So I (25F) recently started living with my grandparents after getting a new job. I’ve always had a good relationship with them, and they have always been supportive of me, including when I came out as asexual. Over the weekend they said they were going to dinner with two of their friends, a married couple (my grandma and the wife used to work together and are pretty much best friends) and asked if I would like to come along. I said sure. I’ve met the wife a few times, but not her husband, J (or if I did, it was when I was a little kid).
We get to the restaurant and chat. After he and his wife ask about my new job and move, they ask if I still like to write stories. I’ve been writing pretty much my whole life, so I say yes and that “I’m always writing something.” (I took good care to pronounce the ‘t’–I used to ride horses when I was younger so I’ve always enunciated carefully to make the distinction between the two.)
J then winks at me and says “how about boyfriends? Are you riding any of those?” His enunciation was very clear, so I know I didn’t mishear him. I said “no” very flatly but couldn’t think of what else to say in response because I wasn’t expecting it. He said “good, otherwise you end up with a husband and kids” and winked at me again.
I know that is far from the most offensive or crass sex joke in the world, but still made me feel sick and lose my appetite. A few minutes later (we hadn’t ordered yet), I politely excused myself, said I wasn’t feeling well, and drove back home (my grandparents and I came in separate cars). When my grandparents go home, I told them why I really left, as I hadn’t wanted to make a scene at the restaurant. They told me I was overreacting and that was just J’s sense of humor, and he doesn’t know that I’m ace.
I’m not upset about the joke because I’m asexual, I’m upset because a man who’s 50-60 years older than me (and one I don’t know at all, to boot) made a sexual joke about me to my face in front of my family. It was humiliating. I told my grandparents that I wouldn’t be having lunch with J again, and they said they wouldn’t know how to explain that to him. I said that wasn’t my problem. We haven’t talked about it at all since. AITA?
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So I (25F) recently started living with my grandparents after getting a new job. I’ve always had a good relationship with them, and they have always been supportive of me, including when I came out as asexual. Over the weekend they said they were going to dinner with two of their friends, a married couple (my grandma and the wife used to work together and are pretty much best friends) and asked if I would like to come along. I said sure. I’ve met the wife a few times, but not her husband, J (or if I did, it was when I was a little kid).
We get to the restaurant and chat. After he and his wife ask about my new job and move, they ask if I still like to write stories. I’ve been writing pretty much my whole life, so I say yes and that “I’m always writing something.” (I took good care to pronounce the ‘t’–I used to ride horses when I was younger so I’ve always enunciated carefully to make the distinction between the two.)
J then winks at me and says “how about boyfriends? Are you riding any of those?” His enunciation was very clear, so I know I didn’t mishear him. I said “no” very flatly but couldn’t think of what else to say in response because I wasn’t expecting it. He said “good, otherwise you end up with a husband and kids” and winked at me again.
I know that is far from the most offensive or crass sex joke in the world, but still made me feel sick and lose my appetite. A few minutes later (we hadn’t ordered yet), I politely excused myself, said I wasn’t feeling well, and drove back home (my grandparents and I came in separate cars). When my grandparents go home, I told them why I really left, as I hadn’t wanted to make a scene at the restaurant. They told me I was overreacting and that was just J’s sense of humor, and he doesn’t know that I’m ace.
I’m not upset about the joke because I’m asexual, I’m upset because a man who’s 50-60 years older than me (and one I don’t know at all, to boot) made a sexual joke about me to my face in front of my family. It was humiliating. I told my grandparents that I wouldn’t be having lunch with J again, and they said they wouldn’t know how to explain that to him. I said that wasn’t my problem. We haven’t talked about it at all since. AITA?
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> I left a dinner and told my grandparents I wouldn’t be eating with their friend again, and it wasn’t my responsibility to explain why to their friend. This might make me the asshole because that was rude and I could have handled it better.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Some old guy who basically doesn’t know you doesn’t get to ask you if you’re having sex or not. I don’t know why your grandparents would have trouble explaining this.
Of course you’re free to leave if you’re not comfortable, but I suggest this was a situation you could have got over, certainly for your grandparents’ benefit if not your own.
If that’s all it takes for you to be so upset that you have to physically retreat, then you’re going to find life very difficult.
In short – toughen up!
NTA. They were sticking up for his very very inappropriate behavior. He was being lascivious and was getting away with as much as he could in plain view, so who the hell knows what he does when he’s not seen by everyone? I don’t blame you for leaving. You have to protect yourself because your grandparents sure aren’t going to here.
NTA. What he said was gross and inappropriate. You are setting boundaries which is mature and appropriate.
Wow. If you’re that sensitive, you are going to have a rough go in life.
nta. i used to work in the trades, these jokes are so common, i find it so gross.
This has nothing to do with you identifying as ace — which is NO ONE’s business but yours.
Your grandparents friend is an AH, and the fact that they did not find that question distasteful is concerning.
NTA.
NTA. He made a weird ass joke out of left field and I’m shocked your grandparents weren’t put off by his commentary towards their own grandchild.
If THEY want to let their friend’s behavior towards /them/ slide then thats their prerogative but you certainly do not have to put up with it for their sake.
NTA. You typically don’t use humor like that unless you know your audience/they’re ok with jokes like that, which he clearly didn’t even try to figure out. Creep factor aside it’s just poor taste.
NTA. You didn’t leap up, slap the guy, then storm off.
You politely excused yourself.
NTA and I think it’s great that you didn’t just go along with it. Nasty old man.
You could always make HIM feel uncomfortable.
He makes stupid, crass joke.
You look at him and say – I don’t understand. What are you trying to say? Please explain. (Followed by silence.) No matter what he says or stutters, you simply listen. When he finishes, you say – I don’t understand. What are you trying to say? Please explain. (Followed by silence.) Repeat as needed.
You are age 25, living with your grandparents, and upset at what their friend said at a dinner?
That sort of “joke” is wildly inappropriate, particularly in the context you described. While getting up and leaving was perhaps a bit much (a cold stare with deadpan delivery of “gosh you may have finished high school 60 years ago but you still have a high school boy’s sense of humor” might have been more effective) you aren’t an asshole. J IS an asshole and I’m sorry to say so are your grandparents for not supporting your stance. NTA.
J is inappropriate, but also, boomers are weird & have cringe humour.
You are a little sensitive, but you also excused yourself in a non confrontational way, so no real issue there either.
Your grandparents, I kinda get it, but I guess if J did it again after you’ve brought it up to them, I’d hope that they’d at least give off social ques to express that he’s being weird asking questions like that.
Overall, this is a meh situation.
“What about you J? Still getting erections? Or do you have a limp dick in your old age?”
NTA. What he said was pervy and off-putting. Some of the comments here are telling you to toughen up, which seems silly, so I’m not going to do that.
But what I will say is get used to processing those uncomfortable feelings alone if you’re not willing to speak up in the moment. Also don’t expect anyone to speak up for you. Your grandparents likely won’t in this situation. Ive got no faith in their generation with things like this.
Its taken years, but I’ve gotten pretty good at leaning right into the discomfort and shaming people on the stop. I would’ve taken a pause to see if anyone spoke up and then addressed my grandparents, “Wow I don’t think it’s appropriate to speak about sex at the dinner table, don’t you agree? I’ve lost my appetite and will see you both at home. Goodnight.”
Puts the focus right on him and his creepy ass behavior, plus shames everyone else at the table about what is appropriate. Its not socially acceptable. Doesn’t matter if it’s a “joke.” Naming that lack of decorum trumps the joke for that gen.
For what it’s worth, given you live with your grandparents, I think you made the best move. You weren’t “disrespectful”, you left, and you spoke up to your grandparents. And you decided to not have dinner with those people again. That’s all you can do. No notes ❤️
I mean it was a little crass but I don’t know I really don’t think its that sexual of a joke. I kind of had to reread it a few times to see what the issue is. Well, I suppose what is important is that it was something that offended you. NTA, for leaving. If your uncomfortable then you have no reason to stay. Your grandparents are wrong for pressuring you. They simply have to let J know that you aren’t available for lunch next time. They owe no further explanation than that.
You tell them that they can explain it to them or you can explain it to them, but you will be willing to bet their explaination is probably going to be a lot more understandable than yours, seeing as nobody has a right to discuss your sex life but you.
NTA
NTA, but you need to toughin’ up. You’re 25 and your ability to remain composed will be increasingly tested as will the expectations of your family, friends, and western society in general.
NTA
I would tell your grandparents that you that was his one ‘free-bee’ in that you politely excused yourself and didn’t call him out on his behavior THIS time. And put your grandparents on notice that If this guy is ever in your vicinity and makes another completely crass and inappropriate comment like that, you WILL call him out on it and make a point of asking him how much of a desperate, dirty old man he is to keep needing to disrespect his wife and be vulgar to the grandchild of his wife’s closest friend.
Even if your grandparents continue to see the couple, I am sure that (1) they won’t even try to ask you both to be in the same space and (2) will not complain that they would have to explain why you aren’t with them.
BTW, the idea that this other couple would expect a 20-something to continue to accompany her grandparents and that your grandparents would feel awkward that you weren’t with them is just another level of gross. As if your grandparents have to provide a young lady for this guy to ogle and insult.
NTA.
Wow. Another case of old people excusing bad behaviour because “that’s just how they are” and “they didn’t mean anything by it”. Fuck off with that.
This was a perverted old man who was making sexual innuendos to a young female stranger. In front of your family. And his wife. What a disgusting man.
Your grandparents are also AHs here because they excused his behaviour multiple times, blamed you by insisting that you overreacted and are now worried about how he’ll take it now that you’ve set boundaries. Sounds like they need to some apart from you as well.
NTA
Your sexuality has absolutely NOTHING to do with J’s “joke”. He behaved extremely inappropriately and you were right to excuse yourself. Honestly, what he said gave me the creeps. I would just not be around him anymore, he sounds like a disgusting pig who thinks sexually harassing people is “FuNnY”. 🙄
NTA, but….. I personally think you over reacted. You are taking it personally, & since he doesn’t know you are asexual, it wasn’t meant that way. He’s just a creepy old man with a crappy sense of humor.
NTA and that “joke” was not funny!!
NTA J is a creepy old perv.
You were not overreacting, your response was elegant and absolutely appropriate. Good job.
I would have asked him if HE had been riding any new boyfriends lately.
That’s just vile. NTA. I’m not sure whose the bigger AH, though. Him for his vile comment (not a joke), or your grandparents for just sitting there when he spoke to you like that then blaming you.
NTA
NTA you handled this very well!
Boomers defending boomers. NTA.
NTA. You weren’t rude, you didn’t make a scene, you didn’t even call him out. You politely excused yourself and left. His comment was gross. It has nothing to do with being ace. It has everything to do with him being sleazy.
NTA and how does that man know anything about your personal life. Maybe I’m assuming he knows something he doesn’t, but it was clearly inappropriate and your grandparents, of all people, should know better.
You’re not an asshole, but do yourself a favor and don’t go out with your grandparents
when they are going out with their friends. They grew up in a different time where those type of jokes are acceptable to them. They are not acceptable to you so don’t put yourself in that position to be uncomfortable and insulted.
Somehow, I don’t think your grandparents are going to be inviting you again anyway.
NTA. I agree that he was being gross regardless of your sexual orientation.
YTA. Yes, he was inappropriate, but you’re an adult. Fight your own battles. Have the intestinal fortitude to tell the man directly that his sexual remarks are inappropriate, especially considering his wife was sitting next to him, you’re at least 30 years younger than him, and you’ve given him zero reason to believe he’s earned that level of intimacy.
I can’t quite get past a 25yo voluntarily going out to eat with her grandparents’ rando friends that she doesn’t really even know.
NTA but I think there’s room for growth here on your end OP. The gramp’s friend was definitely gross but there’s asshole locker room talk gross to Harvey Weinstein gross. I think we – individually and as a society need to learn how to approach these problems on the spectrum of sexual harassment with different tools and communication skills.
Yours feels closer to the locker room talk gross and while that’s still not okay, you’re unfortunately going to be facing that kind of behavior throughout life. It’s not always going to be situations that you can excuse yourself from. Speaking truly for your best interest and trying not to minimize the experience you went through, next time something like that happens – how will you react? How will you engage with society when negative interactions come your way?
When a friend says something stupid to you when they’re drunk, when your boss says something off putting but not HR – reportable over a holiday party, when you have to see your grandpa’s friend again, what will you do?
I say you need coping skills to help you stay in this situation because life is always going to be throwing shit like this your way. And the standards for what will be societally condoned is unfortunately going in the wrong direction so how will you fend for yourself? Learn to throw jokes back at them? Learn to just ignore and move on? Learn to ask your grandparents and other people around you for support? (Taking care to note that if this remotely turned into sexual harrasment/assault territory – absolutely protect yourself, set strong boundaries, report it)
Idk about the AITA rating tbh, but you need to grow up. It’s a joke, if you’re gonna get upset about every joke that you don’t like then you’re gonna have some real issues whether that’s work or relationships.
It’s not like he joked about you riding him, he likely didn’t know you were asexual, not like your grandparents are telling that to everyone they meet lol. It’d be one thing if your family is heavily religious since most religions frown upon jokes like that, but being that they’re friends with your grandparents I’d assume they’d know if that was the case. A harmless joke shouldn’t be embarrassing, especially since your grandparents already know you won’t be riding anyone.
I am not ace and I would find that extremely inappropriate. Even if the guy was close to my age I would find it inappropriate.
It would have been bad enough if he had asked if you had a boyfriend – still in appropriate and none of his damn business – but he was asking if you were sexually active. The only person who can ask that without being inappropriate is your doctor, and then only if it is relevant to whatever you are consulting them about.
Ask your grandparents what is so funny about it.
As for not knowing how to explain it, they can tell them exactly what you said.
Before anyone comments that I don’t understand how older people think – I have adult grandchildren.
Oh c’mon – it was a joke in poor taste and maybe even more so because of the age gap. But if that makes you sick to your stomach – you have a “very thin skin”. Do you really think he was hitting on you in front of his wife and his wife’s good friend (your grandmother)?
While making such a joke with someone much younger has an icky factor – the icky factor was a 3 out of 10 not a 9 out of 10.
You’re not an ashole at all but – it wasn’t a dinner leaving worthy event – but you definitely overreacted.
NTA. If it were me, I’d drop the subject only after stating my reasons. Feel free to decline invitations in the future.
NTA, but your social skills could use some work. Yes, his comment was inappropriate but I definitely don’t think it was worth leaving over. You could have easily defused by lightly calling him out, keeping the tone humorous, but moving the conversation along so its clear you don’t want to discuss.
I just think there’s going to be so many situations in your life where having some tact and ability to handle other people’s bad behavior with grace and wit will be so much more beneficial for you than to behave like a surly teenager. It was obvious why you left and it makes you appear immature and oversensitive rather than someone who can roll with the punches.
You know I understand making a joke like this with my friends. But to some one you have just met, AND who’s close to your granddaughter’s age, it’s wildly inappropriate.
I would suggest not be too hard on your grandparents. But definitely don’t meet or have a conversation with that weirdo. If you ever get stuck with him in a conversation (God forbid), be very direct and tell him the reason why you avoid him.
NTA
NTA but you’ll have to deal with worse in life, get used to it … On a tangent though, am I just not in the know anymore because as far as I knew, you don’t need to come out as asexual… You just are asexual or you’re not …Why make a deal out of it? By speaking about your lack of sexuality you are talking about sexuality… Which seems counterintuitive, seeing as you’re upset at someone speaking about your sexuality?
You can hang out with whomever you want to, but you are way overreacting..
NTA. Credit to you for handling a rough situation with such grace, you were respectful and considerate in the moment yet still mafe sure to set a boundary! The older generations are struggling with these moments more and more often and that gives me hope for progress 💙
Yeah I think it was a crass comment – but to leave a restaurant over that comment… I mean you’re 25 not 15. He said something inappropriate – but you need to toughen up.
Does he pay your bills? Does he provide you with a place to live? Do you look up to him? Does he mean anything to you? The answer is no to each of those. Then his comment was just an inappropriate attempt at a “joke”. Remember, for someone to offend you, their opinion has to mean something to you, or you are insecure about being asexual. You’re not the AH for leaving because you did it in a calm way, but you are torturing yourself unnecessarily by second-guessing your decisions.
NTA. He was inappropriate and rude. He was entertaining himself by trying to make you uncomfortable. Confronting that behavior would be the icing on the cake for him, it wouldn’t make him rethink his rudeness. You’re under no obligation to sit through a meal with a stranger who is overfamiliar and trying to get a rise out of you.
Straight, bi, gay, ace, doesn’t matter. Asking a stranger if they are riding someone is way out of line.
Jokes are only funny if everyone is laughing.
They can explaining it as “your joke was offensive, and you’ve permanently ruined your first impression”
I’d’ve laughed in his face & said “I’ll never tell!”. Not sure why we all have to be super offended about everything. The guy’s wrong, sure but it doesn’t have to run your life. NTA tho.
NTA. Attitudes about the social acceptability of men making blatantly sexualizing comments to women and girls has changed enormously over the past 30’ish years. Not yet far enough. But your grandparents have been marinating in old-school sexism and misogyny their whole lives.
They can’t imagine explain it to their friends because they fundamentally don’t see the problem.
If you feel it’s worth it, you can try to educate your grandparents who might be willing to learn so long as they feel certain you don’t expect them to change their friends. But that’s a big ask, and more than you might want to take on.
NTA.
And to all the people defending J by saying it was a joke, explain exactly what the joke was and why it was funny?
To the ones saying OP is overreacting or needs to toughen up, why does she have to accept disrespect from a man decades older than her who she has never met before? Why do you think it’s appropriate for a man her grandparents age to make sexual ‘jokes’ or innuendos about her? How is quietly making an excuse and leaving a situation that made her uncomfortable and then refusing to be around a person who made her uncomfortable overreacting?
This comment section reeks of misogyny. So, no, OP you’re NTA and you didn’t overreact. Honestly, you would have been well within your rights to call him a disgusting old perv and embarrassing him in front of everyone
YTA . So he’s cringy. That was NOT a sexual joke. What is it about your generation that you feel it’s your job to confront everyone about everything? And why are YOU confiding in others about your sexual orientation? That’s PRIVATE and very cringy to most people.
NTA. You never met this man before, just his wife, and one of his first comments to you was asking about your sex life? That is serious predator vibes. Like who talks to their friends GRANDKIDS about that? Like gross. As a parent, if one of my parent’s friends made that comment to my kids, I’d be upset.
I haven’t read through all of the comments, and you’re definitely NTA but I’m also wondering about a teaching moment, as in yes there are definitely still inappropriate older people (and some not much older) but if you can find the strength within yourself, it’s always good to try and educate. “Hey i know that might have been ok to say some years ago, but it’s kind of a bit rude to say to someone now. Were you aware of that?”. Maybe they’re not open to it, but I have had a lot of success with explaining things like this. Discreetly of course.
NAH
You can leave if you want to. But seriously. He made a vaguely inappropriate comment, and you got up and left. You overreacted. You’re going to have a difficult life if you’re going to get offended by everything
NTA, and it doesn’t matter what age they are, or what your sexual orientation or preferences are, it’s grossly inappropriate to ask someone you’ve just met “Hey, you banging anyone these days?”
I have friends in their 70’s and older who would NEVER be so rude because they actually have manners.
NTA
I wouldn’t have “excused myself”. I would have walked out without saying a word. If I did say anything, I would have told the asshole what a rude, disgusting, inappropriate, and obscene thing it was that he had said.
YTA. You’re living rent free and you were about to be treated to dinner.
A very old man who is still trying to understand how cell phones work makes a bad joke trying to actually connect with you, and you get up and leave?
As you describe it, the guy seems to be clumsily trying to break the ice. He expressed interest in your writing then made a bad joke and that’s it it’s over for him?
You’re 25. Grow some courage and try to converse with old people. This guy seems like someone you could have politely tried to correct and maybe started an interesting convo and educate, but you just ended it and showed zero respect for your bankers I mean grandparents.
Leaving is basically throwing down a gauntlet. You need to have some empathy for someone freakin 60 years older than you. They are going to screw up. When they screw up you correct them. And then if they are still an asshole you can leave. But not even giving the guy a chance? After what your grandparents are doing for you?
Learn how to respectfully push back on people who aren’t complete and total aholes, but may be a little ignorant.
NTA any stranger that asks another stranger if they’re riding dicks is a creep, let alone a 40+ age gap.
What’s funny about asking someone who could he his grandchild if she’s riding dicks? What’s the punchline?
NTA. He’s a creep
I feel like I might have said that I am uncomfortable around those kinds of jokes at the moment he said it. He and your grandparents think its OK. Unless you tell him that you are uncomfortable with sexual innuendo type humor, they wont know. Once you express that, ask if he can refrain from those style jokes in front of you please. If after setting the boundary the friend cannot comply, then you leave. But until then, they cannot read minds or know that you feel uncomfortable. You can do it, it is OK to express your opinions.
NTA “that’s just the way they are” is the worst excuse for shitty behavior. If someone was trying to light people on fire in their sleep or something awful you wouldn’t excuse it as “oh that’s just how they are, they love fire! Don’t overreact you only got burned a little”
Next time someone says aometh8ng out of pocket say “Pardon?” And if they repeat it say “Thats what I thought you said but its such an odd thing to say I would have sworn that I misheard you.”
If they dont repeat it you can either just let it lie or you can double down and say “Its sounded like you said x but that would be so inappropriate and rude.”
Usually they’re too bashful to actually repeat the statement once you dont give them the response they want
NTA. You didn’t cause a scene and politely excused yourself. You acted with grace. Tell yourself this as many times as you need, “I do not need to remain in an uncomfortable situation to preserve someone else’s feelings or ego.”
I’ve had to deal with a lot of this ‘humour’ over the years. My favourite way to deal with it is act really clueless about the joke and make them explain why it’s funny. “Did you say riding boyfriends? I don’t understand what you mean?” They generally end up flustered and embarrassed when I go down this road. Or I’d go the other route and say something like, “Don’t try to live vicariously through me. I don’t kiss and tell.” Shuts it down and throws a little shade.
You’re 25 and living with your grandparents. You’re an asshole! I am sure they have told their friend that you think you are asexual and they all got a big laugh out of it, as they should.
Be grateful that your grandparents are letting you live with them.
NTA, Boundaries are boundaries. That wasn’t “just a joke,” that was a gross old man making a sexual comment about you to your face. You handled it way better than most people would have, and your grandparents need to realize that “his sense of humor” doesn’t mean you have to sit there and laugh along.
“I’m sorry, did you just ask if I’m fucking anybody?”