I (29M) went to dinner with a group of friends for my friend Jess’s (28F) birthday. There were 8 of us. The restaurant was one of those trendy tapas places but people mostly ordered for themselves. I eat mostly plant-based for medical reasons, don’t drink, and stuck to a few small veggie dishes and a sparkling water. My total came out to about $27 with tip.
When the bill came, Jess’s boyfriend immediately said we should just split it evenly and everyone nodded along. For context, some of them ordered multiple rounds of cocktails, steak, dessert, the whole thing. Their totals were closer to $60–$70 per person. I didn’t say anything at first but when they started doing the math I said I’d rather just pay for what I ordered.
That did not go over well. One person said “it’s her birthday” and another said I was making it complicated. I calmly explained I didn’t have any of the expensive stuff and I didn’t think it made sense for me to chip in extra for things I didn’t eat or drink. I Venmo’d $30 (rounded up) and said happy birthday before heading out. I didn’t make a big scene.
Now I’m getting texts from people saying I made things awkward and was being cheap. Jess hasn’t said anything but I know some people are annoyed. For what it’s worth I’ve split evenly in the past when things were similar but this was not that. I don’t drink, I didn’t eat any of the shared stuff, and I don’t think it’s fair to cover someone else’s cocktails just because it’s easier.
My girlfriend said I was technically right but could have read the room better
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I (29M) went to dinner with a group of friends for my friend Jess’s (28F) birthday. There were 8 of us. The restaurant was one of those trendy tapas places but people mostly ordered for themselves. I eat mostly plant-based for medical reasons, don’t drink, and stuck to a few small veggie dishes and a sparkling water. My total came out to about $27 with tip.
When the bill came, Jess’s boyfriend immediately said we should just split it evenly and everyone nodded along. For context, some of them ordered multiple rounds of cocktails, steak, dessert, the whole thing. Their totals were closer to $60–$70 per person. I didn’t say anything at first but when they started doing the math I said I’d rather just pay for what I ordered.
That did not go over well. One person said “it’s her birthday” and another said I was making it complicated. I calmly explained I didn’t have any of the expensive stuff and I didn’t think it made sense for me to chip in extra for things I didn’t eat or drink. I Venmo’d $30 (rounded up) and said happy birthday before heading out. I didn’t make a big scene.
Now I’m getting texts from people saying I made things awkward and was being cheap. Jess hasn’t said anything but I know some people are annoyed. For what it’s worth I’ve split evenly in the past when things were similar but this was not that. I don’t drink, I didn’t eat any of the shared stuff, and I don’t think it’s fair to cover someone else’s cocktails just because it’s easier.
My girlfriend said I was technically right but could have read the room better
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA for sure, although I did just do a birthday dinner for a friend and the present was that the birthday girl did not have to pay. It might’ve been nice to contribute towards her meal, but not the rest of the tables’.
EDIT: I just saw another comment where OP doesn’t believe in tipping?? Bro. Honestly your attitude in the comments really has me rethinking my judgement.
INFO. Did you pitch in to cover part of the birthday girl’s cost? I agree with you other than her part should have been split up to everyone else since y’all were there to celebrate her.
NTA.
I for one hate trying to work out the exact amount for everyone’s meal in a group so usually just split equally. But in those cases everyones meal cost about the same, maybe you pay a few more euros but doesn’t really matter.
However if their meal was double yours then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to pay what you spent. Not pay towards their meals.
Yeah, I think your girlfriend is right. This is one of those things where you can be justified and still be an asshole.
Don’t make things awkward at other people’s birthday celebrations. If you’d had to pitch in $150 more than you should have I could have seen it, but unless you’re incredibly strapped for cash, $30-$40 is in the range where I think you should have just written it off as the cost of subsidizing part of her birthday dinner and made a note to bring up separate checks earlier next time. Friendship involves some give and take; you don’t have to stand your ground for Your Moral Rights every single time.
YTA, not for wanting the check to be split more fairly but for making an issue about $40 at your friend’s birthday party.
INFO Did Jess pay an even share, or did someone pay a second share on her behalf?
If the birthday girl was paying like everyone else, or if one person was paying on her behalf, then N T A.
If the whole table was splitting her share, Y T A a little for not contributing to that: yeah, you aren’t contractually bound to do that, but it’s still kind of an AH move not to go along with it if everyone else is, because it makes you saliently ungenerous. But N T A for not contributing to everyone else’s: an even split is a fair simplification only among people who have similar orders.
NTA, but you should’ve thrown in extra towards the birthday girl’s portion of the check.
NTA Like you said, why should you be responsible for paying for things you didn’t eat? The people who are upset feel that way because you didn’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
NTA. They are the ones being cheap here, expecting others to foot the bill for their alcohol intake and multiple dishes.
That said, I don’t think you handled it the best. In this situation the best way to do it is to ask your server for a separate check.
NTA, but did you consider volunteering to sort out the check for everyone? I fully get not wanting to cover others, but it is extra work to figure out.
NTA You knew what you ordered, you covered your bill, and that’s all you should have done. Anybody who wants you to pay for their food is just being a mooch
NTA. The only time I am in favor of splitting the bill is if everyone eats and drinks the same thing.
I only drink water or soda, and I am not going to pay for you to drink. If I only order a cup of soup, I am not paying for your surf and turf. Unless it was established prior to the event where everyone can decide if they want to participate, you should be prepared to cover your own expenses.
NTA
In this economy? Honestly, if there was a plan to split the bill or cover the birthday girls dinner, that’s something to be discussed beforehand. They made it awkward by assuming this was going to be done and only bringing it up at the end.
In a few years time when people get pregnant, start fitness hobbies and have mortgages, everyone will be less inclined to have other people spend their money for them on dinners and drinks.
Only an AI would put “Warning: LONG” on a post this short. Not to mention the curly quotes and the
emen dash in $60-70.NTA, they’re the ones being cheap, if you were the one ordering the most expensive stuff they wouldn’t mind at all that you paid your part. I’m also very against splitting evenly unless its shared dishes as well as shared bottles of drinks, there’s no way to try to stay a bit on budget while also participating if it’s always split evenly.
My friends do the same thing, and cover the cost of the birthday girl’s dinner entirely. It’s annoying but I figure it’s the cost of good night out with friends. Next time, order more expensive things.
AI
YTA if the tone of OP’s replies is anything close to representative of how he talks to his friends. I’m a big proponent of splitting the bill fairly, but no wonder people were annoyed. I’m also curious about the comment about splitting things evenly in the past—does this mean when your expenditures were in line with the average, or when everyone spent similarly?
SEPRATE. CHEQUES. FOREVER.
This is why I don’t split bills. My meal was $9.87 Jessica. Yours was $26.44… why the hell am I paying $17?
Yeah. No. it’s just bullshit.
I always vote NTA on this. I just get so frustrated. Now, if your part included the birthday girl and tip, you are good. But as someone who doesn’t drink who once almost threw down about splitting the bill when two people had two $30+ cocktails at a dinner, NO, I am not paying for your drinks. I’ll pay for my dinner. Thanks.
NTA for sure
If they wanted an obsolete everything evenly they should have mentioned it ahead of time. throwing it out last minute is a crappy move
NTA, things are expensive enough and I’m not paying an extra $40 for stuff I didn’t order. The only people who make out are the ones with multiple drinks, steak and dessert. I ask for separate check.
NTA but where I am coming from when you have your birthday at a restaurant with friends (when you organize it and invite them) you are paying.
Why did you all went to the restaurant on her birthday if it wasn‘t an invite from her?
NTA buy I don’t understand why you didn’t add an extra $10 to cover 1/7th of the birthday girl’s bill?
I go out to dinner every friday with friends. We always split the bill and only pay for what we order. Including items that we order to be shared. It’s not my duty to subsidize your dinner.
NTA. Everyone should have asked for separate checks. One person could have added the birthday girls meal to their check, and then Venmo that person for a share of her meal.
I’m mindful when out to eat. Like you, I often don’t order apps/dessert/drinks, or even an expensive meal. I’ve been in this situation and it was frustrating to pay $50 when I know my meal was $20… And if I knew the arrangement ahead of time, maybe I would have chosen something different.
NTA
I only pay for what I’ve ordered. Indeed, I’d just get a split bill and be done with it.
NTA If you think you that was a long post then this must be your first time on reddit.
NTA, no idea why someone wants to split the bill evenly, in out group of friends everyone always just calculate his order and pays for himself only. But still we can split the tip evenly
NTA. I’ve never understood why people think this is a reasonable way to do dinner with friends. It’s hardly ever equitable. We are all adults… Pay for your own shit. Plain and simple.
Usually I’m on the side of ‘everybody pays their own tab’ but in this scenario and based on your replies: YTA. When you saw how the orders were going, you could have spoken up then and said “Hey, we’re all paying for ourselves and covering Jess’s tab, right?” But you didn’t. Then you proceeded to only order water but you admit you had “quite a few sips” from your friends’s drinks (and I’m guessing had a bite of two from some of their tapas plates). At the end, you paid your bill and kicked in a whopping $3 for Jess’s birthday dinner and whatever you ate/drank of your friends’s orders before you flounced out.
YTA for not contributing anything toward the birthday girls meal, but you’re not responsible for anyone else’s.
I think the way you went about it and it being someone’s birthday does make YTA.
NTA in general, although IMO you should have also contributed to birthday friend Jess’ tab.
In future, you might want to announce your intentions at the beginning of the meal rather than afterward. It might lead to others requesting separate checks as well, which would make things less awkward overall. 🤷🏾♂️
NTA based off the story but god you sound a little insufferable based off your replies to people who might disagree with you lol
Nta. Idk why it’s so hard for people to discuss how they’re paying before they order.
I think you reach a point in life where everyone sifting through the bill and paying for what they had to the penny only starts to become a bit tacky and if you’ve all eaten vaguely similar things then you should just split it and not quibble over £5 between best friends.
But…. This wasn’t £5, they spent WAY more than you and personally I think the gracious thing to do when splitting the bill is for the people who know they’ve spent substantially more than other people to put it on the table that if people want to just pay for their own or they can chip in more to cover the disparity then that’s fine. It shouldn’t be up to the person who is being expected to double the price of their meal to subsidise their friends to point out that those friends are being inconsiderate, those friends should be being mindful of it themselves. Lots of people who are on a tight budget find themselves in this position, or it’s natural for a friendship group over time to find that some people have just got far more disposable income and for the high earners they should be being conscious of not putting their lower earning/lower budget friends in uncomfortable positions (obviously you haven’t said this was done for budget reasons – but your friends can’t ever really know why you didn’t have that drink or that desert or whatever and should be mindful of that fact). You didn’t make it awkward at all, they made it awkward by trying to shame you around money. You weren’t penny pinching to 50p, you just wanted to pay the ballpark amount for the food you ate and your friends who wanted to push the boat out should be able to do that freely but not expect that anyone not participating will be chipping in!
As it doesn’t sound like the birthday girl’s meal was being covered (and in the UK I wouldn’t expect it to be so I think this point is going to depend on the norm in your friendship group) I also think you’re NTA on this point too.
ESH, mostly because you didn’t throw $10 towards birthday girl. Rest of them knew what was going down; don’t attend messy group things if you aren’t ready for an even split, or find a new group to do it with. Expectations should be set up front if you are paying solo.
YTA – No one likes getting screwed over on an even bill split when other people ordered more food and drink, but it’s the kind of thing you should ideally bring up before everyone orders. Once everyone is saying they want to split it evenly and you’re the lone holdout, you have to convince them that you’re right. Sending a Venmo and leaving probably felt rude to your friends. You didn’t like how a group decision was going, so you decided to unilaterally do your own thing. Given how judgy some of your comments about your friends drinking have been, it seems like you probably came off as pretty self-righteous when you felt like you were “calmly explaining” your reasoning.
It depends. I mean I think generally if there is a huge disparity, like there was here, everyone should be cool with the person with the low total paying less. However, this was a birthday dinner, so I think you should take steps to make things as seamless as possible. You didn’t chip in for your friend’s birthday meal, you didn’t ask for a separate check. I think sometimes you have to realize there is a cost to going out as a big group or for an event and you have to be flexible – if you’re not willing to go with the flow (nothing was stopping you from ordering an extra side or a mocktail if you wanted to try to even things out), then you have to help things flow.
YTA 100%. Birthday dinner. Expected to split. If you wanted to do it your way you needed to set that expectation up front. Also: 1. You only added 10% for tip, and 2. You didn’t pay your part of the birthday person’s meal.
You are a selfish asshole.
I think if it were any other type of restaurant I’d be on your side but it’s a Tapas place. It is completely reasonable to expect everyone to split everything t a Tapas place. YTA
Edit: oh wait you ate and drank other people’s food. YTA no matter what then
Why do these repetitive posts go up? You know the restaurant you’re going to. There’s a thing called the internet, you know. You can look up the menu online. If it’s not appealing to you, or is “too swanky”, and the group has split the bill evenly in the past, and you don’t want to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, just don’t go. No one is putting you in handcuffs and compelling you to go. There’s no subpoena. Use your $30 to buy a present for your friend instead. YTA
ESH.
You aren’t the asshole for not wanting to cover for the extravagance of your friends, but you are the asshole for not throwing in a little extra to help cover the birthday girl’s meal. Not to mention tax & tip.
You said you “rounded up” from $27 to $30, which honestly covers tax, but not any of the tip, and I am assuming everyone pitched in to cover for the birthday girl.
Your friends are assholes for expecting you to pay extra for their extras, but not for expecting you to also share the expense for your friend Jess. I mean, she is why you were all there, right?
You should have doubled the $27, at least, and then rounded up to $60. I feel that would have been fair.
NTA—Jess’s boyfriend should have paid for his and hers. What kind of man invites a bunch of people to celebrate his girlfriend‘s birthday and asks everybody to subsidize it?? What a tool.
This question comes up on the regular, along with the one about not giving up a seat on an airplane and the one about refusing to babysit your sister’s offspring.
Do you really need to ask? Tell the server you want a separate check when you order.
You said the answer in your post. You’re technically right, but could have read the room better.
My rule of thumb (and I think most people’s)- when you’re at a big birthday dinner, you should go in expecting to split the bill evenly between everyone besides the birthday person.
There is a time and place to be frugal and money conscious and strictly pay what you owe. A large group dinner for someone’s birthday is not one of those times.
Edit: Reddit will by and large disagree with this because they are, as a cohort, overly online penny pinching contrarians. But I guarantee you this is how normal, self aware people in friend groups behave.
Maybe just chalk this up to a learning experience. I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting to pay double because you didn’t partake in ordering the same meal/drinks that everyone else did- that’s fair. I do think, it’s typically expected that friends cover the guest of honor’s meal and I don’t think it’s something that is discussed because it’s already expected. You’re young- lesson learned. If in the future, you worry about splitting bills, then state that ahead of time, and gauge whether or not you should attend on their reactions. I also have recently developed some allergies which prevent me from sharing, but for me personally, it’s more about enjoying a great dinner with my friends, so I will absolutely contribute to everyone having a great time.
Don’t go to a group dinner without clarifying the payment plan beforehand. This same scenario is on Reddit every day.
YTA. Bigtime. Huge.
I understand where you’re coming from as I’ve frequently been in a similar position (don’t drink, have limited food option I can order) but if you’re particular about how a bill is split, it’s important to bring it up in advance to avoid the situation you found yourself in.
My experience with birthday dinners is that the birthday person has their meal covered by the group. The organizer of the dinner should have made clear how it would be split but you should have also asked in advance if it was an area of concern for you. And if you didn’t agree with the decision, you could have backed out earlier.
NTA. Paying for everybody else stuff is stupid. I’m saying this as somebody who always orders more than everyone else.
When will people learn to just say UP FRONT that you will be covering your own tab? You can do this by asking the waiter for a separate check at the outset. Or you can mention it when people are ordering. Like a grownup with grownup words.
NTA.
I’m someone who will pick up the bill if I invite a friend out because it was my idea. At that many individuals If it wasn’t previously spoken about and I wasn’t surprising them by covering just the birthday person -or- the entire table it’s separate checks for everyone.
In groups of that size you state this before ordering and decide who is going to be the banker. Bogus move dropping coin and walking out. I greatly doubt you only had a $27 bill. Tapas is never cheap. You got at least 2 plates. You need a decent tip and then do so for the person you were taking out. This sucks for the responsible one that has to do the math and collect. Not cool.
NTA. People who expect others to pay for them are the ones being cheap. But I would have thrown in an extra 10 to pay for part of the birthday person’s share.
Ok, where do so many people find these absolute leeches for friends? In my friend group, we literally play games like “going to the bathroom” in the middle of the meal to secretly pay the whole bill, and no one ever orders anything more expensive than the payer if someone insists on paying upfront. Nor would anyone, if we somehow ended up in a situation like this, expect someone who ordered that much less to equally split the bill. Maybe I just got really lucky on that front, but your friends kinda seem greedy.
On the other hand, where I am from, everyone would automatically expect to kick in to pay for the birthday boy/girl. So it’s really weird to me, especially where is sounds like that is normal in your group, that you didn’t kick in $10 or so for the birthday girl’s meal. That does, in fact, seem awkwardly cheap to me.
ESH. Them more than you.
NTA. I stopped going out with a group monthly because of this exact scenario. I also do not drink, and was frustrated with paying more than double what i owed to cover everyone else’s alcohol tab.
Nta. You came up for your self
Have you ever noticed that it’s the people that eat and drink the most, money wise, that want to split the bill evenly?
Light YTA but mostly because you didn’t chip in a little extra to cover for the birthday person, that’s a little tacky. I get not wanting to pay for other guests drinks or whatever but you should have paid for a portion of the birthday persons tab.
NTA. I’m never paying for someone to order lots of alcohol when I don’t drink.
I know so many people who would say that that was wrong but that’s an asshole take. Pay for what you used. If someone wants to chip in more they can?
NTA. Just because it’s someone’s birthday doesn’t mean your wallet should suddenly become communal. I never understood this about birthdays.
NTA.
Screw those guys. I’m definitely on board with this. As a server, it is NOT any easier to split it individually or as a split check 7 ways. Either way you’re* dragging items around a screen into individual checks or splitting it out. It sucks unless 1 person just PAYS IT ALL. Your friends are all assholes. Just pay for what you order and don’t be an asshole who “shares an appetizer”. Order it yourself and share if you’re nice, but YOU ordered it, YOU pay for it. Ugh.
NTA didn’t even have to read the post to know you’re in the right. I don’t understand splitting the bill evenly. It’s simple, I’ll pay for me, you pay for you. End of story.
People calling you cheap are the ones expecting you to subsidize their night out. Take anyone who is bitching off your contact list.
NTA
The replies here make me wonder if anyone on Reddit actually eats out in groups.
Asshole might be a strong term for this, but it’s absolutely a cheap ass move and would make me reconsider inviting you to group events. You say you split evenly “when things were similar” which is cheap ass behavior. The idea of being friends in a group is that it goes around and comes around. Split evenly all the time and you should never feel slighted.
Nice, $27 plus tax and tip = $30. “Rounded up”. Yes. absolutely YTA
NTA. Don’t make me tap the sign!
The sign:
Splitting the bill evenly is for: when everyone gets about the same thing, when you’re with a small group of 1-3 others with whom you’re all deep friends, you and everyone else have very deep pockets, and/or when it’s been agreed to ahead of time to go dutch or split a bill
Splitting the bill evenly is NOT for: large groups especially if many people have wildly different personal totals.
Restaurant software and table side card processing is now sophisticated enough where in most restaurants, it’s very easy for people to individually pay for their meals. Splitting it evenly may have made more sense for large tickets when that was a very hard/impossible request of restaurant staff.
OP, the move is, when you see that the bill is going to be very large ahead of time and you think they might want to split, find the server and arrange to close out ahead of the bill coming. “Oh, I already closed out.”
NTA but next time speak up before you order “I’m getting my own bill, but am willing to contribute to the birthday girl’s meal.” I’ll bet the guy that wants an even split ordered the most food. I found that out on vacation with a couple of women who wanted to split the bill and went on to order 2 appetizers, 3drinks each, entrees and then 2 desserts. I called the waitress over and asked for a separate bill. They were offended, sorry big deal! I was offended by your selfishness!
Lesson for next time – talk about it before anyone places and order. Most places are fine with preparing separate checks.
NTA. “It’s her birthday.” Great, her boyfriend who suggested an even split should pony up for her. Unless the invite mentioned splitting evenly, then paying for ones own order should be expected. One should never be expected to pay for another’s libations if one does not imbibe.
It is a bit more work for the server. But, after my uncles funeral, my cousins who had worked in the service industry helped expedite the ordering and payment for a 20 top when they were trying to close on a tuesday.
NTA. I don’t get why people split the bill evenly instead of just paying for what they eat; honestly I’ve never seen that in the wild but maybe it’s a cultural thing.
NTA but next te, just discuss this upfront, so you avoid the discussion after. Then you can also determine boundries such as no expensive cocktails or dishes, bit orders in the range of x amount of money.
NTA ffs people are ridiculous
it could have been better communicated with expectation of birthday person meal to be covered split group wise along with your own. If you were ordering on your own, I always ask the server if it’s ok to get separate bills. I’ve done both ways; I only pay my own bill in a large group setting where I may not know everyone well, but with my own girlfriends group I eat out frequently, we split group evenly regardless of what we all had.
NTA, But I think you should have paid for what you ate, plus a portion of Jess’s because that’s normally how it’s done on birthdays.
Nope
Isn’t this the plot to a Friends episode
INFO: I guess i don’t understand, this whole splitting the bill evenly has never been a thing where I live. At the end of the meal the waitress/waiter will ask us if it’s split or together..
Why doesn’t the waitress/waiter just charge you for the food you personally ordered?
Alcohol can be a major cost, and I don’t drink. I am not paying for other people’s shots and cocktails when I am on tapwater and also drive some of them home. Our group usually agrees in advance that people look after their own booze tab. The food bill is generally divided equally after that, with a tip added from rounding up.
ESH. Always clarify at the beginning of a group meal how you’re handling the bill. I’m usually the first one to request separate checks.
You should have chipped in on birthday girl’s meal.
NTA. Splitting bills evenly is fine, but certainly not the only way. Everyone paying for what they ordered is equally fine.
The biggest problem with splitting the check is exactly what happened here. If people think the check is being split, they start to ensure that they get more than they paid for, which means someone else must get less. Everyone else ordered steak? If I order surf and turf, I’ll get a little discount on it. Everyone is having two cocktails? My third and fourth will be cheap. In extreme situations (posted on this site), someone orders an extra entree and has it boxed up for home.
There needs to be a level of trust and willingness to work with your friends that doesn’t seem to be here for splitting a bill evenly to be a normal thing.
(And FTR, this is one of the shorter AITA posts I’ve read.)
[deleted]
Why does it always have to be “ask to have the bill split” or “everyone pay the same”?
It’s really not that difficult to look at a bill and determine who owes what.
Tapas is one of the few times I expect to just split evenly but only when we’re all sharing.
NTA
Splitting is for when everyone shares or everyone ordered similar things
The decision on how to split the bill should always be made BEFORE people order. I suspect one of the people who suggested it (or nodded along) ate steak and drank lovely cocktails. Always, always say you’ll pay your portion plus (whatever the share is) of the birthday person, plus tip. Let the rest of them fight it out.
NAH.
It’s generally much easier to split evenly, especially because if the check isn’t split in the computer system, then it’s ass to add up each person’s bill individually and add tip and tax. Not impossible, just ass.
But if you don’t care about easy, and you’re willing to make a fuss, it’s not like it’s unfair. But some people will be salty about the extra hassle and awkwardness of pushing against the group dynamic.
Ah another ai spin on not splitting the bill
Hey Mr or Mrs Ai here’s a prompt
An uncontrollable brain disease where it infected a whole hospital but ops partner is like a Sherlock Holmes like Dr with a cane and an addiction to prescription drugs maybe with a team made of a rag tag group of scallys
NTA. Splitting the bill evenly only works when everyone basically orders similar things. You could split the birthday person’s meal without splitting the whole table, or this could be discussed in advance.