My gf is really bad at being early or on time for things. This usually causes us to be late for things and we both hate being late, but she always repeats the same things that causes us to be late. Here are the factors that lead to us being late:
- She has IBS (This is something that is out of her control but contributes to us being late)
- If she is too tired she will insist on getting an hour of sleep in.
- She putters around the house watching tv shows on her phone while she tries to do other things.
- She insists on breakfast and spends time cooking and eating (she never rushes for this).
- She spends a long time trying to figure out what clothes she wants to wear (sometimes she will put on clothes; not like how she looks in them, and then goes to find other clothes to put on).
- Spends a lot of time putting on makeup.
- Needing to bring extra things like wipes, water and sometimes extra clothes (if we are going to be out for a long time).
I’ve tried speaking to her about this before and I’ve told her that she needs to focus on getting ready so we don’t end up running late. Usually one of two things will happen. She will either get mad at me for getting on her about being late (she will tell me that she actually is trying to hurry and I am not noticing) or she will be sad that she knows we are running late and tells me to go without her.
Yesterday we were going to a small event a friend of mine put on. I told my gf we needed to be there for 12pm. As expected, the above mentioned things happened and she kept asking me if I was mad at her because we were running late. I told her it was okay but we really needed to go. As expected she didn’t finish getting ready until 12:16pm. She apologized for taking so long and asked me how long it would take us to get there and she asked me if my friends would be mad at the both of us. I told her that it was okay because I lied and the event didn’t really start at 12pm and it actually started at 1:30pm. She was livid and she told me that I was such a huge asshole for lying to her and making her rush all that time. I told her that this was good because now we were going to arrive early for something. She told me that this wasn’t the point and focused on me lying to her.
Now idk if what I did was wrong or not. She spend the whole day speaking to me as little as possible,
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My gf is really bad at being early or on time for things. This usually causes us to be late for things and we both hate being late, but she always repeats the same things that causes us to be late. Here are the factors that lead to us being late:
I’ve tried speaking to her about this before and I’ve told her that she needs to focus on getting ready so we don’t end up running late. Usually one of two things will happen. She will either get mad at me for getting on her about being late (she will tell me that she actually is trying to hurry and I am not noticing) or she will be sad that she knows we are running late and tells me to go without her.
Yesterday we were going to a small event a friend of mine put on. I told my gf we needed to be there for 12pm. As expected, the above mentioned things happened and she kept asking me if I was mad at her because we were running late. I told her it was okay but we really needed to go. As expected she didn’t finish getting ready until 12:16pm. She apologized for taking so long and asked me how long it would take us to get there and she asked me if my friends would be mad at the both of us. I told her that it was okay because I lied and the event didn’t really start at 12pm and it actually started at 1:30pm. She was livid and she told me that I was such a huge asshole for lying to her and making her rush all that time. I told her that this was good because now we were going to arrive early for something. She told me that this wasn’t the point and focused on me lying to her.
Now idk if what I did was wrong or not. She spend the whole day speaking to me as little as possible,
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I lied to my gf about what time we were supposed to be at an event.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She can’t manage her time so you did it for her.
I get why you did it, but lying like that can damage trust, even if your intentions were good. ESH, you for lying, her for always running late
Nra but tell her next time you will tell her the right time and if she isn’t ready you will just leave without her.. it’s incredibly entitled of her to keep waiting. Does she have a mental condition like ADHD that means she gets easily distracted
NTA. Zero sympathy for people who cant be punctual.
ESH Your partner has a problem with procrastinating while she getting ready for an event, making you late and has done nothing to address it. You on the other hand, lied to your partner and lies have no place in a healthy relationship.
INFO – I understand telling her it’s a half hour earlier, but why would you make it a full hour and a half earlier? Does she typically run that late? It sounds like she was only 16 minutes late this time. What is she supposed to do for an hour? Don’t you think the IBS might kick in during that time? Also, what is your long term plan for this? Eventually she’ll get wise to what you’re doing and just do the math in her head to figure out the actual time that you’re leaving.
YTA
I completely understand why you are frustrated but no one likes being lied to and feeling like their partner is managing them.
The better thing to do if you’re trying to manage time is tell her when you need to leave, rather than when you need to be there for.
You might also need to be okay travelling separately, especially if she is struggling with her IBS. Sleep and a consistent diet can really help manage IBS and if she is choosing to prioritize her health and you want to prioritize getting somewhere on time, there is nothing stopping from you leaving ahead of her.
ESH. I get why she’s upset, because you lied, and now she’s probably going to be less inclined to believe your timelines in the future, which ironically could make the lateness problem worse. You two clearly have very different approaches to getting out the door, and the resentment is building.
If this is a recurring issue that frustrates both of you, it’s worth having a calm, frank conversation that’s honest but kind. Frame it around how her habits affect you, the plans, and the people you’re meeting, rather than making it about her character. Also, ask if this shows up in other areas of her life, like for example, is she late to work or professional obligations? If she isn’t, then you can figure out what’s different in those situations that could be adapted here.
And yeah, ADHD or executive function challenges could play a part especially if she struggles with time perception or getting started on tasks. But diagnosis or not, you need a shared strategy: agree on the real time, build in buffer time together if needed, and be upfront instead of padding the schedule in secret. That way you’re tackling the problem as a team instead of making it a trust issue.
EDIT FWIW: I just wanted to add that I’m an extremely on-time person, I like to arrive to events early and wait in my car just to be sure I’m on time, so I get it. I couldn’t have a partner who is consistently late, but I’d also take the approach in my comment instead of deceit if you want long-term success.
ESH, but your GF more so. You are an AH for lying to your GF of course. However, your GF is the bigger AH for always being late, being disrespectful of your and the other people’s time. Apologies mean nothing if the apologizing party doesn’t even make an effort to try to correct their mistake, so your frustration is completely valid.
NTA…Your girlfriend does not value others time.
Most of the things can be controlled or worked on except the IBS.
She can always have a bag at the ready, pre packed if you are going to be out for a long time. No need to pack day of.
Breakfast, she gets up with enough time to make it how she likes to with the time to get ready.
Pick out clothes to wear the night before.
From now on, you need to give her a time that you be leaving. If she is not ready, that is on her. You will be leaving. And leave.
NTA. She has demonstrated a steadfast refusal – not inability, mind you – to fix this and you tried a new tactic that mitigated the issue. It’s telling that she considers this AHish of you. The ‘lie’ is inconsequential. She’s been lying to you by pretending to be rushing while she slow-plays breakfast preparation, fails to plan in advance, and mindlessly does screens instead of actively getting ready.
So while this move didn’t make you an AH I don’t think it is sustainable for your relationship. I think you might need to have a really serious, come to jesus kinda conversation with her that this is not tolerable for you. Maybe she needs to see an occupational therapist or someone else who can help with executive functioning and time management.
While I can believe she has genuine stress at being late, I think sometimes people fall into the trap of “If I feel bad about this, then it’s clearly accidental or that is my penance and I don’t have to fix anything”. She may be letting her feelings of guilt be an ‘out’ for her actually fixing things. But you don’t deserve to be constantly letting friends down, feeling rude, or otherwise missing out on social activities over this. You may face real consequences too if you miss appointments due to this and stuff. The ONLY other alt that I see is that you leave without her – is THAT what she wants?
This is unacceptable of your GF. She NEEDS to fix it.
NTA. Just tell her the actual time and if she’s not ready, go without her. When people ask about why she didn’t come, tell them the truth.
NTA even if she has ADHD there are techniques we can develop to get out of the house on time – alarms, prepping the bag the day before, and so on.
I understand the IBS (nerves and knowing you will be away from a toilet can trigger it) but a nap ffs? what is she? 3 years old?
My boyfriend also struggles with IBS and so he starts getting ready before I even do, because he knows his stomach is going to give him trouble. Quite frankly, she just needs to get ready earlier. She made a time commitment and she needs to adhere to it, sleeping in for an hour be damned. Or, going forward, you guys drive separate until she’s able to be ready when it’s time to leave. You shouldn’t be punished (ie being late) for your girlfriend’s inability to be prepared.
GF is selfish. I don’t c are what excuses she has for being late. We all various issues and concerns in our lives. The constant lateness is rude and shows how little she cares about others. NTA but don’t want to be an hour late to everything your entire life?
NTA. I am so sick and tired of the complete rudeness and lack of consideration for anyone else with jerks who are incapable of being on time. This is intentional behavior. She wants to eat breakfast, she wakes up earlier and stops dicking around on her phone. Her makeup takes a while — she starts getting dressed earlier. She needs to being extra items — she prepares them in advance.
>she will be sad that she knows we are running late and tells me to go without her.
Such narcissistic bullshit. OP, this will be the entirely of your life. She is not going to chance because she really doesn’t give a crap. Good luck to you.
While I think you are NTA, because these always late people mess it all up for the rest of us. I think the better option is to say “We need to leave at 11am.” And at 11:15 leave without her EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. If she is pissed you left without her, tell her to start getting ready earlier. That’s it.
My chronically late friend fixed herself when we stopped waiting or adjusting our lives for her. She would show up an 1h20m late for dinner and we’d all be done eating and leaving the restaurant (instead of waiting at the bar). She timed herself and realized it took her 2 hrs to get dressed and brush her hair, so she just started getting ready earlier and now she’s actually beaten us to the restaurant. She also realized that was a ridiculous amount of time to get ready for casual brunch and has made other changes as well.
Just dump her. She’ll never change
NTA
I had a mother who was like this and a former best friend who was like this. The former BF also became livid with me because she caught me lying about when a movie was starting. We always walked into movies late and I hated it. Both my mother and BF were narcissists who must control all scenarios. I’m not saying your GF is a narcissist, but what I will say is that you probably better just get used to it. It’s unlikely that she’s going to change.
I think this was an I Love Lucy episode at one point lol. NTA, this should’ve been her wake up call to get it together a bit more
ESH
Her for not doing anything to solve the problem that she recognizes is a problem, but lying by a large amount makes you one too.
My wife is notorious for procrastinating getting ready (especially in the morning). I just now tell her when we need to leave by as opposed to when the event is (giving a reasonable buffer).
How about instead of lying to your wife, you tell her what time the event is and when you need to leave by (giving yourself a 30 min buffer or whatever). Maybe also mention that this is bugging you and see if there is any way she can mitigate some of those reasons (like prepping food the night before, going to bed earlier, choosing the outfit the night before, etc.). She is upset because she doesn’t understand why you lied about it.
ESH she needs to with on her punctuality. She definitely sounds like she has ADHD and anxiety. When I start to over stress about what I’ll look like for an event (makeup, changing clothes), I’ll distract myself with a TV show on my phone to get the intrusive thoughts to shut up.
knowing all of this will happen, I start to get ready in advance to allow time for this. I’m always punctual despite going through all of the same steps as your gf.
No one likes to be lied to. It should be you two verse the problem, not you lying to try and fix it for you both. You need to come up with a plan together, such as planning the time to leave and buffer in time for her idiosyncrasies. Like saying you need to leave by 12p, are should start getting ready at 10a to allow an hour for beauty/outfit and an hour for misc stuff like time spent distracted.
>She has IBS (This is something that is out of her control but contributes to us being late)
Is she following a low-FODMAP diet?
Can she take Fodzyme or similar?
What does the doctor recommend for management?
IBS may not always be completely controllable but in some cases can be managed.
For the rest, she needs to plan better. You are NTA
I get the impression from your list that she is actively choosing to be late. It feels like the way people talk about oppositional defiant disorder. She hates being rushed, more than she wants to be on time for other people. Focusing on herself and her needs and wants is more important to her. Is she stubborn in other ways, in odd situations where you may not usually expect it?
ESH. May i suggest instead of misleading her on when something starts you begin communicating “departure time” and specifically define what that means. For my wife and I, departure time means “in the car, pulling out of garage.” But could also mean something different. Then you simply start talking about departure time with no misleading and can start counting down as the time approaches (e.g. “30 minutes to departure time,” “departure time 5 minutes.”) It becomes a more precise target to hit, less personal once you both have agreed on a specific time, and you can set it with a buffer. — by buffer i mean that if it takes 15 minutes of travel time you can sat a departure time at 30 minutes prior.
This method has solved so many running late arguments.
NTA but really you should simply go separately. If she cares enough she will put systems in place to help herself be on time, like choosing clothes and packing a bag beforehand and putting her phone away while she’s getting ready. Even if she is ND (I’m sure a lot of people will say she has ADHD and maybe she does, but that’s not an excuse, it’s a reason she needs to put systems in place) she lives with and around other people.