Me (16M) and my siblings (12F, 11M, 9M) were put in foster care after our parents neglect of us got so bad that teachers took notice and reported it. My teacher at the time reported bruises on me too. The bruises were from my sister and younger (not youngest) brother. They were forever sleeping in my bed and grabbing me to stop me kicking them out or getting out of bed. They were also forever trying to spend 24/7 with me and didn’t like when I wanted space. Even space for the bathroom resulted in them grabbing me and it always hurt. So I had bruises from that and being stepped on when I tried harder to get away one night.
I was 9 when the call was made and our parents didn’t care and refused to co-operate with CPS so we were taken from our parents and put with a foster family. We were with three foster families before I was separated because of how extreme things got with them not wanting me out of their sight and how distressed they would get when I was allowed to lock the bedroom door to keep them out at night. There was one day when I almost gave my brother a black eye because he would not let go of my arm and I was trying to make him let me go. They also stole food off my plate all the time and wouldn’t really touch what was on their plates unless their plates were given to me and then they’d take all that too. They had real issues with food and hoarding.
I was so relieved when they placed me with a different foster family. And since then I was placed twice more without them and the last time I got a forever family. My siblings moved once after I was separated from them.
We were all in therapy separately for years and then about three months ago my case worker told my foster parents and me that they were planning a reunion for me and my siblings and we’d be starting therapy together. But the reunion in front of the therapist was planned first. I told my case worker I didn’t want to do that but I was told it was for all our sakes and I needed my siblings in my life again.
I was the last to get there and I could already see it was meant to be a test. They had food for each of us with our names next to the plates and all three were eating from mine, even the youngest who wouldn’t remember me. And then my sister tried to run for me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself inside. For like an hour all three were banging on the door and crying and screaming that I needed to come out and they missed me and I couldn’t leave them again. I told them I didn’t want them grabbing me again and they said I was being mean jerk and stuff like that. My sister kept saying I needed to take care of them again and they didn’t want to be with the stupid family anymore they just wanted me.
Eventually they were just so distressed the therapist contacted their case worker and she came to take them away but it took ages and was a huge fight and I was still locked in the bathroom. My case worker showed up and told me I was supposed to give the reunion a chance. I said I didn’t want it to be the same and I don’t want a relationship with my siblings if I have to be their parent or their adult. I said I just wanted a family where I didn’t need to be everything. My siblings heard me and my younger brother tried to run at me and jump me again so they could stop me leaving but the therapist stopped that from happening.
I was twice more since then that I was wrong to lock myself in the bathroom and I should have tried the reunion and that if I was just going to avoid them therapy was a waste of time for all of us but that it’s hurting us all.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. You are a traumatized kid who was forced into a parental role far too early, and now that you finally have safety?
Boom, you’re being pressured to re-engage with the very people who, though also victims, deeply traumatized you
NTA. I’m so sorry you’ve (all)been through a horrific childhood, but you are well within your rights to protect your own peace. I would refuse to attend any more reunions when it’s clear that therapy isn’t working. Maybe when you all age out of the system, you can try to see each other as adults with healthier boundaries.
NTA.
>I was twice more since then that I was wrong to lock myself in the bathroom and I should have tried the reunion
Locking yourself in the bathroom is not normal at all. I’m going to call it a trauma reaction. And while I’m a big fan of moral instruction
>and that if I was just going to avoid them therapy was a waste of time for all of us but that it’s hurting us all.
I think this comment was unacceptable. You can be judged without shaming. Your siblings are no more ready than you are.
Therapy and supervised visits are not an exact science. The authorities are going to make mistakes before they strike the right balance. So are you. Maintaining a sibling relationship is terribly important, so important that certain emotional harms are being risked, with the idea being that under supervision, they can be mitigated. The therapy is still important so that you can each work on your skills.
Your ability to set limits clearly and in a gradual and specific fashion.
Theirs to follow and respect other people’s boundaries.
>They had food for each of us with our names next to the plates and all three were eating from mine
This is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. This isn’t kindergarten, and an adult should be feeding you directly. I think you should call out that this was not a well run visit.
NTA that sounds insane and awful.
You have all been through an incredibly traumatic life and you are still a kid yourself at only 16 years old. Of course you are going to react badly when put into a situation that is triggering for you.
That should never have been allowed to go on as long as it did. Their behavior should have been stopped. They were banging on the door for an hour and no one realized how that would be bad for not only your mental health but everyone’s?
NTA. You didn’t choose to have this therapy, and you are not responsible for making it work. Your siblings seem to have serious issues, but whenever they are near you they are making your life hell, and you have no reason to want any connection with them.
I don’t know what the case worker was thinking, but he/she shouldn’t have forced you to a reunion or joint therapy. You can continue to refuse to cooperate. Fortunately, in 2 years you will be beyond the reach of your siblings or this misguided case worker.
To be honest, I really feel sad for you, OP. At such a young age, you and your siblings were already separated because of your parents’ irresponsibility. It’s heartbreaking to think that you wouldn’t be going through all this if only your parents had done their part. Your siblings might have turned out differently too if they had parents who truly stepped up and took responsibility.
I get the sense that your siblings look up to you. They probably see you as someone who genuinely cares, someone different from your parents. Someone they can count on. I know you’re still young, and what you’re experiencing is incredibly traumatic. You are absolutely NTA! for feeling the way you do.
I’m sincerely hoping and praying that things get better for you. I wish you all the success in life, so one day you can share that success with your siblings. Just like you, they’re also victims of your parents being the AH!
NAH
Y’all are traumatised kids.
I can say avoiding them may make them anxiously latch on you more. Finding a balance and them
Learning boundaries will be key and that will need your involvement – if/when you’re ready. Ask your therapist about avoidant vs anxious attachment.
The therapist and case workers need a more clear defined plan for y’all.
Very much NTA, therapy is a waste in this case and OP needs said siblings as faraway as humanly possible.
You are 16 and absolutely should have a say in whatever therapy you are asked to participate. You weren’t a sibling to those kids, you were a parent. And you don’t want to be one anymore. Seems the case workers and therapist are only interested in this being therapy for your siblings but not whether or not this is doing any good for you. You don’t want those children in your life like this and they are too young to really react appropriately.
So I’d say, make it very clear you’re not participating in that therapy anymore. Your “forever family” has adopted you, I assume?!
NTA.
You poor kid. And your poor siblings wanting to hang onto you. I hope when you are all past the age of 18 things will be better. Shame there were no relatives to step in. Very sad.
IMHO you did try but they haven’t learned how to behave. They should take classes on manners before the next reunion. They need to learn how to behave around you. Shalom you’re loved 💔
NTA. I think you should report that case worker, you’re a minor and they force your abusive siblings on you. If I were you, I’d let them make bruises on me before reporting that case worker, highlight the fact that I repeatedly said no but was forced to by the case worker anyway and act totally scared and depressed to get a new case worker.
nta
sounds like they might try to make you the new parent or someone of the siblings side of therapists, case worker,… does not care about your wellbeing and only looks out for the siblings, but actually even fails with that, as the siblings really need a therapy/support that makes it clear about you are not their parent, they’ll have to learn to accept you are out (and later on they have to learn that you were a multiple victim, per the parents, and per them)
These “therapy sessions” are stalker-culture-ABUSE
My parents siblings bullied falsely-accused unjustly-punished etc etc me
The fact someone is your Bio-Kin does NOT give them rights to FORCE themselves upon you
The fact someone is your Bio-Kin does NOT make them your REAL FAMILY
Blood doesn’t make the family Love Does
Love does NOT hurt
Hopefully soon excellent attorney defends you from this
N
T
A
N
T
A
When you turn 18 you can totally permanently BLOCK these bullies stalkers and their supporters and build yourself and your own worthy LIFE
Find the racially-diverse honorable logical scientific TRUSTWORTHY respectful interesting helpful harmless intelligent loving fun safe healthy QUIET happy peaceful successful open-minded future-focused compassionate secular pragmatic humanists and be THEIR friend through which YOU will get the EXCELLENT friends FAMILY fairness peace reality learning accomplishments LIFE
NTA – but therapy isn’t working if they aren’t listening. If they continue to eat your food and want to grab at you. I would flat out tell the case worker and therapist and possibly your permanent placement (they may be willing to help you on this issue), that you aren’t willing to do the family therapy as long as they are demonstrating your worst nightmare. It really doesn’t seem like therapy is working for your siblings at all. If you have the same therapist, they should be working with your siblings to respect your boundaries. I think you were very clear, that you would not be their placement or future caregiver.
Nta, ‘i did try I showed up and before even speaking they had already began eating everything off my plate and running at me which based on the past therapy hasn’t changed them at all’