I (21F) am currently living with my grandparents, 77F and 80M. There is a Dunkin Donuts in the city that is a 7 minute walk from their house. I have walked there multiple times in the past with no problem. This morning I told my grandmother “I’m going to Dunkin’ to get a drink.” She responded with “okay.” I went to my room, grabbed my key, then left.
When I came back maybe 20 minutes later with my drink in hand, she started panicking. She asked “what happened?! Did you have that delivered?!” I was very confused and said “no, I told you I was walking to Dunkin.” She immediately started panicking again and said “you didn’t tell me you were leaving!” I was bewildered. I reminded her how I explicitly said that I was going to walk there to get a drink. She told me that she didn’t realize I meant that exact minute and had no idea I even left the house. She started going on a rant, saying what if there was a an emergency and she was searching all around the house for me and couldn’t find me. I was dumbfounded given the fact that I am literally about to turn 22 next month, had my phone on me, and I personally thought what I said sufficed.
I called my mom to get her opinion and she agreed I shouldn’t even realistically need to ask permission to walk to Dunkin especially at my age. My grandma got mad that I called her and once again said that she didn’t realize I meant I was going to leave right at the moment. What I said was “I am going to walk to Dunkin’ to get a drink.” I thought that was fine and that made it more than clear enough I meant right then. She was so angry I called my mom, but my mom agrees that they have been way too overprotective during the time I’ve been staying with them. Believe me, I’m incredibly grateful they’re letting me live with them, this just feels like a bit much in my opinion.
My grandma’s main argument is I should have clarified as I was walking out the door that I was leaving right at that moment and that I wasn’t clear enough and need to communicate better, and that to her I left the house without warning which terrified her. AITA?
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I (21F) am currently living with my grandparents, 77F and 80M. There is a Dunkin Donuts in the city that is a 7 minute walk from their house. I have walked there multiple times in the past with no problem. This morning I told my grandmother “I’m going to Dunkin’ to get a drink.” She responded with “okay.” I went to my room, grabbed my key, then left.
When I came back maybe 20 minutes later with my drink in hand, she started panicking. She asked “what happened?! Did you have that delivered?!” I was very confused and said “no, I told you I was walking to Dunkin.” She immediately started panicking again and said “you didn’t tell me you were leaving!” I was bewildered. I reminded her how I explicitly said that I was going to walk there to get a drink. She told me that she didn’t realize I meant that exact minute and had no idea I even left the house. She started going on a rant, saying what if there was a an emergency and she was searching all around the house for me and couldn’t find me. I was dumbfounded given the fact that I am literally about to turn 22 next month, had my phone on me, and I personally thought what I said sufficed.
I called my mom to get her opinion and she agreed I shouldn’t even realistically need to ask permission to walk to Dunkin especially at my age. My grandma got mad that I called her and once again said that she didn’t realize I meant I was going to leave right at the moment. What I said was “I am going to walk to Dunkin’ to get a drink.” I thought that was fine and that made it more than clear enough I meant right then. She was so angry I called my mom, but my mom agrees that they have been way too overprotective during the time I’ve been staying with them. Believe me, I’m incredibly grateful they’re letting me live with them, this just feels like a bit much in my opinion.
My grandma’s main argument is I should have clarified as I was walking out the door that I was leaving right at that moment and that I wasn’t clear enough and need to communicate better, and that to her I left the house without warning which terrified her. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I left the house to go to Dunkin after saying I would leave, but apparently I didn’t make it clear enough I meant at that exact moment and my grandma thought I left without warning.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Hon, no NTA, but call your grandparents GP / doctor.
Probably just a simple infection (uti, lung), but it really messes with older people’s brain, and with memory.
Could be more to it, but I doubt it, and that’s when you need the gp anyway.
NTA. You clearly said you were walking to Dunkin to get a drink. You’re 21, had your phone, and were gone 20 minutes. That’s normal.
Your grandma misunderstood, but that doesn’t make you wrong. You didn’t disappear. You communicated. She panicked because she didn’t hear you properly, not because you failed to say it. Next time you go to Dunkin, maybe grab a drink for your grandma, too. It might help smooth things over.
NTA. In the short term make sure you are explicit when you speak to your grandmother, and for the long term you should probably work with your mother to convince grandma she needs a thorough physical exam just in case her panic attacks are a symptom of something else.
Of course you’re NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong, you even let them know you were leaving and asked for permission even though you’re 21 and that Dunkin is 7 mins away.
NTA. You very clearly communicated that you were going to walk to dunkin. Not to scare you or anything, but your grandma’s defensiveness is making me think that she might be dealing with some memory loss or cognitive decline. Maybe she heard you, but then forgot what you’d said to her so she defensively “misinterpreted” the statement once she was reminded of it.
NTA
Was your grandma this paranoid when your mom was your age? If not, I wonder if this may be an early sign of dementia.
NTA. You are an adult, it’s not asking permission it’s informing them.
The thing you need to understand about older folks is that their ability to remember decreases dramatically. yes, you are grown and do not “ need” to tell anyone where you are going, it is a courtesy when living in someone’s house.
That said, it sounds like gram is having some cognitive decline and you’re going to need to not get defensive about it.
NTA. Like others have said, have her see a doctor to make sure all is OK, or it may be the beginning stages of dementia. It’s possible she heard you and understood you just fine in that moment, but when you came back, she’d forgotten you went out and got surprised. An angry over-reaction and blaming you is pretty common when a person starts forgetting little things.
NTA.
What I wonder: Is she using her outrage with you to cover that she just didn’t remember?
Are there signs she is starting to experience memory loss?
We saw this with my wife’s grandma. Initially, she’d find a way to turn it that the issue wasn’t that she forgot, the issue was a different issue to push that she forgot to the side because she didn’t want to deal with the possibility that her memory was failing.
NAH. Your turning 22…but she is 77…and I think that is the greater issue at play.
NTA however, you are going to find at this age that they turn quickly. What once they could handle a few weeks ago, all of a sudden they can’t. The short term memory starts to go a bit and then the anxiety and fear starts to set in. This is not a linear path. It’ll seems fine for a bit and then there’ll be another incident. The incidents will become more frequent and closer together.
You might want to start leaving notes so they can remember where you’ve gone.
Nta but I am thinking Grandma needs to check out because there sounds like there is some concerns.
OP, your grandparents are quite old. Her response was over the top, this is not normal. Please watch for dementia symptoms and get help if needed.
NTA – but it sounds like your gramma may be starting to show signs of dementia or some other type of cognitive decline.
NTA: But are there other signs that she is ‘off’ lately? Your mom should take your grandparents to their doctor and schedule a Geriatric Assessment. Hopefully they will find they are in good health but have something simple that can be fixed. But then there will be a baseline condition that in the future they can compare themselves to see if something more serious is progressing.
Sometimes you gotta ghost like a ninja, no warnings, just peace out.
NTA. I have a suggestion: for this generation, you may consider leaving a note on the refrigerator with an ETA. It may help or at least give you another level of CYA. Good luck!
NTA. Sounds like grandma forgot/misunderstood and is now doubling down.
Whether it’s age-related memory loss or something else, they should be checked out. I recommend you put a white board/message board either by the refrigerator/front door/somewhere they can easily see so you can jot down where you’re going, when to expect you back, etc, so there’s no confusion in the future.
I would be less concerned about being an adult, etc., and talk to your Mom about having Grandma’s mental accuity tested. She could be in the beginning stages of Alzheimers.
NTA. Your grandma is covering for her issues related to short term memory. Notice how she changed from you didn’t tell me to she didn’t realize that you were leaving now. I’d talk to family about getting her yo a doctor
NTA, but I suspect your grandmother might be developing short term memory problems. Might help to not just tell her once, but to remind her as you’re literally walking out the door? Although, I know, that’s pretty close to what you did. Maybe have her repeat back to you where you’re going might help. But definitely NAH.
My guess is your grandma is entering early stages of dementia and is mad and flustered that she didn’t remember. NAH
I think there is something more going on, this could be early stages of dementia, or something else. NTA