I’m in a relationship where, more often than not, my girlfriend gets upset about something but doesn’t tell me what it is. She’ll go quiet or act distant, and I’m left trying to figure it out on my own — overthinking, overanalyzing, and second-guessing every recent conversation or action. It eats away at me.
Eventually, when I can’t take the anxiety anymore, I end up saying something that might come off as frustrated or rude — not because I want to hurt her, but because I’ve been stewing in silence trying to make peace in my own head. When that happens, the whole issue flips. Suddenly I’m the villain, and the focus shifts entirely to my reaction, not the original problem.
This has created a cycle where I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Even the smallest things I do — from texting her a certain way to how I phrase something — I find myself second-guessing everything to avoid triggering a spiral.
I feel emotionally worn out. I want to be a good partner, but I also want to feel safe and heard in the relationship too. I don’t want to lash out or be the “bad guy,” but I also can’t keep absorbing this anxiety and confusion all the time.
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I’m in a relationship where, more often than not, my girlfriend gets upset about something but doesn’t tell me what it is. She’ll go quiet or act distant, and I’m left trying to figure it out on my own — overthinking, overanalyzing, and second-guessing every recent conversation or action. It eats away at me.
Eventually, when I can’t take the anxiety anymore, I end up saying something that might come off as frustrated or rude — not because I want to hurt her, but because I’ve been stewing in silence trying to make peace in my own head. When that happens, the whole issue flips. Suddenly I’m the villain, and the focus shifts entirely to my reaction, not the original problem.
This has created a cycle where I constantly feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Even the smallest things I do — from texting her a certain way to how I phrase something — I find myself second-guessing everything to avoid triggering a spiral.
I feel emotionally worn out. I want to be a good partner, but I also want to feel safe and heard in the relationship too. I don’t want to lash out or be the “bad guy,” but I also can’t keep absorbing this anxiety and confusion all the time.
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> I am the asshole because I called her red flag, and this makes me an asshole because this hurt her
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Coming from someone born girl? NTA. Yes. A lot of us do that and a lot of us do get upset easily when snapped at, perhaps try and sit her down and have a conversation about it? Try not to get upset but politely lay out how what she’s doing gets you upset and try to find a way around it, if she continues this and just keeps getting more upset? Then rethink the relationship.
Eh, I’m gonna go NTA, but –
You should probably break up, or have a talk with your girlfriend. She cannot be mad at you or hold grudges against you if you don’t know why she’s acting that way. That’s not fair to either of you. (Mostly you.)
And really, in short – if you can’t be honest with your romantic partner, who CAN you be honest with?
NTA Look up stonewalling. She needs to overcome her ego or whatever motivator is keeping her from being open and honest with you.
NTA – Leave. I’m serious, I dealt with this for multiple years because of my inability to see what was being done to me, and it only got worse, up to the point of me being shut out anytime I even slightly disagreed with something.
it very much depends on what you say to determine if YTA but in this case it very much sounds like your girlfriend is TA here, sounds like if this isnt sorted a break up might be needed.
NTA. Her refusal to, at the least, tell you she will share her feelings when she’s calmer means she is giving you The Silent Treatment. It’s a form of control. She’s making you dance to her tune.
Since this is a cycle, you both know how it will play out. She’s just waiting for an excuse to lash out at you, letting it build, and then make you feel lesser than.
But the most worrisome part is your statement that you feel like you are walking on eggshells. That’s what emotional abused partners end up feeling. It sounds like this situation is bad for your mental health, and if she is indeed an abuser, there is no way you can fix her. All you can do is leave and cut contact.
Please read psychological articles on the silent treatment, and also psychological articles on signs of emotional abuse. There may be other controlling behaviors you didn’t even recognize.
Of course The Silent Treatment alone, while a form of control, doesn’t make her automatically an abuser, but that feeling of walking on eggshells is a quite serious sign of emotional abuse. If, when you read more about emotional abuse, you see more behaviors of control , then added all together, that would make her an abusive partner.
If I am wrong and the silent treatment is the only controlling/manipulative behavior she exhibits, that might be something she can change. But if you realize she has other controlling behaviors, then you must end the relationship as soon as you can safely do so.
NTA Her behavior is immature, manipulative and considered a form or emotional abuse.
It’s called psychological abuse she is not a keeper
Ah yes, the girlfriend who goes silent because you breathed wrong at some point and it upset her. Then she goes silent and you have no idea what you did, and unfortunately you are not a mind reader. Rest assured you are not the only one who has dealt with this.
NTA. That kind of treatment is callous and cowardly. If you can’t be yourself, laugh, joke and just be open about everything with her, take a moment to reflect on that. Worrying about how making one wrong move will lead to her cutting you out and neglecting you is not a relationship. Initiate a conversation to talk about how it’s affecting you and if the declines or fails to respond in a mature and caring way, then I think you should know what you need to do..You tried.
NTA in the given context, but im curious what you mean by lashing out. if you mean you try to communicate your frustrations, def NTA, if you mean get upset an say something nasty, do better.
100% not the asshole but what you should do is communicate and tell her how you feel about how she acts and how sick of it you are and after you tell her and she doesn’t change you should just leave as that’s obviously not a relationship worth salvaging as that’s what the rest of your relationships gonna be, not being heard or respected
NTA
Try addressing the issue head on the next time she shuts you out. Ex:
“Hey I’ve noticed you’re a bit distant, did I do something wrong? You can tell me”.
Stay calm and avoid using an accusatory or defensive tone. Don’t let it stew too long before addressing it or else it’s guaranteed to come out in frustration.
Sometimes people act like that because they’ve had awful experiences with expressing their needs or frustrations in a relationship. I used to be that way because growing up, as well as my first relationship, expressing anything directly was guaranteed to make things way worse for me. The other person would either get angry, reverse blame, be dismissive, emotionally punish me for making them feel bad, etc. So unfortunately I learned to express myself passive aggressively.
Now I’m not saying this is healthy or that you should deal with it. How she reacts to you addressing the issue calmly and directly will be very telling.
If she insists on her passive aggression, I’d probably call it quits. This is no way to communicate in a relationship.
NTA
This is not healthy and you need to walk away as soon as you can, She is trying to manipulate you to be how she wants but you are a unique individual and so you dont have to put the energy to even lash out at her. Ask her what she wants in this relationship and what does she expect from you, You are a good partner and you have every right to feel safe and heard not only your S/O, So please establish boundaries and even if you lose her trust me you will get someone way better focus on your feelings and always hear to your conscience.
She’s likely mad about something or at herself and she knows making those kinds of comments will make you overthink and go talk to her. When you go talk to her, she’ll have someone to blame everything on. You’re quiete literally her punching bag. She’s tossing it all on you so she feels wronged, attacked and will act like the victim so she can lash out at you. Are you sure you want to keep on being her go-to villain so she can feel that makes her a victim and never take accountability for anything. NTA
NTA but you need to break up. She has created an environment where either she has a problem and punishes you wish the silent treatment, or she will be silent because there is no problem but she has trained you to look for wrongdoing and imagine problems because that’s usually what silence means. It’s a miserable situation no matter what, whether she is genuinely mad or not.
I promise you don’t need to live like this, and you can set clear boundaries in future relationships and explain that you expect them to clearly communicate if they have a problem. It makes life so much more bearable.
I only had to read your first sentence, milk. Lose this one. She’s TAH.