My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7. For the past year and a half, he’s been the sole caregiver for his mom, who has early dementia. He stepped up completely bathing her, dressing her, changing her, managing her meds, all of it. I work full time to support both of us so he could focus on her full time. It’s been emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting especially for him.
He is one of six kids, and they all live within 30 minutes. Not a single one helped. Not once. It was just him and his dad, day in and day out, while the rest of the family ghosted.
Well, her condition recently progressed and she had to be placed in a care home. Suddenly, everyone comes out of the woodwork like they’ve been involved this whole time. One sister-in-law made a big “family group chat” called “Sweet Mama D” and sent this dramatic message like:
“Hey everyone! Mama D has been placed in a home, so let’s all continue being there for her! This is also a space to share memories and support each other!”
Excuse me? Continue? Nobody but my husband and his dad have been there. What are y’all continuing exactly?
And to make it worse I wasn’t even included in the group chat. But people from other states and even literal 13-year-old cousins were added. My husband knew I wasn’t in it but I said let’s just give it a few days. Well during those two days they continued adding others… just not me.
After 2 days my husband added me, I immediately left the group. When asked why, I told them plainly “We gave it two days. Nobody thought to add me or even mention me. At this point, I don’t want to be in it.”
Now I’m being told I’m “childish” and “making this about me,” but I’m sorry… I was there. Every single day. Supporting my husband while he broke down watching his mom lose herself. And now that she’s in a home, these people want to play loving family and post old photos like they’ve been in the trenches too?
So AITA for leaving the group chat and being over it? Or are they just mad because I didn’t pretend along with the group hug energy?
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My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 7. For the past year and a half, he’s been the sole caregiver for his mom, who has early dementia. He stepped up completely bathing her, dressing her, changing her, managing her meds, all of it. I work full time to support both of us so he could focus on her full time. It’s been emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting especially for him.
He is one of six kids, and they all live within 30 minutes. Not a single one helped. Not once. It was just him and his dad, day in and day out, while the rest of the family ghosted.
Well, her condition recently progressed and she had to be placed in a care home. Suddenly, everyone comes out of the woodwork like they’ve been involved this whole time. One sister-in-law made a big “family group chat” called “Sweet Mama D” and sent this dramatic message like:
“Hey everyone! Mama D has been placed in a home, so let’s all continue being there for her! This is also a space to share memories and support each other!”
Excuse me? Continue? Nobody but my husband and his dad have been there. What are y’all continuing exactly?
And to make it worse I wasn’t even included in the group chat. But people from other states and even literal 13-year-old cousins were added. My husband knew I wasn’t in it but I said let’s just give it a few days. Well during those two days they continued adding others… just not me.
After 2 days my husband added me, I immediately left the group. When asked why, I told them plainly “We gave it two days. Nobody thought to add me or even mention me. At this point, I don’t want to be in it.”
Now I’m being told I’m “childish” and “making this about me,” but I’m sorry… I was there. Every single day. Supporting my husband while he broke down watching his mom lose herself. And now that she’s in a home, these people want to play loving family and post old photos like they’ve been in the trenches too?
So AITA for leaving the group chat and being over it? Or are they just mad because I didn’t pretend along with the group hug energy?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left the group chat immediately after my husband added me, because I was excluded for two days and felt disrespected. I said I didn’t want to be part of it anymore, and now my in laws are saying I’m being childish and making it about me. I feel like I was treated like an outsider even though I’ve supported my husband through the hardest years of his life while he cared for his mom.
I guess I might be the asshole for making a statement by leaving instead of just letting it go and staying in the chat quietly.
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> After 2 days my husband added me, I immediately left the group. When asked why, I told them plainly “We gave it two days. Nobody thought to add me or even mention me. At this point, I don’t want to be in it.”
Oh good grief. ESH. How overdramatic. You should have told your husband not to add you in the first place.
NTA. These people sound selfish and exhausting
Probably a NAH. OP is a bit dramatic and the relatives seem to be a tad inconsiderate seems but neither of you to AH levels? It’s a sad time for all of of them and OP has been under stress, so people are probably not functioning to their full emotional intelligence.
OP: You should join the group chat if you want to be in it. You should leave if you don’t enjoy what’s in there. Leaving out of spite if you actually wish you were there is just “biting your own tail”. A lot of these groups are put together by core group inviting their families and they probably just assumed your hubby would add you, not intentionally snubbed you.
NTA Anyone who has experienced firsthand the deterioration of a loved one from Alzheimer’s or dementia knows you’re not the asshole. Especially when Johnny-come-lately relatives jump into the mix and act like they were involved when they weren’t. They should be called out by your husband. They are his relatives and it’s his place to be the one to express his disappointment at their lack of participation. It’s a beautiful thing that you have so loving and fully supported your husband so he could support his Mom. Hopefully now that her care responsibilities will be split with the nursing home, you and your hubby can finally have some time for yourself and each other.
Amazing how you made all of this completely about you. ESH
NTA. Let your husband manage the family drama and do that to can to support him. But you don’t need to be a part of it.
ESH. Make the thing you’re mad about the actual issue and address that. Not some dumb group chat.
NTA but you obviously are harboring a ton of resentment which really is only hurting you.
Leaving the group immediately after complaining about not being in it at all isn’t teaching anyone a lesson, especially the one you want them to.
NTA in the slightest.
INFO- Since you don’t mention it, I’m curious to hear what’s going on with your husband’s siblings that would inhibit them from helping as much as your husband. For example- do they have kids, are they in school/college, do they have crazy work schedules, do they have health issues themselves etc.? Where I’m coming from is, perhaps they always cared but had other things going on and couldn’t be there as much for your MIL.
ESH. The fact none of your husband’s siblings helped care for their mother is awful, when they are close by and able. But joining the group just so you can flounce out of it is ridiculous and childish.
ESH. Yes, it’s rude to have not added you when your husband has been her caregiver (and you’ve supported him to be able to do that), but it’s clearly more of a group based around sharing memories / talking about her and trying to make as many of the family as possible included in her remaining life, eg updating everyone on her status / recent visits with her etc. It’s not a group to share every single act of physical caregiving.
You’re clearly under a lot of stress from the situation, and that’s understandable, but you’re also coming off like you’re gatekeeping who is allowed to “legitimately” care about her – her other family are allowed to care about her and feel like they’re contributing in some way, especially if they aren’t proximate or old enough to take that on. It’s weird that you’re upset that children in the family are added to this – this is presumably their grandma.
Making this about you was totally inappropriate.
NTA, the vultures usually come out when they sense something.