My (14 F) mom (37 F) is mad at me for wanting to live with my father. For some backstory, my parents separated during spring break last school year. My mother kicked my father out of the house even though she is a midwife and he doesn’t have a job; he was a stay at home dad. My mother could have easily gotten herself a house, whereas my father had zero income. My mother immediately started talking shit about my dad while my dad was actively trying to fix himself with therapy and counseling. One time when we got home from parkour, my mom had called the police on my dad for god knows what. My father wants to be an EA, with a criminal record, he can’t do that. My mom has also been always either at the gym, out with her friends, or working. She got a month off and only did something with me once. Even then, it was with her new boyfriend. It has been only about four months? She started seeing him a week or two after the seperation. She has him over at the house very often with his four year old son. She leaves me to make dinner most of the time and take care of the pets. I am not an only child, I have a sister (12 F), and a brother (16 M). Ive been at my father’s most of the time, and my mother is trying to make me feel bad about it. When she got told I was leaving her she said “I birthed you, dont you think I deserve to live with you?” Im getting put in therapy btw, I just want to know if I’m the asshole for leaving her. It does feel wrong but it also feels wrong being alone all the time. Originally it was going to be week on week off, but I honestly dont want that. So am I the asshole for wanting moving in with my dad?
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My (14 F) mom (37 F) is mad at me for wanting to live with my father. For some backstory, my parents separated during spring break last school year. My mother kicked my father out of the house even though she is a midwife and he doesn’t have a job; he was a stay at home dad. My mother could have easily gotten herself a house, whereas my father had zero income. My mother immediately started talking shit about my dad while my dad was actively trying to fix himself with therapy and counseling. One time when we got home from parkour, my mom had called the police on my dad for god knows what. My father wants to be an EA, with a criminal record, he can’t do that. My mom has also been always either at the gym, out with her friends, or working. She got a month off and only did something with me once. Even then, it was with her new boyfriend. It has been only about four months? She started seeing him a week or two after the seperation. She has him over at the house very often with his four year old son. She leaves me to make dinner most of the time and take care of the pets. I am not an only child, I have a sister (12 F), and a brother (16 M). Ive been at my father’s most of the time, and my mother is trying to make me feel bad about it. When she got told I was leaving her she said “I birthed you, dont you think I deserve to live with you?” Im getting put in therapy btw, I just want to know if I’m the asshole for leaving her. It does feel wrong but it also feels wrong being alone all the time. Originally it was going to be week on week off, but I honestly dont want that. So am I the asshole for wanting moving in with my dad?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action i took that should be judged is moving in with my dad permanently and that action might make me the asshole because my mother birthed me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not the AH. You’re choosing the parent who’s more present and supportive. Your mom’s feelings don’t outweigh your need for stability and care.
Your mum sounds incredibly selfish, you owe her nothing. See had a dude lined up weeks after she kicked your dad out?? Sounds like it’s been going on well before then. Now she has him over constantly??
Go live with your dad without regrets, at least he seems to care about you. How long until the mum wants you babysitting this Rando’s kid??
NTA.
> “I birthed you, dont you think I deserve to live with you?”
No Mom, I’m not a prize that you won because you had sex with Dad. You could’ve earned my respect by being a decent parent but I am still waiting for that to begin.
NTA Not only are you NTA, but your mother is being emotionally abusive. She is engaging in parental alienation, which is manipulative and abusive to both you and your father. Moving in with your dad is probably the best way to combat this abuse. Just know that it will cause her to turn your siblings against you, as well as your father. You are going to have a tough fight ahead. I hope you have a great therapist and wish you and your dad the best of luck.
Of course not. You’re at an age now where in any custody battle in court your wishes would be given a lot of weight.
NTA. Think your mother just wants to avoid paying child support
You’re not the AH. At 14, you’re old enough to have a say in where you feel more comfortable and supported.
NTA. You have to take care of yourself. If living with your father is good, live there; if it starts to go bad, move in with your mother.
Tell your mother: I love you, but you’re never there. You never do anything with me. You bring your boyfriend along the one time we could have been one on one.
You say your father doesn’t have a job, has therapy, and has counseling. Maybe he’s okay, but it sounds like he might not be, in which case, it might be better to live with grandparents if they are normal.
What is an EA? Anyway, NTA. It sounds like both of your parents have major issues. Live with whichever one you feel most comfortable with, but understand that your father has some flaws also.
NTA. You’re 14 and old enough to choose where you feel safe and supported. Your mom isn’t around, your dad is – it’s that simple. Don’t let her guilt you for wanting stability.
INFO: Was your father a stay at home dad because they both agreed to that she’d support the family?
Or because he kept saying he was going to get a job but just never did?
NTA. You’re 14 and should not be emotionally responsible for your parents.
As someone who has divorced and kicked out the father is my children, here are my thoughts: what happened between the two of them is honestly none of your concern because it’s about them and not you. But, what’s happening now definitely is about you. You obviously have some issues with your mom and would rather live with your dad, then that’s what you should do as long as it’s a safe place to be and he’s able to take care of you. If your mom is trying to make you feel bad for it, then she’s completely in the wrong. She needs to reevaluate herself and rid herself of this parental entitlement.
It sounds like Mum has been doing all the heavy lifting and got fed up. Live with whom ever you feel happiest with but I do think that when you are an adult and able to see both sides of the story you might feel differently about the whole situation.
NTA. Your mom hates your dad for some reason and you’re supposed to share that hatred for some reason apparently. The guilt trip regarding giving birth to you is nothing but manipulative behavior and its not a feat to be proud of to be able spread the legs in the first place (whether it was general manipulative behavior or a desperate attempt to make you stay is not something I can judge but maybe something you can discuss with your brother).
Her only concerns should be why you intend to leave since there is always a reason for a child to leave one of its parents and whether your dad is able to take care of you financially (and ofc mentally) while you live with him.
NTA, she’s mad because you’re not there to take care of everyone and everything else that she doesn’t want to take care of herself. Stay with your Dad.