I (34M) bought my own house 12 years ago and have been paying for it since. My mom (63F) and younger brother (25M) have always lived with me. I’ve basically been the main provider since I started working at 19.
I’ve never charged my mom rent since she doesn’t work due to her age. For added context, she didn’t finish middle school, so she’s always struggled financially, but ”sacrificed” everything so her children could get through life. With my brother, I’ve only asked him to contribute 50% of the utilities and groceries, because it feels unfair for me to cover everything while he spends his money on takeout and video games or whatever.
A little over a year ago, I moved in with my boyfriend (30M), who rents a house with a friend. I decided to let my mom and brother stay in my house, and to help them out, I decided not to charge rent. The idea was that my brother could use that money to help my mom and groceries, gas, etc.
Recently, my brother took out a loan to buy a house, even though I advised him it was a terrible decision given how bad the housing market is right now. He’s now in massive debt and left with less than 50% of his paycheck after repayments. To make things worse, he rented his house out to a terrible tenant who either pays late or not at all. My mom has ended up dealing with the tenant, repairs, and maintenance because my brother is basically a man-child who refuses to learn how to drive, communicate, or even prepare and/or cut his own food.
A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend’s landlord told us they want the house back once our lease ends in 6 months. Since I already own a house and my brother owns one too, I suggested that my boyfriend and I move back into my house, and my mom and brother move into his. That way, everyone would have their own place without paying rent. Plus, what my boyfriend and I save on rent could go into a fund to help my mom whenever she needs it.
When I floated this idea to my mom (not even as a final decision, just as a suggestion), she completely flipped out. She started trying to guilt-trip me, saying she’d be better off dead, that she’s just a burden, and that she has nothing because she sacrificed everything for her children.
I’ve always helped my mom financially, but she coddles my brother to the point that he’ll never learn to be independent. Now she’s making me feel like I’m the bad guy for even suggesting a logical solution where we both use the houses we actually own.
So… AITA for suggesting my mom and brother move into his house so I can move back into mine? Happy to provide any additional context if needed.
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I (34M) bought my own house 12 years ago and have been paying for it since. My mom (63F) and younger brother (25M) have always lived with me. I’ve basically been the main provider since I started working at 19.
I’ve never charged my mom rent since she doesn’t work due to her age. For added context, she didn’t finish middle school, so she’s always struggled financially, but ”sacrificed” everything so her children could get through life. With my brother, I’ve only asked him to contribute 50% of the utilities and groceries, because it feels unfair for me to cover everything while he spends his money on takeout and video games or whatever.
A little over a year ago, I moved in with my boyfriend (30M), who rents a house with a friend. I decided to let my mom and brother stay in my house, and to help them out, I decided not to charge rent. The idea was that my brother could use that money to help my mom and groceries, gas, etc.
Recently, my brother took out a loan to buy a house, even though I advised him it was a terrible decision given how bad the housing market is right now. He’s now in massive debt and left with less than 50% of his paycheck after repayments. To make things worse, he rented his house out to a terrible tenant who either pays late or not at all. My mom has ended up dealing with the tenant, repairs, and maintenance because my brother is basically a man-child who refuses to learn how to drive, communicate, or even prepare and/or cut his own food.
A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend’s landlord told us they want the house back once our lease ends in 6 months. Since I already own a house and my brother owns one too, I suggested that my boyfriend and I move back into my house, and my mom and brother move into his. That way, everyone would have their own place without paying rent. Plus, what my boyfriend and I save on rent could go into a fund to help my mom whenever she needs it.
When I floated this idea to my mom (not even as a final decision, just as a suggestion), she completely flipped out. She started trying to guilt-trip me, saying she’d be better off dead, that she’s just a burden, and that she has nothing because she sacrificed everything for her children.
I’ve always helped my mom financially, but she coddles my brother to the point that he’ll never learn to be independent. Now she’s making me feel like I’m the bad guy for even suggesting a logical solution where we both use the houses we actually own.
So… AITA for suggesting my mom and brother move into his house so I can move back into mine? Happy to provide any additional context if needed.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think my family, especially my mom and my brother, will say Im the asshole because Im ”kicking them out” in their POV instead of letting them keep living rent free in my house. I imagine the expected thing from me would be to grin and bear it and be ok with it.
The action I took I guess would be suggesting I move in back to my house and my mom and/or brother move to his house.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Already give her a notice and tell your brother to do the same!
She has to understand it! How is it possible for her to flip out and not understand such easy solution. Your brother isn’t getting the rent properly and will also eventually be in really deep issues! Might as well move in and pay his loan himself instead of renting. Your mom needs to figure smth out! Cooking for sale, pizzas, pies, whatever, sell at the church, wherever she goes
Your mother isn’t even at retirement age. And i assume she’s not been working for at least the last 12 years. So she “retired” at 51? There are things she can do even without a diploma. She needs to look into this.
Your brother was 24 and only helping out with groceries and utilities.
Both of them have been at wage earning age while you have supported them. Your brother has stayed on your tab for 6 years past the age you were supporting everyone. It really is time that they look after themselves.
NTA
That said, I suspect that you’ll have trouble getting them out of your house, since they’re quite comfortable staying there and not paying rent. Expect the flying monkeys to start bringing up what an awful person you are for “throwing your poor dear mother out into the cold” or whatever her story might be to friends and family.
Absolutely NOT the AH, you have already done so much for them. Your mom is gaslighting and trying to shame you for just being reasonable.
NTA. Your mom will never stop coddling your brother, she needs him to need her. It provides her sense of worth. Their relationship is not healthy and probably never will be.
What you have done for yourself and your family is incredibly impressive but you deserve a future of your own. You need to get them out of your home so you can build a life for yourself.
NTA-I would say stop enabling.
I do believe it’s time they figure out their own shit
NTA