TLDR: I booted my mother out of my house last night because she’s been lying to her friends and telling them I’m abusing her.
I (F63) booted my mother out of my house last night after she returned home from visiting a friend. My mother, “Uma”, lives with me, H(64), and D(30) since my dad died. We do everything for her.
Here’s my problem and is why I booted her: she’s been telling her friends that we are taking her money, won’t feed her, won’t pick up her medication, won’t buy her what she needs (diapers, tea, medical supplements, etc.) One of her friends was all friendly and sweet when she picked her up but gave me filthy looks when she dropped her off. Shortly thereafter, we received a visit from Adult Protective Services. They interviewed her privately, then interviewed us (hubby and daughter) separately. I didn’t connect the dots until later and confronted the woman who dropped her off. She’s known us for years and fortunately was able to see Uma was weaving lies for sympathy. She also knew Uma was a hypochondriac.
Another friend dropped her off yesterday after a lengthy visit. “Beth” told me Mom cried the whole time because we don’t give her access to her money (she has a debit card which she’s lost several times), she hates everything we cook (we cook what she asks us to cook), and she wants her own apartment. Beth suggested we look at apartments that would suit her, but with Uma’s not driving, forgetfulness, having her dog, not eating, not bathing, and having severe allergies, it’s just not feasible. I WFH FT and then some and have a household of my own to tend. I don’t have the time to run errands for her if they are outside of ours as well. I also cannot afford to subsidize her independent living.
She told her friends she was “starving” because “we wouldn’t let her eat before she met up with them at 11 a.m.” Not only did she have breakfast, which I prepared, forced her to eat, and cleaned up after it, she also had a snack in mid morning. Uma also told Beth that we won’t let her have her stuff here (she’s a compulsive hoarder), yet she already occupies 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms as well as the library and the Pantry kitchen. She wants us to clean out another room so she has room for her stuff. I finally blew up when I found out Uma told Beth the bruises on her arms were from us grabbing her roughly (they were from blood tests the preceding week…she’s on thinners). I called my sister and told her I was done taking care of her.
My heart is breaking because I do know she mourns the loss of my dad. I also dearly love her. But I see her turn her tears on and off so easily that it seems more of a manipulation technique than of reality. When my sister showed up to pick her up, she hadn’t cried a single drop. Once my sister opened the door, she started bawling, claiming she didn’t know what she did wrong.
So, AITA for booting my mother to the curb?
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TLDR: I booted my mother out of my house last night because she’s been lying to her friends and telling them I’m abusing her.
I (F63) booted my mother out of my house last night after she returned home from visiting a friend. My mother, “Uma”, lives with me, H(64), and D(30) since my dad died. We do everything for her.
Here’s my problem and is why I booted her: she’s been telling her friends that we are taking her money, won’t feed her, won’t pick up her medication, won’t buy her what she needs (diapers, tea, medical supplements, etc.) One of her friends was all friendly and sweet when she picked her up but gave me filthy looks when she dropped her off. Shortly thereafter, we received a visit from Adult Protective Services. They interviewed her privately, then interviewed us (hubby and daughter) separately. I didn’t connect the dots until later and confronted the woman who dropped her off. She’s known us for years and fortunately was able to see Uma was weaving lies for sympathy. She also knew Uma was a hypochondriac.
Another friend dropped her off yesterday after a lengthy visit. “Beth” told me Mom cried the whole time because we don’t give her access to her money (she has a debit card which she’s lost several times), she hates everything we cook (we cook what she asks us to cook), and she wants her own apartment. Beth suggested we look at apartments that would suit her, but with Uma’s not driving, forgetfulness, having her dog, not eating, not bathing, and having severe allergies, it’s just not feasible. I WFH FT and then some and have a household of my own to tend. I don’t have the time to run errands for her if they are outside of ours as well. I also cannot afford to subsidize her independent living.
She told her friends she was “starving” because “we wouldn’t let her eat before she met up with them at 11 a.m.” Not only did she have breakfast, which I prepared, forced her to eat, and cleaned up after it, she also had a snack in mid morning. Uma also told Beth that we won’t let her have her stuff here (she’s a compulsive hoarder), yet she already occupies 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms as well as the library and the Pantry kitchen. She wants us to clean out another room so she has room for her stuff. I finally blew up when I found out Uma told Beth the bruises on her arms were from us grabbing her roughly (they were from blood tests the preceding week…she’s on thinners). I called my sister and told her I was done taking care of her.
My heart is breaking because I do know she mourns the loss of my dad. I also dearly love her. But I see her turn her tears on and off so easily that it seems more of a manipulation technique than of reality. When my sister showed up to pick her up, she hadn’t cried a single drop. Once my sister opened the door, she started bawling, claiming she didn’t know what she did wrong.
So, AITA for booting my mother to the curb?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I booted my mother out of my house and might be the asshole because my dad died last year and she can’t take care of herself.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. At this point you’re only able to protect your family from accusations that are false and extremely serious.
She wanted to play the victim when she wasn’t one. There has to be consequences to her actions.
You won’t relieve yourself of the guilt you feel but you are definitely doing the right thing.
NTA. Protect your sanity and peace. Even from your mom, especially from your mom. Just give your sister a heads up about what your mom is doing and how she manipulates others if she doesn’t already know.
INFO: How old is your mother? Has she been recently evaluated for dementia? You mention when she’s left to her own devices she forgets stuff and doesn’t eat or bathe. That’s pretty common in elderly people who are declining mentally.
I say this because one of the signs that my grandfather’s dementia was getting worse was that he became paranoid and combatative. He’d accuse us of awful stuff like trying to poison him. He wasn’t being an A H, it was one hundred percent the dementia, not him, he was never like that before.
If she has dementia, and you decide you can’t care for her in your home because of her behavior then it’s N A H from me, but you and the rest of her family need to find a good alternative for her care. If you just kick her out to fend for herself without any kind of evaluation, then Y W B T A. If she is mentally sound, then N T A, but she doesn’t really seem mentally sound by description here.
NTA
Does she have dementia? If not, it could be the start of it. Either way, the living situation was no longer working for you once the false allegations started and APS showed up at your door.
She may do better in an assisted living home where there are nurses who are better trained to handle this sort of thing.
NTA. You need to protect your family.
That said, it sounds like your mom might be getting dementia. Forgetfulness, anger at imagined things, etc. are all very common. It sounds like she needs medical help, not an apartment of her own.
Honestly it sounds like dementia. Maybe a long term care facility would be better.
INFO.
your mom sounds very similar to my grandpa who has been diagnosed with dementia. if your mom is affected by this condition or similar, YWBTA because who abandons someone who can no longer care for themselves? if your mom is just old, cranky, with narcissistic tendencies, YWNBTA. in either situation, if you don’t have the capacity to care for her, you could at least (help or do) find her a new place.
I’m wondering if your Mum has dementia, perhaps lewy body dementia? It’s hard to live with someone like that for sure. Long term care is usually the way to go.
All the best. NAH.
Tell her, point by point what she did. She’s actively crafting lies. That’s not dementia or confusion