My daughter E (14F) was diagnosed with cancer, about 2-3 months ago, right before her 14th birthday, like the kind that kills you, it that doesn’t go away. She never cried, doesn’t even talk about it. She just went home and sat down. 14 is too young to really do anything at the end of life but fully old enough to know what’s going on, she knows she’s dying.
I don’t think I have to clarify why that’s awful.
She’s stuck here every day just waiting for the day she dies. And she’s 14. She could have a life. A job. Get to grow old and see her grandkids. But my little angel will never have that. She won’t even live to have kids.
Enter this vile woman I somehow considered myself in love with 12 years ago, my ex-wife L (40F). The only thing I have to thank her for in the few years of marriage we barely lasted is giving birth to my daughter. I’ve had custody for a while because she barely even tried to win the case but she somehow got occasional visits.
E has always been an amazing kid. She passed classes but now that she’s literally dying, she’s stopped caring so much. And this is where I mention K (14M). K is one of E’s old friends but they have had mutual crushes for a while. Mind you, I’ve met K, I know he’s a good kid. When E told K she had cancer (this is coming from E btw), K apparently asked her if she wanted to do anything. E said she wanted to make out with him in the gender neutral bathroom stall and so he did.
They were just gonna do it for the period but it went on and on and by the time the teachers noticed, E and K were skipping math class and getting a little spicy. So she gets caught and honestly I tell E I really don’t care at this point. She’s not even gonna be here in a month or two. She admits they were getting intimate for a bit but I really don’t care. You could say it’s bad for her future, but she’s not gonna have one. Maybe she’ll get to turn 15 if she’s lucky. She’s going to die, I’m letting her live her last moments however she damn pleases.
L is steaming that I didn’t punish her because she believes no matter what “intimacy should wait until your 20s.” First of all, that’s not even true, I probably did similar shit at her age when I wasn’t dying. Not as intimate as she described but still. Second of all, she won’t have a 20s. She’s not even gonna finish her teens, and now she’s threatening to take me to court even though I have full custody. I’m begging her not to, not for me, but because I don’t want my daughter’s last thoughts to be about her parents’ court case, and besides she has no legal basis anyway.
TLDR my daughter got caught in a bathroom stall and my exwife is angry but IDC because she’s dying
Comments
NTA. Your ex has no capacity for rational thought.
NTA. I am so sorry.
Growing up, I had a family friend whose daughter, P, had a brain tumor. Several surgeries. Prognosis not good like your daughters. She got married at age 16. Died at 18. Most of the church was like your ex, up in arms. But you know what? P LIVED while she could! So good on you for letting your daughter live!
My heart breaks for you & your beautiful daughter, & that sweet young guy who cares for her. You could talk to a children’s rights attorney & have him present your ex “the facts” to try & avoid Any unnecessary ugliness. Get a TRO or supervised visitation & stall!
Good for YOU in allowing your daughter to live what remains of HER LIFE on HER TERMS!! These moments will give you some beautiful memories in the years to come. Best wishes OP! I’m praying it was a misdiagnosis & you’ll somehow get a miracle of decades & decades with your daughter.
NTA. You are a legend especially given the circumstances and your ex is obviously not processing things normally.
nah u did what any decent parent would do bro. let her have some damn joy. not like she’s out here wildin she’s just tryna feel something before it’s all over. ex is being mad performative rn
NTA. So sorry for your daughter. Cancer is an asshole.
As you say, she has no future to ruin, so why bother punishing her for something that won’t matter to anyone soon? Seriously, take her out of school and go to Disneyland or anywhere else she wants to go (that you can afford). Let her have some good times.
NTA, but I would teach your daughter safe sex irrespective of her health. We don’t exactly know her survival trajectory, so it would be a disaster if she ends up pregnant with such a frail body.
Also school bathroom is a terrible space, so if you want to allow this, just invite the kid for a date at home.
NTA
Sex is one of the funnest things in life, theyre both 14, theyre both consenting, your daughter should get to experience that. Still important to be safe so make sure theyre using protection.
Can you pull her from school and make some trips, make some memories?
Speak to a lawyer about options, get advice on getting an emergency hearing so youre safe to do whatever needed to make this time special or whether its safe to ignore any court summons because these things can take a long time to reach court (sorry that last part sounds awful, I can’t think of a not awful way to put it because it is awful that your daughter isn’t going to get a long life)
Im so sorry for you both.
Updateme!
I haven’t read the Harry Potter books. What’s the spell for transferring afflictions from child to ex spouses again??
NTAH.
NTA but there is a bit of nuance to it, I believe. Firstly, what I felt when I read this, skipping classes or school might still affect K, not to mention how he will be able to deal with the grief if your daughter passes away. Also since this is a standard situation, you may or may not know how it could affect her being intimate at that age knowing there are no limits or anything to lose. It would be nice if there is someone she could talk to about that stuff as well. Ex-wife has no place making decisions for your daughter based on the context provided. Basically imo if this brings her joy I don’t see the harm in letting her do what she likes. But keep up communication and make sure she’s ok and that this is not giving any additional stress to her.
NTA, I would legit let my kid try almost anything if they are on their way to dying and want to experience it.
I’d toke one up with her as well with her if I were you
YTA for writing this bit of fiction. Paediatric cancer very rarely go from diagnosis to palliative treatment in a few months, and if they do, the child isn’t well enough to be going to school. This sounds like it is written by a suicidal 14yo
You need to watch “The Fault Is In The Stars”, but be prepared to sob
You have custody so it doesn’t matter what your ex says.
Cancer is the AH! The only thing that bothers me is you repeating that you don’t care, I know what you mean (I hope). Be careful as you don’t know how K’s family may react to this.
Hold your baby as much as you can and let her live as much as possible!
NTA Let the poor girl live as much as possible without rules that at the end of the day don’t matter.
NTA
NTA!! Sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.
I think that if E is terminal, then at 14, she’s old enough to create a bucket list of reasonable/possible things she’d like to do before she dies. What’s most important now, are the things she wants to experience in her life before it’s too late.
I’m so terribly sorry for what you’re going through, but letting your daughter choose how she wants to live the rest of her life is a wonderful gift to her.
“The kind that kills you if it doesn’t go away” – what does that mean? A miracle? A treatment works or at least could?
I understand you wanting to give ur kid a loose leash but you’ve also just issued a death sentence here that would determine much. It seems like u r reinforcing the notion there is no hope and perhaps sending this message.
That being said, her mom is way way out of line and delusional. Ridiculous.
NTA-You are a wonderful father. I am so sorry.
Get a lawyer to protect your kids’ remaining time. This will save a lot of time, money and energy when things escalate. Your ex will probably focus and vent her anger on you. Get a lawyer so you can be available and present for your daughter with the limited time available and avoid getting distracted by the legal drama.
Let her enjoy life to the fullest I say.
Your ex is ridiculous. This is what she is going to fight over and all while her own daughter is passing?! What a sh!t human being. I know the type. Wants to f!ght her own shadow.
I would also keep quiet about your daughter’s behaviour if I were you, don’t tell her if you can get away with it. Especially as she will try and block your girls right to experience life now.
NTA
Punish her? Like…
Nta.
NTA
Your ex is warped. Absolutely warped in the brain. I don’t know if this is her odd way of dealing with grief or what but she needs to chill the fuck out.