I (30F) just found out that my grandma left a small inheritance (I don’t know the amount) to her kids (my dad and his sister). Before my grandma passed in 2015, she mentioned that she wanted money to be given to my sister and I from the sale of her house but we never received anything.
My sister dropped out of college to take care of my grandma when she got dimentia. I did not because I was almost done with my degree. My dad and aunt didn’t care for her.
Well this year my aunt started proposing these “family dinners” at nice restaurants and the bill would always come out to about $500-600 for all of us. A family friend was invited and asked to please pitch in but aunt was lile “oh this is on my mom. We use the money to pay for these family dinners.”
I think if I tell my sister – she would truly cut everyone off and go thru a serious depression. She’s in a bad financial situation and I feel like my family would be mad if I told her what I heard.
I don’t need the money but she definitely does. I don’t know what to do. AITAH if I just dont say anything to keep the peace?
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I (30F) just found out that my grandma left a small inheritance (I don’t know the amount) to her kids (my dad and his sister). Before my grandma passed in 2015, she mentioned that she wanted money to be given to my sister and I from the sale of her house but we never received anything.
My sister dropped out of college to take care of my grandma when she got dimentia. I did not because I was almost done with my degree. My dad and aunt didn’t care for her.
Well this year my aunt started proposing these “family dinners” at nice restaurants and the bill would always come out to about $500-600 for all of us. A family friend was invited and asked to please pitch in but aunt was lile “oh this is on my mom. We use the money to pay for these family dinners.”
I think if I tell my sister – she would truly cut everyone off and go thru a serious depression. She’s in a bad financial situation and I feel like my family would be mad if I told her what I heard.
I don’t need the money but she definitely does. I don’t know what to do. AITAH if I just dont say anything to keep the peace?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH
Your grandmother made the choice to distribute her assets to her children instead of adjusting to her grandchildren.
I feel that telling your sister this is more harmful than not. No need to taint your sister’s memory of your grandmother. See if you can negotiate with your father to help your sister out or help her yourself.
Info: is there an enforceable will or trust left behind by your grandma? It sucks that if this was your grandmas wish, that your dad and aunt are not honoring it. The fact that she had dementia and said this in her final days will make it difficult for you and your sister to recoup any inheritance.
To be honest…i am conflicted. Your dad/aunt would be the assholes if this was your grandma’s wish.
Info: Have you actually seen the will (if there was one)?
If there’s a will, you should get a look at it and see if it’s being executed properly. If so, end of story. If it’s not being executed properly, you can tell the executor to correct the error (or fraud or whatever it may be).
If there’s no will, presumably the estate would be split evenly between the children — as it was.
NTA to tell your sister what your grandma said. I think it would make her feel good to learn of the intention. Even if the intention never led to an updating of the will, which is unfortunate if true.
damn, your sister dropped out of school to care for their parent, her grandmother- and now that she needs financial assistance your family is buying family dinners! Tell your sister so she can cut them off. If you don’t she will find her self taking care of your other family members (dad and aunt), and that will be a true injustice done to your sister twice in life. She would not and should not be taking care of anyone else in that family. Don’t let her get used again.
It doesn’t matter what your grandmother said to you. All that matters is what was in the will. You admit your gran had dementia.
If you genuinely thought you had been left the house why didn’t you talk to your dad while the will was in probate?
Have you contacted a lawyer to fully explore your options?
Ask you Dad what the will said. If he was one of her children, he should know. Easy to solve this mystery & find out if she actually left you guys anything.
Everyone talking about the will is right.
It sounds like youre not on the best terms with your Aunt, but if you can find the tone to appeal to her with, maybe you can talk to her.
Everyone usually has a way to be charmed – if you can say to her, look – sister is really bad off and she took such good care of Grandma – is there any room to give her some as a thank you. You’d really save her, etc. Maybe she would?
I think that if you don’t tell her and the money is being misused or appropriated by a relative – any relative – you will be complicit in that relative’s wrongdoing. It may be that your grandma lacked the cognitive ability to understand what the implications were for what she was saying to you, never told that to anyone else, it was not in her Will, and/or the profits from her house went to pay debts, for her funeral, legal fees, bequests in the will, or medical bills. I think that you should probably ask for a conversation with your dad and your sister relating what your grandmother said – making it clear that you’re asking for clarification rather than accusing anyone. That way, your sister is aware of both your grandmother’s words and whatever clarification your father offers.
YTA for keeping this from her. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like your grandmother legally secured funds for your sister and yourself. That doesn’t mean your dad and aunt have a right to use and abuse your sisters kindness.
You don’t need the money because you were able to complete your education. You’re sister is financially vulnerable because she gave up her education to care for the family. She has every right to know, to be mad about it, and to cut them off over it.
If you can’t solve the problem and your sister would have a rage attack, I’m not sure why you want to tell her? Sounds like a one time off hand comment that grandma made that she didn’t follow-up on in her will.
In addition to what was in the will, accounts of various types often pass directly to named beneficiaries. For example, a bank acct. So it’s possible this money was from something like that.
Overall, settling an estate is very complicated, and that’s just one example. You can look up if a will was ever probated for her, it’s public record.
NTA get in touch with grandmas attorney because you and sis may have a share
Tell your sister to talk to the lawyer for the estate. Legally she’s entitled to that money (or not, who knows?! What was in the will?) and should access it.
Support her (don’t trash talk her) to get her entitlement. You are her sister, she deserves her money given she gave up her degree.
YWBTA if you do not tell her, yes. She gave up a significantly increased income for life to look after your grandmother.
Don’t say anything to your sister but maybe tell your dad and aunt what your grandma wanted?
Make it clear you don’t want anything, you just want your grandma’s wishes fulfilled especially given your sister cared for her for so long at the end
You say there’s no proof of anything which tells me it wasn’t put into the will. That means your sister wasn’t left an inheritance. It’s unfortunate, but the will determines who actually has an inheritance. YWBTA because she doesn’t have an inheritance from grandma. You are also TA for leaving out the fact that Grandma was “terrible” (does this mean abusive?) to your aunt. That’s important to know.
Also why are you only asking this 10 years after grandma passed? That’s long enough for the estate to be settled. The time to ask about this was when it was in probate. That was the time to ask if anything could have been given to sister in appreciation of her caregiving.
It sounds like your aunt is doing the meals to try and spread some of the funds to those not included in the will. If so this is generous of her. She’s under no obligation to share anything she inherited.
Gees that’s horrible nothing you can do aboutit . Definitely keep things as quiet as you can for her mental health but in someway you will need to say something slowly in the future. If your sister finds out everything at once I totally agree would devastate her.
NTA not sure I totally understand. If grandma is gone, sorry for your loss, the will I’m assuming is already settled. Has the house sold? If so no you’re not getting anything. Whatever granny said unless she put it in the will it’s not happening. Don’t say anything because it doesn’t sound like your dad or aunt are sharing at this time.