I (31m) have been having some financial disagreements with my fiancé (29f) lately and started thinking more about my fiancés financial past before I met her. There was a house she had purchased cash (she claims) for over $300k. Her mom passed away a few years prior when she was about 22 and she was able to receive a considerable amount of money from her mom’s passing in the form of life insurance money, which is how she afforded the home purchase.
At the moment she is completely broke. She has several part time jobs, but she is basically on her last few dollars. This led me to wonder where all the money from her house sale went since she would have total equity in the house if it was bought cash. I don’t see how someone could go through over $300,000 in 5 years. When I asked her about this she became very angry with me and told me I would never understand. She said she was a 22 year old girl with no other parents since her mom passed and her dad was not in her life so she had no other financial help.
She said she had to buy cars (she got in a wreck in one of her previous cars and got a large settlement from this). I don’t remember the exact amount, but I do know it was a large sum and easily enough to cover the cost of her car and then some. She has a note on her current car. She said she had to pay for college tuition as well, but I believe she was in her last few years at the time and her tuition was under $10k per semester. She didn’t finish college so I don’t know how much she spent on college after her mom’s passing.
She admitted to me all of the money is gone and I’m just wondering how it happened. I hate to admit it, but I’m judging her pretty hard since she blew through over $300k in a matter of 5 years. We live in a pretty low cost state as well. She attributes it to her being young and not having any parents to help her. It makes me really worried how she might be with large amounts of money. AITA?
TLDR; I (31m) found out my (29f) fiancé spent around $300k over the course of 5 years. She was in college some of the time. Her mother had passed a few years prior to obtaining this money and her father was not in her life. I can’t help to judge her based on this spending, but don’t know if it was justified. AITA?
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I (31m) have been having some financial disagreements with my fiancé (29f) lately and started thinking more about my fiancés financial past before I met her. There was a house she had purchased cash (she claims) for over $300k. Her mom passed away a few years prior when she was about 22 and she was able to receive a considerable amount of money from her mom’s passing in the form of life insurance money, which is how she afforded the home purchase.
At the moment she is completely broke. She has several part time jobs, but she is basically on her last few dollars. This led me to wonder where all the money from her house sale went since she would have total equity in the house if it was bought cash. I don’t see how someone could go through over $300,000 in 5 years. When I asked her about this she became very angry with me and told me I would never understand. She said she was a 22 year old girl with no other parents since her mom passed and her dad was not in her life so she had no other financial help.
She said she had to buy cars (she got in a wreck in one of her previous cars and got a large settlement from this). I don’t remember the exact amount, but I do know it was a large sum and easily enough to cover the cost of her car and then some. She has a note on her current car. She said she had to pay for college tuition as well, but I believe she was in her last few years at the time and her tuition was under $10k per semester. She didn’t finish college so I don’t know how much she spent on college after her mom’s passing.
She admitted to me all of the money is gone and I’m just wondering how it happened. I hate to admit it, but I’m judging her pretty hard since she blew through over $300k in a matter of 5 years. We live in a pretty low cost state as well. She attributes it to her being young and not having any parents to help her. It makes me really worried how she might be with large amounts of money. AITA?
TLDR; I (31m) found out my (29f) fiancé spent around $300k over the course of 5 years. She was in college some of the time. Her mother had passed a few years prior to obtaining this money and her father was not in her life. I can’t help to judge her based on this spending, but don’t know if it was justified. AITA?
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> I might be the asshole since I’m judging my fiance’s spending habits that were during a very hard time in her life following her mom’s passing
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
300k over 5 years is $60k year. Is she working or supporting herself from this money?
Not a judgment on either you or your fiancé.
300K in 5 years is 60K a year. Not sure whether or not you live in a HCOL area, but 60K could be reasonable, sort of.
Yes, you have reason to be concerned and frankly I would ask for openness in anticipation of marriage.
Cars are pricey, and might take a big chunk of the annual 60K.
Definitely NTA, 300k in 5yrs? that’s a lot. I think she had a “lifestyle creep” because of the sudden money she got and she wasn’t financially responsible ready for that kind of money
Depends on where y are but $60,000 is below minimum wage here. DC
ESH If she was living entirely off that money, it’s feasible she went through that much in 5 years. However, the problem isn’t that she spent it at all, it’s that she gets defensive when you talk to her about, and it sounds like you are already passing judgment on how she spent it. It definitely needs to be worked out if you are about to marry. Maybe an appointment with a financial counselor, for both of you, with both of you presenting spreadsheets going back as five years and a write up of your financial approaches, assets, etc. If she used most of that to buy a house outright, that’s a substantial investment you don’t seem to have given much thought to, and she has that house, which has value and no mortgage. Work together. Walking away is still an option, for both of you, but maybe you should try talking first, from a place of NO judgment, and preferably with a third party qualified person present.
NTA – I wouldn’t hound her about the past, but I do think it’s a good idea to have a serious talk about money. How you’re going to handle expenses, outlooks on spending money and saving money when you’re able, what do you each think is a reasonable amount of money to spend on -clothes, electronics, whatever else
Info: what is the interpersonal conflict? It seems as though you are struggling to accept your fiancée’s financial choices and concern for your future, but those are all internal worries.
It’s odd that you are just asking these questions now; didn’t you have discussions about finances before you were engaged?
Question: Are you projecting some poverty/financial trauma from your own life, or do you not respect your girlfriend’s choices in general?
Being confused or curious about how this amount of money could be spent is normal. “Judging someone hard” speaks to deeper feelings.
YTA. It’s not uncommon for people to blow thru life insurance proceeds and inheritances when they are dealing with grief and trauma from a loved one’s death. Throw in that your fiancee was very young when her mom died and it sounds like didn’t have good financial knowledge at that time and it’s even more likely. I highly encourage you to judge less and be curious more.
people who do have economic and social safety nets actually have no idea how expensive it is to be a truly solo person. no one to call to pick you up when you run out of gas, no one to call to borrow 10k when your house needs a new HVAC, etc. if you really look into this you might begin to understand. also, 300k/5 years is something like 60k per year. that ain’t nothing for a person, let alone if you’re in college, son. its not a good FT salary in most places. additionally, coming into that much money as a young person with no parents, yes, you will inevitably spend it in a way you would look back on with regret. I would venture as to say she probably knows about money in a way that you frankly never will.
its easy to look at a person and judge them but this is actually a common phenomenon for young people who lose their parents. if you approach her without judgement, you might be able to understand where she is coming from and where she wants to go, and actually see strength in her situation. if you lost both of your parents before the age of 23, you might have ended up half naked on the street with a bad glue addiction. that’s where a lot of folks end up. sorry babe its a YTA for me.
Edited for typos
I don’t think you’re an AH for being curious and asking. This was all before you were together, right? If you’re internally like whoa that’s pretty crazy then that’s fine. Are you expressing your judgement to her? Unclear on that.
Considering you’re engaged, I would hope this is more of a passing judgement than something you’re holding onto. You obviously need to discuss how your finances are going to work together regardless of this situation. So I would be more so “judging” her on how she is currently handling money and how you’re able to work together on how you’ll be combining or sorting out finances. I don’t see too much point in continuing to judge her over something that’s well and truly over before you were together. Just to have conversations about how you’ll be managing your money moving forward (and you don’t really even need to mention this 300k in 5 years thing again during this conversation because I expect that will put her on the defense).
If you have or are expecting large amounts of money in a lump sum, obviously you would discuss how you’re going to handle that together too. You’re a team now so you make those decisions together. Unless she’s currently taking large amounts from a combined account to spend excessively then this is an issue that lives in the past.
If you marry this woman you are completely insane.
She cannot be trusted with money. If you get married, her debts become yours. The fact that she is being secretive about the money should make you pause about everything, including the wedding.
Yeah. I’ve seen this several times actually. And much worse. It’s a string of poor choices and being young and financially illiterate. A strong financial advisor would have at least counseled her. It could have provided her education years, or a home. But it was over committed without a clear cut goal. And what it couldn’t do was actual replace income.
What she has to do now is work. And that’s the problem. Not so much how she made mistakes after losing her Mom and being young, but how she is going to address the future. You want a partner. Not a dependent that is seeking enabling.
NTA for wondering. She didn’t finish college and instead of trying to get a full time job has several part time jobs. For a 29 y/o without any family or safety net it’s fair to question why she didn’t prioritize establishing a career, and make sure that she does have the kind of work and financial goals that would make her a good partner.
I mean I think you’re thinking she spent more than she actually had lol. This is like a post where I’d expect the amount to be 10 million or something
Nah…I think the real question is how much does she understand finances and building a financial future. Her parent may not have given her the tools that you’ve developed. You and she may need to go to a financial advisor and create a plan that is more concrete than living day to day like she did when her mom passed. She may have been defensive because you admittedly were shocked and maybe a little judgemental. I think I’d go at this from a place of compassion and not worry about how she behaved as a young adult after her only support system died and would only consider this a problem if she was unwilling to learn sound financial principals and follow them going forward
NTA – though I would highly recommend going through finances in a non judgmental way before you marry this person and how life will look like after marriage and what both your goals are.
Money is usually one of the biggest factors in divorce so definitely talk this out seriously.
Info: I’m confused- does she still own the house? Did she sell it?
300k over 5 years is only 60k/year. It is a lot but I could see someone who is financially illiterate and grieving to go through it. Especially with zero parental guidance available.
Maybe before committing you both need to get some financial counselling to see if you are actually compatible and if she is willing to budget better.
Or if you are financially literate you could teach her and make a budget and figure it out from there.
The past is the past, but you are NTA for wanting to be sure you are getting into a marriage that supports your life goals and values.
Gee, I remember being 22. And I pinched pennies so hard that Abraham Lincoln screamed. If I’d been handed that much money, it would have gone for a monthly dinner out and the rest saved.
This isn’t someone I personally would consider building a future with. I know it’s sounds harsh but I wouldn’t want to face this person in divorce court and kids. Watch out she doesn’t baby trap you. There’s just so many red flags.
I’m gonna say YTA for judging your financé as your question asks. I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be alert to the facts you have so far not adding up and to want to know more about the bigger picture, but your judgement of your partner, during what was probably one of the most challenging times in her life, is what I think could make or break your relationship.
Approaching the conversation with curiosity and understanding (so that you can create a safe environment to hear more from your fiancé) would be the best thing. If you pry with judgement or receive her story with judgement then you won’t uphold a safe space and will introduce a dynamic that creates tension.
I’m not sure what purpose it would serve for your fiancé to open up and elaborate on some regrettable financial history if you are going to be judgemental.
Approach the conversation after you have stopped comparing yourself to her by imagining you would have done better. It seems you think you are better than her? I can’t imagine her accepting support on a potential issue if she’s acutely aware this is how you feel. It adds no value to think in this way. Being neutral, open minded and prepared to problem solve will help you to collaborate and figure out if you both want to work on being on the same page.
It’s difficult to understand how someone else thinks and handles money when you are very good with yours. So judging one over their previous life choices is very common. As long as you are not putting her down for it.(young, dumb and broke). You need to just handle things from here on out. You explained she never had someone to look to for help and guidance for to explain the options of savings.
Keep it in the back of your mind, but give her the respect that she deserves and try to help her understand how to handle money. Don’t be authoritative, just guidance on the options of choosing.
If you see yourself long term with her, you know you just need to keep your financial independence. Set up an account that you do not use except for living expenses (rent, utilities, and just a little extra for emergency) and not to be touched for anything else.
If it gets to marriage, you still keep the financial independence, with the joint account. Before talking about the marriage, you both really need to talk about a prenups.