I got randomly assigned a roommate last semester. Things were fine at first, we weren’t friends, but I didn’t have a problem with her. That changed after a week or two when her hygiene habits became obvious. She didn’t have deodorant until after the first week of school, wore shoes in bed (under the covers), showered maybe twice a week, and never changed her sheets once the entire semester. She also snored and sleep-talked very loudly, every night. I’d be woken up constantly by her grunting, groaning, or clearly talking in her sleep. If I was on FaceTime with headphones in, she’d randomly laugh at things I said, even though she had no idea what I was talking about. It felt like I had zero privacy. The mix of her not showering and never washing her bedding made the room smell disgusting, like a biohazard. I wondered if I was being overdramatic, so I brought a friend to my room. She couldn’t even step through the doorway because the smell hit her so hard. I reached out to Residence Life and got no real help. I was losing my mind, I couldn’t sleep or breathe properly in there. I ended up drenching the collar of my shirt in perfume and sleeping with it over my nose just to survive. By winter break, I already had a new roommate lined up. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t coming back, not because I was trying to be shady, but because we never really talked anyway. We barely exchanged words the whole semester, so it didn’t even feel like “ghosting.” I also worried that telling her would lead to her acting out or retaliating somehow. She often acted petty with her friends, and I just didn’t trust her to handle it maturely. When I got home, I cried tears of relief in my mom’s arms. I was so glad to be out of that situation. She came back to an empty room, and while I know that may have felt harsh, I genuinely believed staying silent was the most peaceful and least dramatic option. If I had said anything, I don’t think it would’ve been nice. I was emotionally drained. Now we have a class together this semester, and I’m pretty sure she’s been talking about me. It’s a small school, and her friends, or people who just seem to know her, glare at me or go silent and then laugh when I pass. It feels like she spread a one-sided version of the story, and people took her side without knowing mine, maybe partly because she’s white. I feel like I’m being bullied in college by a bunch of annoying Netflix original characters. I understand how leaving without saying anything could have been hurtful, but I really thought it was the most respectful way to avoid a bigger mess. I had nothing nice to say, so I chose to say nothing at all. Am I the asshole?
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I got randomly assigned a roommate last semester. Things were fine at first, we weren’t friends, but I didn’t have a problem with her. That changed after a week or two when her hygiene habits became obvious. She didn’t have deodorant until after the first week of school, wore shoes in bed (under the covers), showered maybe twice a week, and never changed her sheets once the entire semester. She also snored and sleep-talked very loudly, every night. I’d be woken up constantly by her grunting, groaning, or clearly talking in her sleep. If I was on FaceTime with headphones in, she’d randomly laugh at things I said, even though she had no idea what I was talking about. It felt like I had zero privacy. The mix of her not showering and never washing her bedding made the room smell disgusting, like a biohazard. I wondered if I was being overdramatic, so I brought a friend to my room. She couldn’t even step through the doorway because the smell hit her so hard. I reached out to Residence Life and got no real help. I was losing my mind, I couldn’t sleep or breathe properly in there. I ended up drenching the collar of my shirt in perfume and sleeping with it over my nose just to survive. By winter break, I already had a new roommate lined up. I didn’t tell her I wasn’t coming back, not because I was trying to be shady, but because we never really talked anyway. We barely exchanged words the whole semester, so it didn’t even feel like “ghosting.” I also worried that telling her would lead to her acting out or retaliating somehow. She often acted petty with her friends, and I just didn’t trust her to handle it maturely. When I got home, I cried tears of relief in my mom’s arms. I was so glad to be out of that situation. She came back to an empty room, and while I know that may have felt harsh, I genuinely believed staying silent was the most peaceful and least dramatic option. If I had said anything, I don’t think it would’ve been nice. I was emotionally drained. Now we have a class together this semester, and I’m pretty sure she’s been talking about me. It’s a small school, and her friends, or people who just seem to know her, glare at me or go silent and then laugh when I pass. It feels like she spread a one-sided version of the story, and people took her side without knowing mine, maybe partly because she’s white. I feel like I’m being bullied in college by a bunch of annoying Netflix original characters. I understand how leaving without saying anything could have been hurtful, but I really thought it was the most respectful way to avoid a bigger mess. I had nothing nice to say, so I chose to say nothing at all. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I didn’t tell my roommate what the problem was I just left. 2. I wonder if it hurt her by leaving like that
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Also, given that you say she’s petty and that she may have lied about you to people, it would have been worse had you talked to her.
Nta, you did the right thing for yourself. No one would want to live in that situation unless she says something direct. ignore the gossiping and walk away, but do not be afraid to confront her should you need to.
NTA. I don‘t think I would just have quietly suffered through it but told her to get her shit together and keep some basic hygiene. I‘m sorry you‘re being made the bad person in this.
NTA. The audacity of her, sleeping in shoes, stinking up the room, and then acting like you’re the problem? Nah, not having it.
You dipped quietly, and that was generous. She’s just salty you escaped her biohazard bunk. Let the gossips glare, at least you don’t smell like bin juice.
Definitely NTA. My advice… and I realize this may be controversial, and it may not be your personal brand of how to deal with it… the next time these people are being petty or doing side eye or whatever… I’d call her out. I’d embarrass the crap out of her. Yes, in front of them. I know this sounds mean and petty. But in my opinion, she’s able to spread lies and rumors because you haven’t contradicted any of it. Does it matter what these people think? Absolutely not. But I am firmly in the camp of this girl needs to learn in no uncertain terms that her shit stinks. Literally.
I mean, you’re worried that she’s telling people a distorted version of events. You could have easily prevented that from happening by a simple, “Hey, as a heads up, I’m going to be changing things up and rooming with a good friend of mine next semester. You could maybe even get the whole place to yourself!”
But, you chose to be passive about it and are reaping the consequences. You didn’t owe her an explanation, but a simple direct statement could have saved you a lot of what you’re going through now. What you describe seems a very far cry from “bullying,” but I’m sure isn’t fun. It’ll die down over time and maybe use this as a reminder to be a bit more assertive next time (including having a conversation about roommate expectations upfront so you don’t have to live in situations like that again). You’re an adult now and have to have hard conversations at times.
I’m surprised her friends don’t smell her from a mile away!
Ugh, I don’t know how you lasted so long. I would have done the same thing, honestly
ESH, with your ex-roommate taking the brunt of it. Literally the only thing you did wrong was not tell her you were leaving. If you wanted to keep the peace, you should have lied about something over winter break like, “Oh, I made a friend and I wanted to try rooming with her next semester, I promise it has nothing to do with you!” or something like that. That being said, you absolutely did not deserve a semester of living with her or a semester of people glaring at you. She seems like the kind of person you don’t want to associate with.
What class is it? Do you have the option of giving a presentation at some point about a personal story….where you could tell the story? 😈
NTA, I had to escape my assigned roommate hell too. Don’t worry about what ole Stinky thinks.