assaulted your child and you’re still even considering being her friend? Ma’am you need to be much more direct and remind your friend that what she did was assault and you will no longer be friends with someone who assaults children. How is it safe for any of your kids to be near someone like that?
NTA. Quite frankly, an apology is important, but the least of your concerns. Why are you friends with someone who’d throw a drink in a child’s face, even their own? How is she as a mother behind closed doors. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would be embarrassed to be associated with someone who would do that.
Yeah, I’m sorry. I wouldn’t be friends with this person anymore. She threw a drink at your daughter and she had absolutely no right to do that.
You and your daughter need to get through this and maybe talk or get some therapy just so that everybody is respectful but your friend crossed a line a really big line . NTA.
NTA but why do you want this woman around your younger children? She has shown she’s willing to be abusive to one of your children in front of you why would you trust her near your younger kids
She’s telling you that she feels her reaction was justified.
I’ll probably get downloaded for this, but I’m sitting here just laughing at people saying having water thrown in your face is horrible or terrorizing or “assault”, and you should call the police, etc. What a bunch of drama queens.
The water did not hurt your child. It was not an assault. What it did was suddenly stop and point out her smart-assness.
So no. Your friend should not have corrected your child. Especially when she didn’t even give you a chance to handle the situation first.
However, from what you say, it sounds like your kid was being a little a-hole to her kids for a while before that. And maybe that ramped her up enough that the smart talking was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t hear you saying anything about you handled either your child’s snart-talk or the allegation of her messing with your friend’s kids. So you and your kid are not exactly starting from the point of pure innocence in this either.
All that really needs to be done here is that you go to your friend and say, “Listen, you said you were going to make an apology. You need to do it within 24 hours or we’re done. No more stalling.”
And before you go to talk to her, you need to grill your kid to find out what she was doing to the other kids that day and if there was any possibility that what your friend is saying is true.
If it’s not true – and you need to listen to your kid critically, because she of course will lie – then just insist the friend makes the apology and say it’s separate from what else was happening and that she should have addressed her concerns at the time, but you would still expect an apology.
If it seems her allegations are true, then you need to talk to your kid about making an apology to the other kids for her actions that day. But since your friend is the adult, she needs to make her apology first to be a model for your child to then make her apologies to the other kids.
As it stands right now, this is fixable. It is not a friendship-ending incident. No one was actually harmed here. And if your kid really is so emotionally frail that this damaged her psyche, then you have some work to do as a parent in helping her develop a thicker skin.
Basically, everybody’s the a-hole here.
You’re NTA and honestly I wouldn’t want her around any of my kids ever. I would just say that you’re not comfortable with her around any of your kids and end the friendship.
Your friend was DEFINITELY in the wrong. You’ve basically humiliated my child and it doesn’t seem to matter to you. I personally feel as an adult your friend needs to put on her big girl bloomers and do the correct thing and apologize. You did something out of context that I would not do to my own child or anyone else’s.
Your “friend” assaulted your child. I would be done. She is teaching her kids how to treat others. Your family will bear the brunt of this again unless you distance yourselves.