We have been living together for half a year now, and have had the exact same conversation many times before. I was honestly trying to communicate and explain that him farting at the table when we eat is deeply disrespectful and thus upsetting to me. He claims those things just happen, and I am the only person he knows who is so “sensitive to farts”.
Otherwise he is an amazing boyfriend, very caring, attentive and respectful. So at this point I am just accepting his refusal to stop, and choose to exit the situation whenever it arises. Naturally, he is upset about that. But I don’t see any other resolution. Communication didn’t work. And I refuse to accept flatulence around eating.
I wish it was a joke. However ridiculous it might seem, it is very frustrating to me.
ETA
Thank you for all the comments! I just want to reiterate and emphasize that I am not asking whether he is an AH for farting or I am for thinking that it is gross. I have decided to remove myself from the situation if he farts at the dinner table, which he is aware to be my boundary. I am accepting that he is not able/willing to change on this particular issue, and choosing to not be present when this happens because I still think it is disrespectful. Me leaving makes him upset. I don’t want to make him upset but neither do I want my boundaries to be broken.
Also, some people have questioned if he is indeed such a good partner. He is. It is a very happy and healthy relationship otherwise. He’s been there for me during difficult times, he is extremely supportive and empathetic. And this issue does not extrapolate on his demeanour towards me overall.
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We have been living together for half a year now, and have had the exact same conversation many times before. I was honestly trying to communicate and explain that him farting at the table when we eat is deeply disrespectful and thus upsetting to me. He claims those things just happen, and I am the only person he knows who is so “sensitive to farts”.
Otherwise he is an amazing boyfriend, very caring, attentive and respectful. So at this point I am just accepting his refusal to stop, and choose to exit the situation whenever it arises. Naturally, he is upset about that. But I don’t see any other resolution. Communication didn’t work. And I refuse to accept flatulence around eating.
I wish it was a joke. However ridiculous it might seem, it is very frustrating to me.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Decided to leave the table when we are eating with my partner and he farts.
2. Because he claims this is natural and not everyone is so sensitive to farts.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Oh lord.
I would get the ick real quick.
Are you sure he is thaaat Amazing
NTA. Passing gas at the table is rude and disgusting. I am not trying to smell someone’s farts when I’m eating food. My boyfriend and I get up and will go toot in the hallway and will air it out so it doesn’t follow us back even when we’re not eating and we’re just watching tv.
male attracted women will really date anyone, huh
NTA, but this may not work long term. The farting only gets worse with age and if he can’t make them not happen now, he won’t be able to later either. You will have to accept him, farts ‘n all because he clearly can’t or won’t squeeze his anus shut for you.
Does he fart at work and in public too, or is it just when he’s eating with you?
NTA. I think your boundary is reasonable, and I admire the fact that you’re choosing to leave the table, knowing he will not change.
Vomiting and defecating are natural also, but we don’t do those at the dinner table. His refusal to step away seems like the hill he wants to die on. Do you want this the rest of your life.?
>He claims those things just happen, and I am the only person he knows who is so “sensitive to farts”.
Does he fart in front of workmates, managers, customers or anybody he’s trying to impress? Or is he a hermit that stays at home and has no social interaction?
If he can control his farting in front of other people, then he farts at the dinner table because he doesn’t respect you.
Show him these comments! You aren’t sensitive, he is a damn right disgusting guy! That is controllable and you are absolutely right to leave but I think you should just carry on right out the door and leave his butt!
I’m torn on this one tbh
On one side, it is natural, and I don’t expect my wife (who’s a bit fartier than myself) to leave when it happens.
On the other hand, you are their SO, and if my wife was offended by it I would absolutely make that change for her.
His unwillingness to consider changing is the worrisome part here, but some compromise on your end may be the path to him also compromising.
If it’s a dealbreaker on both sides, that may just be that.
You’re not wrong for leaving, if it grosses you out then that’s your boundary. He can say “everyone does it” all day but that doesn’t make it less nasty at the dinner table. If he won’t compromise, walking away is the only move.
It’s crass, uncouth and rude. It just highlights your differences more than anything else would. He’s not willing to allow you to show him that there is a better way, he’s attempting to lower you to his level. Go in the gutter with him or move on but NTA
I think you’re being overly sensitive tbh.. at most it smells bad for like 2 minutes. I think you can survive that every once in awhile. If he’s unleashing nuclear hell on you that sticks around for like 10 minutes I guess you’re being valid but usually the fart smell goes away after a minute or so. It’s not healthy to hold in farts and it’s a sign that he’s comfortable around you that he’s willing to fart at the table. My gf and I have both farted at the table and it’s really not even something either of us would care about.
NTA. Farting while eating, especially at the dinner table is one of the most disgusting dining habits. Maybe your partner needs to be educated about what a fart is, microscopic particles of shit floating in the air.
NTA. My wife of nearly 40 years farts like crazy and I think it’s disgusting. But she still does it. I just sigh and move on. We have a great relationship otherwise but its still gross.
Imo you aren’t an arsehole, but neither is he. If he is doing it deliberately because he thinks it’s funny, he’s an arsehole. But if he genuinely can’t help it, you are. It’s fine to think it’s gross, but some people genuinely can’t control it. It is a natural bodily function that everyone does, just some people more than others. If he can control it and does it to gross you out or can’t be bothered to get up from the table, it’s a different story. But if he can’t control it, you need to either get over it or tell him to go and see a doctor.
NTA
That’s full on disgusting.
NTA. Simply put, nobody should be expected to tolerate smelling someone else’s shit hole when trying to enjoy a meal.
I live alone and in my 40s. I find myself farting more than I did when I was younger.
Sometimes epic farts. They feel great.
I often worry about what will happen the next time I’m in a relationship.
My gut worries too, as it hates feeling bloated 😭
I’ve been around 60+ co workers for 8 years now, mostly men, some women as a diesel mechanic, i sadly get to see each and everyone every single 12 and a half hour shift every day.
We laugh we fart and even have belly giggle (The dreaded tummy gurgle before a poop) but sadly depending on a persons diet the farts or even sharts as a man happen when least expected.
But in the end yes he can leave the room and fart, or just go to the bathroom as he should.
NTA I had to make a rule that we don’t fart, or talk about farts and poop at the table. You have to be at least 10 ft away from me when you fart. And those rules were made as much for my husband as my kids 😂 (I’m not evil, they think it’s hysterical, so chill.)
Even if we lived in a made up fantasy land where this wasnt a repulsive thing to do, the fact that you have verbalized to him that it upsets you and he makes no effort to stop places him SQUARELY in asshole territory.
NTA. *bangs gavel*
NTA There’s a difference between being understanding when one just slips out and being expected to accept the other person deliberately farting at the dinner table as part of normal life.
The reality is no one wants to smell the odor of shit while they are eating. He can kid himself that you are the rare exception in being this way, but that is not the point anyway. The crux of the matter is that he knows that you don’t like to smell his farts at the dinner table yet he chooses to do it anyway rather than excusing himself and doing them elsewhere.
He must know that what he is doing is ruining the enjoyment of your meal, but prioritizes his own convenience over that. He is already being selfish. To be offended that you would leave the table rather than be forced to endure inhaling the odor of shit, with it mixing with the taste of your food, is ridiculous. He must be in denial of what he’s actually doing in order to perform the mental gymnastics necessary to get self-righteously offended.
He needs to take a good look at himself.
ETA: I think removing yourself is the right thing to do if you want him to take this seriously. Not doing that would inevitably lead to him thinking you have come over to his way of thinking, or that it can’t be as bad as you say, because you put up with it. The fact that it upsets him when you leave the table is a good thing — it shows that he feels the consequence in a way that’s negative for him. he needs something to prod him to take you seriously and change his ways or he just won’t.
OK not sure about when eating, but otherwise both my wife and I fart. Not a biggie with us, we laugh and move on. I definitely fart more the older I get.
Idk between my husband and 2 teenage sons there is a lot of gas in my house. I don’t ask them to leave before they fart bc then there would be a lot of up and down. It’s just part of digestion. I do ask them not to make a big show of burps bc that’s annoying, and to say excuse me if it’s loud. But after all, it’s their home too. Better out than in as Shrek said
u/bythebrook88 has it right but I’m going to add: if his response to “do you fart around your boss/coworkers/mother/etc” is that does do that, and he really can’t control it, then he needs to see a doctor.
Look, accidents happen, if he was letting one rip during dinner once every few months I’d say he’s not TA (but of course it’s fine to clear the room). But it sounds like this is happening a lot! If this guy wants to have a grown-up relationship he needs to learn how to hold it long enough to get up and go to the bathroom like a grown-up.
Even if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, you do, and he should care enough about you being happy and comfortable in the relationship for him to do something that is a pretty trivial ask. It’s not like you’re asking him never to fart in your presence, just not during dinner. Yeesh. (Again, if he says it’s non-trivial for him and he really can’t hold it or sense it’s coming or whatever? DOCTOR.)
NTA, with caveat of NAH if there turns out to be an actual medical issue.
NTA. Farting at the table is straight up rude. He knows that you don’t appreciate it and continues to do it. This is not a “caring and respectful” guy.
While I think communication could have been better (like “I find it very disrespectful to pass gas at the table” and the boundary spoken “if you pass gas at the table I will leave the room and eat elsewhere”) your NTA and have made a reasonable boundary and he is free to decide to hold his gas or excuse himself to the bathroom if he wishes to dine with you.
NTA
You are reasonable. You didn’t say no farts in the house, you just asked for no farting while eating. That should be easy to compromise on
Could something have happened in his childhood? He needs fart therapy.
I’ve been married for 12 years and neither of us have farted (intentionally) in front of each other. I’m happy to keep it that way.
Our dogs, though? They definitely make up for the “not farting in front of each other” thing.
I feel like there isn’t enough information or context to make a judgement.
Is it ONLY while you’re eating that you get upset? Like once you’re done eating you don’t care?
Does he fart often throughout the day, or does he get more flatulent specifically while eating?
Is smell a factor, or just sound?
At the end of the day, everyone needs to feel comfortable in their own home. That includes you. That includes him. Flatulence is natural and if you NEVER want him to do it in your presence, then that’s unreasonable. If you’re boundary is truly just that he doesn’t do it while you’re eating, that’s perfectly reasonable.
If this continues to be an issue where one or both of you aren’t able to respect each other’s boundaries then it does sound like a bigger issue than a few farts or a simple request to hold them in for 30 minutes.
Imo, it depends if he does it on purpose. Like does he fart ONLY at the table? If yes, he’s the asshole obviously. If not, I’d say no assholes here – it’s a natural process while you are allowed to not like your SO’s ass gas. But if you have such a problem with gas, what would you do if your SO was injured and you needed to wipe him?
NTA If it is offensive to you, you have the absolute right to remove yourself from the situation which sounds like it is more common than it should perhaps be. I do want to say that it is a natural function and not Always controllable (for example, even when getting up to remove himself, he could release gas despite efforts not to). It also sounds to me like he hasnt tried to control this function, I dont know what he does for work, but I cannot imagine someone NOT trying to control that function (as one does with belches for example) in a meeting and would usually have the ability to do so. I think that rather than fight about it, if he does not consider your unhappiness at eating with strong unpleasant odors to be important enough not to fart at the table, then your solution of leaving the situation is perfectly reasonable.
Perhaps you should purchase some GasX as well.
NTA- it’s just plain nasty. We all have gas but you don’t fart at the table when people are eating.
Honestly. NAH. Different families have different levels of tolerance for this sort of thing. This sounds like a huge cultural difference between the two of you- if he was raised in an environment where this is normal, then I can see how your feelings would seem unnecessarily restrictive and controlling to him. Likewise, if you were raised in an environment where this is considered rude and disrespectful, I can understand why you would react how you are reacting.
It’s also definitely possible that he’s not physically capable of anticipating or controlling his flatulence. That’s not an uncommon condition. If that’s true he’s probably self-conscious about it and shaming him isn’t going to help.
You two need to communicate and come to an understanding here, but without more information I’m not ready to call either of you the villain.
NTA. I can promise you if he was at dinner with his boss he wouldn’t be farting. He’d find himself miraculously in control of his sphincter and with full understanding of why
We have just 2 rules when it comes to eating at the table.
These are really basic rules that should be common in every home. Therefore, OP you are NTA. Your boyfriend is a baby and he clearly disregards your feelings. If you can’t get him to understand this, what else is he disregarding about you and your feelings?
I once had a boyfriend who acted like his farts were a) hilarious and b) delicious. He was general manager of a midsize charity, so I knew that this wasn’t how he acted at work, but he’d get really offended if I complained, with the same arguments as your husband. We broke up for other reasons, but remained friends. Over the years, he’s apologized for a lot of the bullshit he pulled when we were together, including this, but I don’t think he would have ever actually believed that it was genuinely upsetting to me (and I wasn’t just reacting because “society unduly judges bodily functions”) if we had staid together.
NTA. We used to have manners, a fart in front of others was an oopsie we would giggle about, and move on. Now folks shit themselves at the dinner table and we’re all supposed to deal. It takes little effort to suppress or move away from others when gas is calling. Our body has on of the strongest o-rings right at the anus entrance. That he refuses to stop even though you’ve asked for this concession says a lot
Don’t worry about making him upset. It’s gross. You’re controlling what you can and your SO is responding to not being able to control the situation by getting mad.
Does he fart during sex? If he can control the farting at work or in a car with other people he can either excuse himself to go the bathroom, or he can hold it.
Dinner takes 8-10 minute to eat. It is not that long of a period of time.
If it happens, sometimes it can’t be muffled but if he acknowledges it and apologizes then it’s to me like a burp. But if he just leans over and pranks one out and then just goes back to what he’s doing no you’re not.
INFO: Does he do this when you have others dining with you? Or when he eats with others without you? Does he do this at restaurant tables?
I’m betting there are settings and people around whom he’s able to refrain. Thus it’s definitely bothersome that he can’t respect this for you.
At any rate, NTAH for leaving when he does it. If it bothers him that you abandon your plate, he can change.
NTA. Farting at the dinner table is hella rude. That’s a table rule he should have learned at age 4 or 5.
NTA and he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you by continuing this disgusting behavior. He’s the AH here.
Why are you with a toddler? Where are your standards?