so I 18F and my friend 18F went to see Loathe, Gojira, and Korn last night and we were seated next to two woman (I’ll call them Brunette and Blonde).
my friend and I are autistic and prefer to mind our own business so aside from standing to let them pass and saying stuff like “no worries” when they apologize for making us get up we tried to not interact with them.
throughout the entire show Brunette kept trying to have small talk during intermission/band changes, kept whipping us with her hair while headbanging, rocked the seats so much I swear I felt it break, and was overall very active and not minding her own space.
she was also drinking and as drunk people do she got very touchy. she would put her hand on our arms to try talk, get up, whatever. my friend told me she also started putting her hand on their lower back as the show progressed.
around the 5th incident where she placed her hand on my friend I grabbed her wrist and pushed it away, she tried to place her hand back and pulled my friend closer to myself and pushes her away with a bit more aggression this time. she stared at me and I shook my head and tried my best to tell her no over the loud music.
I felt a little bad about the interaction because she looked pretty upset so I typed a message on my notes app immediately apologizing if I was rude and informing her we were both autistic and had sensory issues and don’t want to be touched. she took the phone from my hands and wrote her own message saying it was okay and she understood so I thought that was the end of that.
throughout the rest of the show she was crying into Blondes shoulder, staring at us, talking about us, and wiping away tears.
at some point Brunette wrote a message on her own phone saying that we should let her know if she’s ruining our experience and she’ll do her best to not bother us. my friend and I said she was fine and didn’t interact with her again for the whole night.
Blonde continuously stared daggers at us while comforting Brunette and brunette did not stop crying until she left the venue.
originally I thought I did nothing wrong but I talked to a metalhead friend and they said I should expect to be touched at metal concerts cause it’s part of the culture.
I feel bad about possibly ruining Brunettes night but did I actually do anything wrong here?
EDIT: i completely forgot to mention as part of why I feel like I may be the AH is when Brunette grabbed my phone and wrote her message she told me that she was also autistic.
and to clarify both these women were older than my friend and I
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so I 18F and my friend 18F went to see Loathe, Gojira, and Korn last night and we were seated next to two woman (I’ll call them Brunette and Blonde).
my friend and I are autistic and prefer to mind our own business so aside from standing to let them pass and saying stuff like “no worries” when they apologize for making us get up we tried to not interact with them.
throughout the entire show Brunette kept trying to have small talk during intermission/band changes, kept whipping us with her hair while headbanging, rocked the seats so much I swear I felt it break, and was overall very active and not minding her own space.
she was also drinking and as drunk people do she got very touchy. she would put her hand on our arms to try talk, get up, whatever. my friend told me she also started putting her hand on their lower back as the show progressed.
around the 5th incident where she placed her hand on my friend I grabbed her wrist and pushed it away, she tried to place her hand back and pulled my friend closer to myself and pushes her away with a bit more aggression this time. she stared at me and I shook my head and tried my best to tell her no over the loud music.
I felt a little bad about the interaction because she looked pretty upset so I typed a message on my notes app immediately apologizing if I was rude and informing her we were both autistic and had sensory issues and don’t want to be touched. she took the phone from my hands and wrote her own message saying it was okay and she understood so I thought that was the end of that.
throughout the rest of the show she was crying into Blondes shoulder, staring at us, talking about us, and wiping away tears.
at some point Brunette wrote a message on her own phone saying that we should let her know if she’s ruining our experience and she’ll do her best to not bother us. my friend and I said she was fine and didn’t interact with her again for the whole night.
Blonde continuously stared daggers at us while comforting Brunette and brunette did not stop crying until she left the venue.
originally I thought I did nothing wrong but I talked to a metalhead friend and they said I should expect to be touched at metal concerts cause it’s part of the culture.
I feel bad about possibly ruining Brunettes night but did I actually do anything wrong here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a girl cry at a concert after an altercation where I physically shoved her. it did ruin her night and she cried for well over 3 hours so I’m not sure if I’m the asshole or not
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
You didn’t even need to apologize. No one gets to touch someone else without their consent and you did the right thing by standing up for your friend.
NTA. It’s not unreasonable to ask a stranger not to touch you. Her and her friend’s reaction to your request was bizarre. Sounds like Brunette was very drunk and Blonde was upset that she had to deal with her and decided to work through that by giving you unnecessary dirty looks. I wouldn’t give it another thought other than “I can’t believe those drunk women with no respect for personal space ruined my concert experience.”
Sounds like someone took something before the concert. NTA. You deserve to have your boundaries respected, even if you weren’t autistic
While you are NTA for wanting to not be touched, metal concerts may not be your best choice of venue in future.
edit: not a dig at metal, just a reaction to her friend’s response (but I talked to a metalhead friend and they said I should expect to be touched at metal concerts cause it’s part of the culture.)
Bumping into you occasionally and headbanging and standing and dancing are all normal acceptable behavior at a concert. Putting your hands on someone you don’t know is not. Even in a mosh pit, where physical contact is the norm, touching someone like that is not acceptable.
NTA. Those women had no reason to touch you or your friend. You had every right to feel uncomfortable with the unwanted contact. Brunette overreacted and seems like she was deliberately trying to make you both feel guilty.
You did nothing wrong at all.
NTA. You’re not wrong to set boundaries in not wanting to be touched. Her crying over it is a dramatic response.
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Ah… victim mode… NTA. hopefully you won’t see her at the next one!
Yes YTA. Entitled child.
Sounds like brunette took something and was getting overly touchy feely. NTA in any way.
And maybe being touched in the standing area/pit should be expected because it’s close quarters, but I’ve never had anyone get that close in seated sections. She was being weird for the touching and super weird for the sooking afterwards
Yeah, whoever your metal head friend is is wrong. I have been to many a concert and never had someone touch on me like that besides the occasional hand to push through a crowd, but you were in seating there was no reason for her to be putting her hands on your friend. Just because you were at a metal concert does not mean that anyone has consent to touch you. That is a ridiculous thing to suggest you were not upset because people were bumping into you. You were not upset because someone was passing by and gently moved you out of the way you were upset because someone kept on invading your friends personal space and touch touching them.
NTA- I’ve been to tons of metal concerts atp. If anyone would go out of their way to continuously touch me- I’d knock their head off. It’s different if it’s consensual, but if you have your own seats and aren’t in the pit… no one should touch you.
NTA. No one should be putting hands on ANY stranger without their consent, regardless of whichever party may or may not be autistic.
Brunette ruined her own night. Also sorry because I’m not (as far I know) autistic but is it not common for autistic people to prefer being directly told stuff? I guess not for her. Either way, manners are still a thing, and she’s the one who messed up.
Your friend saying you should expect to be touched… I mean if someone puts themself in a mosh pit style situation, yes. I think that implies consent. Assigned seats is not that.
NTA
>my friend told me she also started putting her hand on their lower back as the show progressed.
That is inappropriate.
>Brunette grabbed my phone and wrote her message she told me that she was also autistic
Still – not your problem, your boundaries like not wanting to be touched have nothing to do with her being autistic. She shouldn’t be drinking so much or putting her hands on people. And the grabbing your phone… I would have been concerned if they were trying to steal my phone. They have their own phones, they should use those to communicate back.
NTA – sounds like they were too drunk to be at a concert and started harrassing other guests, in this case you. I would have typed out a very different message, without apologizing, if they wouldn’t stop touching my friends or myself.
I’m there to enjoy the concert – not babysit people who can’t control their alcohol intake.
NTA and I don’t see how you could have handled that messy situation any better.
Woman behaves inappropriately and then crystal when realizing she a female repeatedly touched someone without consent and when told what the situation was decided to wallow in self pity…NTA…
Sitting down at a korn koncert. I am so confused. Is that normal in the US
NTA. Drunks at concerts are the worst. I have never understood why you pay so much money to go to a show and then drink overpriced drinks to not remember any of it.
Drunk or not, it does not give anyone ANY excuse to put their hands on you. You were kind about it at first, and when she continued the poor behavior you took it to the next level. From there on, her reaction is inconsequential since she is the one who made the poor judgement. You apologized and explained…that’s the end of it. You aren’t responsible for her reaction to your reaction to her shitty behavior.
Ew. Yes. YTA. Being autistic isn’t an excuse for being rude. I get it. I’m not a fan of people touching me either. Sounds like she was just having fun and was swept up in the joy of the concert. You way WAY overstepped.
Definitely NTA!
That is absolutely obnoxious behavior she was displaying, and you had every right to tell her to stop. You also handled it with way more grace than most people would.
If you were in the mosh pit on the floor, then yes, you should expect to be bumped around and make physical contact with people, but not in the seats.
Also so jealous you got to see that show! I love Gojira. I hope you and your friend managed to enjoy some of the show despite your inconsiderate seat neighbour!
NTA, Brunette should have understood the clear indications to leave your group alone….
sometimes it feels like everyone is autistic the second it can be used to justify shitty behaviour.
I take claims of autism with a grain of salt these days, sorry if that upsets people
Nta, just sounds like a woman who can’t handle her liquor. How was the show, I was debating going to the one in Calgary but decided to be cheap.
Next time someone’s trying to put their hands on you or your friends and you tell them no, do not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for, any adult person short of a brain injury knows not to repeatedly touch others without consent. Her crocodile tears mean nothing and I say that as a metalhead with 20+ years of concerts under my belt. That behavior is simply unacceptable.
NTA.
I think they were on drugs
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NTA. I don’t know how old your metal head friend is but I don’t remember touching being “part of the culture” unless you were in the mosh pit and then it was more like slamming not touching. Occasionally bumping into people at a concert is acceptable, unwarranted hands resting on someone’s lower back is not.
Whether autistic or not shouldn’t matter, no one needs to be so touchy with strangers, most people wouldn’t like that. I assume you weren’t reciprocating all her touching so when you pushed her hand away and she tried touching again is crazy. I am mad for you right now that this woman was all up on you and then tried to make you the villain. You did nothing wrong
NTA. I’m sick of women thinking consent to touch is optional. I have a thing about my long hair, and don’t like it when random people fondle it, and then people tell me I’m overreacting when I sometimes yell at women for touching me despite my making very clear I don’t want it.
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NTA
You’re probably not even autistic. I swear 99% of people call them autistic like it’s some form of an accomplishment.
Drunk people may cry or react irrationally over very small things. You did nothing wrong and should just forget it. I guarantee they don’t remember. NTA
NTA
Idk what autism has to do with any of this. I thought it was common sense not to rub up on strangers.
The repeated touching and in places like the small of the back make me think that the person was perhaps misreading your friend and thought that perhaps they had made some kind of connection.
Drunk people are obnoxious but drunk flirty people are even worse, because they arent trying to be mean just making a big mistake.
NAH
NTA. You have a right not to be deliberately touched against your will, and drunk people can be annoying pests. You didn’t do anything wrong, and if Brunette was actually autistic, too…that changes nothing.
NTA, but in the future, try asking the venue if they can just move your seats first to avoid any confrontation. Obviously, it depends on the availability, but if they comparable seats available in a different section, venues will usually gladly move you to avoid upsetting either party.
NTA. That is not the kind of touching that’s part of metal concert culture (that’s more shoving and moshing).
YTA
Autistic people with sensory issues going to a Korn concert. Did you really expect to stay seated and unbothered the whole time, like you were in a library? What did you think would happen?
Responding to casual touching with actual physical aggression. Yes she shouldn’t have touched you, but there was no malice behind it. You got overwhelmed and responded with physical aggression. What did you think would happen? If you can’t communicate respectfully to someone not to touch you, why have you placed yourself in a chaotic, crowded venue? Maybe have a note already made up in your phone? Lean over and yell into her ear? Anything but escalate physically??
Yes, the world should be more sensitive towards neurodivergent folks. Unfortunately, you can’t control them. You can only control yourself. It’s the world’s job to adapt to you, but it is your job to adapt to the world. Which is why this reply is directed towards you. The two ladies you mentioned aren’t going to read this. Most people here will give you the response that gets them upvotes – you’re victims, they were drunk and evil. It’s junk food. It’ll make you feel better, but it won’t help you any. It will only further entrench you into the behaviour that got you here in the first place. I have autism, and the world should bend over backwards for me. The world doesn’t bend over backwards for anyone.
A young woman shouldn’t walk through a dangerous neighbourhood alone at night. Should she be able to? Absolutely, in a perfect world. Does she deserve to be attacked? Absolutely not. Is it her fault if she gets attacked? Yeah, a little.
Would she be stupid and foolhardy to still walk through that same neighbourhood, knowing all of the above? Absolutely, yes.
Where do you and your friend fit into this spectrum? I’ll admit it is a giant grey area, but I think you will be best served with a little self-reflection here.
Maybe try another few concerts and see if you have similar and consistent experiences. It just seems to me like a metal concert is simply not the place for folks that struggle in crowds. I am neurotypical and even I avoid crowds because I know I’ll get annoyed and want to fight someone over absolutely nothing. I don’t even like Costco. So if I go to Costco on a Saturday morning and get into a parking lot brawl, I know exactly who I’m blaming.
Basic George Carlin. A person is great, people suck.
NTA. You were both being touched without your consent and she wasn’t responding to clear cues that you didn’t want that. The autism of it all doesn’t actually matter here.
Someone was obnoxious, touched you without consent and got upset when you stopped them.
NTA.
Also, FYI, not part of metal culture to behave that way. You can be touchy freely with friends, that is common, but only when you know the boundaries. We might make friends fast in this community, but always keep your hands to yourself until you know otherwise. There’s a lot of autistic metal heads, let’s be honest.
NTA your metalhead friend is full of shit. Pushing and shoving is to be expected in the pit – but groping is never acceptable. Brunette is lucky she didn’t touch the wrong person, last metal show I went to, someone got their nose broken for trying that sort of shit.
As someone who’s been to tons of metal concerts, yea it’s normal to get touched by people…. on accident. Because it’s a concert.
It is not normal to have people feeling you up when you keep telling them no.
Also depends how hard you grabbed her wrist??
NTA and honestly if she was crying that hard over this, it was probably from the booze and possibly drugs. I know my sister blubbers like a goddamn baby after a certain point of drunkenness. That’s not your fault, good on you for asserting boundaries 👍 though if the hair touching you from her headbanging and her rocking the seats really bothered you, you may want to reconsider going to shows for this or similar genres.
NTA. She was drunk and handsy and you ended it.
NTA at all! I’m also ASD and love concerts/festivals. I don’t mind if someone bumps into me but close touch like that is skin crawling uncomfortable.
I had something similar at a festival a few years ago. One of my favorite bands was playing and I was rocking out. But I think I was the only one around me who was cause most people were camping for the headliner. This woman comes to the side of me and starts bumping into me and screaming etc. I didn’t mind that. But near the end of the set, she put her arms around my shoulder and kissed my cheek. Scared the shit out of me! I jumped back and kinda….yelped? She looked sad and I felt bad. I tried to say something to her but she walked away. And yes I know she was hitting on me but I wasn’t interested.