Currently I (29F) am on vacation with my fiancé and 5 other friends. There’s 3 of us girls here as well. We’re besties, but in the past I have felt left out of our trio girl group. I’ve known my best girl friend for over 20 years, her name is Sarah. Then our other girl friend, Haley, came into the mix a few years ago.
I have expressed to Sarah that I feel like we’re growing apart. That she gives special treatment to Haley and when we all hangout I sometimes feel like they purposefully try to not include me. My friend Sarah once told me that since her and haley are both married and are on similar life tracks with families and they’re just naturally closer now. There’s been many instances where I feel in my core that she is getting further away from me and closer to Haley. It hurts me so deep down.
This trip has been really great, until yesterday. We were all hanging out on a boat, Sarah and Haley kept taking selfies together. Then they would get offered wine, and Haley would only say her and Sarah wanted some, never even asked me. Haley would say “none for you OP, only me and Sarah get some”. I would then say that I actually did want some and she would then tease me and say she was joking and I could have it.
It’s also hard because Haley’s husband and Sarah’s husband are extremely close. So close to the point they joke they are all each others wives and hubbies. Leaving me and my fiancé feeling kind of left out.
Once we got off the boat, we went shopping around a bit. Sarah and Haley kept talking about how they wanted purses, which I mentioned I would be down to take a look around for some. I wasn’t as enthusiastic as them about finding one, but I did mention I was interested. Maybe I came off as too indifferent for them to really care.
The first shop we went in, they both left immediately saying they hated them all. I mentioned I had liked some, but I was down to follow them around to some other spots. We were walking then Haley kept saying to her husband, “Me and Sarah really liked a purse at the other spot” and she kept repeating it over and over saying “Me and Sarah want to go here” and other things that weren’t including me whatsoever.
I was standing right behind them and they never once asked me what I thought or what I wanted. Then they walked way ahead of me, never even looking back. I then turned to my fiancé and told him they clearly didn’t want me there and I was feeling hurt and annoyed. I suppose I could’ve inserted myself and said I was interested too, but I felt awkward and unwanted.
He told me I shouldn’t care what they want to do or follow them around. It kind of ended up turning into a fight between us because he kept telling me that it wasn’t a big deal and I kept saying I just wanted to go back to the hotel. I did end up saying something to my friends and one of them actually did agree that she has felt left out as well sometimes, but she just doesn’t let it affect her.
I feel awful for allowing this to get to me. AITA for leaving my friends when I felt left out?
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Currently I (29F) am on vacation with my fiancé and 5 other friends. There’s 3 of us girls here as well. We’re besties, but in the past I have felt left out of our trio girl group. I’ve known my best girl friend for over 20 years, her name is Sarah. Then our other girl friend, Haley, came into the mix a few years ago.
I have expressed to Sarah that I feel like we’re growing apart. That she gives special treatment to Haley and when we all hangout I sometimes feel like they purposefully try to not include me. My friend Sarah once told me that since her and haley are both married and are on similar life tracks with families and they’re just naturally closer now. There’s been many instances where I feel in my core that she is getting further away from me and closer to Haley. It hurts me so deep down.
This trip has been really great, until yesterday. We were all hanging out on a boat, Sarah and Haley kept taking selfies together. Then they would get offered wine, and Haley would say “none for you OP, only me and Sarah get some”. I would then say that I actually did want some and she would then tease me and say she was joking and I could have it.
It’s also hard because Haley’s husband and Sarah’s husband are extremely close. So close to the point they joke they are all each others wives and hubbies. Leaving me and my fiancé feeling kind of left out.
Once we got off the boat, we went shopping around a bit. Sarah and Haley kept talking about how they wanted purses, which I mentioned I would be down to take a look around for some. I wasn’t as enthusiastic as them about finding one, but I did mention I was interested.
The first shop we went in, they both left immediately saying they hated them all. I mentioned I had liked some, but I was down to follow them around to some other spots. We were walking then Haley kept saying to her husband, “Me and Sarah really liked a purse at the other spot” and she kept repeating it over and over saying “Me and Sarah want to go here” and other things that weren’t including me whatsoever.
I was standing right behind them and they never once asked me what I thought or what I wanted. Then they walked way ahead of me, never even looking back. I then turned to my fiancé and told him they clearly didn’t want me there and I was feeling hurt and annoyed.
He told me I shouldn’t care what they want to do or follow them around. It kind of ended up turning into a fight between us because he kept telling me that it wasn’t a big deal and I kept saying I just wanted to go back to the hotel. I did end up saying something to my friends and one of them actually did agree that she has felt left out as well sometimes, but she just doesn’t let it affect her.
I feel awful for allowing this to get to me. AITA for leaving my friends when I felt left out?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I let feeling left out take over my emotions
2) I could be the asshole because I should’ve just let it go and enjoyed my vacation
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – These things happen. Friendships drift apart. Never fun but a fact of life. Move on! You can’t force it.
NTA – it’s time to find some actual friends because they aren’t it
NTA. You can’t force a relationship, but watching and experiencing how it goes cold hurts a lot.
When this happened to me a while ago, I felt betrayed and wronged for both of my friends. So I speak with them separately and come to the conclusion that I preferred to have plans separately with both of them. With my best friend things improved and we got close again, with the other not so much.
NTA Based on what you’ve written, it appears that Haley prefers you out of the picture which is why she keeps emphasizing “me and Sarah”. Sarah doesn’t seem to be pushing it but neither does she discourage it. Why are you fighting for a one way relationship?
I find it difficult to understand how they’re married, since they are acting like they are in middle school! It can be hard when there are 3 girls, two of them may feel closer. Sarah may feel closer to Haley than you, and that happens, friendships change over time. It’s hard not to take that personally. I had a friend that we emailed daily, and then she basically started drifting away and now we don’t talk/text/email at all! We were friends for over 15 years, so that was hard, but she no longer wanted that type of friendship with me.
You’re NTA for feeling this way, but can you pull Sarah aside and say that you’re feeling excluded on this trip? Also, if Haley says “just kidding”, can you say back that it doesn’t sound it, you’re not sure why she’d say such a thing? You can say it either with a straight face so she knows you’re hurt, or try to joke back, saying “well, I don’t think you deserve more wine, either” or something else.
NTA honestly friendships drift sometimes don’t let that affect you if you want to save the friendship bring it up one more time if they don’t fix it just move on it’s not worth the time having to stress yourself when you should all be having a good time
Sounds like high school. If you have problems like this with other people also I would question if you are being over sensitive and making things more dramatic for. Honestly though, this just sounds like they didn’t care that they were leaving you out- which is a shitty thing to do to a friend. I would maybe start spending less time with them and more time with friends that match up with where you are in your life right now.
Haley sounds very immature
NTA. People drift apart sometimes, it’s happens in life. But it doesn’t sound so much as you’re drifting apart from Sarah, as she’s purposely excluding you. You’re putting in all the effort with ye’re friendship, and she’s ignoring you in favour of Haley. I don’t think ye’re friends anymore.
You are feeling slighted because Haley and Sarah are obviously close now but that doesn’t mean they don’t like you or want you as a friend. Mostly it seems they are terribly inconsiderate. Having a fight with your fiancé because he doesn’t see the situation the same way as you do is counterproductive. To him it probably didn’t seem like a big deal because he probably didn’t perceive their actions as a slight. You were already feeling something was off and the purse thing was the last straw for you. People grow close and then they grow apart sometimes. When you ask about leaving your friends, are you talking about the purse store, because it sounds like they left you? Or, are you talking about breaking up your friendship?
(This scenario reminds me of the three female friends from high school, now in their 40s, in the White Lotus 3.)
NTA- It’s a part of life. Friendships naturally ebb and flow, and sometimes drift apart completely. You don’t owe anyone your time, and it’s a testament to your self love that you stepped away from a situation that was hurting you. If having honest conversations with your friend about how things are feeling isn’t resulting in changed behaviour, then it’s time to keep choosing yourself and focus your energy and attention on relationships that are also filling your cup.
NTA. You’ve been upfront with Sarah before about feeling left out, and they still keep doing the “me and Sarah” thing right in front of you. It’s not crazy to decide you don’t wanna trail behind like a third wheel on your own vacation
INFO: I don’t understand why at nearly 30 years old, you’re still trying to cling to a friendship with people who have been clearly treating you like they don’t like you for quite a while. When Sarah and Haley were ignoring you, why didn’t you and your fiance just do your own thing together rather than go back to the hotel to sulk?
I stopped at Hailey’s ridiculous junior high mean girl comment about the wine. You are NTA but only if you leave them for good. Completely.
NTA. Friendships grow and change in the same way that you’re not the same person you were 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. For your peace of mind, you need to sit down and take a good hard look at your friendship with these people. You will make new friends. You just have to decide if you want to keep these, especially if they keep hurting you.
You’re almost 30. It’s time you’ll think about why you want friends like this. I mean..Haley sounds like a mean girl that wants Sarah all for herself.
Sarah doesn’t even realize that.
So talk to them…and dump them if you need to.
NTA but Haley isn’t your friend. If you want to continue on with Sarah schedule some things with just her or her and your men. Stop being around Haley and letting her pick on you!