This happened about a week ago and I’m still turning it over in my head, so I figured I’d ask here.
A few years ago, one of my closest friends, let’s call her “R”, completely disappeared on me. We’d been best friends for seven years.
One day, she told me she didn’t have enough money to go clothes shopping with me. I said it was fine and that we can just hang out together before we started our new jobs. I asked if she wanted to come around my house or if she wanted me to come to hers.
She never replied. The day we were supposed to hang out came and went. And then I saw afterwards she had been out drinking with other friends. So, she obviously had money to spend, just not with me.
I stopped trying after I saw that. It took me a long time to accept it, and it hurt in a way I still don’t think I’ve fully processed. Although I have friends, I don’t let myself get that close to anyone again. That was four years ago.
Fast forward to a few days ago, I saw R ironically when I was out shopping with other friends. She waved at me and smiled like nothing had ever happened, like we were old mate bumping into each other, not someone who I genuinely loved as a friend.
My other friends said hello, being polite and all, (they knew her from high school too) but I didn’t move any closer to her or say anything. I literally pretended she wasn’t here. I talked over her asking what we had all been up to these years, saying I was hungry and that we should go to get pho before the wait time got too long.
Then I looked her right through her and walked past without saying a word.
Now here’s where I’m wondering if I was the arsehole: A few friends said later I was too cold to her and that what I did was overly dramatic. It was years ago. That maybe she had her reasons for ghosting and I should be the bigger person. But honestly, I don’t think I owe someone grace when they couldn’t even give me a goodbye to a seven year friendship.
AITA for being petty pretending she didn’t exist?
Comments
She’s getting what she wants.. What’s the issue? NTA.
That was probably a little uncomfortable for your friends to be involved in, but I don’t think you’re an asshole for refusing grace
NTA in any way. My wife had a friend like this that just ghosted her out of nowhere. No precipitating event, just like you. Around 5 years later she reached out via email and apologized profusely, went into detail that it was her being in a bad place and being ashamed of herself, this not being an email to ask for forgiveness but to merely let my wife know that it was nothing to do with anything about her but was entirely this ex-friend’s fault.
My wife ended up meeting with her and for the past decade they have been friends again. She’s one of my wife’s best friends.
That’s the level of contrition necessary to have a chance of being worthy of forgiveness in this sort of situation. This person displayed none of that.
NTA
I had a friend like this. I helped her open her business. I lost money giving them my time. I helped them move 2 times. I took care of their dog when they went on vacations. I hosted their birthday parties. I spent 1000´s on them when they couldn’t afford their rent. I helped her shop for baby clothes and set up her nursery.
I said no. One time. Just once. When they asked me for more free work and they cut me out. Never told me why. I asked. I messaged. I called. Just stopped talking to me. It’s been 5 years. I’m not over it. It made me trust people a lot less.
She still likes my Instagram stories once a year or so. I imagine theyre hoping ill reach out. Our mutuals know I want nothing to do with them.
I wouldn’t have done what you did. But I sure as hell wouldn’t pretend to be their friend anymore. I’d probably just answer like they were a coworker I don’t like and leave when the opportunity presented itself.
The same thing happened to me except with a family member. I still don’t know the reason for being ghosted and although it really bothered me at the beginning they mean nothing to me know. If the same thing that happened with you happened with me and this person I’d act the same way as you. NTA
NTA, I find baffling that people ALWAYS justify the crap others do and expect the victim to be the bigger person, she completely ghosted you for YEARS and then acted like nothing ever happened, no explanation, no apology, nothing, and now you’re supposed to just take her as if it was all okay and you had to suck up your feelings just to make her feel good? Screw her, she got what she wanted and is getting the taste of her own medicine.
NTA. She completely ghosted you, so I’m not sure what she would have expected to happen if you bumped into each other in the future.
nta hehehe overly dramatic would be to pull some WWE shit on her in the middle of the mall, take your shoe off and beat her with it, all the while streaming it live.
THAT would be overly dramatic.
YOU just matched her energy.
NTA. You handled that situation perfectly, good job.
NTA, I Stan you! You handled this perfectly. I would have mumbles some platitudes, and then not enjoy my Pho, wishing I’d handled it like you did! Overly dramatic would have been telling her to gfh
Who cares?
She’s not your friend, she’s not in your life
She literally doesn’t matter to you anymore
NTA. She is no longer of importance to you and has herself actively cut you off. You owe her nothing.
If she had reasons, she could have expressed them. Frankly, unless a person has been emotionally abusive (and not the snowflake…someone was a jerk for a moment, let me call it emotionally abusive… “abusive” but actually abusive), there is no reason to ghost. People who ghost others suck. Be mature and take the 30 seconds to write a text that says “I’m no longer interested in continuing this relationship because [fill in reason].” They are immature, cruel, and deserve to be ignored in their future.
ESH, including these comments. What she did years ago sucks, but how you behaved is still childish, not “perfect.” You didn’t have to engage her deeply — or really at all — but talking over her and looking through her isn’t exactly impressive behavior, and is in fact dramatic. You could have achieved the same effect by saying something direct like, “We really have to get going” and moving on.
I don’t exactly blame OP for her actions — I’m sure it was shocking to see her after all that time — but you STAN her for this? We have no idea what was happening with the friend years ago. Our “you don’t owe other people anything” culture is out of control. Can we owe ourselves a little dignity?