I’m 19, the oldest daughter, and I live with my dad since my parents divorced when I was young. I’ve always had a good relationship with my mom and even wanted to live with her, but she constantly had money problems and unsafe relationships, which I didn’t fully understand back then.
Then she met A her first long-term boyfriend and the only one I remember. He was nice, brought me gifts, and seemed to make her happy so I was happy for her. Later, she got pregnant with my little brother and A left her. The stress from pregnancy and severe financial issues caused serious health complications for her during pregnancy and birth. My dad ended up supporting her through it, and I began to notice the severity of her struggles.
A year later, A came back. My mom forgave him and moved in with him, even though he lived two hours away, meaning I had to take public transport to visit. Things seemed fine for a while, but their relationship worsened lots of arguing and screaming. His mental health clearly wasn’t good, and my mom eventually moved away.
I was relieved. For the first time, she had her own flat and could focus on herself e.g getting a driver’s license, pursuing education and just in general improve herself. Then she met B. He was nice at first but often left for vacations or to visit family, so I didn’t think they were serious. Initially, both agreed on not having kids, but he changed his mind, insisting that having a child would “make them a real family” and give them a special bond.
My mom has serious back problems that require surgery and physical therapy, so she kept saying no. I didn’t like him after that, but she got pregnant anyway. When she told me, I cried. I told her not to repeat the same mistake, I said he wouldn’t treat her well, she wouldn’t get the medical treatment she needed, and she’d lose the chance for a driver’s license or further education.
Because of B’s irresponsibility, her government assistance was temporarily cut, and I had to help her fix it. I also began to hate him because of how he treated my little brother from her first relationship constantly belittling and emotionally abusing him. My brother already has difficulties, and it’s starting to affect him deeply. I try to step in when I can, but I’m not always there, and my mom is too weak to take real action, thinking she can “talk him into changing.”
After two years, he’s only gotten worse and it’s not just my brother he mistreats but my mom as well. He left her alone when their son was a newborn and still spends little time with the child he insisted on having. He criticizes everything about her (looks, her past).
I’ve told her to break up with him, get more government help, and be more independenent. She says she’s too afraid to be alone and can’t do it on her own. I reassure her she has options and that I’ll be there for her, but she doesn’t act.
We recently fought about it and I can feel the strain in our relationship. am I doing something wrong?
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I’m 19, the oldest daughter, and I live with my dad since my parents divorced when I was young. I’ve always had a good relationship with my mom and even wanted to live with her, but she constantly had money problems and unsafe relationships, which I didn’t fully understand back then.
Then she met A her first long-term boyfriend and the only one I remember. He was nice, brought me gifts, and seemed to make her happy so I was happy for her. Later, she got pregnant with my little brother and A left her. The stress from pregnancy and severe financial issues caused serious health complications for her during pregnancy and birth. My dad ended up supporting her through it, and I began to notice the severity of her struggles.
A year later, A came back. My mom forgave him and moved in with him, even though he lived two hours away, meaning I had to take public transport to visit. Things seemed fine for a while, but their relationship worsened lots of arguing and screaming. His mental health clearly wasn’t good, and my mom eventually moved away.
I was relieved. For the first time, she had her own flat and could focus on herself e.g getting a driver’s license, pursuing education and just in general improve herself. Then she met B. He was nice at first but often left for vacations or to visit family, so I didn’t think they were serious. Initially, both agreed on not having kids, but he changed his mind, insisting that having a child would “make them a real family” and give them a special bond.
My mom has serious back problems that require surgery and physical therapy, so she kept saying no. I didn’t like him after that, but she got pregnant anyway. When she told me, I cried. I told her not to repeat the same mistake, I said he wouldn’t treat her well, she wouldn’t get the medical treatment she needed, and she’d lose the chance for a driver’s license or further education.
Because of B’s irresponsibility, her government assistance was temporarily cut, and I had to help her fix it. I also began to hate him because of how he treated my little brother from her first relationship constantly belittling and emotionally abusing him. My brother already has difficulties, and it’s starting to affect him deeply. I try to step in when I can, but I’m not always there, and my mom is too weak to take real action, thinking she can “talk him into changing.”
After two years, he’s only gotten worse and it’s not just my brother he mistreats but my mom as well. He left her alone when their son was a newborn and still spends little time with the child he insisted on having. He criticizes everything about her (looks, her past).
I’ve told her to break up with him, get more government help, and be more independenent. She says she’s too afraid to be alone and can’t do it on her own. I reassure her she has options and that I’ll be there for her, but she doesn’t act.
We recently fought about it and I can feel the strain in our relationship. am I doing something wrong?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to know if I’m being too harsh on her not being able to leave the relationship when she’s already dependent on him. Should I be more understanding of her situation and the complexity of her relationship?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I have to say the only AH here is the boyfriend. I think NAH.
Your mom is in an abusive relationship. Sad as it may be to see someone go thru that and we want to get them out of it. It has to be their choice.
Unfortunately as a DV victim. I can say the hardest and most dangerous situation I put myself was when I said I was done and left my abuser.
Ppl would tell me that im so much better and I could do better ( I am now after a lot of hard work but still struggle) but id come home to mean words saying im not good enough. No one would ever love me or want me and he was all I had. Then would put his hands on me to cement the idea. (Only in places ppl couldnt see). Then apologize and promise never again. There was always a next time.
It would counteract the words that ppl were saying to me. I didnt believe that I could do anything and I was too scared. Until someone an older adult, saw what was going on and stepped in and helped me.
While I get it you want to help your mom. She’s gotta make those choices and you’ve gotta move on and focus but leave a door open for her.
Eta: she may also think she is protecting your little brother because if shes not around to take the most of the abuse he would do worse than he is now to the child. Its also pretty hard to get full custody no visitation without serious record of abuse.
I am so sorry this is happening. Sounds like you are very empathetic and greatly distressed by your mother’s poor choices and the effect on your younger siblings by the men she chooses to be with. Are there social services available where you live? Maybe report the situation to social services. They are more skilled at sorting out sometimes. Your dad seems to have a good heart, in that he helped your mom in the past. Have you asked him? NTH at all.. certainly the men in your mom’s life are and you have every right to judge her actions.. you have been present for all of her terrible choices.
NTA
I am so sorry you’re going through this.