My wife and I have been happily married for 5 years. We have a 4 years old daughter. My wife struggles with severe depression and while she is getting help some days it gets worse and she finds it hard to get out of bed or tolerate us.
Because of this my daughter is more attached to me though my wife is a wonderful mom and both me and my daughter adore her.
A few days ago my family were visiting and people were talking to my daughter and asking her questions like “Who do you love more, mommy or daddy?” I told them to drop it, this is not a good question but once I left to bring the dinner they started again.
My daughter usually answers “both” to this kind of questions but I guess they insisted too much because eventually she answered “Daddy, sometimes mommy doesn’t like to play with us” I told my daughter to go play in her room and snapped at my mom(who was the one asking most of the questions) that if she keeps asking this kind of questions she won’t be around my daughter to ask her anything anymore.
She called me an asshole and said it’s not her fault that my wife sometimes neglects her own child.
My wife looked like she was about to cry so I kicked mom out of our house. She didn’t want to go so I had to grab her and force her to go out. Most of the family decided to leave at that point. Almost everyone thinks I’m an asshole.
Comments
NTA — your mum is stirring the pot with a spoonful of spite. Well done for having your wife’s, and your family’s back.
NTA, your mom was instigating and attacking your wife.
NTA you protected your immediate family – your wife and daughter! Being a grandparent is a privilege not a right!
I’ve cut off my own parents due to similar entitled behavior, and since I did our lives have been alot more peaceful 😊
NTA. Your mom should have addressed her concerns with you and wife in a loving manner, not this bullshit with your daughter.
NTA. And kudos for standing up for your wife. So many spouses don’t.
What your mother did is abusive and horrible. You did the right thing. I wouldn’t invite her back in a hurry either.
Updateme!
Fuck old people nta. They do this kind of thing 24/7 and have 0 awareness.
NTA. They don’t have to come again unless to apologise to your wife
NTA
Your mother is a cow and well done for kicking her out.
Updateme
NTA and I am sorry that your family is choosing to taunt rather than help you through this difficult time
Your mum is a real piece of work. See’s your wife struggling and is ready to just make things worse for everyone. Glad you got her out of there. NTA
As a woman who struggles with depression, I wish you would teach all men that their wives come first. Your actions brought tears to my eyes. You’re a great husband and dad.
NTA- omg you deserve Husband Of The Year!!!
Family is pissed off because they are in the wrong, and got called out on it.
I hope your daughter is ok, I would go talk to her about it, and about how if people ask you questions you don’t feel comfortable answering, to walk away, and that it’s ok not to answer them.
NTA! Mothers like this drive me batty! Forcing a child to basically pick a side between their parents is just plain wrong. Your wife didn’t ask to have depression and your mother’s actions aren’t that of a kind person. They are the actions of a judgmental AH. Your wife and child should come before your parents or other relatives. If your mom can’t understand that her actions adversely affected your family as a whole, you absolutely should have kicked her out. Before you invite her again lay down boundaries and let her know if she doesn’t respect them you will be escorting her out of your life. BTW I’m the mom of a 30 year old son and I would want him to kick me out if I pulled that kind of BS.
” Thank you for visiting, moving forward I will be going low contact with you for the foreseeable future. I do not appreciate your efforts to go down the parental alienation avenue with our child and frankly, those behaviours will only see supervised visits. I will contact you when ready. “
NTA. Keep these people away from your daughter and wife. This is traumatizing your daughter. I can’t even imagine what they do when you aren’t around
I hope you and your daughter are getting therapy to help deal with the situation
Totally not the Ahole….. Moms got outta pocket and you put her in her place, end of story.
NTA. Putting your hands on her may not have been the best way, but you are completely correct in removing her.
Not, but grabbing your mom and forcing her out seems a little extreme unless you had no other option. If I felt it was necessary for family diplomacy, I’d probably apologize for it coming to that with the caveat that she was hurting your wife and kid and she made it necessary to protect them. Otherwise, disallowing toxicity and getting it out of your house makes total sense.
You are a wonderful husband, good job on kicking her out. NTA
NTA
Your wife needs to heal just like if she has a physical injury. Chronic pain drains your energy. It doesn’t mean you are neglectful.
Secondly, you made a clear boundary. The second you couldn’t immediately stop it, she started it again. There is literally no good reason to do that.
Last, but most important, she dragged a child into adult drama, making her change her answer as she likely sensed that saying both was the “wrong” answer. That child was dragged into a situation where she had to witness you standing up for the family, which is good, but shouldn’t have needed to happen. Adult conflicts should NOT affect children. That’s disgusting behavior and that lack of insight and self-control would swiftly let me know someone wasn’t welcome around my child either. In fact, I have cut people out of our lives and things became much more peaceful as a result.
Recommendation: talk to your child about what happened. Ask them how that questioning made them feel. They should be able to voice if there was discomfort. Explain that their intentions were not nice. Explain boundaries. Explain that when someone does not respect someone in your family, they aren’t welcome to stay at your home because home is where you three should always feel safe and comfy.
Talk to your wife and see if she wants to talk to your child too. She may want to participate in this discussion at the end and ask the child if she was actually sad that your wife can’t play sometimes. Your child doesn’t need to know your wife has depression. Sometimes the age appropriate thing is to know that sometimes mommy gets sick or hurts and needs more rest and that mommy and the child are lucky because daddy helps take care of both of them a bit more when that happens. She may want to simply reassure the child that she loves them so much and she is sorry that sometimes she can’t play more, but that if she is ever missing mommy in a moment, to tell daddy right away. You could always say, in those moments, that mommy needs some extra time in bed today, but maybe we could make a picture for her to let her know you two love her and hope the extra rest makes her feel much better. Or maybe just make art of their favorite animal or something to give mommy. This allows mommy rest and for your child to declare how they feel and find a healthy way to cope. It’s validating.
Don’t let your vile mom back in. She will poison your child.
I’m a DIL and a MIL – you are NYAH. Your mother and family are TAH’s. Good on you for protecting your wife and family!!
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing. You protected your wife and daughter from this deliberate cruelty. I assume your mom knows your wife suffers from depression, and knows that means she doesn’t always have the energy to play with her daughter. Thus her only possible motive with this line of questioning is to coax your daughter into choosing you over her mom, which is obviously going to be hurtful to your wife.
Your mom is 100% the AH here, and the rest of the family isn’t so great either if they couldn’t understand how important it was for you to protect your wife
NTA. The only thing you should have done was send her on her way. Go low contact and she can miss out on grandparent life.
Update me
Tell your mom that she is your child’s least favorite relative.
NTA
NTA – your Mom is cruel and is minimizing what your wife goes through. Thank you for protecting her 🙏
NTA. Mom is. Sorry.
NTA. Your wife is likely struggling with her self esteem already due to her illness. Your mother is tearing at her, as if depression was a choice. It’s nasty and risks putting her into a downward spiral. Basically, your mother was maliciously trying to destroy your wife and by extension, your family. Resisting being removed only underscores that she didn’t do it by accident.
Great job. Now keep her out. Do not ever let her around your child. She had a chance to apologize and walk back but she didn’t. That’s the same as still saying those things so follow through with your consequences. She no longer gets to talk to your daughter. Your mom is a the Asshole and you will be also if you allow her to still be around your daughter!! Cut out anyone who has only negative things to say about your wife. She is suffering enough. Don’t let them add to it.
NTA. You were looking out for your wife. Your mom was beyond asshole and just plain cruel. She knows what is going on and her behavior is horrible.
Your mom is being terrible, good on you for not tolerating this and standing up for your wife. I think that makes her one and you definitely are nta.
NTA. How to lick a person when they are down indeed. I hope your wife continues to improve and that your mother learns compassion. I would definitely not be welcoming my mother back any time soon or the relatives who thought what she did was ok.