I 27 M and my 26 YO F counter part have been dating for well over a year. For the most part we live together at her grandparents house and we both stay in the same room. Anyways I asked her if she could grab me a bright light and some tweezers which she did. I was in the room at this point and I messaged her saying “ hey I’m gonna be doing something in the room and the door is locked so if you need give me a heads up and I can make sure to unlock it if you need to get in”. The only reason I was even using the room was because the bathroom light was completely out as well. Anyways fast forward she wants to know what it is I was doing and I told her that it’s personal but she is very angry with me. She told me don’t ever do anything In her house again if I can’t tell her what it is. I mean personally I just didn’t want to explain what it is I was doing as it’s quite personal. Now she is basically saying that im not trustworthy and hiding something.
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I 27 M and my 26 YO F counter part have been dating for well over a year. For the most part we live together at her grandparents house and we both stay in the same room. Anyways I asked her if she could grab me a bright light and some tweezers which she did. I was in the room at this point and I messaged her saying “ hey I’m gonna be doing something in the room and the door is locked so if you need give me a heads up and I can make sure to unlock it if you need to get in”. The only reason I was even using the room was because the bathroom light was completely out as well. Anyways fast forward she wants to know what it is I was doing and I told her that it’s personal but she is very angry with me. She told me don’t ever do anything In her house again if I can’t tell her what it is. I mean personally I just didn’t want to explain what it is I was doing as it’s quite personal. Now she is basically saying that im not trustworthy and hiding something.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I am trying to have my action of deciding to keep it a secret or not if that makes me an asshole since I didn’t just say what it is I was doing .2 it might make me the asshole because maybe that Information should be shared but personally I didn’t believe it should.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’m assuming you were tweezing something somewhere personal and embarrassing. If so, just tell her that. I suspect you two are not yet comfortable calling each other in to check out the size of your latest creation in the toilette bowl so she might not really want to know. She is probably thinking something smexual and just needs reassurance it isn’t that.
Not the asshole. You are entitled to have privacy, and if you tell her its something personal she shouldn’t be mad and threaten to kick you out.
Can’t judge unless you say what you were actually doing
YTA
Nothing wrong with asking for privacy, BUT if you are intimate and living with someone, there really shouldn’t be any secrets. Doesn’t matter how embarrassed it makes you or awkward it gets, just share.
If you aren’t ready for that, you aren’t ready for a serious commitment.
If you want to keep it private, why did you involve her by asking her to fetch the tools?
You’re inviting the attention
NTA – But you could say “personal grooming” and leave it at that. Keeping everything vague leaves room for doubt.
YTA. Mostly for monopolizing a shared space and being weird and shady about it. Replace the damn light bulb and do it in the bathroom. Or be up front and tell your partner about it. There’s not really a middle ground when you live together.
YTA and immature. You’re a big man when it comes to staying with her but you’re a baby and can’t tell her you’re tweezing something? If you can’t be honest about something as mundane as that you have issues. Grow up and communicate like an adult
Bro if you’re in a serious long term relationship and live with this person you need to be able to tell them about health info. I can think of nothing you could be doing with tweezers that someone you schtup regularly couldn’t or wouldn’t figure out eventually.
ETA YTA bro
NTA it took me years even after living together to tell my boyfriend about some of my most private things I do (we’ve been together for like 7 years now I think? I’m bad with time)
Yeah YTA. If it’s embarrassing and personal it shouldn’t be done in a living space like that- why couldn’t you grab yourself the items if you didn’t want questions? If it’s embarrassing and personal- you should be able to confide in your partner with that and if you can’t then you shouldn’t live together.
Do you pay rent? Do you contribute equally to the living arrangements? Were you using her items? ( If you were doing something gross with HER tweezers she needs to know if she should disinfect them)
You’re living with her…and sharing a bed with her…
…but you don’t want to tell her what you’re tweezing…
…and you locked her out of your shared room…
…even after you made her bring you the necessary gear?
Oh, yeah, YTA.
How am I immature and I never claimed to be some big man? I was getting out side perspective is all. She knows I was plucking hair I just didn’t feel the need to go super in depth. Same way I would never freak out if she had an accident or something and was emberassed to tell me. Your response speaks more of your immaturity than mine. Thanks for the feedback though.
YTA – there’s a difference between privacy in doing the thing, and mentioning the thing. As soon as you asked her to fetch you the tools (for this and everything else, don’t ask your gf to do stuff for you that you can do for yourself), you mentioned the thing and she is rightfully mad that you didn’t even give her a broad-brush explanation. You’re essentially treated her like a servant.
YTA–she thinks you are untrustworthy because you are behaving in a shady way. If it was the bathroom and you locked it, that’s one thing, but it’s a shared room, and you made her go get you tweezers (instead of just doing it yourself) and then locked her out and refused to tell her what was going on. You don’t have to go into details, just give her a vague outline. If you’re living with someone, you have to be able to share some embarrassing stuff with them sometimes–OR, you can get your own tweezers and maybe change a lightbulb for her grandparents? Like what even is that problem…there’s just no bathroom light so no one does anything about it??
ESH
Please tell me you sanitized the tweezers before handing them back
YTA you could’ve told your girlfriend you were plucking your asshole hair if you were gonna have her fetch the tweezers dude
YTA if you want to be so secretive about plucking your ass hairs, do it when she is not home and get the tweezers yourself.
YTA – and so is She for not helping out grannies with replacement bulbs . Tweezer Light Mirror? sounds like you’ve seen her in situations she’d rather you not and wants the favor of respectful trust returned ..who really knows until you tell her why you locked the door
Yeah u should tell her bro. Also tell us even I’m curious as hell now , 🤣
Yeah u should tell her bro. Also tell us even I’m curious as hell now , 🤣
I know you’re super embarrassed by whatever you’re doing, I’m guessing ingrown hair down, but she’s your SO. You could have gotten the tweezers and then used your phone’s flashlight in the bathroom. YTA cause you made a not-so-big issue a big deal. You asked for things then texted her you looked yourself in the room but don’t want to tell her why and she needs to ask you to be let in.
You are allowed to jerk it private, but then you should have kept it private and not involved your gf and then shut her down.
ESH.
Replace the damn bathroom light. I realize it’s her grandparents’ house, but going out and buying a new bulb and installing it would be a thoughtful gesture on your part.
Fetch your own tweezers and bright light. Yes, even if it means talking to her grandparents directly instead of using your girlfriend as go-between.
And stop making such a big song and dance about trivial matters to your girlfriend. Then she won’t feel the need to ask intrusive questions. You didn’t need to send her any message. Depending on what you needed to do, you could have been done and dusted before she even noticed you’d gone anywhere. If it takes a longer than a minute or two, you could have done it while she was showering. I manage to take care of my own personal hygiene/medical needs, even when staying at someone else’s house, without anyone else even noticing I’m doing anything at all, let alone speculating about what it might be.
Your girlfriend is also the asshole for being suspicious and angry and ordering you not to “ever do anything in her house again if I can’t tell her what it is“. That’s ridiculously controlling.
I don’t have a lot of hope for your relationship if this is the immature way you both behave.
I can’t believe you live there and couldn’t be bothered to replace the bathroom light. You are very immature.
YTA and too insecure if tweezing is so embarrassing you can’t even mention it
Yta for making a big deal about it and then not telling her. You are basically the six year old going I know something you don’t know. Just wait until she’s out, or watching a movie with her nan, or if you really need to ask for some time alone give her a vauge enough answer she won’t want to know more like personal grooming
I didn’t shit in our bathroom if my husband was home the first year of our marriage (we married kinda young and I was too stupid to get that he loved me, stinky poo and all). Thirty seven years later and we talk freely about whatever is on our mind, including the size, frequency, and consistency of poo. Let your girl know what you are doing in your shared space. I’m sure you swap body fluids at this point. She will feel like you trust her with the intimate stuff and you’ll know you can trust her with it.
YTA for not even telling us what the thing is
Info: Why was this not done I’m the bathroom?
>hey I’m gonna be doing something in the room and the door is locked so if you need give me a heads up and I can make sure to unlock it if you need to get in
Your overexplaining kinda set you up for this argument. It feels odd (not sure why or if that’s even a fair assessment) that you put a lot of words drawing attention to something you wanted privacy for.
Eta:
Totally missed the bathroom light being out part. But do yall not keep spare light bulbs?
YTA
Just tell her. Trust me – whatever it is – it cannot come close to what she is worrying that it is. She will ruminate and perseverate until you tell her. You ask a lot by expecting sex (I assume) but expecting her to just be ok with whatever secret you have about your body. Intimacy is a big thing. It is not ala carte.
YTA you probably have seen every inch of each others bodies but you don’t trust her with your tweezing? Why not? That needs to be addressed with yourself first and foremost
I have never understood people who are “private” with their partners. Your body parts go inside each other. You can’t get much more private and personal than that. If you can’t handle each other’s body functions then maybe you’re not mature enough to be in a romantic relationship.
Oh, dear. It only gets worse from here. Run.
NTA.
YTA
tbh you sound like you have an ingrown hair in either ur butt or pens somehow, it’s odd to not even tell her what it could be in a vague term
NTA – you are allowed to have boundaries no matter where you live. You don’t wanna talk about tweezer time, that should be fine. Her escalation to shattered trust is a bit dramatic… I don’t have to tell anyone what I do with the toilet paper when I beg someone in the stall next to mine to hand me some… she’s your romantic partner not your boss/doctor/hair removal specialist. You don’t owe her an explanation of your every move just because her grandparents own the house or whatever… unless you were making permanent changes to the structure of the house.
I’ma guess pulling genital warts off his asshole & taint or yankin hairs outta the shaft of his pecker.
YTA, mainly for asking her to fetch the light and tweezers for this occasion and then refusing to explain why. It sounds like it’s probably her tweezers and light, so of course she’d be curious (at minimum, does she need to sterilize them now?). You should really get your own set of non-shared tools if it’s that sensitive of a matter.
This thread is ridiculous. Everyone is entitled to privacy and some things should be kept private. NTA. Everyone needs to grow up. When Im doing something private and my SO asks I simply reply “can some things stay a mystery” bc he dont need to know when im tweezing my self! And he respects that!!
YTA. You can’t ask for tweezers and a light and then act like you’re doing something shameful and secret with them, and then get pissed when she (very reasonably) asks what you’re doing. You can’t lock someone out of their living space with no explanation. Either act like you’re in a committed relationship where you acknowledge that both of you have bodies that do body-things, or admit that you’re not mature enough for a real relationship and spare your poor gf.
YTA and you know it. You’re too immature to be in a relationship, let alone live together.
Why can’t you tell her? You live with her? You’re an adult? What is the point of having a girlfriend you don’t trust. Yta
This whole thing is weird. I think it’s a two-fer – YBTAs.
ESH. I, too, have private grooming needs, but the one thing I do not do is draw attention to them. Why did you keep involving her? That being said, most people could put 2 and 2 together and give some space.
This is an esh… because trust levels vary in relationships and i do not know the real expectations in this relationship
YTA
Grow up. A simple “I need to tweeze an ingrown hair down below” would have sufficed.
NTA
If my partner asked for a bright light and tweezers and said it was personal, I’d 100% respect that and assume they were dealing with a personal or medical issue that was none of my business.
That seems very normal and expected to me, and calling someone untrustworthy for a few brief minutes of personal privacy seems frankly unhinged to me.
I guess a soft YTA?
Being embarrassed about some part of your body is likely a feeling everyone’s experienced at some point. If you two have been together a while and are serious enough to be living together, though, then “grooming” really ought to be something you two can talk about.
You also really shouldn’t draw a ton of attention to your secrets, man. You could have very easily just locked the door and opened it if she knocked. Messaging her that you’ll be locking yourself in the room to do something, then getting super defensive when she asks what it is, definitely comes off as suspicious.
At least just barely mention what you’re doing. I mean you’re going in the room with the items you asked for her to get you. If it’s “quite personal”, yet you can’t brush onto the subject of what you’re doing, are you even a couple? I’d tell my boyfriend what I’d do, or at least say it’s a little embarrassing and personal but I… ~pluck my ball hairs sometimes~ IDK, no one knows what you’re doing in there. As a girlfriend’s POV it’s just odd. It may also contribute to more, are you keeping other things from her? Something so simple wouldn’t have gotten a “very angry” reaction.
TLDR: He has a micropenis and was gooning.
Sounds shady AF.
YTA
Um…YTA for doing ANYTHING that could be considered “private” with tweezers that are not yours.
Ingrown hairs are common FYI
YTA and not mature enough to be in a relationship.
And your whole big announcement about doing “something” in the room with the door locked (which is her space too), “give me a heads up” was obviously going to lead to questions.
NTA, but I don’t think her response is completely irrational. It’s a bit much for her to be very angry about it, but if you have been together for a good amount of time and live together sharing a room, I could understand her feeling confused and uncomfortable that you are deciding something is so private that you have to lock her out and can’t tell her a single detail about it.
If you ever expect to fully share your life with someone someday , then it’s gonna take some vulnerability and honesty. You might not be there now or see this relationship as one where you’re willing to do that yet, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but she may see things differently which would also be valid. If she’s not able to fully get over your request for complete secrecy with whatever you were doing, it might be a sign of long-term incompatibility.
You have to do what feels right and comfortable for you, but personally, I think if you both really love and trust each other and you want this to be a long-term relationship, it might be a good chance for you to try being vulnerable even if it feels personal or embarrassing. At the end of the day, I think communication and trust are two of the biggest factors in a healthy relationship, and this is a chance for you to explore both. But you’re NTA if you choose not to. And if you choose not to and she is unwilling to respect your boundaries or constantly holds this over your head while it builds resentment, then it just might not be meant to be unfortunately.
If you’re tweezing your ingrown hairs, you could have just told her. Instead you were weird about it..
YTA- just tell her, “i need t tweeze something you don’t want to see, it’s going to be gross and i’m embarrassed by where it is, but it hurts.”
maybe your SO can hold the phone light or maybe you can hold the phone light and your SO can tweeze it for you.
if you’re sharing fluids and a risk of pregnancy, don’t be embarrassed about your body.
Gross