If you dont like LONG drama filled stories, dont read. I have been with my husband for 9 years and we have a 1yo daughter. I took maternity leave around 37 weeks pregnant, had her at 41 weeks and I have been home ever since. This was mine and my husband’s plan. I would stay home until she’s 3 and in preschool. Plenty of money saved (money is no issue). We spent years saving and preparing for this.
My MIL (his mom) started getting super weird when she found out I was pregnant. She used to come over for coffee dates with me twice a week and just talk and that ended abruptly when I became pregnant and turned in to her trying to get my husband out of the house and away from me. Showing up 100% at random and telling him “I will let you treat me to lunch” and then tell me I wasn’t invited because it was a “mom and son date”. Started buying him expensive jewelry (he hates jewelry and has never worn any of it). Showed up at random times with her half eaten sandwiches/soup/pasta and giving it to my husband because “I was just thinking of you hunny”. Never brought food for me. In fact, there were several times she would show up after I made dinner and stuff her face with it to a point where there was none left for me to eat. Yes, my husband always put her in her place. Multiple times he blew a gasket at her. No, that did not stop her. And this still continued well after I had the baby. She would come to the house, high pitch scream mock the baby whenever she cried. The one time she did hold my daughter, she instantly stuck her in her swing and stood between me and the baby so I couldnt grab her. She was kicked out for that and we went no contact for awhile. Yes, I feel this is all relevant. Because around this time is when she also tried convincing my husband to quit his job and go work with her because she missed him and “needed him”. He was making $38 as a boat mechanic and she wanted him to go work as a “life coach” in a medical unit for $17. When he said no because he couldn’t take that pay cut, she got angry and told him that if I was working than it wouldn’t be an issue and that I need to get a job. He told her we had a plan and that pissed her off even more because she doesn’t like her precious baby boy being a provider because she thinks im using him now. Didn’t have issues before pregnancy but now I am the devil apparently.
Anywho, my husband did start working for another company 5 months ago and now he works 14hr overnight shifts and makes around $60 an hour. His mom came here last week and started planting seeds. Telling my husband he is missing all of his daughters upbringing and that it’s all because I dont work. Telling him I am a mooch or a leech or whatever. And yesterday evening I am all the sudden getting phone calls about a job position at my MIL’s employer, stating they got my application and want to bring me in for an interview and that MIL told them all about me and how I haven’t worked for “forever” so they are willing to help me out. I hang up and call my husband and he tells me that he was the one who put in the application and that it “would be nice” if I was working too because then he can “cut back hours and be home more”. So, his mom got in his head because this man would not be home more if I got a job. He is union, first year and has a mandatory set schedule for the next 2 years.
Now.. I told him at this point that if he’s really going to let his mom get in his head instead of actually focusing on facts and logicistics than I can go and he can move mommy in. He continued to defend his mother and say she was right. So, I left. I sent him a text telling him where I would be and told him that he could come and see our daughter absolutely whenever he wants but I am all set. He thinks it’s just about a job application and is telling people as much. But here’s my real problem.. I have over $400k saved, I have stocks, savings bonds, etc. The baby has a hefty bank account already that I contribute to weekly. Our home is owned outright. AND I still pay bills and have since I went on leave from work. I dont touch ‘his’ money (seperate bank accounts). I pay the internet, my phone, my insurance, ALL food for the home, and all of our streaming services. I am also the one who handles whatever the baby needs 90% of the time. He pays his phone, his insurance (much heavier than mine because he has 3 vehicles to my 1), his bike note, dinners if we go out and the hot water bill.
He says im overreacting here. That it’s not a big deal that he put an application in for me at his mother’s place of employment. To me, it is. The position he put an application in for is transporting teenagers with records from petty theft to violence against other people to and from their behavioral programs. A position that requires a driver, a security officer and 4 monitors due to behavioral issues. All because his mom convinced him I was a leech. I refuse to go back home however. I told him my requirements to going back home would be an absolute no contact with his mom for the near future, which he won’t agree to because she has health issues (Lupus). And for those wondering, no, she has zero relationship with our daughter. She wants no relationship with our daughter and every time she is in the presence of our child, she blatantly ignores her or just scream mocks her whenever she cries. Tells people still to this day that she is “indifferent” about my husband having a kid (hes the youngest of 4 and no, she does not act like this with her other kids or grandkids). Our daughter hates this woman. And again, NO, this was not a thing until I got pregnant. I used to brag about how great my MIL was. Now the only thing that interests her is sinking her claws in to my husband and he is falling for it. AITA?
Comments
NTA. You should look into the best interest of yourself and your daughter. Your husband is a grown man and shouldn’t be influenced by his mom on family issues.
NTA, but you should probably have a conversation with your husband about how you want to split the money responsibilities. How do you have so much money if you don’t work? It can be tough not seeing your kid grow up. Maybe you could both work part time?
Him applying to the mother was a big betrayal though. But you really can’t spend all of the time with the kid and expect your husband to be okay with taking 100% of the financial burden. That just isn’t normal anymore.
NTA. His Mum is a control freak and the fact that he’s let her get into his head about all of this instead of voicing any concerns with you that he might have had of his own prior to her getting involved tells me all I need to know about him.
NTA. You and your husband had an agreement about your daughter’s early childhood care and he’s violating the plan for no good reason. His mother is actively hostile to you and your child and I’m actually afraid she might hurt the baby. You have ample financial resources and i think you need to visit a very good lawyer alone, lay out the circumstances and the safety issues with your MIL and find out what your options are. Your MIL sounds seriously unbalanced and your husband is not much better if he can’t see his mom’s issues and support you.
Tell him his mom won and you’re done. The marriage is between the two of you, and he has now allowed his mother in. Which you will not accept. So tell him that either you’ll keep the house and he moves, he keeps and buys you out, or it gets sold and split the proceeds.
Let mommy dearest have him back. You and your daughter do not need this toxicity.
Keep strong.
NTA and please updateme
NTA sell the house, split the proceeds and live your life with your daughter. Would he want any custody if mommy doesn’t want her grandchild? Updateme
NTA. Pull everything that you pay for and let hubby know he’s on the hook for it this coming month. Your focus should be supporting the child, not the man-child
Updateme your husband is an idiot
NTA
NTA- you see the writing on the wall. Your husband is clearly NOT getting it and has no interest in getting it. Let him be in his ignorance and mommy can move in. Since she has health issues, it will be nice for him to take care of her and she can be all the way up his butt. I am sorry you had to learn what a spineless wimp you married this way.
Holy crap. Your MIL is mentally ill and needs to see someone. Aside from that, NTA. Don’t go back to your husband until he comes back to the side of sanity.
Sounds like you guys need to be in counseling for his mother issues. She needs to go though! Ugh. If he can’t see this then I don’t know what hope there is for a future. I would ban her from the house and go no contact. She sounds absolutely awful. Who mocks a one year old?
NTA! Does he even know why your MIL switched up like that? Or is it because he’s the youngest and her “baby?” If he’s so intent on his mom making his choices, mama’s boy can go live with her.
Updateme
NTA. Honestly, the turnaround in her treatment of you is so scary and abrupt I have to wonder if she has a brain tumor or some form of early dementia, because her behavior is completely off the wall. Lupus patients do have a higher-than-normal instance of Alzheimers or dementia, due to the effect of the disease on the nervous system. Plant THAT in your husband’s head. The fact that her son can’t see that or acknowledge it is also scary. And he’s wrong: Putting in an application at HER place of employment without even consulting you is beyond the pale, especially since you’ve worked very hard to set aside money so as to not have to work at this point of your daughter’s life. Looking at who pays what, I’d say that there’s a leech in this marriage, all right, but it sure isn’t you.
Maybe consider marriage counseling, because the fact that he can’t see her actions in their true light need to be addressed. (What rational adult woman mocks a baby crying?) But if he’s resistant, then he needs to take his 3 vehicles and move back in with Mommy. Life’s too short to put up with that crap.
NTA. Stop paying for his stuff. Tell him his mommy can do that. Yikes.
UpdateMe!
NTA Also, stop paying all those bills. Today.
NTA leave and never look back. His mother is his true life partner.
Updateme
NYA! Time to talk to a divorce lawyer.
NTA but your husband and MIL are huge AHs.
Stop paying for all the extras in the house where you no longer live. Find a good divorce lawyer.
MIL is extremely controlling. She doesn’t like it that she actually has to take a back seat to DIL and granddaughter. Sounds like she really wants her son all to herself. Hope they are very happy together.
She is abusing your child every time she screeches around her. She prevented you from taking her out of a swing.
NTA. I’m confused. It sounds like you and him have no issues paying your bills. You contribute without working outside the home. He decided to take a job with more pay and longer hours. How does your going back to work impact his hours? It sounds like you could make it work if he cut back on hours. He is allowing his mother to manipulate him. If you decide to go back, she would not be allowed back into my home. He could go see her as he sees fit. However, if he allows her to impact your relationship again, I would be done. Updateme
Nta but make a court arrangement custody order and use your evidence so that your ex mIL will not be able to have any access to your daughter or betters still have a supervised order for your ex husband
NTA. You absolutely did the right thing. It’s very disappointing that your husband is letting her manipulate him. It might be exhaustion from his work that she’s exploiting but it’s not a justification and he needs to get a grip or lose his family. Hold your ground, this is definitely a hill to die on.
Sounds like you married a spineless man who is easily manipulated. Tell him he won’t need to worry about money now, because you and baby are gone. He won’t need to worry about your life, your baby. You’re gone as long as his mommy rules the roost.
And if her place of employment calls you again, unload on them …tell them what’s she done and hubby and that you’re not looking for work. You’re looking for a man with a spine. Call them out. Shame them both. He needs counseling so he learns how to pull his head out of his mommy’s tush. What a spineless, easily manipulated man. You are better off without him. Let MIL know that she doesn’t need to worry about him now, you are leaving the spineless man she raised. He’s all hers.
Updateme
NTA. UpdateMe please!
NTA Make sure you take your name off of every utility you’ve been paying. He is a complete fool and if he could be so easily manipulated by his mother, than she is who he needs to have a relationship with.
Updateme
“I didn’t sign up to be married to a pathetic twatwaffle that is more concerned with pleasing mummy than his wife. You will see your child, but I can never utseende ymhow you are still suckling at your mummy’s nipple. It’s disgusting and infuriating. Your mum doesn’t even like your own child, and somehow that’s okay for you. That’s what I call a worthless father”
NTA
NTA. Go ahead and file for divorce – then he and his mommy can be together. Make sure you file for full custody.
Don’t go back no matter what he agrees to or promises. This won’t ever change. Just file and be done. He might eventually agree to going NC but it’s only a matter of time before he lets her back in. His mom’s behavior is beyond gross. She’s very much enmeshed with him. And the way she acts towards your daughter will become a source of contention in future as she begins to understand this for herself. You will have to watch her get hurt and rejected by this woman over and over. At least being divorced gives your daughter a safe place to come to after seeing her. I’d tell your husband his mom is acting like she to wants to take your place. It’s very bizarre behavior on her part.
NTA you did the right thing. I assume you canceled all services for the house. I am so sorry, it does not sound like therapy and no contact would actually help.
Enjoy the time with your daughter, you deserve some peaceful, non-crazy time.
UpdateMe!
NTA this sounds like emotional incest. It was all ok till you gave him the one thing she couldn’t, a baby. Suddenly you’re the other woman to her which explains her reaction to your child.
Also he took a job that would take him away from his child. Mmm coincidence… I doubt it. She’s trying to remove him from you and his child and she did. And he was too much of an idiot to see it.
He’ll also struggle to get much custody with that schedule and please do tell a judge about her attitude to your child
Honestly, get a lawyer, leave his to his little incestuous relationship with his mother and get on with your life.
UpdateMe
Updateme
Husband wants wife to take minimum wage job. Is he going to step up and provide care for his child while his wife works? Would he be happier if you went back to your normal job full-time? Does he want to be a SAHD? Would he do the childcare or just bum around all day? Would he be happy having a carve out time to have exclusive care of the baby for 2-4 hours a week? At a minimum it is time to have a conversation about family rolls that totally excludes his Mummy.
If she doesn’t act like this with her other grandchildren … then … does she imagine it’s not his kid? Something is twisted here! Is husband her “baby” and she’s jealous you took him and made him a father ? He can’t be her baby if he’s a father. Something serious is wrong with her head.
The driving “juvenile delinquents” as we used to call them is DANGEROUS! Tons of drama and issues all the time. You don’t need that. Say NO!
Update me
You and your daughter are better off without him and his mother. He has allowed her to get into his head and now he has lost his family as a result. Does he not see how his mother mocks his child? How she clearly dislikes his child? Update us if he ever wakes up from this madness.
Absolutely cut him off financially. If he wants him mommy to control him and cause you to leave, he can pay for his own bills and services.
Just make sure he can’t touch any of your money that you have saved. And force the sale of the house so you get half the money. Unless it was his before the marriage, of course. But he should still pay for child support.
Updateme!
NTA. You made it clear you and your daughter vs. Mommy and he chose Mommy. Maybe you should seek your options with a divorce attorney.
Stop paying for anything in that home immediately. You don’t live there you do not contribute. Get a lawyer FAST. I am not sure of the laws where you live but YOU left the home and in my state that would mean you are not entitled to any of it. This is no joke – not getting a lawyer could cost you THOUSANDS down the road.
Even if you don’t need it – get child support. Put all that money away for her
Updateme
NTA
You need to require immediate couples therapy and firm boundaries with his mother before you ever consider returning home. Also, demand a complete retraction of all the bullshit. He has to tell every single person he has spoken to about this situation the unvarnished truth. It was never about a job, even if the job was an amazing one. It was about him allowing his mother to get into his head, manipulate him and paint a picture of you that he knows is false.
UpdateMe!
NTA Divorce and move on let him marry his mom
What a looser. Your lucky to be rid of him. Imagining calling you a leech when your set up better then most Americans. Your not a child. If you wanted a job you can get your own job and definitely not at the place his mommy works. He didn’t let her pick his job why is it OK for you. He lost a good woman and full time with his child for a woman that should have been cut off long ago. What does she bring to his life that makes worth losing everything sit ok with him? Just serve him papers since he obviously doesn’t want you back. He’s going to regret this for the rest of his life. Hope him and his mommy are very happy together.
NTA but I wouldn’t be paying the bills for a house I wasn’t living in. He’s had it good and now let his mother get in his head, he can start to find out what it’s actually like. Stop paying bills that don’t concern you, that is bills for the house that you aren’t in, doesn’t matter how much money you have saved it’s the principle.
NTA. Divorce him and cut him off.
NTA. Your husband is turning a blind eye to his mother mistreating not only you but your daughter. He knows what’s going on but would rather support Mommy than stand up to this cruel behavior towards his child. It’s bad enough how she acts towards you but towards an innocent child. Go to an attorney and leave this weak man that doesn’t have his priorities right.
Updateme!
NTA. Good for you.
Start keeping track and records of everything MIL has done. If you’re really splitting your and end up arguing about custody, you want to be able to make arguments about her being around your child.
NTA start looking for a lawyer now.
NTA time to see a divorce lawyer. He’s chosen his mother over his wife and child. He is not a good man.
NTA. Tell him, as he is now married to his mommy, that he clearly doesn’t need or value you. So, divorce it is. Stop paying his bills and let him handle it, so that he sees that you paid more than him. Hand him the bills for his daughter too. And then write down what he pays for himself alone. Would be funny to see how he is disputing this.
And you can do that, too, so that you have something to show in the divorce. xD He doesn’t have anything he can show, as he never paid.
UpdateMe.
Please make sure to cancel ALL subscriptions immediately 🤣😜
UpdateMe
Have you immediately seen a lawyer number? One number two? Neither one of them had a right to fill out an application and forge your name. So I would demand the application from that place and if it has a signature on it then I would definitely take legal action. If somebody forged your name, one of them needs to take the fall for it, but I’d have a lawyer a good one. The best one you can find. Let them go after your husband for the fees. After you explain everything that’s happened and every bit of evidence you can get and get rid of him. Maybe the fact that he’s going to have to pay mega child support and probably a little bit of alimony and probably sell the house and split the value of everything all of a sudden. He’s going to realize that he doesn’t get any more time with his kid than he would have according to his mother. Let him go home and be a mama’s boy. Maybe he’ll grow up maybe at the very minimum. He’ll become a halfway decent father for your child
Right now he’s not a decent husband. He’s not a decent father. She never should be near that child as a grandparent and you should already have a lawyer because you need to protect yourself and your daughter
See a lawyer.
Give him six months to cut his mom or leave your house.
Stop paying bills at three months mark.
UpdateMe
Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this but on the upside you do seem to actually have a good head on your shoulders and are not like the usual troglodytes posting on here.
You’re obviously at a huge junction in your relationship here and I’m not really a fan of therapy as I think intelligent couples should be able to sit down and talk to each other in a calm manner and work through (or not) their problems in their marriage but either way come to a logical conclusion together. However, in this case it seems that his mother has basically brainwashed him against you and so a third party might be helpful.
I would sit him down away from distractions and do the two card scenario. Give him one card with a divorce lawyer and one for a couples therapist and very calmly tell him he has to choose one.
Explain that he is not the same person you married and that you feel his mother has literally brainwashed him but you understand that he’s not going to accept that from you because….well when you’ve been brainwashed the person doesn’t know it so either he can get validation from a therapist that he’s either been manipulated by his mother (or not) or you can divorce now.
Good luck
updateme
NTA. I commend you for taking charge of your life (and your daughter’s) and I wish more women would do that (but I recognize that every case is different). I also commend you for all you have saved and for paying for pretty much everything while living with your husband. Does your husband have any idea about your finances? If he doesn’t, I definitely would not start telling him. He lied to you and then conveniently forgot to tell you he handed in an Application on your behalf to work with his mother, who doesn’t like you or even talks to you and ignores your daughter. You should also stop paying for the internet and streaming services so that your husband and mil can no longer use them, and since you don’t live there anymore, buying your own groceries will be much easier for you. Your husband is a major TA.
Nta
Op, you got this. Let him see, let him feel your absence. You’re financially covered. You don’t need him financially as much as he needs you to make his world go round. Help him understand that his mom does not rule your life. Sometimes, living the consequences of our own choices is the only way we learn.
Updateme!
Stop talking to him unless it’s about your daughter. Tell him he can have fun paying for all the bills now and that you are no longer leeching off him, and live your best life away from the Mommy’s boy with a coparenting relationship. He can die alone or get a girl who is willing to let his mother walk all over her.
“He says im overreacting here. That it’s not a big deal that he put an application in for me at his mother’s place of employment. “
It was in fact, a huge fucking deal.
NTA
Something weird about MIL. NTA, how dare anyone apply for a job on your behalf if you didn’t ask them to do it!
NTA. Glad you have resources.
Divorce him.
Nta. Instead of talking to you about it, he just decided to put in an application to some random and dangerous job at his mom’s workplace. That’s bonkers. Yeah, don’t go home until he and his mom get some mental help.
lawyer time, Your marriage is over. Secure sounds immediately.
Get a lawyer and protect your savings!
How old is his mom? Is it possible she’s starting Alzheimers? I’m 58, I’m not one of those who think all middle aged people are ancient, but she sounds like she’s had a serious personality change. Has anyone else noticed any changes? It’s all very weird.
He should be ashamed of himself as husband and a father! Tell him you want a divorce because you certainly don’t need him for financial support and just enjoy your daughter. He’s mom is a disgrace of a woman and just plain disgusting. Good luck Op 🫶🙏🏻🫂 NTA. Update me