In early January, I found out that Kris, a friend of mine who I’ve known for 20 years, was having serious problems. He’d told me that his wife had kicked him out, his sister had relapsed back onto drugs, and he was unemployed. Kris and I go way back to our early IT careers, and despite his past drug use, he was still someone I called a friend.
After leaving our previous job, we stayed in touch off and on. By 2015, Kris had earned several IT certifications and was close to finishing his degree and was doing well until he married Carmen in 2019. Things went downhill when his newspaper job was eliminated in a buyout, and he struggled with several short-term jobs. By 3 January, Kris was homeless in Wichita, Kansas. I paid for a week-long hotel stay and sent him money for food and meds, all while promising me he hadn’t used drugs in 10-15 years.
My wife and I decided to let Kris stay with us for three months. On 8 January, I told him our plan, and he agreed. However, during the drive back home to Nevada, he had admitted that he had used fentanyl with his sister on New Year’s Eve. This reveal changed everything. I wasn’t equipped to handle someone with a drug addiction.
I decided to give him one last night at a hotel. The next morning, I told him the gameplan for the day: he’s to shower and dress. Afterwards, he’s to head downstairs for breakfast. While he’s doing that, I would head out and fuel the truck up. I told him that my goal was to be on the road by 0830. He simply nodded and fell over on his side, falling back asleep.
I hate to admit this, but he didn’t look like the Kris I knew from 20 years ago. When Kris had fallen back asleep, I wrote info on the courtesy notepad of the nearest shelter and treatment center. I left a line wishing him the best of luck and placed the note on his suitcase. I then grabbed my belongings and left. I drove to the western edge of Albuquerque before I stopped to fuel up. It was another hour later before I started getting phone calls and messages from Kris. I didn’t answer any of them. He even reached out to my wife (though she didn’t answer them either). Somehow he even managed to get his wife, the one who kicked him out, to reach out to the two of us on Facebook. By the time I had gotten home, Kris had blocked me on Facebook. I don’t feel bad for the actions I have taken. I’m not even angry at Kris anymore because I know that it’s a part of his mind that makes him act like this. I did feel angry and betrayed that he would lie to me and make me risk bringing in drugs to my home and around my family, but now that I’m home, all I feel now is pity. I’m still praying for Kris, too. I sincerely hope that he gets the help and treatment he needs.
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In early January, I found out that Kris, a friend of mine who I’ve known for 20 years, was having serious problems. He’d told me that his wife had kicked him out, his sister had relapsed back onto drugs, and he was unemployed. Kris and I go way back to our early IT careers, and despite his past drug use, he was still someone I called a friend.
After leaving our previous job, we stayed in touch off and on. By 2015, Kris had earned several IT certifications and was close to finishing his degree and was doing well until he married Carmen in 2019. Things went downhill when his newspaper job was eliminated in a buyout, and he struggled with several short-term jobs. By 3 January, Kris was homeless in Wichita, Kansas. I paid for a week-long hotel stay and sent him money for food and meds, all while promising me he hadn’t used drugs in 10-15 years.
My wife and I decided to let Kris stay with us for three months. On 8 January, I told him our plan, and he agreed. However, during the drive back home to Nevada, he had admitted that he had used fentanyl with his sister on New Year’s Eve. This reveal changed everything. I wasn’t equipped to handle someone with a drug addiction.
I decided to give him one last night at a hotel. The next morning, I told him the gameplan for the day: he’s to shower and dress. Afterwards, he’s to head downstairs for breakfast. While he’s doing that, I would head out and fuel the truck up. I told him that my goal was to be on the road by 0830. He simply nodded and fell over on his side, falling back asleep.
I hate to admit this, but he didn’t look like the Kris I knew from 20 years ago. When Kris had fallen back asleep, I wrote info on the courtesy notepad of the nearest shelter and treatment center. I left a line wishing him the best of luck and placed the note on his suitcase. I then grabbed my belongings and left. I drove to the western edge of Albuquerque before I stopped to fuel up. It was another hour later before I started getting phone calls and messages from Kris. I didn’t answer any of them. He even reached out to my wife (though she didn’t answer them either). Somehow he even managed to get his wife, the one who kicked him out, to reach out to the two of us on Facebook. By the time I had gotten home, Kris had blocked me on Facebook. I don’t feel bad for the actions I have taken. I’m not even angry at Kris anymore because I know that it’s a part of his mind that makes him act like this. I did feel angry and betrayed that he would lie to me and make me risk bringing in drugs to my home and around my family, but now that I’m home, all I feel now is pity. I’m still praying for Kris, too. I sincerely hope that he gets the help and treatment he needs.
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> Does me leaving my old friend at a hotel, in a different state than where I had picked him up from make me an asshole after he lied about being clean off of drugs?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You did everything you could, well more than anyone should expect of you, but if he can’t work with you on this then he’s on his own.
I understand why you’re feeling the way you do but ultimately he’s not your responsibility.
The way you left was shitty. YTA Having been around addicts my whole life, I can tell you that you absolutely made the best decision to protect yourself and your loved ones, and as an addict he should have appreciated your stance. It’s perfectly okay to set limits and conditions on such grand gestures of help.
However, the resources you would have offered to him could have at least been postponed as a kind of, let’s see what happens in the future if you have been clean for x amount of time perhaps then we can revisit how to help you assimilate after rehab, not just ripping away hope for a clean start in the middle of the night. It should have come with an explanation in person as to why you changed the plan, no matter how painful that may have felt in the moment.
You did these things in the beginning because you care about them, at the very least take that love and let him know you still care, even if he’s upset about how things shook out. Even if all you can provide is a phone call with words of love and encouragement, at least offer that.
NTA.
Really tough situation I’m sorry that happened, but you did the right thing getting out of there. Unfortunately you can’t bring your wife and kids into this like that.
YTA! With friends like this, who needs enemies?
When you die, Jesus is DEFINITELY going to ask you, “so when you left me at that hotel…”
Addiction is a bitch. You have every right to protect your family, but deciding overnight to leave Kris at a hotel with a note to the “nearest shelter and rehab” was a really shitty way to do things. What if his insurance doesn’t cover that rehab? Hm, actually if Kris is homeless/jobless there is a very good chance he has *no* insurance and could not get into *any* rehab without it. Also, what if there is no room at that specific shelter? You could have at least broke the news to him in person and driven him to the shelter so even if they were full he could use their resources to try and coordinate something. It is likely he has no money for a cab/Uber to make it there on his own so you could have at least done that before you Irish goodbyed your way out of his life.
As someone that has personally struggled with addiction and helped others through addiction (alcohol), I would have personally wished to be told in person that you are rescinding your offer. That way I would have hopefully been able to coordinate going back to a city location with more resources while on the drive with you back than left out in the middle of Nevada somewhere alone… But yeah, invariably we are all responsible for our own choices. Yours could have been more transparent and thoughtful for your once friend.
YTA
I’m aware I’m going to get a lot of downvotes for this, but here it goes:
You are absolutely N T A for wanting to protect your family and refusing to bring this friend into your home.
In addition, if he has relapsed, you are also right to say that you don’t have the means to help him (edit: because you’re not a health/addiction expert and would not have the necessary tools to help him in your home).
HOWEVER YTA for just leaving him there with a note and not even answering the calls of a person YOU SAID was a friend.
Please think of this:
This sounds like a tough call to make, but this sounds like a situation where you get to choose what the right move is.
I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to let Kris stay with you if he’s using fentanyl. Zero judgement on that one. But it sounds like you left him stranded hours away from where he lives. I understand that he doesn’t have a home in Wichita and may have burned a lot of bridges there too. But he also probably knows where it’s safe to sleep at night, is familiar with the shelter system, might have friends or connections who are also homeless, etc. Wherever you left him he’s got none of that. Does he have a way back to Wichita? If you drove him halfway to Albuquerque he’s stranded like 5-6 hours away from the city he knows.
It was generous to pay for so many nights in hotels for him, and I understand you didn’t learn that he’s still using until the middle of your drive. But I have to say YTA for just driving a homeless man hours away from the city he’s familiar with and knows how to navigate, leaving him there without telling him, and ignoring his calls. I think once you’ve driven him so far, with the promise of 3 months of housing on the other end, you’ve assumed more responsibility than that. You have the responsibility to tell him honestly, I can’t take you the rest of the way and you can’t stay with me if you’re using. Do you want a bus ticket back to Wichita or do you want me to drive you to the nearest shelter here?
NTA. The fact that he fell asleep in his chair just underlines it. Likely using daily, not just “that one time on New Year’s Eve” (only a week ago).