I (M28) am a first-generation immigrant from a South Asian country that arrived in the US as a child with my family. My family is Muslim, and we live in a small-medium town with a decently sized diaspora of people from our country with a strong tendency to spread gossip. As a result, my parents are strongly considerate of what others might think in our community. Due to the community-driven pressure and toxicity to judge the children in my age group, I grew up with a strong dislike for this community and also lost my faith as I saw it less as a spiritual guide and more as a compelling force to follow what the community thought was acceptable. As I grew up, my parents became more religious with time, especially my mother, who became more irritable and aggressive when I suggested that I wish to not live my life as conservatively as they do. However, my parents have helped me when I started graduate school by letting me stay with them to save money and helping me during exceptionally stressful moments.
A year ago, I met my now girlfriend (F28) and started a relationship with her. She is from a completely different background and religion, and she is a single mother. I have fallen in love with her and her child is wonderful, they are the light of my life. However, this is heavily stigmatized in my parent’s culture, which I don’t agree with. I decided to tell my father about her first as he was generally more accepting. He told me to leave the relationship and not to say anything to my more emotionally unstable and religious mother and focus on my studies.
The AITA moment: Eventually, the guilt of maintaining this without telling my mother and the stress of my graduate research led me to decide to leave home. I didn’t tell my parents at first, as I knew that if I was honest, they would try to physically or emotionally impede me from leaving. I moved into my girlfriend’s place from then on. Eventually, I came clean with everything to both my parents, which obviously did not go pleasantly. I am trying to find ways to reconcile with them while trying to maintain a relationship with my girlfriend, but they always call me a coward for leaving the way that I did and try to convince me that I am completely destroying and humiliating my family. They have maintained a strong stance on rejecting my relationship and saying that I have no religious or moral value with the way that I left home. Was I wrong in the way that I left my parents’ home?
TLDR: Grew up in an Islamic, South Asian household in the US. In a relationship with a single mother, heavily stigmatized in my parents’ diaspora. I left home under a false pretense to avoid excess drama and harassment, but eventually disclosed everything. Now trying to reconcile while maintaining the relationship but worried I may have made it worse.
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I (M28) am a first-generation immigrant from a South Asian country that arrived in the US as a child with my family. My family is Muslim, and we live in a small-medium town with a decently sized diaspora of people from our country with a strong tendency to spread gossip. As a result, my parents are strongly considerate of what others might think in our community. Due to the community-driven pressure and toxicity to judge the children in my age group, I grew up with a strong dislike for this community and also lost my faith as I saw it less as a spiritual guide and more as a compelling force to follow what the community thought was acceptable. As I grew up, my parents became more religious with time, especially my mother, who became more irritable and aggressive when I suggested that I wish to not live my life as conservatively as they do. However, my parents have helped me when I started graduate school by letting me stay with them to save money and helping me during exceptionally stressful moments.
A year ago, I met my now girlfriend (F28) and started a relationship with her. She is from a completely different background and religion, and she is a single mother. I have fallen in love with her and her child is wonderful, they are the light of my life. However, this is heavily stigmatized in my parent’s culture, which I don’t agree with. I decided to tell my father about her first as he was generally more accepting. He told me to leave the relationship and not to say anything to my more emotionally unstable and religious mother and focus on my studies.
The AITA moment: Eventually, the guilt of maintaining this without telling my mother and the stress of my graduate research led me to decide to leave home. I didn’t tell my parents at first, as I knew that if I was honest, they would try to physically or emotionally impede me from leaving. I moved into my girlfriend’s place from then on. Eventually, I came clean with everything to both my parents, which obviously did not go pleasantly. I am trying to find ways to reconcile with them while trying to maintain a relationship with my girlfriend, but they always call me a coward for leaving the way that I did and try to convince me that I am completely destroying and humiliating my family. They have maintained a strong stance on rejecting my relationship and saying that I have no religious or moral value with the way that I left home. Was I wrong in the way that I left my parents’ home?
TLDR: Grew up in an Islamic, South Asian household in the US. In a relationship with a single mother, heavily stigmatized in my parents’ diaspora. I left home under a false pretense to avoid excess drama and harassment, but eventually disclosed everything. Now trying to reconcile while maintaining the relationship but worried I may have made it worse.
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> 1. AITA for leaving my family home without telling my parents?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re an adult and have every right to make those decisions. You honestly should cut ties with them and maybe seek therapy. They’re not going to change and trying to make amends is only going to hurt you more in the long run
You don’t owe your parents anything. They sound controlling and abusive. I would cut contact and go live your best life. Best of luck!
NTA. I think if you want to have a healthy relationship with your girlfriend, you have to set boundaries with your parents. You didn’t do anything wrong by falling in love and moving out as an adult. Your girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong by being a single parent. Your parents obviously disagree. Maybe work with a counselor who understands what it’s like to be a first generation immigrant who grew up in a different world than their parents did.
If you’re not ready to set and hold boundaries with your parents and want to smooth things over with them, then you should not stay with your girlfriend and should maybe only date within your/your parents’ culture and religion so your partner knows what’s up and has more compatibility with you.
How long ago did you leave I was in a similar situation they were mad for about 3 months then got over it because deep down their heart is big especially in Muslim culture I think you leaving may have just triggered abandonment issues. The more you see them while you’ve left the better it will get I promise. Let them know you’re still there.
NTA
Build a life with your GF. Don’t feed into your parent’s demands or try to explain your way out of this. You will not change their minds. If that means you cut contact for a while- then do that. Live your life- not their version of it. Be happy.
Definitely NTA
Face facts, they will not accept this relationship, probably they won’t accept any relationship they don’t organise for you.
You are an adult, act like one. Accept that they are who they are. Limit contact if they continue to deride your relationship. If they expect you to respect them, they need to respect you. If they can’t the exit is that way and don’t let the door hit them on the way out.
Whether it be Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Hindu etc etc religious people who justify excluding others are in a cult. Moderates in all faiths don’t behave like this. They understand that religious beliefs are personal and it’s between the individual and God/s to live their life in their name.
Had your parents not immigrated and you were living in their country of origin, this would probably not be an issue. But the reality is, they chose to live in a western country and to raise their son here. Of course you are going to take on some of the cultural norms of this country, they sent you to western schools and universities. It’s not fair to you for them to expect you to act as though you are not westernized…. it’s common for a28 year old man to be living with a significant other at this point in their life.
Were you wrong? There’s a saying, guard your peace of mind as though it were your greatest treasure. You would be living a lie if you hadn’t told them, so no, you’re NTA.
I suspect you are not the only young person in the Islam community that has chosen a life that what is traditional.
NTA. What other choice did you have?
Children of immigrants always have it rough, especially if they have a foot in each of two wildly divergent cultures. It might help you to build a support network of peers, not just Desi, but all sorts of children of immigrants from multiple backgrounds and make that your soul family.
You did what you did because you accepted that they would never approve of the relationship. They’ve made it clear where they stand. If the relationship means something to you, then accept the good and bad that comes with the decision. There was never going to be a scenario where everything worked out perfectly.
NTA. I think you left the best way you could. To let them know ahead and have to go through the accusations and yelling, and guilt trips, and anguish for all of you. You spared your parents and yourself. Hopefully in time they will come to accept your life and you. Meanwhile you are happy and have made your own little family. I wish you all the happiness.
NTA
Also South Asian here. Our parents bring us to the west and expect us to lead the same lives we would’ve led back home. In my country of origin, there is heavy stigma on being a single parent, especially one out of wedlock. I can understand both your and their side. At the end of the day, you have to decide if you care more about your freedom or their opinion(s) of your freedom. Personally, speaking, it was more important to be authentic to myself and move into a brave, new world rather than get stuck in theirs of bigotry and backwardness. Sometimes family does not bring you peace, and that’s okay. Do what makes you happy and brings you the most peace. Always be true to yourself. Our parents did not do that, and that’s why they are the way they are.
I, a random white lady is going to be straight with you.
I’m 31. I started working at 15. I got married at 23. I now have 3 children and my father lives in my basement for us to take care of him.
Grow up. You cannot provide for her and also be under her thumb. All this Filial piety from your culture goes too far when it stunts your advancement into adulthood. Which it has. You’re 28 years old. My husband had me, my dad, two of our children, and we rented a room to a friend of mine to support at your age.
Stop stunting your own growth. She’ll never be comfortable with you not being her emotional replacement for a husband.
You’ll never be established and happy and give her grandchildren (if you want) if you never leave the nest
NTA
You made the choice that was right for you; it doesn’t become wrong simply because they disagree with it.
They don’t really believe that you abandoned them; that’s a pretty line that they are spouting to amp up the guilt and make it seem as though you did something wrong, which you did not. A person does not “destroy a family” because they make adult decisions that the family doesn’t like. If anything, THEY are destroying the family by rejecting their son for loving a woman whom they didn’t pick.
They keep banging on about what people will think and how humiliated they are, but you have to ask yourself how anyone knows what you did. The obvious answer is either that they are making this up and no one knows about it, or they told people themselves, thus creating their own Shame Spotlight by publicly broadcasting what happened.
The bottom line is that you are an adult who is free to make your own life choices, independent of your parents. It seems as though they won’t be happy unless you do everything that they say, when they say it. It’s not realistic to expect adults to live their lives according to someone else’s rules, no matter what cultural or religious influences are at play.
If you feel like being snippy the next time that they start berating you, then ask them why they want you to call off the relationship and return to the fold if you are bringing shame to the family. Logically, if you are a coward who has humiliated them then they should want nothing to do with you. Clearly, the opposite is true, because they want you to return home to be under their thumbs.
NTA ur a grown Man and don’t have to tell ur Parents every time piss and wipe. If you want to go Low Contract and set firm boundaries. If they still refuse take some space from them and leave the ball in their yard.
you protected your peace and made a choice that felt right for your life. yeah, the way you left might’ve hurt them, but you had valid reasons they wouldn’t have made it easy. cultural guilt is heavy, but choosing love and honesty isn’t wrong. just give it time, keep showing respect, and set boundaries.
NTA my grandad was Catholic and my nana was Protestant they should not have got together if you believe what religion tells you. They fell in love left their religions and had 7 children including my mum.
You go live your life your way and never let anyone no matter who they are tell you how to live it.